i like who i am, love it actually, i just don’t expect you t…

and i’ll be your girl if you say its a gift; and you give me some more of your drugs

so. ive realized something pretty major in my life. one of those some things that can really determine a lot about every day from here on. since ive been able to define trust i have considered myself a trusting person. in my adult life i came to postulate that i am too trusting. way too trusting. i open myself up to, well, a lot of people and i trust. trust easily. trust easily, get hurt easily. open up- get burned. well a little while back, at home watching the most real movie about love that ive maybe ever seen, i realized something. i am not too trusting. at all. in fact, the opposite. i am actually too expecting. and not trusting at all. i have been told in very emotionally and physically intimate settings that i am too self conscious, or that i worry too much, or, the most common, that i need to gain confidence. what?! this is what: im not self conscious, or lacking in confidence. im skeptical. and too expecting. i expect you to live up to the standards of humanity that i hold myself too. i see that if I cant live up to the standards that I set, then ultimately you cant either, so my defense mechanism is to act in a manner that is disguised (even to me) as self doubt and self consciousness, tell myself that really im skeptical of who you are and what you say because im actually too closed, and this facade of self consciousness is actually your ‘out’. your ‘out’ of being put on my pedestal with the likelihood of falling. i cant help it. i also think this is why i am so emotionally open. i put it all out there. get out while you can. cause im a lot. a lot of greatness, but if you’re not in for that, then i am giving you an out. im telling you early what im about. everything im about. man, this is just needs to be said. people pay therapists years and years for this shit and all i need is a cold rainy night, a movie about love, in all its forms, and some self efficacy. yes, i like change…

he said, “ill be your night in shining armor.” i said, “no thanks, i have a car.”

friends of the opposite sex…a little more balanced

…meet me there, in the blue…

so my last post, and more importantly its comments, have been running through my head this week at a marathon rate. and believe i am ready to flesh out what these theories, thoughts, and insights mean a little more thoroughly.

so, yea, i think there are two different schools of thought when it comes to straight guys and female friends. but im gonna go out on a limb and give those guys who fall into Kim’s physical sex only category a little more benefit of the doubt. and NC’s comment, on being the expert of all things feminine- brilliantly said. and lastly, the anonymale- thank you for the call out. sometimes we do need attention, and sometimes, some of us over and inappropriately do it. so everyone has valuable but possibly opposing info to provide, but… how does it all fit together to make describe what we actually experience?

so i guess i’ll start with the revelation that i had while thinking about all of my past relationships. every single one of them, the real ones, the boyfriend/girlfriend level ones, started as friends. so, what kind of layers does that add into the complex issue of friends of the opposite sex? a new million different ways to analyze now. for sake of argument- does it mean that i am actually in the opposite sex friendships that i am for sex? nah, because that’s just not who i am or how i work. but this leads directly into anonymale’s point… i feel like maybe we jumped to the conclusion too early that the guys are usually the ones in it for sex or alternative motives other than pure platonic friendship. so, girls need  attention. i’m going make a large generalization here (which i normally despise doing), but i feel confident that it will be received well… since we females are generally less willing, able, and eager to sleep with someone as our male counterparts are – maybe attention is our ulterior motive for opposite sex friendships.  some of us need, like, and obtain average and appropriate levels of attention through our friends of the opposite sex, and some of us demand awkward and very high levels of attention from our guy friends. just as some guys can appropriately value and embrace their female friends, and some are, well… “just waiting in line to sleep with them”

ok. so where do i fall into this mix? i mean i have identified what i love about my guy friends. it it what it is. i mean we deal with things and move on, emotionally and physically. but, i’ll admit, quite tactlessly, how true NC’s comment is about being regarded as an expert on all things feminine. and i guess for me, for lack of a better phrase- i get off on this part of my guyfriendships more than normal girls probably do… because of my totally weird and all consuming obsession with relationships in general.
so ultimately, it is unfair of me to take one sentence (“because they are all waiting in line to sleep with her!”) and warp speed jump to the conclusion that this is as uncomplex an issue as that.
balance. female-male. friendship-sex. attention-expertise. …. i mean, let’s face it-we’re all just looking for perspective… and who better to provide it than our opposites? who cares if it comes in the form of needing attention, or sex, or being an expert on girly things, on feeling valued as a female, or being seen as sexy, or liking a go with the flow kinda gal to hang with, or wanting to sleep with someone you enjoy spending time with….

