living my life for me, and only me.

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working on mysteries without any clue…trying to make some front page driving news, working on the night moves in the summertime, in the sweet summertime.

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

mind you, it took me roughly 3 years since that jump start to fully embrace this new found love for who i am, and surround myself with people that love me for everything i am. maybe it’s the new chapter in my life that has recently begun, maybe it is an everyday dose of perspective that i force into my consciousness, maybe it’s the accepting attitude of san francy… maybe, i suppose, it’s all the effort i have put into learning about myself, and actually using that to grow and evolve as a person. whatever it is, it’s fabulous.

but, here i am, finding myself in this interesting, messy and exciting intersection of old and new steph. trying to navigate my way through new and existing relationships. navigate through the new because, well, it’s like i’ve never done this before. i’ve never so fully embraced the ‘i am who i am and its cool if you don’t like that’ M.O.  but i am also navigating through my old relationships, because many of them started with the ‘i will do anything for you, no matter what it means for me’ steph. and boy, is finding this balance difficult.

well maybe it’s not. i feel like what’s difficult is figuring out the old relationships without writing them off. i mean, i can’t really blame the people in my life, that have been there forever, for expecting to continue the relationship with the same patterns of communication, happiness, hurt, and me changing to understand them. but, now, there is this new emotion in me. i suppose it is anger, or a feeling of which i have been taken advantage. so i now hold all these new feelings and emotions in regards to this relationship, and relational partner, but it is not their fault, because i let these things happen for years, because that’s who i was.

but you know the saying – “when you figure out what you want for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start right that very second” – it’s a brilliant description of this intersection within my relationships. this new steph is still compassionate, caring, understanding, and non-judgemental…maybe even more than before because i am not unconsciously holding negative energy and resentment. but, in my lack of knowledge and understanding in regards to making the transition between the two stephs i believe i may come off as a little…uhh…brash. eek. its the “cool, you don’t like me, then peace out!” attitude that comes off as me shutting down. but i think that it’s because am not yet fully confident in this new ‘i am who i am and that is awesome’ steph. and i’m nervous that if i don’t put out ‘the get out the the kitchen if ya don’t like what i’m cookin’ vibe then i’ll let you (unconsciously) try and pull me back in to the ‘i’ll change so long as you’re happy’ steph. so, maybe, i am actually shutting down my emotions, for the moment when i am meeting, and getting to know new people. but it is only to protect myself, which i’ve never done before. and i am finally believing that i deserve a little protection. now i just need to work on emotionally protecting myself, while communicating it a little more softly….

but the good news- since i’ve fully embraced this new steph, i am attracting new people in my life that, in turn, fully accept steph. actually, this seems to be pretty amazing news. in which i was unsure of because everyone i meet in SF is new and only knows this steph. but back in chicago this weekend (via an adventurous friday night that included a serendipitous meeting of one depaul, and one nondepaul graduate, a jukebox rendezvous, budweiser, laughs, lists, attraction and honest connection) my suspicions were confirmed. i am attracting people that will like me and allow me to like me as well. and what a new, exciting and exhilarating feeling.

so from here on out, i’m not going to let you judge me. no, scratch that. i’m not going to let your judgement of me (if negative) affect who i am. i am going to have compassion, and understanding with judgement and resentment resting far far away.

we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods

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