start the relationship slowly, for both our sakes

i know there’s little things about me that would sing in the silence of so much rejection in every connection that i make

this post has been screaming to be written for a few months, and full circle-ly, the person who inspired these thoughts some 3 months ago, presented this idea to me in question form last week. so as life usually bestows itself quite blatantly to me, i am listening and writing…

its interesting, when you’re a player in the dating game, no matter who you are, you meet people quite regularly. possible suitors, if you will. and probably ninety-five percent of the time one of the two of you are not interested, and it goes no where. but in your dating life, there are those people that sneak in sideways and blindside you with an instant connection. and if all goes well (and when does that really happen in dating?!) you begin a happily ever after life together. but, for most of us, it starts with a phone call, a text, a discussion of the next time we see one another. and its with these people that the next time usually occurs as soon as physically possible, because, well, theres a connection- and who wants to let that sit for even a second?

so you dive right in. into wanting to know everything there is to know about them. into seeing them every possible second life will afford you. into laughs and glances, histories and dreams of the future. and its amazing.

and this usually lasts, ehhh, about two weeks. and then life sneaks up on you and demands the attention that you have not been giving it. and for whatever reason life tends to snap one of the two of you out of it sooner than the other. and then not only, do you have to divide your attention between life and connection, but you’ve got to play catch up on the life you’ve, so diligently, been ignoring. so instantly, finding time to ‘hang out’ with your connection is nearly impossible… but you want to so badly, of course. so you make plans either- in the hopes of being able to keep them, or out of the naivete that life will force you to work hard for love. and you break them. because, well, you’re still playing catch up. and usually, this happens more than once.

and there you are, two people with a connection, at an invisible crossroads- instanly this has gotten more real, less fantastical. its work to hang out, its difficult to plan schedules, your friends are wondering where you are, giving you a hard time because you were gone for weeks (half in a magical state of connection and half in a catch up on life period). and logically, life and friends win over new, now energy consuming, possible new boyfriend or girlfriend. i mean, what kind of chances does that spark have to grow in those kind of conditions?

so, i’ve decided, that is why taking it slow matters. dating is rough. and getting back into the game after a timeout (relationship, if you will) is even rougher. so when we find someone we connect with… we grab on to it. and swan dive right in, in hopes of making it work. when, unfortunately, that swan dive is the asbestos of that relationship- silently, tastelessly, smellessly, killing all chances that relationship has of living.

taking it slow is kind of like a realistic job preview. putting all the terms of life out there so that you and the other are absolutely positive that it is what you think it is, and it is something you do actually want to get into. its saying- listen, my life demands this, this, and that of me. and i will juggle and arrange for us, but those things are not going away.

as unmagical and unfantistical as it may be, taking it slow and omitting the swan dive is like stepping back and looking at the situation rationally. easy for me to say, right?

you wish that you could tell him that its all okay, but you feel a little shy these days, cause everybody goes away.

still a little jaded from the way the last relationship ended

old teenage hopes alive at your door, left you with nothing but they want some more

this is for a friend. revived and reposted…

i was thinking today about this talk show host i heard on npr a while back…he was explaining that he was married and divorced 4 times. and this woman called in and was like ” ok tell me WHY you thought that after one, or even two times of failed marriage you would keep going?! like hellllllooo.” and he started by saying that his parents were married for 40 years and loved each other every second of it, and she cuts him off with her rude pushy brooklyn accent and is like no! i don’t care about your parents! don’t try and use that crap blah blah blah. and he was like whoa listen up lady. i was saaaaying that my parents were married for 40 years and in love for every second of it. they were through hare times, easy times, fun times, and sad times together. SO he got married, the first time, to the love of his life, high school sweetheart. it didn’t work, they got divorced. he met number 2 and said oh, this will work, i just hadn’t experienced enough before i got married last time. then, divorce. after that he said. now wait a minute. i can do this. i CAN make this work, i mean i have to, i can make a marriage work, im not an idiot. after divorce three he really pondered it. said, no way am i letting divorce prove me wrong. its love, i can love and be married and have it work. my parents did, they expect me to, i can do this. after divorce four he said, ok, im not an idiot, i am, however, not meant for marriage. but this does not make me less of a person. i am ok with that.
its interesting, they always say that children of divorced parents have trouble with relationships. nope, its not just us you sorry bastards, its you happy marriage children too. relationships are hard. its life. but this whole story really really made me realize something. we never start relationships expecting them to end. or assuming he would fall out of love, or she would cheat. i mean we would get no where if that were the case. the truth is, we want relationships to work.

we meet someone and for a period we honestly believe that they will be the one, the one forever, the one we call baby, the one we make babies with. we start relationships with no thought of the end. we leave past jadedness behind and start fresh. but we are human and we fall out of love and we explore our options, physically. and we hurt those people we are in relationships with that are still in the period of relationship where they believe this is it, the one that will last forever. and of course, by we i mean them. they fall out of love, they cheat. back on track. its ok though, that they abruptly pull you out of wonderful passionate fog of love and do something to end the relationship. its ok. because, truthfully, they saved you. that unfaithful ex boy or girlfriend and that bored with your love ex partner, they gave you your life back. they gave you a glimpse of the good. that’s it, a chance to stop, and say ok….do i want to work and work for someone who does not feel the same way? nope. but it leaves us jaded.

