don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

it feels like love love love, and it feels like touch touch touch

so the macking game is interesting. and completely different for men and women, boy and girls. and apparently i have no game. in the literal and metaphorical way. because almost two weeks ago i decided that, just for sport, i would consciously get my mack on, if you will. i decided to get back into the game just to see how it goes. and to have fun, and get some attention and you know… be flirty. cause it’s fun. so i thought.

the concept is fun, until i realized that i apparently have no game. i never thought it something i needed. i talk and laugh, a lot, and loudly. and that is usually enough to get some flirtations going (and equals zero effort because its, uhhh just who i am). but a few times recently i have set out with my boys on a quest of getting my mack on. to see if i could. and my boys mack their shit. and i go home in a cab alone. (which is fine by me, don’t think i’d want my mackee to be in the cab with me anyway)

the point. instead of a full on mack session, it seems like i often just become the awkward third (or fifth) wheel in the situation. and im not sure why. well, i have some thoughts.

a) the LACK of interesting and attractive mackees. cute boys where ARE you? (besides behind the counter of my favorite ice cream shop). it seems that my boys usually find at least one mack worthy lady every time they try. i on the other hand, have not found a cute conscious flirt worthy boy. i suppose this could be for a few different reasons: i would like to meet someone to have a real connection with. so even though i am playing the game of mack as purely sport my mind cannot separate its normal flirt/crush/like worthy qualifications from the apparent low standards i must need to simply get my swerve on. also, maybe i’m hanging at the wrong mackppropriate venues. however, i believe a bar is the MOST mackppropriate place possible. hmp.

b) i am always hanging with boys when i try to get my mack on. maybe other boys don’t want to talk to the girl surrounded by other guys. but what sucks about THIS is that my presence exponentially increases the ‘game’ of my boys. sorry loves, its true. i am the trust factor. i am there to bond with the girl, and to let her express her ‘i don’t normally do this’ thoughts, and assure her that my boys are different, they are good guys (which they are). so while i am being passed over as the girl hanging with dudes, my dudes are macking hard. and successfully.

c)maybe i’m just not able to play the game when i’m not really in it to win it. i mean who really wants to be making out at the bar, or in the alley, or in the cab? or wake up wondering if there actually was something, or was it just physical. unfortuantely i say this with less umph that i should because sometimes the attention one gets from a mackee is just what one wants, needs, and enjoys.

and hell. maybe a mackee meeting would lead to a date. which i am apparently also ready to try on for size. ugh. this week dating just seems so… annoying.

what did i say? what did i say? ohh i didn’t mean it. what did i do? what did i do? ohh i didn’t mean it.

the ever awkward ‘date’

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy.

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing.

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know.

my last date was most certainly with my ex. and that’s different because first and foremost we had been dating forever. he and i never went on a date prior to ‘boyfriend/girlfriendness.’ and most importantly the main reason for the date was not to get to know one another, or spend time with one another, it was to experience the food and restaurant. and it was stressful, and expensive, and made me fat and broke. (sorry b). so add that experience to my thoughts of going on dates. and where does that leave me. not wanting to do THAT again.

and then there is this little thing that i most certainly learned from my pistol of an independent first woman to get her driving and real estate license in michigan of a grandma. don’t let someone put you in a position where you owe them. and they have something on you. (hence my inability to accept help without a fight)

so in our paradigm shift of  a dating world where the rules of traditional dating have not yet changed (dinner/drinks, boy should pay, probably hold hands) but we ‘want it all’ in regards to physical attention where does that leave us (me)? with the boy paying and then me owing him something.

again, i am not claiming that i’m not completely psychologically too independent for my own good, but i’m my grandmother’s granddaughter, as well as my entrepreneurial mother and only child father’s only child who knows how to change her tire (and has DONE it many times) has a graduate degree, that can pay for my own dinner and drinks thankyouverymuch.

so THESE are all the crazy things that come into my mind when i think about WHY i will most likely not get into a relationship via dating.

but who am i kidding. do i really know what i’m doing any other time i’m trying to date someone? um, no. i’m just like everyone else. trying to find a connection whilst being terrified of losing myself, being misunderstood, being expected to ‘owe’ something, being vulnerable and well… everything else.

so. i’m throwing it all out the window. because this weekend the idea of going out on a date, getting dressed up, having great conversation and connection, and being giggly for days after just sounded refreshing. and exciting. and who am i to know when and how i will get to know someone or start a relationship. and this way i know they are at least interested in getting to know me romantically. rather than building a deep intense friendship waking up in love one day not knowing at all how the other feels about me. what about THAT seems less awkward than someone paying for dinner or kissing me on my doorstep? geez steph. get a grip.

so there we have it. i will go on a date. i will enjoy it. i will wear a dress and if all goes well i will be giggly for days until the next.

