shades of perspective

yes yes no no no yes yes no no no yes yes no no no

you people in relationships… this one is for you. 

what the hell? lately it seems like the same thing keeps happening to many of my friends and me. we are wholeheartedly and consciously mislead while playing the dating game. by which i mean… we are flirted with, hit on by, connected to, and often given physical attention by possible suitors. and THEN told that said suitor has a a significant other. wtf.

for a while i had a few thoughts on this. mainly just based on my own experience. i had (?) a tendency to fall, hard, for boys with girlfriends. what would suck is that i would not know they had a girlfriend at the point which an honest connection was being made. recently, i asked some guy friends about this. and we came to a few conclusions. well mine different from theirs :). being the hopeless romantic that i am i  thought, that guys most certainly feel more comfortable being themselves around others when they are in a relationship. much like the safety average guy saviors of the dating world provide to their leading ladies. because no matter who we are, we are, on some level, concerned with what a potential suitor thinks of us. it’s the game. plain and simple. thus, if we are in a relationship we are not concerned with potential suitors’ judgmental thoughts and are therefore able to be who we are and confident in it. this ability to just embrace everything we are opens us up on a different level to connecting with others.  because, obviously, connection can’t happen if you are not being yourself. so i felt as though i was connecting with these boys on a real awesome (mutual!) level, which i was. and then, when there was no physical advancement quickly after, i thought this was an even BETTER sign. it meant that this was a real connection and it would go slowly and i had actually met someone worth getting to know and possibly date. so right, then i find out about their significant other. usually of multiple years. ugh. 

when i told my guys friends of my thoughts of having a real connection with boys with girlfriends they thought otherwise. and basically told me i was being silly romantic steph thinking that there was a connection. and that they were probably just being nice to me. screw that. when does a guy do ANYthing he doesn’t want to for the sake of being nice to someone that he is not interested in [sleeping with]?! not often. cause he doesn’t have to. so. i have somewhat moved on from my silly habit of falling hard for guys with significant others. i mean the real ‘falling for’ them. the killing myself to get over them months later ones. because at that age i was thinking that connection was connection and of course i’d rather see the person (even if secretly in love with them) and connect opposed to not see them at all. now, no. i have learned (ha, we’ll see) the value of not putting myself in situations where i know the outcome could be potentially sad. such as connection without it being able to go anywhere (because of things like a girlfriend, or distance, or major value conflicts). 

last paragraph- read: i blamed myself for the fact that a connection was made when they had a girlfriend. and now, all you in a relationship, i am taking that back.  it is YOU. not us lonely singles dying to have an honest connection and meet someone special. it is you. Continue reading →

so. it’s about that time. more about Shades Of Perspective….

so the goal of the site, as described, is to create a safe space on the internet to explore all things relationships. how did i get to the point where i knew what this ’space’ would actually consist of? i’m not sure, per se, except that there have always been a few things that puzzled me in regards to dating/relationships… well one main thing. we are not taught how to do it. 

maybe it is my obsessive need to analyze everything, or my undying fear of being made to look stupid for something, or my crazy inability to judge (or compassionate heart ; ), or my training and development background- but it seems to me that at the heart of society’s relationship complications is the little fact that no one is ever explicitly given information regarding how to have a healthy relationship. in our english language it seems to be easier sometimes to describe how NOT to do something, rather than how to DO something. or how to FIX something after it has gone wrong, rather than how to DO IT RIGHT in the first place. and dating/marriage is a perfect example of this. 

there is this whole group of people in our world (consisting of people like me!), that LOVE researching communication and relationships. and out of that research comes this awesome stuff called theory and data that actually could HELP the world have better relationships (!!). but unfortunately this uber valuable info is housed in these really big intimidating places, like amongst the shelves of university libraries, and not many people have the desire to venture that far to obtain some pretty uninteresting and dry coffee table reading material. not when we have US weekly or wired delivered right to our homes.

so. my goal. create a site that educates in an nontraditional (read: no libraries or term papers) way, allowing its users to have fun AND learn and grow! (how innovative!!)

therefore, i now would like to present the four main educational goals of Shades Of Perspective:

<3 encourage the understanding and acceptance of difference
<3 learn about what we want/need in a partner
<3 learn how to communicate in relationships and create lasting positive communication habits
<3 learn about how to meet and attract the right partner 

stay tuned… this is only going to get better…

all my love <3

stephanie

it feels like love love love, and it feels like touch touch touch 

so the macking game is interesting. and completely different for men and women, boy and girls. and apparently i have no game. in the literal and metaphorical way. because almost two weeks ago i decided that, just for sport, i would consciously get my mack on, if you will. i decided to get back into the game just to see how it goes. and to have fun, and get some attention and you know… be flirty. cause it’s fun. so i thought. 