and when we’re trying to jump back into the game (possibly too quickly) - its that work, pain, and frustration we remember when we meet someone new. its not the passionate all consuming butterflies in the stomach cant stop looking at them love that we remember from our past relationships. we are left with remorse, and hesitation and a heart with a little bit thicker of a skin.

and that next relationship possibility…. hmmm… is it really worth it? i mean do i ever want to get hurt like that again? do i really want to put myself in a position to fail at another relationship. we so quickly forget the all consuming EXCITING love that got us into the past relationship in the first place. and here we are – stuck between the two extremes of love. all consuming passion, and all consuming misery. but. its not too late. its not too late for love. i mean that passionate love is the best feeling in the entire world. no matter what anyone says. and for me. its worth another try. so he or she fell out of love, or cheated. thank god. you get another try to be more real, more happy than before, more wise, more strong, more vulnerable, and one hundred percent more worth it. so i guess… what im trying to say… is remember…. neither of us enter relationships wanting or expecting them to end, when its good its good. and that good takes work, and if that work is not put in by both parties, it will end. and even then, just remember- its not how either of you intended. its ok. those butterflies are worth it.

Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please
Take it slow
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please

the “what are we” relationship talk- my balance between independence and attachtment

i was going hungry and lazy here when you stopped me in my tracks

one of my most influential professors once told me something that often makes its way into my little brain regularly… he said that the thing about being a romantic relationship communication scholar is that, though you have so much knowledge on the subject, it never seems to fully make its way into your actual relationships.

its true. the dark side of relationships gets me high, that’s pathetic. i study this stuff like a geek. so why why why can i not take my own advice?! this is a big one (love and life lesson) that has popped up too many times for me to ignore. so i’ve decided to take my own advice.

there are a million reasons why i continuously fall into this particular relationship schema that i am trying to bid farewell. maybe its because im’ an only child. i was taught to get along with everyone. maybe its because i have had so many guy best friends.  maybe its because liking relationships is the only super girly thing about me. maybe its because im too independent for my own good. maybe i have intimacy issues (read: issues being vulnerable). maybe its because it is engrained in me that rationality is good, emotionality bad. its probably all of the above combined, and then some. but here it is.

in my desperate need to not come off as the emotional girly girl that guys see as needy, dependent, and annoying, i have a tendency to avoid, at all costs, any and every “what are we” conversation. and in the end, whether the end be two weeks or two years later, i am always the sucker who is left feeling vulnerable, and emotionally needy because she didn’t get what she wanted out of the relationship. and ive’ figured out why. in all my ditch efforts to ‘ditch’ that teeny weeny oh so important conversation, i am actually setting myself up to not get what i need. (stemming from my fear of neediness, perhaps.) ultimately, when its over and done with, and im frustrated with him for however he is not validating me, and i am the only one to blame. i have never even attempted to have my feelings validated in a dating relationship. whoa. that kind of just hit me hard. how can you become emotionally, physically and mentally intimate with someone if you consistently assume that your feelings will not be validated, and thus never express them. whoa, again.

well, i didn’t. and haven’t many a time. and, oddly, its usually the big ones (feelings) that i suppress the most- leading to, of course, the ultimate demise of my emotional satisfaction in that relationship. and then, like clockwork, i step back to analyze the situation rationally (because that is, in fact, where i feel most comfortable) and conclude, with no surprise, that the blame lies within.

its interesting that most people, out of anger mostly, end up blaming an ex for some, part, or all of the failed relationship. and what do i do? the opposite. i hold them accountable for nothing, on top of allowing them to ignore (consciously or consciously) my emotional needs. maybe allowing is not even the right word. maybe its forcing. oh, this only gets better…
so here i am, not allowing myself to need anything emotionally from my intimate partners, and beating myself for letting the relationship fail…  attracting- and being attracted to- men who despise needy girls (projection, of course)!! so, if in fact i do get the courage to discuss my emotional needs with my partner, chances are he is going to freak even more, because he cannot stand that ‘needy and dependent’ girl. thus, logically, when i am contemplating opening up with my emotional needs prior to acting, i always end at the same place. no f-ing way should i speak up.

alright, here i am, ready and chock full of new perspective to have those conversations that i have so diligently avoided all of my dating life. what are we? what are we not? what should we be? what do you want out of this? does that match what i want? ok… not in that order, and most certainly not in such rapid fire fashion. but have the conversation, steph. stop beating yourself up at the end, when its too late, and inducing much more pain and confusion than a few awkward and uncomfortable conversations would have ever created. the one for you is not going to see you as dependent, and will acknowledge your vulnerability.