friends and dating… dating friends?

Home » friendship, sabotage, schemas, shades of perspective, try try again, veterns of the game » friends and dating… dating friends?

…oh geography is gonna make a make a mess of me, my mouth – a confessional cannon- run away from me with the most reckless of abandon…

after numerous reminders of how small san fran really is, especially in regards to the dating scene, i began thinking about a few of my nutty theories. and all of a sudden something came to me and it seemed  so obvious that i can’t believe i never really put it all together like this before. i supposed it could even be considered an aggregation of a few older posts.

so i have felt, for a long time, that it seems logical that friends would date their friends exes. and this never really goes over well. so i took it back a few notches, and decided that when groups of people are merged and initially two people are drawn together and it doesn’t work it should not really mean that everyone else in the group is off limits. because we all hang out for a reason, and that means we are similar and if it just so happens that one night at a bar two people are in a position to start talking that doesn’t mean that they are going to be the best two in the group to date. and so, in attempt to not limit our options, we should not look down upon dating someone that someone we know has dated (long term relationships mostly excluded)

i’ve also identified that, personally, i have to be friends with someone prior to getting romantical with them if it is actually going to last, or if i want it to. therefore, i can be pretty sure that if anything romantically physical happens before we are really friends (ie: boy at the bar, or party, first date etc.)  we are not going to date seriously. now this gets into much deeper sociological issues with our culture but- obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that i don’t meet boys at the bar or ‘date’ them. because, well, we need attention, in all forms. and if we meet at a bar it usually means that we are physically attracted to each other – so who better to get attention from than someone we are attracted to? so i personally get into these situations knowing that they will not lead to anything serious, and enjoy them for what they are- some fun and attractive people hanging out regularly with some attention involved.

and then it hit me. the combination of these two concepts is so logical and present in real life situations and is so rational.

so the situation- you meet a guy/girl at a party/bar. you’re attracted, and probably a little ‘relaxed’ from cocktails, and you begin giving each other romantic attention. this could lead to ending the night at one of your houses, or meeting up another night while at the bar, or both, and so on. but it is usually socially based (friends around), with adult beverages involved and physical motivators. it is what it is. we all do it, and we’ve all done it.

now, some of these ‘relationships’ (for a very loose definition of the term) last for one night (the initial meeting) and some may last a few weeks, or may even be ongoing for more than that. but the characteristics of the situation remains the same – socially based, alcoholically induced, physical attraction and attention.

so, the longer it goes on the more the ‘friends’ get involved. mostly to lessen the awkwardness of the situation, really, the friends begin to question you about you– who you are, what you do, what you want to do, your hobbies, likes, dislikes… etc. and since you are physically involved with their friend there is no pressure, or judgement. neither of you really has anything to lose. so you open up, there are no stakes attached to the relationship. and its just honest getting to know one another…  you are creating a connection based friendship… duh dun duh (see where this is going?)

so, we’ve instantly got a logical arithmetic equation for dating-

a) it makes sense that we would be attracted, emotionally, physically and mentally to someone that we have dated, or began to date’s friends. and the older we get the more acceptable and encouraged it is to not think of it as such a big deal. +
b) relationships that last do not actually start physically because friendship allows for a non vulnerable space where true connection can be created

= logically wanting to seriously date/have an actual relationship with the friend of someone you have ‘physically’ and not seriously dated.


as always- now what? so you and so and so’s friend now have this real and honest connection but you’re the girl/guy that so and so hooked up with. making you, honestly, much less umm… yea. so what are the next steps? are there any? or are we just forced to let go of the honest connection and chance at something good, because we wanted attention from someone we were attracted to at a bar one night however long ago.

are we just constantly sabotaging ourselves(myself)?! i’m beginning to think that it’s possible…

fire compels, fire consumes you are a cheater, you are fire proof…

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