Entries from July 2008 ↓

well i know i don’t know you… and you’re probably not what you seem
aw, but I’d sure like to find out…

so, we’ve all heard the saying “good on paper,” especially when it comes to dating. but we also use it pretty often in the HR world. mostly when we get a killer resume and are excited, or we hire a dud who we never would have pinned as a dud. either way we, as people, make lists of things in our heads to define, really, what want out of someone that may fill a spot in our lives.

and these lists sometimes get us in trouble. of course, in the unconscious, self sabotage way. they are, essentially, an unconscious road map for going through life looking for all things “good on paper.” and that wouldn’t be so bad if the phrase “good on paper” wasn’t created because of the unsaid following thought- “not in real life.” so we make these lists with the hopes that if we can check all the boxes next to our list items then someone will fit that vacancy in our life. but… then there’s that little “not in real life” part.

i mean, lists are created for a reason. we aggregate all the info about what we know regarding our likes, needs and wants in a partner, and, obviously, that guides us through dating. so the more people we date, the longer our list of needs and wants and works and doesn’t works gets. 

and then that list becomes the blue print of our perfect partner. and usually the things on this list highlight the things in our own lives that we value, or like to do, or want to be. and often, on a surface level, these lists include super trivial things that in actuality equal really really big similarities. such as- loves coffee shops, live music, chuck taylors, bikes, and vodka. and in the rational world those things are similarities to what we like, and therefore will help the relationship last. so yay, good, woo hoo. but those things are also really, umm common, and therefore easy to find if you know where to look. which you do, because they are things you, yourself, enjoy! 

so these lists serve us great purpose. but now the ‘get us in trouble’ part. they allow us to check of boxes down the line of “perfect partner” qualities quite quickly, and quite uninformed. Continue reading →

…oh geography is gonna make a make a mess of me, my mouth – a confessional cannon- run away from me with the most reckless of abandon…

after numerous reminders of how small san fran really is, especially in regards to the dating scene, i began thinking about a few of my nutty theories. and all of a sudden something came to me and it seemed  so obvious that i can’t believe i never really put it all together like this before. i supposed it could even be considered an aggregation of a few older posts. 

so i have felt, for a long time, that it seems logical that friends would date their friends exes. and this never really goes over well. so i took it back a few notches, and decided that when groups of people are merged and initially two people are drawn together and it doesn’t work it should not really mean that everyone else in the group is off limits. because we all hang out for a reason, and that means we are similar and if it just so happens that one night at a bar two people are in a position to start talking that doesn’t mean that they are going to be the best two in the group to date. and so, in attempt to not limit our options, we should not look down upon dating someone that someone we know has dated (long term relationships mostly excluded)

i’ve also identified that, personally, i have to be friends with someone prior to getting romantical with them if it is actually going to last, or if i want it to. therefore, i can be pretty sure that if anything romantically physical happens before we are really friends (ie: boy at the bar, or party, first date etc.)  we are not going to date seriously. now this gets into much deeper sociological issues with our culture but- obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that i don’t meet boys at the bar or ‘date’ them. because, well, we need attention, in all forms. and if we meet at a bar it usually means that we are physically attracted to each other – so who better to get attention from than someone we are attracted to? so i personally get into these situations knowing that they will not lead to anything serious, and enjoy them for what they are- some fun and attractive people hanging out regularly with some attention involved. 

and then it hit me. the combination of these two concepts is so logical and present in real life situations and is so rational. Continue reading →

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded. Continue reading →

this was my love horoscope for the past two days. well, firstly, yes i really like astrology. second, i know what transiting venus square saturn means. third, no i won’t bore you with it.

