breakups- why it just could never be

i know i might be anxious, but im still not crazy…

so, there are things that we do to get over a break up, heart break, crush, or any other relationship or almost relationship that does not work out the way we hoped planned or wished for. (yes there were a lot of variables in that sentence)..

some people chalk it up to him being a jerk, some to her being a ’floosey.’ (as my grandma would politely say) sometimes they fall out of love, sometimes they just don’t like you. sometimes they just weren’t what you thought they were. sometimes you barely knew them, sometimes you were only physical. maybe your schedules were too different, or maybe you had different ideas of happiness.

maybe you liked them. maybe you loved. maybe you were attracted. maybe you were intimate. maybe emotionally connected, maybe spiritually. maybe it was companionship. maybe young fun.

whatever it was. your mind had a way with coping with the loss of something that was or could have been what you wanted and no longer have. breakups- in the all encompassing sense of the word. we all deal differently.

well, i focus on one thing to assure me that this is how it has to be. i do this for break ups, heart breaks, crushes, unrequited loves and missed connections. sometimes this factor that i focus on, the one to make me believe that it wasn’t me or him- but circumstances, is an obvious one. oh, i never knew him. he lives too far away. or he doesn’t have the same idea of success, or he has a girlfriend. he was boring, or plain crazy.

but the big ones, those breakups when that factor is the hardest to find (and the relationship real and intense)- they take a lot of soul searching to figure out. yes, i desperately try to rationalize my emotions. there must be a reason it did not work. and i will find that reason. well, the ones that are the hardest to figure out, those are the reasons i usually cling to the most. those are the words i grip onto in times of confusion, sadness, disappointment and inadequacy. that deal breaking factor in the relationship is what makes me think, hey, maybe there is another one for me.

now the tricky part about my ‘get over a breakup’ default mechanism is that it takes a lot for me to give up on a relationship. i hold on. i try. i’m optimistic. i don’t let schedules, fights, distance, previous experiences, or even a few mess ups end a relationship. i work, hard, for something i believe in. most always harder than the other. i thrive on the possibility of something good, so i just don’t give up. well, because of this not going to fail attitude, when i do break up, i hold on very tightly to that self ascribed reason for the supposed relationship failure.

well what happens when, months later, that little piece of information that i have been telling myself is the reason it didn’t work goes away, or changes. i’m talking goes away in real life, not in my head. then i’m left with a lie. its essentially breaking up all over again. my head/heart must search for yet another reason why it just did not/could not work. mind you this process is easy when the dating ended without connection. but when there is a connection (followed by dating or not), that’s when i ask myself “well, why was there a connection? if not to be together”

so. when the truth comes out, when the reason i clung to as evidence of it never working is gone, what am i left with?

i seem to be left struggling to rationalize the sad, disappointing, hurt, disillusioned feelings all over again. months after i had to do it the first time.

then what.

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy who’s reality i knew was a hopeless to be had… but then the devil of hope began this downward slope and i believe for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grand…. hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love.