well i know i don’t know you… and you’re probably not what you seem
aw, but I’d sure like to find out…
so, we’ve all heard the saying “good on paper,” especially when it comes to dating. but we also use it pretty often in the HR world. mostly when we get a killer resume and are excited, or we hire a dud who we never would have pinned as a dud. either way we, as people, make lists of things in our heads to define, really, what want out of someone that may fill a spot in our lives.
and these lists sometimes get us in trouble. of course, in the unconscious, self sabotage way. they are, essentially, an unconscious road map for going through life looking for all things “good on paper.” and that wouldn’t be so bad if the phrase “good on paper” wasn’t created because of the unsaid following thought- “not in real life.” so we make these lists with the hopes that if we can check all the boxes next to our list items then someone will fit that vacancy in our life. but… then there’s that little “not in real life” part.
i mean, lists are created for a reason. we aggregate all the info about what we know regarding our likes, needs and wants in a partner, and, obviously, that guides us through dating. so the more people we date, the longer our list of needs and wants and works and doesn’t works gets.
and then that list becomes the blue print of our perfect partner. and usually the things on this list highlight the things in our own lives that we value, or like to do, or want to be. and often, on a surface level, these lists include super trivial things that in actuality equal really really big similarities. such as- loves coffee shops, live music, chuck taylors, bikes, and vodka. and in the rational world those things are similarities to what we like, and therefore will help the relationship last. so yay, good, woo hoo. but those things are also really, umm common, and therefore easy to find if you know where to look. which you do, because they are things you, yourself, enjoy!
so these lists serve us great purpose. but now the ‘get us in trouble’ part. they allow us to check of boxes down the line of “perfect partner” qualities quite quickly, and quite uninformed.
after finding myself spiraling into planning my marriage to a boy i’ve never met this weekend, i have come to the conclusion that social media sites encourage and foster an unhealthy one way relationship that may just lead to setting unrealistic expectations (read: let downs, sadness, and heartbreak).
nowadays we are able to, really, find out just about anything we want to know regarding someone and their standing in our lists of “perfect partner qualities.” i will not reiterate my love in a time of social media post, however, the ability to check of the boxes on our lists based on information that we learned via social networking sites really just encourages the the one person rise up the relationship ladder (read: me literally super sad that my girlfriend met my ’soul mate’ last week in chicago and because he lives there he and i are not able to get married. what.?!.) now, how did i know he was my soulmate?
well, first and foremost, she told me that i would love him. and, let’s be honest, thats probably enough ;). but she then began to *list* the reasons why. (see aforementioned examples of things that possibly make up someone’s list). and then she sent me his blog. and THEN it spiraled (love in a time of social media, again). and next thing i knew i was starting at pictures of him on myspace whilst reading his about me and wholeheartedly feeling heartbroke because he lives in another state (one i just moved out of!!) and therefore i will never be with the love of my life. . . . . WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?
nothing. he fit, quite perfectly, all the things on my easy to check off list. but, oh yea- we’ve never met, may never meet, live across the country… and he likes my girlfriend. so what now?
i’m left feeling sad, undesired, and like i will not find the one boy in SF that owns coffee shops, women’s vintage clothing stores, internet start-ups, music venues, and owns and fixes photo booths. but in ACTUALITY, it has nothing to do with him as a person at all. because i don’t know him. and, honestly, i shouldn’t give up on the san fran smart entrepreneurial chuck wearing 5 o’clock shadow having photo booth loving sensitive boy who believes in ‘good people’ and midwestern values all while riding his bike with his buddy holly glasses population- lucky 13 has to have at least one that will fit my needs.
but until i find him, i’m making a conscious effort to NOT turn into crazy myspace stalker girl, sabotage my dating life, and quickly and easily find ‘box’ checking info. even if it is flaunting itself in my face waiting for me to find.