social media and my obsessive need to find info that i should not know …

well i know i don’t know you… and you’re probably not what you seem
aw, but I’d sure like to find out…

so, we’ve all heard the saying “good on paper,” especially when it comes to dating. but we also use it pretty often in the HR world. mostly when we get a killer resume and are excited, or we hire a dud who we never would have pinned as a dud. either way we, as people, make lists of things in our heads to define, really, what want out of someone that may fill a spot in our lives.

and these lists sometimes get us in trouble. of course, in the unconscious, self sabotage way. they are, essentially, an unconscious road map for going through life looking for all things “good on paper.” and that wouldn’t be so bad if the phrase “good on paper” wasn’t created because of the unsaid following thought- “not in real life.” so we make these lists with the hopes that if we can check all the boxes next to our list items then someone will fit that vacancy in our life. but… then there’s that little “not in real life” part.

i mean, lists are created for a reason. we aggregate all the info about what we know regarding our likes, needs and wants in a partner, and, obviously, that guides us through dating. so the more people we date, the longer our list of needs and wants and works and doesn’t works gets.

and then that list becomes the blue print of our perfect partner. and usually the things on this list highlight the things in our own lives that we value, or like to do, or want to be. and often, on a surface level, these lists include super trivial things that in actuality equal really really big similarities. such as- loves coffee shops, live music, chuck taylors, bikes, and vodka. and in the rational world those things are similarities to what we like, and therefore will help the relationship last. so yay, good, woo hoo. but those things are also really, umm common, and therefore easy to find if you know where to look. which you do, because they are things you, yourself, enjoy!

so these lists serve us great purpose. but now the ‘get us in trouble’ part. they allow us to check of boxes down the line of “perfect partner” qualities quite quickly, and quite uninformed.

after finding myself spiraling into planning my marriage to a boy i’ve never met this weekend, i have come to the conclusion that social media sites encourage and foster an unhealthy one way relationship that may just lead to setting unrealistic expectations (read: let downs, sadness, and heartbreak).

nowadays we are able to, really, find out just about anything we want to know regarding someone and their standing in our lists of “perfect partner qualities.” i will not reiterate my love in a time of social media post, however, the ability to check of the boxes on our lists based on information that we learned via social networking sites really just encourages the the one person rise up the relationship ladder (read: me literally super sad that my girlfriend met my ’soul mate’ last week in chicago and because he lives there he and i are not able to get married. what.?!.) now, how did i know he was my soulmate?

well, first and foremost, she told me that i would love him. and, let’s be honest, thats probably enough ;). but she then began to *list* the reasons why. (see aforementioned examples of things that possibly make up someone’s list). and then she sent me his blog. and THEN it spiraled (love in a time of social media, again). and next thing i knew i was starting at pictures of him on myspace whilst reading his about me and wholeheartedly feeling heartbroke because he lives in another state (one i just moved out of!!) and therefore i will never be with the love of my life. . . . . WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

nothing. he fit, quite perfectly, all the things on my easy to check off list. but, oh yea- we’ve never met, may never meet, live across the country… and he likes my girlfriend. so what now?

i’m left feeling sad, undesired, and like i will not find the one boy in SF that owns coffee shops, women’s vintage clothing stores, internet start-ups, music venues, and owns and fixes photo booths. but in ACTUALITY, it has nothing to do with him as a person at all. because i don’t know him. and, honestly, i shouldn’t give up on the san fran smart entrepreneurial chuck wearing 5 o’clock shadow having photo booth loving sensitive boy who believes in ‘good people’ and midwestern values all while riding his bike with his buddy holly glasses population- lucky 13 has to have at least one that will fit my needs.

but until i find him, i’m making a conscious effort to NOT turn into crazy myspace stalker girl, sabotage my dating life, and quickly and easily find ‘box’ checking info. even if it is flaunting itself in my face waiting for me to find.

so why don’t you climb down off that movie screen…

friends and dating… dating friends?

