i like who i am, love it actually, i just don’t expect you t…

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and i’ll be your girl if you say its a gift; and you give me some more of your drugs

so. ive realized something pretty major in my life. one of those some things that can really determine a lot about every day from here on. since ive been able to define trust i have considered myself a trusting person. in my adult life i came to postulate that i am too trusting. way too trusting. i open myself up to, well, a lot of people and i trust. trust easily. trust easily, get hurt easily. open up- get burned. well a little while back, at home watching the most real movie about love that ive maybe ever seen, i realized something. i am not too trusting. at all. in fact, the opposite. i am actually too expecting. and not trusting at all. i have been told in very emotionally and physically intimate settings that i am too self conscious, or that i worry too much, or, the most common, that i need to gain confidence. what?! this is what: im not self conscious, or lacking in confidence. im skeptical. and too expecting. i expect you to live up to the standards of humanity that i hold myself too. i see that if I cant live up to the standards that I set, then ultimately you cant either, so my defense mechanism is to act in a manner that is disguised (even to me) as self doubt and self consciousness, tell myself that really im skeptical of who you are and what you say because im actually too closed, and this facade of self consciousness is actually your ‘out’. your ‘out’ of being put on my pedestal with the likelihood of falling. i cant help it. i also think this is why i am so emotionally open. i put it all out there. get out while you can. cause im a lot. a lot of greatness, but if you’re not in for that, then i am giving you an out. im telling you early what im about. everything im about. man, this is just needs to be said. people pay therapists years and years for this shit and all i need is a cold rainy night, a movie about love, in all its forms, and some self efficacy. yes, i like change…

he said, “ill be your night in shining armor.” i said, “no thanks, i have a car.”

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