i guess i’ll address the brewing and spiraling thoughts on  my past relationships starting with friendship  and where this fits into my guy friend abundant life another time….

the beauty of brave new understanding
it’s only a dream of lovers and lies
i carry with me in all my vision

friends of the opposite sex…

when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again cause I can tell that we’re going to be friends

it’s like the chicken or the egg dilemma. can straight twentysomethings have friends of the opposite sex, that stay just that? and, if so, how does that affect their romantic relationships?

interestingly enough, i find myself standing in a place i have been many times before. new to a city, making new friends- and realizing that they are all guys. and honestly, i am not upset, this is clearly what works…what i like. and being the analytical character that i am, i have figured out why. most guys deal with relationships, well friendships, very similar to the way i do- straightforwardly. i mean usually with guys, if there is a disagreement, or fight, or someone is upset it gets dealt with pretty immediately. there is no holding it in, or long circular arguments. you deal with it, and get over it, and move on. now i could be making false generalizations…but i don’t think that’s the case. so- that is why i often find myself with a group of guy friends much more regularly than i do girlfriends. when i’m upset, i tell you, i deal with it, and then, honestly i’m over it. and if i’m not – you’ll know.

and of course i love my girlfriends to death. but i’ve got my close ones, and i’m really not looking to make new friends that are girls. because, honestly, its draining, time consuming, and energy intensive. and right now in my life, i’d like to put that energy into finding my soul mate. correction- my romantic soul mate. i have my friend soul mates.

so this week i verbalize these thoughts to my boys. explaining my rationale about my abundance of male friend companions. they agree with my theories on male friendships and we move it.

and then, a few days later, it gets interesting.  one of the boys has been seeing this girl. and shes cute, and they have fun, and all that stuff. but after a few cocktails he admits that he thinks he may not want to continue seeing her. why?, i ask. because all her friends are dudes!, he replies. and there i am, suddenly aware of myself… standing at the bar in flip flops, a black tee, comfy bike capris, and no makeup on- surrounded by 4 guys.

i encourage him to explain, trying desperately not to make the conversation about me just yet. and i say, oh yea well i mean i get it. hanging out with guys you don’t know can be pretty weird. (thinking about why meeting new girlfriends is so draining, assuming it is similar with guys). and he continues, no it’s not just that… they’re all just waiting in line for their chance to sleep with her!. and instantly i wonder, am i screwed for life because all my friends are guys?!

and i begin to analyze. is this the general feeling about ‘guys’ girls,’ or girls who naturally get along easily with guys, and enjoy the low drama company males? are the guys they date, or try to date, wondering what is going on in the background with all of their guy friends?

and ultimately, my head starts to spin with questions and thoughts and theories on how my romantic relationship life has been, and will be, affected by my propensity for high quantities of male friends.

am i naive to think that straight twentysomethings can be just friends with the opposite sex? and is this naivete affecting any of my current relationships? am i shooting myself in the dating game foot because all my friends are guys? and then… the ultimate question – are ‘my boys’ just waiting in line to sleep with me!? nah. that i just do not honestly believe… but this is where my rational and logic thoughts matter little, because i am not a guy. i will never truly be able to confidently say what guys think or feel, because i am a girl.

so my, unfortunately circular, question to the universe… are there opposite sex friendships that can exist and last, without ever turning romantic? and either way, do these friendships affect romantic relationships of the future?

all these wrong conclusions that leave you alone, how could everyone rearrage, how could everyone else have changed, what i see… i believe…

living my life for me, and only me.

working on mysteries without any clue…trying to make some front page driving news, working on the night moves in the summertime, in the sweet summertime.