…oh geography is gonna make a make a mess of me, my mouth – a confessional cannon- run away from me with the most reckless of abandon…

after numerous reminders of how small san fran really is, especially in regards to the dating scene, i began thinking about a few of my nutty theories. and all of a sudden something came to me and it seemed  so obvious that i can’t believe i never really put it all together like this before. i supposed it could even be considered an aggregation of a few older posts.

so i have felt, for a long time, that it seems logical that friends would date their friends exes. and this never really goes over well. so i took it back a few notches, and decided that when groups of people are merged and initially two people are drawn together and it doesn’t work it should not really mean that everyone else in the group is off limits. because we all hang out for a reason, and that means we are similar and if it just so happens that one night at a bar two people are in a position to start talking that doesn’t mean that they are going to be the best two in the group to date. and so, in attempt to not limit our options, we should not look down upon dating someone that someone we know has dated (long term relationships mostly excluded)

i’ve also identified that, personally, i have to be friends with someone prior to getting romantical with them if it is actually going to last, or if i want it to. therefore, i can be pretty sure that if anything romantically physical happens before we are really friends (ie: boy at the bar, or party, first date etc.)  we are not going to date seriously. now this gets into much deeper sociological issues with our culture but- obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that i don’t meet boys at the bar or ‘date’ them. because, well, we need attention, in all forms. and if we meet at a bar it usually means that we are physically attracted to each other – so who better to get attention from than someone we are attracted to? so i personally get into these situations knowing that they will not lead to anything serious, and enjoy them for what they are- some fun and attractive people hanging out regularly with some attention involved.

and then it hit me. the combination of these two concepts is so logical and present in real life situations and is so rational.

so the situation- you meet a guy/girl at a party/bar. you’re attracted, and probably a little ‘relaxed’ from cocktails, and you begin giving each other romantic attention. this could lead to ending the night at one of your houses, or meeting up another night while at the bar, or both, and so on. but it is usually socially based (friends around), with adult beverages involved and physical motivators. it is what it is. we all do it, and we’ve all done it.

now, some of these ‘relationships’ (for a very loose definition of the term) last for one night (the initial meeting) and some may last a few weeks, or may even be ongoing for more than that. but the characteristics of the situation remains the same – socially based, alcoholically induced, physical attraction and attention.

so, the longer it goes on the more the ‘friends’ get involved. mostly to lessen the awkwardness of the situation, really, the friends begin to question you about you- who you are, what you do, what you want to do, your hobbies, likes, dislikes… etc. and since you are physically involved with their friend there is no pressure, or judgement. neither of you really has anything to lose. so you open up, there are no stakes attached to the relationship. and its just honest getting to know one another…  you are creating a connection based friendship… duh dun duh (see where this is going?)

so, we’ve instantly got a logical arithmetic equation for dating-

a) it makes sense that we would be attracted, emotionally, physically and mentally to someone that we have dated, or began to date’s friends. and the older we get the more acceptable and encouraged it is to not think of it as such a big deal. +
b) relationships that last do not actually start physically because friendship allows for a non vulnerable space where true connection can be created

= logically wanting to seriously date/have an actual relationship with the friend of someone you have ‘physically’ and not seriously dated.

hmph.

as always- now what? so you and so and so’s friend now have this real and honest connection but you’re the girl/guy that so and so hooked up with. making you, honestly, much less umm… yea. so what are the next steps? are there any? or are we just forced to let go of the honest connection and chance at something good, because we wanted attention from someone we were attracted to at a bar one night however long ago.

are we just constantly sabotaging ourselves(myself)?! i’m beginning to think that it’s possible…

fire compels, fire consumes you are a cheater, you are fire proof…

the average guy- savior of the dating world

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded.

so, a good portion of the population fall into this one particular dating category. the guys and girls that date their partner for more than a few years, usually starting pretty early on in their dating life. these are the relationships that, for obviously reasons, are the ones that we put on a pedestal and compliment and expect to get married and be perfect. and they are the couple that just has it. and they usually start off awkward and unsure of themselves as people. and they encourage one another, and grow together. and honestly (i know this may not go over well) in our society, i think in these relationships (hetero for this theory) the girls get the winning end of the deal.