the concept is fun, until i realized that i apparently have no game. i never thought it something i needed. i talk and laugh, a lot, and loudly. and that is usually enough to get some flirtations going (and equals zero effort because its, uhhh just who i am). but a few times recently i have set out with my boys on a quest of getting my mack on. to see if i could. and my boys mack their shit. and i go home in a cab alone. (which is fine by me, don’t think i’d want my mackee to be in the cab with me anyway) 

the point. instead of a full on mack session, it seems like i often just become the awkward third (or fifth) wheel in the situation. and im not sure why. well, i have some thoughts. Continue reading →

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy. 

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing. 

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know. Continue reading →

you’re chatting me, like we connect but I don’t even know if we’re still friends
 It’s so confusing, understanding you is making me not want to do the things that I know I should do 
But i trip up and then i lose and i hate looking like a fool

wow. feel like some crazy person the way my thoughts about myself and dating seem to fluctuate lately. i think generally this is where i stand: i am in no hurry to jump into a relationship (hello 2.5 year break since my last), i am, however, open to meeting someone to get to know, i do need to take whatever it is with that someone slowly, i am not into this whole hook up culture, and like the giggly stuff… but THAT being said, i have a bone to pick. 

ok, this maybe is just a rant, so if you’re not into hearing curly redheads bitch, then maybe wait for the next post. but here is the thing. what does it take for a guy to ask for a girls number? it seems i have friends that get girls numbers all the time (and they call, usually, i’m not just talking sport). and because most girls are not like me, they had to ASK for those numbers. 

so my question, to you straight boys- what makes a girl worth asking for her number?! Continue reading →

on page one of chapter 24 in the story of my life i decided to move to san francisco. mostly in search of adventure and something new and exciting. and the first half of this chapter, as most enjoyable reading goes, came with a lot of character building and scene set up (grad school tests, job quitting, and goodbyes). however, the second half of this chapter has been much more… ummm, eventful. and serendipitous. and amazing. and whirlwind like.

and for those of you unaware of the happenings of chapter 24:pt1 the plan to was to get out here on the west coast. get a training and development/HR job. and begin to pursue my dream much more aggressively. and boy, was i surprised how the universe defined aggressively. 

7 days after moving to the city by the bay i started to meet the new cast of chapter 24:pt2. and the universe showed me its definition of aggressive. the next thing i knew i was going to techie events 2 and 3 nights a week, meeting new friends and thoroughly beginning to understand how exactly i could make a difference in this crazy world we live in- by using the interwebs, of course!

after soaking up everything my brian and heart could possibly hold at the Smart Marriages Conference 2008, and completing a two day intensive IMAGO Relationships Couples Course training (by the founders/my heros themselves!!!) my vision became instantly clear. 

i needed to build (well, thats where G comes in : ) a website for all things relationships. and that’s where my life and love took off. 

so here i am, months later: no training and development corporate america job, house/cat sitting in one of the nation’s hilliest neighborhoods, 2/3s of my belongings in storage, surrounded by some of the most amazing friends i could ever ask for, finishing up chapter 24. 

and as i close this chapter i intend to make these next four weeks wildly intense and go out with a bang!

therefore, it is with much excitement, stess, tears, giggles, laughs, fears, and love that i announce my new life: ShadesOfPerspective. 

Shades of Perspective will be a website for all things relationships. With entertaining and informative writing, events, and interactive features SOP aims to help twenty and thirty somethings navigate the difficult world of dating and relationships while having fun (duh!). 

so here is it is. the SOP mission statement. my life and love: 

Create and maintain a safe space on the internet that normalizes twenty&thirty something relational experiences while providing opportunities for relational education and growth. Thereby helping people better identify the real or perceived obstacles that are preventing loving relationships, and discover advantageous methods to overcome these obstacles prior to marriage and/or divorce. 

so keep posted. in the next few months this will only get better and better. and come on, don’t you want to be personally part of chapter 25? 

all my love <3

stephanie

snails see the benefits, the beauty of every inch, so why why why you so quick to kiss?

so, i was having a conversation last week with a friend, one of those honest saviors of the dating world, and he is newly back on the market (you chicago ladies have something majorly good on your hands) and i asked him if he was going to get his mack on at the bar that evening. and his response, perfectly simple, “eh it’s not about macking as much as i could let it be. i mean i could go out and get my swerve on if i wanted but that’s not really my style.”