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

mind you, it took me roughly 3 years since that jump start to fully embrace this new found love for who i am, and surround myself with people that love me for everything i am. maybe it’s the new chapter in my life that has recently begun, maybe it is an everyday dose of perspective that i force into my consciousness, maybe it’s the accepting attitude of san francy… maybe, i suppose, it’s all the effort i have put into learning about myself, and actually using that to grow and evolve as a person. whatever it is, it’s fabulous.

but, here i am, finding myself in this interesting, messy and exciting intersection of old and new steph. trying to navigate my way through new and existing relationships. navigate through the new because, well, it’s like i’ve never done this before. i’ve never so fully embraced the ‘i am who i am and its cool if you don’t like that’ M.O.  but i am also navigating through my old relationships, because many of them started with the ‘i will do anything for you, no matter what it means for me’ steph. and boy, is finding this balance difficult.

well maybe it’s not. i feel like what’s difficult is figuring out the old relationships without writing them off. i mean, i can’t really blame the people in my life, that have been there forever, for expecting to continue the relationship with the same patterns of communication, happiness, hurt, and me changing to understand them. but, now, there is this new emotion in me. i suppose it is anger, or a feeling of which i have been taken advantage. so i now hold all these new feelings and emotions in regards to this relationship, and relational partner, but it is not their fault, because i let these things happen for years, because that’s who i was.

but you know the saying – “when you figure out what you want for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start right that very second” – it’s a brilliant description of this intersection within my relationships. this new steph is still compassionate, caring, understanding, and non-judgemental…maybe even more than before because i am not unconsciously holding negative energy and resentment. but, in my lack of knowledge and understanding in regards to making the transition between the two stephs i believe i may come off as a little…uhh…brash. eek. its the “cool, you don’t like me, then peace out!” attitude that comes off as me shutting down. but i think that it’s because am not yet fully confident in this new ‘i am who i am and that is awesome’ steph. and i’m nervous that if i don’t put out ‘the get out the the kitchen if ya don’t like what i’m cookin’ vibe then i’ll let you (unconsciously) try and pull me back in to the ‘i’ll change so long as you’re happy’ steph. so, maybe, i am actually shutting down my emotions, for the moment when i am meeting, and getting to know new people. but it is only to protect myself, which i’ve never done before. and i am finally believing that i deserve a little protection. now i just need to work on emotionally protecting myself, while communicating it a little more softly….

but the good news- since i’ve fully embraced this new steph, i am attracting new people in my life that, in turn, fully accept steph. actually, this seems to be pretty amazing news. in which i was unsure of because everyone i meet in SF is new and only knows this steph. but back in chicago this weekend (via an adventurous friday night that included a serendipitous meeting of one depaul, and one nondepaul graduate, a jukebox rendezvous, budweiser, laughs, lists, attraction and honest connection) my suspicions were confirmed. i am attracting people that will like me and allow me to like me as well. and what a new, exciting and exhilarating feeling.

so from here on out, i’m not going to let you judge me. no, scratch that. i’m not going to let your judgement of me (if negative) affect who i am. i am going to have compassion, and understanding with judgement and resentment resting far far away.

we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods

Breakups- why it just could never be

start the relationship slowly, for both our sakes

i know there’s little things about me that would sing in the silence of so much rejection in every connection that i make

this post has been screaming to be written for a few months, and full circle-ly, the person who inspired these thoughts some 3 months ago, presented this idea to me in question form last week. so as life usually bestows itself quite blatantly to me, i am listening and writing…

its interesting, when you’re a player in the dating game, no matter who you are, you meet people quite regularly. possible suitors, if you will. and probably ninety-five percent of the time one of the two of you are not interested, and it goes no where. but in your dating life, there are those people that sneak in sideways and blindside you with an instant connection. and if all goes well (and when does that really happen in dating?!) you begin a happily ever after life together. but, for most of us, it starts with a phone call, a text, a discussion of the next time we see one another. and its with these people that the next time usually occurs as soon as physically possible, because, well, theres a connection- and who wants to let that sit for even a second?

so you dive right in. into wanting to know everything there is to know about them. into seeing them every possible second life will afford you. into laughs and glances, histories and dreams of the future. and its amazing.

and this usually lasts, ehhh, about two weeks. and then life sneaks up on you and demands the attention that you have not been giving it. and for whatever reason life tends to snap one of the two of you out of it sooner than the other. and then not only, do you have to divide your attention between life and connection, but you’ve got to play catch up on the life you’ve, so diligently, been ignoring. so instantly, finding time to ‘hang out’ with your connection is nearly impossible… but you want to so badly, of course. so you make plans either- in the hopes of being able to keep them, or out of the naivete that life will force you to work hard for love. and you break them. because, well, you’re still playing catch up. and usually, this happens more than once.