i feel as though the girls in these relationships are provided an, otherwise unavailable, safe space to grow, and really become everything they have the potential to be. physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. i feel this way because, if you’re not in one of these 4,5,6,8 year long relationships at the beginning of your dating life, as a girl, you are continuously and actively combating all the things that society is throwing your way. and, unfortunately, your main focus is not allowed to be your own growth and you are certainly not encouraged by our american society (read media) to embrace and love who you are. (now of course there are different benefits that these girls acquire (thank god for me)).

so now this lady has had a chance to really grow and become a truly phenomenal women. and she is graced with the honor of a guy who loves her and tells her and encourages her to grow and love herself. and it is a win win, because lady is amazing, and guy has helped create that and thus gets the benefits of being with an amazing woman. which all fosters the even more fantastical and romantic love relationship that everyone sees… adding to the image of the perfect couple.

and then it hits her (and i know this is going to be though to digest because it is more negative and like i am side picking than i usually like to be while analyzing, but bear with me and i’ll turn it into a positive). so it hits her. she’s amazing. and she’s spent her whole dating life with the same guy. and what if there is someone better? (weighing the options). so, logically, she begins to think about what life would be like not part of this couplehood she has always known. and she’s curious, and of course she can’t get married without knowing. so she has options, and each girl follows a different path of exploring options ( a. breaking up- admirably explaining to her guy that she just needs to explore, b. emotional cheating- exploring while still in the relationship, and finding something/one else to connect with on a mental/emotional level, c. physical cheating- i’ll be honest, a seeking out of attention in the form of sex, or d. emotional and physical- i think we get it.

so now what are we left with. the good guy, who has fostered an environment for her to become everything she realized she is, alone. with no thank you. and usually some major heartbreak. cause, of course he is a good guy, and has embraced love.

so my dig a little deeper obsessive analysis of this is, quite simply and majorly- a whole hearted thank you. my heartfelt gratitude to the good guys. the guys that are clearly overlooked, but definitely the holders of the short stick in the entire dating world. (yes, i know that is a big statement.) you are the life blood of hope, and growth, and beauty and love. and there is absolutely nothing that could top what you give to us. you give love, and embrace imperfection, and nurture, and what do you get? sorrow and heartbreak.  we, the dating community, overlook all this and do not say thank you, because we have so much hope and without a doubt confidence that you will most certainly find someone else, and she did not deserve you anyway, because you are a good guy. but i think we overlook this natural and amazing quality because we think that it is just that, natural and average. we focus on the unusual. but why shouldn’t you be rewarded for something that may be natural? or acknowledged, or thanked.

and i honestly, cannot express (as i awkwardly sit at my corner office with a view coffee shop table on the verge of tears) how deeply thankful i am to you, the good guys. you give me hope, and inspiration, love, and courage. and for that, i am forever indebted to you.
i’m fractured from the fall, and i wanna go home.
i gotta really good heart, i just can’t catch a break,
if i could i’d treat you like you wanted me to, i promise.

venus square saturn – love in a time of social media

this was my love horoscope for the past two days. well, firstly, yes i really like astrology. second, i know what transiting venus square saturn means. third, no i won’t bore you with it.

“Step away from the computer, and the person you’ve been IMing who’s definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo.”

fourth, no. i did not write that myself for sake of argument in this post. in fact, sometimes i am even blindsided by the ’spot-on-ness’ of the planets.

basically since i started my academic career i have been obsessed with romantic relationships. and the theories that surround them. but there is one theory in that my good friend knapp postulated way back in the revolutionary time of the 1970s that i am particularly engrossed with, as is the rest of the interpersonal communication geek community out there. it’s called the staircase model of relationships. and it has become the bedrock of all academic relationship talk.

this staircase model outlines and defines ten ’stages’ that all relationships go through. 5 coming together, 5 coming apart. i know this is getting a little dense… but bear with me. so no matter how much we study relationships these stages can always be found and have allowed us to make sense of the crazy behavior that occurs in relationships.

