chemistry, connection, consciousness… confusion

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i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye.

so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today.

and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you.

so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed.

today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing).

romantic love. one of my favorite concepts since my wee little undergrad life. the thing about romantic love is that is awe inspiring. its the over the fence, nothing matters, and everything matters, i can do anything, the world is amazing, the grass green, the sky blue, the sun bright, fresh air filled lungs, laughter loaded, life makes sense, out of the ballpark feelings. romantic love is pure passion and illusions. and absolutely fabulous. and as sure as everyone of the preceding things are, romantic love will fade. always. every time. its supposed to. why is is supposed to? to create a connection. that is the purpose of romantic love. to induce that “i feel like we’ve known each other so long,” “this is a magical feeling,” “there is just this undeniable chemistry,” feeling. those are the common themes used in the psychological world to identify the mountain moving feeling of romantic love.

so. it fades. and the things you once loved about the person become the things you hate. but here you are stuck with this connection. this intense “but it was so magical, that means something,” connection. and, if you’re lucky, (or enlist of my help) you understand that this is normal, and that you can get through this disillusioned, real, and conflictual state through to the other side to real love. which is about a million times better than romantic love (imagine that). unfortunately, most people don’t get through this disillusionment in every relationship (or maybe fortunately, because when you do, its the real deal, in an amazing way).

so, back to me. i realize why, for entirely too long,  and against my will, i have not been able to let go of you completely. we never got through the romantic love. we ended while it was still good. still awe inspiring. still stomach turning, want to be a better person, love the world, can’t imagine where this chemistry came from love. for all the known, obvious, and unknown reasons we died too soon. we were still magical. we didn’t stay on natures course, which is to connect for purpose. we connected, and never even had the chance to use that connection to work through the difficult times. we never got that far.

so there, i guess. why it’s been entirely too long for you to induce such confusion, emotion, and analysis. alas, i never got to finish the process. and processes are created for a reason. its just true.

so, yet again. here i am, left with emotions that i still have no idea how to process. because, well… they came out of the premature death of a process.

call, break it off. call, break my own heart… maybe i woulda been something you’d be good at. maybe you coulda been something i’d be good at. but now we’ll never know.

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