and there you are, two people with a connection, at an invisible crossroads- instanly this has gotten more real, less fantastical. its work to hang out, its difficult to plan schedules, your friends are wondering where you are, giving you a hard time because you were gone for weeks (half in a magical state of connection and half in a catch up on life period). and logically, life and friends win over new, now energy consuming, possible new boyfriend or girlfriend. i mean, what kind of chances does that spark have to grow in those kind of conditions?

so, i’ve decided, that is why taking it slow matters. dating is rough. and getting back into the game after a timeout (relationship, if you will) is even rougher. so when we find someone we connect with… we grab on to it. and swan dive right in, in hopes of making it work. when, unfortunately, that swan dive is the asbestos of that relationship- silently, tastelessly, smellessly, killing all chances that relationship has of living.

taking it slow is kind of like a realistic job preview. putting all the terms of life out there so that you and the other are absolutely positive that it is what you think it is, and it is something you do actually want to get into. its saying- listen, my life demands this, this, and that of me. and i will juggle and arrange for us, but those things are not going away.

as unmagical and unfantistical as it may be, taking it slow and omitting the swan dive is like stepping back and looking at the situation rationally. easy for me to say, right?

you wish that you could tell him that its all okay, but you feel a little shy these days, cause everybody goes away.

still a little jaded from the way the last relationship ended

old teenage hopes alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more

this is for a friend. revived and reposted…

i was thinking today about this talk show host i heard on npr a while back…he was explaining that he was married and divorced 4 times. and this woman called in and was like ” ok tell me WHY you thought that after one, or even two times of failed marriage you would keep going?! like hellllllooo.” and he started by saying that his parents were married for 40 years and loved each other every second of it, and she cuts him off with her rude pushy brooklyn accent and is like no! i don’t care about your parents! don’t try and use that crap blah blah blah. and he was like whoa listen up lady. i was saaaaying that my parents were married for 40 years and in love for every second of it. they were through hare times, easy times, fun times, and sad times together. SO he got married, the first time, to the love of his life, high school sweetheart. it didn’t work, they got divorced. he met number 2 and said oh, this will work, i just hadn’t experienced enough before i got married last time. then, divorce. after that he said. now wait a minute. i can do this. i CAN make this work, i mean i have to, i can make a marriage work, im not an idiot. after divorce three he really pondered it. said, no way am i letting divorce prove me wrong. its love, i can love and be married and have it work. my parents did, they expect me to, i can do this. after divorce four he said, ok, im not an idiot, i am, however, not meant for marriage. but this does not make me less of a person. i am ok with that.
its interesting, they always say that children of divorced parents have trouble with relationships. nope, its not just us you sorry bastards, its you happy marriage children too. relationships are hard. its life. but this whole story really really made me realize something. we never start relationships expecting them to end. or assuming he would fall out of love, or she would cheat. i mean we would get no where if that were the case. the truth is, we want relationships to work.

we meet someone and for a period we honestly believe that they will be the one, the one forever, the one we call baby, the one we make babies with. we start relationships with no thought of the end. we leave past jadedness behind and start fresh. but we are human and we fall out of love and we explore our options, physically. and we hurt those people we are in relationships with that are still in the period of relationship where they believe this is it, the one that will last forever. and of course, by we i mean them. they fall out of love, they cheat. back on track. its ok though, that they abruptly pull you out of wonderful passionate fog of love and do something to end the relationship. its ok. because, truthfully, they saved you. that unfaithful ex boy or girlfriend and that bored with your love ex partner, they gave you your life back. they gave you a glimpse of the good. that’s it, a chance to stop, and say ok….do i want to work and work for someone who does not feel the same way? nope. but it leaves us jaded.

and when we’re trying to jump back into the game (possibly too quickly) - its that work, pain, and frustration we remember when we meet someone new. its not the passionate all consuming butterflies in the stomach cant stop looking at them love that we remember from our past relationships. we are left with remorse, and hesitation and a heart with a little bit thicker of a skin.