and then social media walked into the academic scene. well, let’s say is sneaking in with a bag a trickery up its sleeve. and basically the dating world as we know it has become, if possible, a little more confusing.

you see, there is a reason that you obsessively read his blog, or she continues to @ you on twitter and you don’t even know her, or you just can’t bring yourself to un-favorite that picture of him or her on flickr nonetheless stop looking at it, or you can’t seem to believe he is tweeting with her, and are they dating now? so soon after you broke up? the reason: we have begun to have one sided relationships. essentially, social media sites provide us with all the tools to fall for someone, or stay smitten with someone with absolutely no need for them to do anything… hell, you really don’t even need to know them.

we share our entire lives on these sites. why? for a million and one reasons… but quite simply, its addicting as all get out. humans are addicted to attention- and putting our entire lives on the inerwebs for others to see and experience is a sure fire way to feel like somebody cares. whether that/those somebodies are our friends, strangers, acquaintances, boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, people we don’t know or, god forbid, people we want to know.

so we put everything about us onto the information super highway and buckle up for a crazy relational ride. because, the thing about knapp’s staircase model is that it is an interpersonal relationship model. that means between two people. and this interpersonal model relies on specific communication checks and balances that ensure that stepping onto the next tier of the relationship is mutually decided. and the best thing about these theories and stairs is that you and i, every day daters, don’t need to really even be aware that there are checks and balances as we navigate through our relationships… they just happen. or did. until social media.

we currently find ourselves in a place in time where stepping up the stairs ( consciously or unconsciously) can happen without the other parter even knowing.

lets break this down. pre social media days:

stage one -initiating- first meeting with another, attempt to appear pleasant and likeable (read: dance at the bar, buy a drink for someone at the bar, meet at the supermarket in the deli aisle, meet someone on the bus/at the park/ or doing any other common activity)
stage two -experimenting- discovering the unknown, limited commitment, appears casual (ask for phone number, go on a date, discuss family, discuss life/employment/hobbies)
stage three- intensifying- self disclosure increases, and we reveal a lot more, “we” pronouns are used, expressions that we have, little code words that no one else knows (’dating’, discussing future/hopes/fears, sharing secrets)
stage four – integrating- intensification of intimacy, close friends involved, disclosure increases, continuation of stage three, begin to formulate opinions as a couple (say, “we are doing this”, others treat you as a couple, there is romance, common property, common space)
stage five- bonding- for all simple purposes this is a formal commitment to the relationship that others will hold you do (marriage, moving in together).

ok then there are 5 stages of coming apart. and at the end of those 5 there is usually the ‘death’ of the relationship. however, though the stages do always go in order, a relationship can go though them over and over without actually ‘dying.’ they are natural phases. haven’t you ever woken up one day and looked at your significant other and thought “i don’t even know him/her anymore.” well, then start at the bottom of the stairs! get to know them again (ps that is a conscious way fix a relationship before letting it get bad enough to break up! when things get difficult… think about the things you did when you first started dating, and the excitement they brought, and do them again!)

so what the hell does social media have to do with this?

social media has the power to take away all the ‘interpersonal’ parts of meeting, experimenting, intensifying, and integrating. how much can you find out about a person via facebook, their blog, myspace, and the ultimate… twitter- age, birthday, family life, hometown, sports in high school, college, favorite movies, favorite music, job, friends, hobbies, inside jokes (wall posts from friends), what they did that weekend (pics), what they are doing this weekend (events)… and then the more personal via blog (especially if they are anything like my oddly unprivate emotional self) – hopes, fears, things that make them happy, sad, scared, vulnerable, loved, frustrated, nervous, excited, etc…

essentially, we can gain all the information we need for our heads and hearts to saunter up those relationship stairs without the other person even knowing!

