July 9th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
| No Comments »
i don’t wanna see the same pictures all over, and i’ve been standing in the same spot now since its been over, could someone promise me a new chance, i don’t wanna wake up knowing i don’t have a future…
this post was inspired by one of my more thought provoking ask steph submissions.
there is this relational theory that i love… ok i won’t get geeky, but it basically states that when you are not not getting your needs met in a relationship, you begin to search for and explore other options. now this option seeking is done while said relational partner is still in the relationship that is not meeting needs. basically, we explore our options, and make sure there is something better, before we actually break up with someone. because, who knows, maybe there is not anyone out there who could meet those needs, no need dumping the currently relationship then…
this is, very often, where cheating comes in. cheating being defined as physical or emotional (usually in the aspect of the relationship where needs are not being met) intimacy with someone other than your relational partner. unfortunately for us romantics, cheating does actually serve a purpose. cheating provides us an outside perspective of what we could have in the scary dating world outside our current safe relationship. if we like our options outside the relationship enough, usually we decide to break up with our current relationship partner. if we realize that our options are not really any better than what we are involved in then we will stay in the relationship (a whole nother relational theory).
so either cheating leads to breaking up, or cheating leads to staying with your current partner. this is why it is possible for couples to stay together, heal, and get past infidelity. because cheating can make you realize that what you have in front of you is exactly what you want/need.
but here is the thing. this process of exploring options, if we’re lucky, doesn’t happen alone. usually we have friends that help give us even more outside perspective. we discuss our unmet needs, hopes, and dreams- and our friends tell us what they see in our relationship. therefore, friends are usually as influential on if we break up or stay with current relational parter as the person we may be cheating with. and though our friends have our very best interest in mind, their perspective can be detrimentally rational.
those friends did not have an intimate connection with our current relational partner. they did not experience everything we did in our relationship. and, again unfortunately, since they are our friends, they are usually the ones that hear all the bad things about the relationship. this is because as humans, we focus so hard on the negatives. the relationship could be 80% positive, but those aren’t the things our friends hear about. no no, they hear about the negatives- because we need to vent and feel like we are heard. and our friends hear us and validate that the negatives in our relationship are real and affecting.
so here we are, feeling unmet in our needs of the relationship, but confused by emotions (connection, caring, love for the other, frustration, anger, sadness). we turn to our friends and there they are to give us exactly what we need- a rational perspective. but their perspective a) is informed by the negative things we tell them, and b) lacking the emotional connection we feel to our current partner.
but they are our friends, and we know they have our best interests in heart. so we often listen to them. but unconsciously we get resentful that they are so adamant about, say, leaving our partner. because hearing their rational thoughts makes us realize that we do/did care about the person they are telling us to leave. and that makes us feel bad about leaving them.
i mean, i am not trying to justify cheating, or even ’side’ with a cheater- physical or emotional. but theoretically…its natural to explore your options before entering and exiting a relationship. i guess this all leads back to an old post of mine which explains that obviously we don’t get into relationships expecting them to end. so no matter what our intentions at the end of the relationship, and what factors or perspectives helped us come to the end of the relationship – breaking up is emotionally difficult for both parties involved. even if there is emotional/physical cheating. and breaking up is an emotional process that sometimes our rationally involved friends just cannot genuinely experience with us.
and i wanna change
change the way we always had
and to make different plans
and try not to make this sad
and i always choose another way
July 7th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
| No Comments »
i know you’re wise beyond your years, but do you ever feel that your perfect verse is just a lie that you tell yourself to help you get by….
i find myself in the same dating habit as i did about two thirds of the way through college. and im surprised that i have revernted back to the same place, but not upset. because, the habit is not terrible, or anything. i’m not beating myself up. but i realize that the habit comes at a relatively similar point in my life now as it did then.
logically, i must explain my tendencies before i explain how my silly brain sees them as a habit, and a possibly bad habit at that.
i suppose i’m what we could call….extroverted. i tend to be outgoing, and fun, and bubbly and blah blah blah with all the descriptors. so there are two ways that this personality trait integrates itself into my dating life.
first, i am attracted to shyer, calmer guys. call it balance, call it mystery, call it what you will. so, when i’m out i tend to get interested in the quieter guys. from an astrological sense- air signs. thinkers, not so much go go goers. and i like this. i just like some that is calm and interesting.
and now the catch 22:
the thing about being attracted to the quiet/calm types… they are much less outwardly aggressive (DUH!). so often, i end up being the aggressor. because, well, it comes easily to me. i don’t really get embarrassed easily. i am extroverted. i figure i’ve got nothing to lose. and i really don’t mind telling a boy i think he is cute, or that i am interested, or whatever. and because i know that these are the boys that i am attracted to i have adapted to the usual occurrences of this extrovert/introvert courtship.
main usual occurrence- they are much less likely to ask for my number. so, taking the aggressor role, i usually end up giving them my number (without them outwardly asking for it). now, i am not one to be loose with these 10 digits. i may crush a lot, but i don’t give you my number unless i really like you, and want you to call. and recently, that takes quite a bit. SO, i give my number to the quiet/shy guy… and wait for him to call. and wait. and wait.