and that next relationship possibility…. hmmm… is it really worth it? i mean do i ever want to get hurt like that again? do i really want to put myself in a position to fail at another relationship. we so quickly forget the all consuming EXCITING love that got us into the past relationship in the first place. and here we are – stuck between the two extremes of love. all consuming passion, and all consuming misery. but. its not too late. its not too late for love. i mean that passionate love is the best feeling in the entire world. no matter what anyone says. and for me. its worth another try. so he or she fell out of love, or cheated. thank god. you get another try to be more real, more happy than before, more wise, more strong, more vulnerable, and one hundred percent more worth it. so i guess… what im trying to say… is remember…. neither of us enter relationships wanting or expecting them to end, when its good its good. and that good takes work, and if that work is not put in by both parties, it will end. and even then, just remember- its not how either of you intended. its ok. those butterflies are worth it.

Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please
Take it slow
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please

the “what are we” relationship talk- my balance between independence and attachtment

i was going hungry and lazy here when you stopped me in my tracks

one of my most influential professors once told me something that often makes its way into my little brain regularly… he said that the thing about being a romantic relationship communication scholar is that, though you have so much knowledge on the subject, it never seems to fully make its way into your actual relationships.

its true. the dark side of relationships gets me high, that’s pathetic. i study this stuff like a geek. so why why why can i not take my own advice?! this is a big one (love and life lesson) that has popped up too many times for me to ignore. so i’ve decided to take my own advice.

there are a million reasons why i continuously fall into this particular relationship schema that i am trying to bid farewell. maybe its because im’ an only child. i was taught to get along with everyone. maybe its because i have had so many guy best friends.  maybe its because liking relationships is the only super girly thing about me. maybe its because im too independent for my own good. maybe i have intimacy issues (read: issues being vulnerable). maybe its because it is engrained in me that rationality is good, emotionality bad. its probably all of the above combined, and then some. but here it is.

in my desperate need to not come off as the emotional girly girl that guys see as needy, dependent, and annoying, i have a tendency to avoid, at all costs, any and every “what are we” conversation. and in the end, whether the end be two weeks or two years later, i am always the sucker who is left feeling vulnerable, and emotionally needy because she didn’t get what she wanted out of the relationship. and ive’ figured out why. in all my ditch efforts to ‘ditch’ that teeny weeny oh so important conversation, i am actually setting myself up to not get what i need. (stemming from my fear of neediness, perhaps.) ultimately, when its over and done with, and im frustrated with him for however he is not validating me, and i am the only one to blame. i have never even attempted to have my feelings validated in a dating relationship. whoa. that kind of just hit me hard. how can you become emotionally, physically and mentally intimate with someone if you consistently assume that your feelings will not be validated, and thus never express them. whoa, again.

well, i didn’t. and haven’t many a time. and, oddly, its usually the big ones (feelings) that i suppress the most- leading to, of course, the ultimate demise of my emotional satisfaction in that relationship. and then, like clockwork, i step back to analyze the situation rationally (because that is, in fact, where i feel most comfortable) and conclude, with no surprise, that the blame lies within.

its interesting that most people, out of anger mostly, end up blaming an ex for some, part, or all of the failed relationship. and what do i do? the opposite. i hold them accountable for nothing, on top of allowing them to ignore (consciously or consciously) my emotional needs. maybe allowing is not even the right word. maybe its forcing. oh, this only gets better…
so here i am, not allowing myself to need anything emotionally from my intimate partners, and beating myself for letting the relationship fail…  attracting- and being attracted to- men who despise needy girls (projection, of course)!! so, if in fact i do get the courage to discuss my emotional needs with my partner, chances are he is going to freak even more, because he cannot stand that ‘needy and dependent’ girl. thus, logically, when i am contemplating opening up with my emotional needs prior to acting, i always end at the same place. no f-ing way should i speak up.

alright, here i am, ready and chock full of new perspective to have those conversations that i have so diligently avoided all of my dating life. what are we? what are we not? what should we be? what do you want out of this? does that match what i want? ok… not in that order, and most certainly not in such rapid fire fashion. but have the conversation, steph. stop beating yourself up at the end, when its too late, and inducing much more pain and confusion than a few awkward and uncomfortable conversations would have ever created. the one for you is not going to see you as dependent, and will acknowledge your vulnerability.