now, again, i could explicitly describe each and every dating situation and how social media would affect it but you get the picture. but i will just emphasize the ‘coming apart’ stages are just as influenced by social media. ex: we break up the- relationship dies- but i can start at the bottom of the stairs, or even just a few steps down by following you on twitter, or reading your blog… because it is like i am still there, experiencing and intensifying with you.

that’s it. no judgment social media, just an honest acknowledgement that of course dating seems to be getting harder and harder for us! we are physically defying the dating game that our mental selves have been conditioned to play.

we are entering a world where the rules of the dating game are changing before we’ve even figured out how win. we are no longer sharing information, opening up, and becoming vulnerable based on the aforementioned rules of the game: give and take. we are subjecting ourselves to vulnerability without the ‘other’ validating and accompanying us throughout the process.

i welcome you -fascinating, exciting, and emotionally overloaded world of social media that is so chaotically unknown… but i’m watching you.

the friends of the opposite sex catch 22

come and join us in the trenches, red and purple by our side.

while drinking and (obviously) talking about dating/relationships with a fabulous new friend last night i started mentally examining my dating life again. and i found my thoughts traveling down a road they have followed many times. ultimately, it ended with the same ‘road closed-under construction’ sign. and it reminded me, that i never finished hashing out my friends of the opposite sex catch 22.

lets refresh and think back about what makes this a catch 22. i began examining the concept that i might actually be sabotaging my dating life with the propensity i have for a high quantity of male friends. and with the help of some perspective (comments) i realized that a) the guy friends that i surround myself with are smart and intelligent and value me and my womanhood for much more than the possibility of sleeping with me, and b) all my ex relationships (the real ones) started with friendship (real connection based friendship)- uh oh.

so what does this mean? hmm where to begin. i guess i’ll begin with the why factor. this is the easy and rational part. why did all my relationships begin with friendship. i guess you could say i’m old school. i believe in connection and intimacy (emotional, mental, and then physical). i’m also very expecting of my friends/boyfriends. i also have issues around being vulnerable and needy. those issues + expecting = it takes a lot for me to trust you (read: connect and become intimate). so, if it is not already OBvious ;), this means that friendship acts as the vehicle that transports me to my end destination: trust and connection. and i find that this is just good. its like friendship (since moment one) lowers the stakes of putting myself all out there. cause, if you don’t like what i’m brining to the table as a friend (a person)- then cool, we won’t be friends. i mean, when do we associate the term ‘rejection’ with friendship… not often. whereas with dating, we play the same ‘get to know you, put yourself out there game’ but if the other person doesn’t like what we bring to the table, then it is just sucky, and rejection. and no matter how high your self esteem, enough rejection will affect you. so there we have it. the why behind my prerequisite of frienship prior to boyfriend/girlfriendness.

now, the trickery of said prerequisite (which, now that i think about it, could actually be considered to have the same side effects as purposefully avoided rejection…hmmm). since this friendship connection usually takes a while to grow, the following questions are a must to consider: when and how do you then move the relationship from friendship category to romantic/dating category? and how do you know if the other one is even interested in taking it from one to the next? how do you know you want to move to romance? and what do your other friends think about it? is is possible they saw it coming/growing? is it worth the risk of not working and losing such a good friend? does physical attraction diminish after being friends for so long? and, once more for emphasis, when and how do you initiate this relationship transformation? mind you, all of these ‘must consider’ questions i am always unable to answer.

and honestly, its not like i’m thinking about all this throughout the growth of friendship. basically, i wake up one day, deep into the friendship, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that i want to be more than just friends. and because its been unconsciously building up for all this time, i hits me HARD.

therefore, i find myself in a situation that is paradoxical to the ‘high stakes get to know you dating game’ conundrum – the “high stakes this could ruin something good how do i know how he feels without telling anyone how i feel?” game. basically, if the decision is made to go for it romantically, then it becomes an all or nothing situation. because once i have identified that i want it to be romantic, there really is no going back (the ultimate guys and girls can be just friends death sentence is when one wants more than the other).

so what the hell do i do now? just when i thought i wasn’t unconsciously undermining my dating life…