i know you’re wise beyond your years, but do you ever feel that your perfect verse is just a lie that you tell yourself to help you get by….
i find myself in the same dating habit as i did about two thirds of the way through college. and im surprised that i have revernted back to the same place, but not upset. because, the habit is not terrible, or anything. i’m not beating myself up. but i realize that the habit comes at a relatively similar point in my life now as it did then.
logically, i must explain my tendencies before i explain how my silly brain sees them as a habit, and a possibly bad habit at that.
i suppose i’m what we could call….extroverted. i tend to be outgoing, and fun, and bubbly and blah blah blah with all the descriptors. so there are two ways that this personality trait integrates itself into my dating life.
first, i am attracted to shyer, calmer guys. call it balance, call it mystery, call it what you will. so, when i’m out i tend to get interested in the quieter guys. from an astrological sense- air signs. thinkers, not so much go go goers. and i like this. i just like some that is calm and interesting.
and now the catch 22:
the thing about being attracted to the quiet/calm types… they are much less outwardly aggressive (DUH!). so often, i end up being the aggressor. because, well, it comes easily to me. i don’t really get embarrassed easily. i am extroverted. i figure i’ve got nothing to lose. and i really don’t mind telling a boy i think he is cute, or that i am interested, or whatever. and because i know that these are the boys that i am attracted to i have adapted to the usual occurrences of this extrovert/introvert courtship.
main usual occurrence- they are much less likely to ask for my number. so, taking the aggressor role, i usually end up giving them my number (without them outwardly asking for it). now, i am not one to be loose with these 10 digits. i may crush a lot, but i don’t give you my number unless i really like you, and want you to call. and recently, that takes quite a bit. SO, i give my number to the quiet/shy guy… and wait for him to call. and wait. and wait.
second:::enter reasoning for ‘bad’ habit of a)being attracted to quiet boys, b)giving them my number:::::: usually, when a boy is too shy to ask you for your number, he’s probably too shy to call. now, i know, there are boys who maybe don’t ask for it because they are not interested, and thus of course they are not going to call… but i’m talking now about the honest to goodness connection/mutual interest times. where it is clear.
so, i give my number to one of these boys. the boy who brings out the girly voice in me when telling my friends about him, the boy who makes me curious about everything he is about, the boy that is calm, and sweet and yea. the boy that is less likely to call… because… well, my outwardness is apparently intimidating (says my guy friends). and how many shy boys will call a girl that possibly intimidates him? not many. so how many calls do i get from these cute, mutually attracted boys? not many.
basically, i set myself up for rejection. mind you i’m not using the term rejection in like a heart breaking sense. but that IS what is happening. and, i realize, that i fall into this bad habit when i am officially openly ready to meet someone. because there are times when you are ready to meet someone, and start something, and have a connection. its not needy or desperate. in fact, it is far from it. it is a point of self-awareness where you have worked on yourself so much, and are so open to growing that you are ready to get to know someone else on a deeper level, because you know honestly know who you are.
so opening myself up=giving my number=not getting called back=rejection=discouraging dating experience=frustration and sadness over twentysomething dating life.
so…here i am, a few days later, wondering if he’ll call…
« chemistry, connection, consciousness… confusion re: ask steph- emotional cheating… who is getting hurt? »
