when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again cause I can tell that we’re going to be friends
it’s like the chicken or the egg dilemma. can straight twentysomethings have friends of the opposite sex, that stay just that? and, if so, how does that affect their romantic relationships?
interestingly enough, i find myself standing in a place i have been many times before. new to a city, making new friends- and realizing that they are all guys. and honestly, i am not upset, this is clearly what works…what i like. and being the analytical character that i am, i have figured out why. most guys deal with relationships, well friendships, very similar to the way i do- straightforwardly. i mean usually with guys, if there is a disagreement, or fight, or someone is upset it gets dealt with pretty immediately. there is no holding it in, or long circular arguments. you deal with it, and get over it, and move on. now i could be making false generalizations…but i don’t think that’s the case. so- that is why i often find myself with a group of guy friends much more regularly than i do girlfriends. when i’m upset, i tell you, i deal with it, and then, honestly i’m over it. and if i’m not - you’ll know.
and of course i love my girlfriends to death. but i’ve got my close ones, and i’m really not looking to make new friends that are girls. because, honestly, its draining, time consuming, and energy intensive. and right now in my life, i’d like to put that energy into finding my soul mate. correction- my romantic soul mate. i have my friend soul mates.
so this week i verbalize these thoughts to my boys. explaining my rationale about my abundance of male friend companions. they agree with my theories on male friendships and we move it.
and then, a few days later, it gets interesting. one of the boys has been seeing this girl. and shes cute, and they have fun, and all that stuff. but after a few cocktails he admits that he thinks he may not want to continue seeing her. why?, i ask. because all her friends are dudes!, he replies. and there i am, suddenly aware of myself… standing at the bar in flip flops, a black tee, comfy bike capris, and no makeup on- surrounded by 4 guys.
i encourage him to explain, trying desperately not to make the conversation about me just yet. and i say, oh yea well i mean i get it. hanging out with guys you don’t know can be pretty weird. (thinking about why meeting new girlfriends is so draining, assuming it is similar with guys). and he continues, no it’s not just that… they’re all just waiting in line for their chance to sleep with her!. and instantly i wonder, am i screwed for life because all my friends are guys?!
and i begin to analyze. is this the general feeling about ‘guys’ girls,’ or girls who naturally get along easily with guys, and enjoy the low drama company males? are the guys they date, or try to date, wondering what is going on in the background with all of their guy friends?
and ultimately, my head starts to spin with questions and thoughts and theories on how my romantic relationship life has been, and will be, affected by my propensity for high quantities of male friends.
am i naive to think that straight twentysomethings can be just friends with the opposite sex? and is this naivete affecting any of my current relationships? am i shooting myself in the dating game foot because all my friends are guys? and then… the ultimate question - are ‘my boys’ just waiting in line to sleep with me!? nah. that i just do not honestly believe… but this is where my rational and logic thoughts matter little, because i am not a guy. i will never truly be able to confidently say what guys think or feel, because i am a girl.
so my, unfortunately circular, question to the universe… are there opposite sex friendships that can exist and last, without ever turning romantic? and either way, do these friendships affect romantic relationships of the future?
3 comments ↓
I absolutely love this post, since it poses such a valid question. Based on my own personal experiences, I believe there are 2 very distinct schools of thought… There are those who believe you can be (and are) friends with the opposite sex, and there are those who have trouble separating sex and love, eros love and philos love, when it comes to the opposite sex.
Your guy friend isn’t thinking about breaking up with his new girl because she has lots of guy friends - he is thinking about breaking up with her because he feels THREATENED by her guy friends, because he aware something is lacking in his relationship with her (quite possibley the foundation of true friendship and mutual understanding.) Somewhere in his psyche, this person bases his decisions about relationships with women on sex. In his mind, the only reason any of his girlfriends guy friends are hanging around is because they want to sleep with her. He cannot attribute her popularity with the male sex and her propensity to surround herself with men to anything but her female sexuality. It is therefore reasonable to assume that, as one of your guy friends, he IS waiting in line to sleep with you… but not all of them are.
There ARE guys who believe men and women can be just friends. These are the guys who have grown up around women they appreciate and admire. These are guys who respect and value women, and people in general, for who they are. And while I’m sure these men value sex and see women as sexual creatures, they are also able to see beyond that, to a persons core, or soul. These are guys who typically do not get jealous, who have learned how to relate to women, and are able to build confidence and trust in intimate romantic relationships.
There are opposite sex friendships that can exist and last, and you should not worry about how your friendships with the opposite sex will effect your dating life. Your true romantic soul mate will not be threatened or jealous of your guy friends. He will not be secretly waiting in line to sleep with his girl friends. And most importantly, he will love and accept you AND your friends for the wonderful people you are.
Being a girl that constantly finds herself in a similar situation with a plethora of male friends, I have to argue that it is possible to be “just friends” without undertones of sexual desire. It IS a different type of friendship than girls can give. I think it has more to do with though than just that guys tend to put it all out there. In my experience, one reason i think these relationships work is because in a group full of guys a girl morphs into the expert on all things that are feminine. Her opinions matter, are taken seriously and she feels important in this role of relationship adviser, love doctor and friend. In this way the relationship can be mutually rewarding. I don’t think that having these kinds of friendships means you are sabotaging your relationships either. Anyone that is worth your time will be able to see that sometimes you really are just friends.
I tend to side with the guy here. Being male, it’s hard to discount that men are very physical, if not sexual, in nature. I think often women might play the “attention” game, and sometimes this can manifest itself in the “we’re just friends” attention goal.
While I believe that the aforementioned “just friends” can, and subsequently DOES exist, I think we’d be ignorant to ignore the fact that a guy might indeed be “waiting in line”. Often in both literature and film this case of “loser meets hot-girl” (pardon the french) DOES exist.
Let’s not forget that often times, the “guy friend” is a pawn in the whole “guys want me” game that some women simply cannot resist…
I must admit that I agree with the previous comment.
Specifically that, the She in most cases becomes the authority on what is “feminine” around her male friends. However, with that said; I do believe that instances occur where there is simply a time and place for the “guy friend” to be present. Especially in the early stages of, dare I say - courting. How often do we need to portray that someone of the opposite sex is close/dear? I mean, doesn’t the constant, “I’m with him/her friend, etc” chatter undermine the desire to be with whomever you might be attempting to land.
I dunno….
While part of me agrees that girls + guys can truly be friends. I’m not sure guys + girls works like a revolving door. That is, how quickly or easily would a girl, given the reversed situation, understand?
I simply do not believe, “I’m with at the club” flies.
Often times in serious relationships, the guy/girl friends disappear - do they not?
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