second:::enter reasoning for ‘bad’ habit of a)being attracted to quiet boys, b)giving them my number:::::: usually, when a boy is too shy to ask you for your number, he’s probably too shy to call. now, i know, there are boys who maybe don’t ask for it because they are not interested, and thus of course they are not going to call… but i’m talking now about the honest to goodness connection/mutual interest times. where it is clear.
so, i give my number to one of these boys. the boy who brings out the girly voice in me when telling my friends about him, the boy who makes me curious about everything he is about, the boy that is calm, and sweet and yea. the boy that is less likely to call… because… well, my outwardness is apparently intimidating (says my guy friends). and how many shy boys will call a girl that possibly intimidates him? not many. so how many calls do i get from these cute, mutually attracted boys? not many.
basically, i set myself up for rejection. mind you i’m not using the term rejection in like a heart breaking sense. but that IS what is happening. and, i realize, that i fall into this bad habit when i am officially openly ready to meet someone. because there are times when you are ready to meet someone, and start something, and have a connection. its not needy or desperate. in fact, it is far from it. it is a point of self-awareness where you have worked on yourself so much, and are so open to growing that you are ready to get to know someone else on a deeper level, because you know honestly know who you are.
so opening myself up=giving my number=not getting called back=rejection=discouraging dating experience=frustration and sadness over twentysomething dating life.
so…here i am, a few days later, wondering if he’ll call…
July 3rd, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
| No Comments »
i felt you in my legs before i ever met you. and when i laid beside you for the first time, i told you. i felt you in my life before i ever thought to. i feel you in my heart, and i don’t even know you. and now we’re saying bye, bye. 
so, we all know (and if you don’t know, now you know) how i may have a slight tendency to get really introspective while studying various things (read: communication theory, astrology, and relationship theory). and today was day one of my IMAGO educator certification training… basically my hero of the relationship world (who is changing the world) teaching me, personally, his relational communication techniques. so, let me preface this post with the the comment that my astrological study spirals into introspection have got nothing on today.
and another caveat, you (well, a few of you) will think this post is about you. and im feeling vulnerable, in need of release, and ultimately ready and in need of some f-ing closure. so as much as you may think this is about you… i have to write it. it needs to get out. and honestly, its not about you anyway. yea, you.
so. i finally get it. i mean i’ve gotten it, a new it, about you a few times. each one more intense, each one eliciting emotion and intertwined confusion and clarity. and i think i get it now, for good. and the worst part… i have no idea what to do now that i get it. because, basically, i now understand why it has been forever, and i cant let you go completely. and when i think i do, you sneak back into my life through the many interconnections we have and basically blindside me with feelings that i had previously worked through and dismissed.
today was one of those sneak attack days. a little bit because, through connection, you presented yourself to me in a punch in the stomach way… but mostly because i learned, in a safe and un-vulnerable environent that my feelings for you were real. and common. and intense. and valid. and i learned this because i am a slightly bit neurotic and psychopathic and need other people to validate what i feel, or else i beat myself up for feeling it, or ignore it all together. so my validation for these intense emotions comes via rationality, of course (and some ‘from the gut’ sobbing).
romantic love. one of my favorite concepts since my wee little undergrad life. the thing about romantic love is that is awe inspiring. its the over the fence, nothing matters, and everything matters, i can do anything, the world is amazing, the grass green, the sky blue, the sun bright, fresh air filled lungs, laughter loaded, life makes sense, out of the ballpark feelings. romantic love is pure passion and illusions. and absolutely fabulous. and as sure as everyone of the preceding things are, romantic love will fade. always. every time. its supposed to. why is is supposed to? to create a connection. that is the purpose of romantic love. to induce that “i feel like we’ve known each other so long,” “this is a magical feeling,” “there is just this undeniable chemistry,” feeling. those are the common themes used in the psychological world to identify the mountain moving feeling of romantic love.
so. it fades. and the things you once loved about the person become the things you hate. but here you are stuck with this connection. this intense “but it was so magical, that means something,” connection. and, if you’re lucky, (or enlist of my help) you understand that this is normal, and that you can get through this disillusioned, real, and conflictual state through to the other side to real love. which is about a million times better than romantic love (imagine that). unfortunately, most people don’t get through this disillusionment in every relationship (or maybe fortunately, because when you do, its the real deal, in an amazing way).
so, back to me. i realize why, for entirely too long, and against my will, i have not been able to let go of you completely. we never got through the romantic love. we ended while it was still good. still awe inspiring. still stomach turning, want to be a better person, love the world, can’t imagine where this chemistry came from love. for all the known, obvious, and unknown reasons we died too soon. we were still magical. we didn’t stay on natures course, which is to connect for purpose. we connected, and never even had the chance to use that connection to work through the difficult times. we never got that far.
so there, i guess. why it’s been entirely too long for you to induce such confusion, emotion, and analysis. alas, i never got to finish the process. and processes are created for a reason. its just true.
so, yet again. here i am, left with emotions that i still have no idea how to process. because, well… they came out of the premature death of a process.