and of course i said i loved that it wasn’t his style. and he said that he was bringing dating back. and respected certain milestones in relationships. and i was oh so in love with our conversation at that moment. 

it also reminded me of something a teacher at my friend’s all boy high school told him once “if you like a girl, don’t kiss her right away.”

and wow. how perfect. dating is supposed to have milestones. and we have somehow created this hookup culture that bypasses all these milestones. but the thing about the hook up culture that that it was created because we want real/lasting/satisfying relationships, but don’t know how to get there so we might as well “have fun trying.” and yes, i’ve talked about this before… but i think we need to analyze the old milestones of dating as a way to remember how good they were. Continue reading →

we barely have time to react in this world, let alone rehearse…

so, i hate to say it. but i think some of you may know- i’m, uh, skeptical of social media sites and our twenty/thirty something dating lives. it’s just so new. and we are most certainly in a societal paradigm shift when it comes it relationships, marriage and dating. but this morning i was overwhelmed with excitement when i read the comment on my last post. and boom it hit me. the positive side of this gathering of information. 

i’ve clearly decided that taking relationships slowly is the way  for me (and honestly, all of us, hooking up is like poison on actual relationships…but more on that later). and i know i need to take relationships slowly, and become friends with someone first, but there is just allllll this information out there. and we have ideas in our head of what our partner should and will be. and we can find out about others and their standing in out perfect mate outline by searching them on social media sites. and though i’m still totally in need of holding my self accountable for not stalking boys i may be interested in… i have a new perspective on this. 

one thing i have noticed about getting older and dating (and so has the academic community!) is that we seem to want the perfect mate more than ever, yet we don’t necessarily want to do all the things that attract or create the perfect mate. such as get to know them before hooking up, not meet at a bar, take things slowly and so forth. so i see a lot of my friends in this weird stage of dating- old enough to have one or two really serious relationships in their past, not wanting to get into ‘that‘ again unless it’s with the right person so they are going out, drinking, having a good time meeting a guy/girl and hooking up and maybe continuing to see that person, knowing that they are not the ‘one.’ and ‘just wanting to have fun’ until the right one just happens to appear (uh, sorry, not that easy). so, what i’m trying to say- we go out, find someone at the bar to play the game with, flirt, hook up, and get the attention we are in need of. all while waiting for mr/s. right. Continue reading →

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy whose reality, i knew, was a hopeless to be had

so. i’m finally out of my lonely funk. sometimes i guess there is such a thing as too much counting crows. and even before that funk i’d been thinking about something. shocker- another effect of what ’social media’ does to dating. well, my dating.

so when i like someone…. ha, the word like just seems so, uh, middle school. and i haven’t said it in a while. so, anyway when i ‘like’ someone, oddly enough, i usually keep it to myself. yes, i know, weird because i let everyone know what i’m thinking the second i think it in every other aspect of my life… but i usually keep it to myself. for a million reasons but mostly cause saying it out loud commits me to it. i mean our friends hold us to what we say. its like when someone wants to quit smoking they have to tell a friend because their friend will hold them to it. same with a crush, or liking. it is just basic accountability.

but what sucks about the accountability with liking someone is that then it becomes one way ‘liking’ and in your friends’ eyes everything you do socially becomes part of liking that person. and instantly all your effort goes into getting that person to like you back, rather than getting to know them more and growing your connection with them. its like when you say that you like someone the dating game becomes one way. you are trying to get them to like you back. cause you’ve already come to the conclusion that you like them, and now you need them to like you back. so if you’re the first to admit that you like someone there is this pressure to make it happen. and if you can’t make it happen (isn’t that what we all want- to make someone like us, god.) or they don’t like you back then you just look/feel dumb. its like double rejection. cause a) they don’t like you back, and b) everyone knows and you’re, oddly, publicly rejected, even if it is only to your friends. and let’s be honest, it sucks when someone doesn’t like you back. and public rejection sucks. so, in this oh so loving culture we live in where saving face is important we then have to deal with the uncomfortableness of being publicly rejected AND the sadness of someone we like not liking us back. double whammy. so, yea clearly i have issues of being judged. but i don’t tell people when like someone. i mean this two way liking thing is hard enough. and some things just need to be done singularly, such as processing the ‘liking’ of someone and your hopes they like you back (says the girl who publicly processes life). Continue reading →

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling of incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell. Continue reading →