Entries from June 2008 ↓

and i’ll be your girl if you say its a gift; and you give me some more of your drugs

so. ive realized something pretty major in my life. one of those some things that can really determine a lot about every day from here on. since ive been able to define trust i have considered myself a trusting person. in my adult life i came to postulate that i am too trusting. way too trusting. i open myself up to, well, a lot of people and i trust. trust easily. trust easily, get hurt easily. open up- get burned. well a little while back, at home watching the most real movie about love that ive maybe ever seen, i realized something. i am not too trusting. at all. in fact, the opposite. i am actually too expecting. and not trusting at all. i have been told in very emotionally and physically intimate settings that i am too self conscious, or that i worry too much, or, the most common, that i need to gain confidence. what?! this is what: im not self conscious, or lacking in confidence. im skeptical. and too expecting. i expect you to live up to the standards of humanity that i hold myself too. i see that if I cant live up to the standards that I set, then ultimately you cant either, so my defense mechanism is to act in a manner that is disguised (even to me) as self doubt and self consciousness, tell myself that really im skeptical of who you are and what you say because im actually too closed, and this facade of self consciousness is actually your ‘out’. your ‘out’ of being put on my pedestal with the likelihood of falling. i cant help it. i also think this is why i am so emotionally open. i put it all out there. get out while you can. cause im a lot. a lot of greatness, but if you’re not in for that, then i am giving you an out. im telling you early what im about. everything im about. man, this is just needs to be said. people pay therapists years and years for this shit and all i need is a cold rainy night, a movie about love, in all its forms, and some self efficacy. yes, i like change…

he said, “ill be your night in shining armor.” i said, “no thanks, i have a car.”

…meet me there, in the blue…

so my last post, and more importantly its comments, have been running through my head this week at a marathon rate. and believe i am ready to flesh out what these theories, thoughts, and insights mean a little more thoroughly.

so, yea, i think there are two different schools of thought when it comes to straight guys and female friends. but im gonna go out on a limb and give those guys who fall into Kim’s physical sex only category a little more benefit of the doubt. and NC’s comment, on being the expert of all things feminine- brilliantly said. and lastly, the anonymale- thank you for the call out. sometimes we do need attention, and sometimes, some of us over and inappropriately do it. so everyone has valuable but possibly opposing info to provide, but… how does it all fit together to make describe what we actually experience?

so i guess i’ll start with the revelation that i had while thinking about all of my past relationships. every single one of them, the real ones, the boyfriend/girlfriend level ones, started as friends. so, what kind of layers does that add into the complex issue of friends of the opposite sex? a new million different ways to analyze now. for sake of argument- does it mean that i am actually in the opposite sex friendships that i am for sex? Continue reading →

when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again cause I can tell that we’re going to be friends

it’s like the chicken or the egg dilemma. can straight twentysomethings have friends of the opposite sex, that stay just that? and, if so, how does that affect their romantic relationships?

interestingly enough, i find myself standing in a place i have been many times before. new to a city, making new friends- and realizing that they are all guys. and honestly, i am not upset, this is clearly what works…what i like. and being the analytical character that i am, i have figured out why. most guys deal with relationships, well friendships, very similar to the way i do- straightforwardly. i mean usually with guys, if there is a disagreement, or fight, or someone is upset it gets dealt with pretty immediately. there is no holding it in, or long circular arguments. you deal with it, and get over it, and move on. now i could be making false generalizations…but i don’t think that’s the case. so- that is why i often find myself with a group of guy friends much more regularly than i do girlfriends. when i’m upset, i tell you, i deal with it, and then, honestly i’m over it. and if i’m not - you’ll know.

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we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

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i know i might be anxious, but im still not crazy…

so, there are things that we do to get over a break up, heart break, crush, or any other relationship or almost relationship that does not work out the way we hoped planned or wished for. (yes there were a lot of variables in that sentence)..

some people chalk it up to him being a jerk, some to her being a ’floosey.’ (as my grandma would politely say) sometimes they fall out of love, sometimes they just don’t like you. sometimes they just weren’t what you thought they were. sometimes you barely knew them, sometimes you were only physical. maybe your schedules were too different, or maybe you had different ideas of happiness.

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i know there’s little things about me that would sing in the silence of so much rejection in every connection that i make

so, this post has been screaming to be written for a few months, and full circle-ly, the person who inspired these thoughts some 3 months ago, presented this idea to me in question form last week. so as life usually bestows itself quite blatantly to me, i am listening and writing…

its interesting, when you’re a player in the dating game, no matter who you are, you meet people quite regularly. possible suitors, if you will. and probably ninety-five percent of the time one of the two of you are not interested, and it goes no where. but in your dating life, there are those people that sneak in sideways and blindside you with an instant connection. and if all goes well (and when does that really happen in dating?!) you begin a happily ever after life together. but, for most of us, it starts with a phone call, a text, a discussion of the next time we see one another. and its with these people that the next time usually occurs as soon as physically possible, because, well, theres a connection- and who wants to let that sit for even a second?

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old teenage hopes alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more

this is for a friend. revived and reposted…

i was thinking today about this talk show host i heard on npr a while back…he was explaining that he was married and divorced 4 times. and this woman called in and was like ” ok tell me WHY you thought that after one, or even two times of failed marriage you would keep going?! like hellllllooo.” Continue reading →

i was going hungry and lazy here when you stopped me in my tracks

one of my most influential professors once told me something that often makes its way into my little brain regularly… he said that the thing about being a romantic relationship communication scholar is that, though you have so much knowledge on the subject, it never seems to fully make its way into your actual relationships.

its true. the dark side of relationships gets me high, that’s pathetic. i study this stuff like a geek. so why why why can i not take my own advice?! this is a big one (love and life lesson) that has popped up too many times for me to ignore. so i’ve decided to take my own advice.

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