you say that all is fair in love and war, as long as you get to win
so, here i am…finally. it took approximately 10 days in my new city to get undiscombobulated but i’m back and ready to go.
this weekend i met some great new friends. which of course inspired some relational conversation while drinking adult beverages in the company of others at a nice little spot in hayes valley.
there was this group of girls (with a purposeful use of the word) at the bar, maybe 7 or 8 of them and they were being as naive, giggly, and as carefree as college girls are at a bar on the sunday night of memorial day weekend with their whole drinking and dating life ahead of them. ok im getting ahead of myself.
so i was pleasantly surprised to be interrupted during my reminiscent observation by my new friend(we’ll call him C) who was offering the story of a relational experience with one of the young ladies. he explained that they met at the same bar a few months back, called each other a few times, and then it dropped off (with her taking the lead on the ‘dropping off’…). and unfortunately, as with many groups of 8 possibly underaged college girls, he wasnt sure if she was there that night because there were so many of them flitting around.
:::::tap on the shoulder::::
“C… is that YOU?!
so she was there. i pleasantly introduced myself to make it known that i was not a threat to them and excused myself.
throughout the night our leading Lady and C did the dance of ignorance quite well, coyly acting as if they were not aware of the other’s whereabouts – disguising each strategic laugh, head non, glance and conversation.
this of course led to the inevitable… C chatting with Lady’s friend…and becoming ‘interested.’
so now C, completely unplanned, has a dilemma. he liked Lady, but she she didn’t call. he manned up and moved on. but is Lady interested again? does Lady know that C was a little despondent over the occurrence? we discuss Lady’s perfectly planned acts of ignoring and decided that C’s is over it because he now likes Friend.
and it hit me. at 20 or 21, theres no way in hell that Friend would even think of pursuing anything with C. not because she was not interested. not because she was not attracted. but because of, seemingly over, “C and Lady.”
and there i was, years older than Lady and Friend, thinking about my own bonds of girlhood in college and what i then thought was loyalty. and how, as a female in her midtwenties, i dont think that this said loyalty sticks around. which, actually, is not a bad thing. by midtwenties you know more about what you want in life and love (and everything in between), and therefore, you know much more quickly what you dont want. so its logical and rational to know after a few calls and dates if it is or is not something worth pursuing. but at 21 we are absolutely not logical or rational, and most certainly dont know what we want.
so here i am wondering why i believe that if the group of friends were 25+ this whole interaction would have gone differently. i feel pretty confident saying that Lady and Friend would have probably discussed the situation in the bathroom, or outside over a cigarette. Lady clarifying if in fact she is still interested in C or not, and if not, Friend chats him up.
but is it just because we are wiser, older, and more beautiful, that we know more about what we want? or is it an unconsciously disguised sense of jadedness? we know how hard the game of dating is, and more importantly, will get. we don’t want to let this chance go because one night 2 months ago for a million different reasons, two people started talking at a bar. because what matters is that right now, two people are talking at a bar and it seems like it could go somewhere. does this mean we become unloyal? no. i think, actually, we become more loyal. we want our friends to find, or have the chance to find, someone as much as we do for ourselves. so there it is. a crazy night of reminiscing, analysis, and entertainment presents our opportunity for dating wisdom- loyalty is as changing as the seasons in the midwest. and when it comes to dating, loyalty does not necessarily mean what we once thought it did.