“Step away from the computer, and the person you’ve been IMing who’s definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo.”

fourth, no. i did not write that myself for sake of argument in this post. in fact, sometimes i am even blindsided by the ’spot-on-ness’ of the planets.

basically since i started my academic career i have been obsessed with romantic relationships. and the theories that surround them. but there is one theory in that my good friend knapp postulated way back in the revolutionary time of the 1970s that i am particularly engrossed with, as is the rest of the interpersonal communication geek community out there. it’s called the staircase model of relationships. and it has become the bedrock of all academic relationship talk.

this staircase model outlines and defines ten ’stages’ that all relationships go through. 5 coming together, 5 coming apart. i know this is getting a little dense… but bear with me. so no matter how much we study relationships these stages can always be found and have allowed us to make sense of the crazy behavior that occurs in relationships.

and then social media walked into the academic scene. well, let’s say is sneaking in with a bag a trickery up its sleeve. and basically the dating world as we know it has become, if possible, a little more confusing.

you see, there is a reason that you obsessively read his blog, or she continues to @ you on twitter and you don’t even know her, or you just can’t bring yourself to un-favorite that picture of him or her on flickr nonetheless stop looking at it, or you can’t seem to believe he is tweeting with her, and are they dating now? so soon after you broke up? the reason: we have begun to have one sided relationships. essentially, social media sites provide us with all the tools to fall for someone, or stay smitten with someone with absolutely no need for them to do anything… hell, you really don’t even need to know them. Continue reading →

come and join us in the trenches, red and purple by our side.

while drinking and (obviously) talking about dating/relationships with a fabulous new friend last night i started mentally examining my dating life again. and i found my thoughts traveling down a road they have followed many times. ultimately, it ended with the same ‘road closed-under construction’ sign. and it reminded me, that i never finished hashing out my friends of the opposite sex catch 22. 

lets refresh and think back about what makes this a catch 22. i began examining the concept that i might actually be sabotaging my dating life with the propensity i have for a high quantity of male friends. and with the help of some perspective (comments) i realized that a) the guy friends that i surround myself with are smart and intelligent and value me and my womanhood for much more than the possibility of sleeping with me, and b) all my ex relationships (the real ones) started with friendship (real connection based friendship)- uh oh. 

so what does this mean? hmm where to begin. i guess i’ll begin with the why factor. this is the easy and rational part. Continue reading →

 i don’t wanna see the same pictures all over, and i’ve been standing in the same spot now since its been over, could someone promise me a new chance, i don’t wanna wake up knowing i don’t have a future…

this post was inspired by one of my more thought provoking ask steph submissions. 

there is this relational theory that i love… ok i won’t get geeky, but it basically states that when you are not not getting your needs met in a relationship, you begin to search for and explore other options. now this option seeking is done while said relational partner is still in the relationship that is not meeting needs. basically, we explore our options, and make sure there is something better, before we actually break up with someone. because, who knows, maybe there is not anyone out there who could meet those needs, no need dumping the currently relationship then…

this is, very often, where cheating comes in. cheating being defined as physical or emotional (usually in the aspect of the relationship where needs are not being met) intimacy with someone other than your relational partner. unfortunately for us romantics, cheating does actually serve a purpose. cheating provides us an outside perspective of what we could have in the scary dating world outside our current safe relationship. if we like our options outside the relationship enough, usually we decide to break up with our current relationship partner. if we realize that our options are not really any better than what we are involved in then we will stay in the relationship (a whole nother relational theory). Continue reading →

i know you’re wise beyond your years, but do you ever feel that your perfect verse is just a lie that you tell yourself to help you get by….

i find myself in the same dating habit as i did about two thirds of the way through college. and im surprised that i have revernted back to the same place, but not upset. because, the habit is not terrible, or anything. i’m not beating myself up. but i realize that the habit comes at a relatively similar point in my life now as it did then.

logically, i must explain my tendencies before i explain how my silly brain sees them as a habit, and a possibly bad habit at that.
i suppose i’m what we could call….extroverted. i tend to be outgoing, and fun, and bubbly and blah blah blah with all the descriptors. so there are two ways that this personality trait integrates itself into my dating life. Continue reading →

i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today. 

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you. 

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed. 

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing). Continue reading →