(but i suppose i am overlooking the obvious… a gentleman caller to escort me on said date. ugh. remembering that apparently the type of boy i am attracted to and intrigued by is calm, quieter than i, and often shy… i probably won’t  be getting any date invites that surpass the previous 4 paragraphs of awkwardness and jump into exciting territory. and now comes the ever appropriate uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

i’m sure i’ll mess it all up i’m sure ill try to convince myself that i just need time to be….

asking for a girl’s number

you’re chatting me, like we connect but I don’t even know if we’re still friends
It’s so confusing, understanding you is making me not want to do the things that I know I should do
But i trip up and then i lose and i hate looking like a fool

wow. feel like some crazy person the way my thoughts about myself and dating seem to fluctuate lately. i think generally this is where i stand: i am in no hurry to jump into a relationship (hello 2.5 year break since my last), i am, however, open to meeting someone to get to know, i do need to take whatever it is with that someone slowly, i am not into this whole hook up culture, and like the giggly stuff… but THAT being said, i have a bone to pick.

ok, this maybe is just a rant, so if you’re not into hearing curly redheads bitch, then maybe wait for the next post. but here is the thing. what does it take for a guy to ask for a girls number? it seems i have friends that get girls numbers all the time (and they call, usually, i’m not just talking sport). and because most girls are not like me, they had to ASK for those numbers.

so my question, to you straight boys- what makes a girl worth asking for her number?!
is it purely physical?
is it good conversation?
is it when you know she’ll give you it (ego boost)?
is it cause you want to get to know her?
is when she asks for yours?

and a few more questions… do you really think that a girl who gives you her number may be the one (i swear there is no judgement in that question, i just want to know)? is there a type of girl that you usually ask? do you ask girls for their numbers often?

and ultimately, what the hell is it about me that makes you all NEVER ask? ok. this is not a pity party, i promise. but “just because i don’t want to go to the prom doesn’t mean i don’t want to be asked!” i know this is probably a cranky wednesday feel bad about myself moment but, what gives?

i was talking to a friend about the concept of ‘macking’ and just going out on the weekend to meet people. and sure, maybe i’m outta line to say that i want to go out and get my ’swerve’ on without anything actually coming of it, but i just said it. so we’ll move on. in said conversation i could not actually remember the last time a gentleman caller asked for my digits. so what IS it?!

in case you have not figured it out I AM ASKING FOR A RESPONSE TO THIS. this is not a rhetorical question.

so to recap boys- what is it about a girl that makes you want to/or not want to ask her for her number?

and remember, i’m being crazy superficial non meaningful relationship steph right now, because honestly self esteem comes from lots of places, and what other people think is most certainly one of them. (and i don’t need “oh don’t worry steph you don’t want of those guys, its ok they are just intimidated, you’re not going to meet the one for you in a bar” answers. i know this. remember i’m a smart cookie. just play the game how i asked you to, kay?)

I’m not in love
I just wanna be touched
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss

old school milestones of dating….

snails see the benefits, the beauty of every inch, so why why why you so quick to kiss?

so, i was having a conversation last week with a friend, one of those honest saviors of the dating world, and he is newly back on the market (you chicago ladies have something majorly good on your hands) and i asked him if he was going to get his mack on at the bar that evening. and his response, perfectly simple, “eh it’s not about macking as much as i could let it be. i mean i could go out and get my swerve on if i wanted but that’s not really my style.”

and of course i said i loved that it wasn’t his style. and he said that he was bringing dating back. and respected certain milestones in relationships. and i was oh so in love with our conversation at that moment.

it also reminded me of something a teacher at my friend’s all boy high school told him once “if you like a girl, don’t kiss her right away.”

and wow. how perfect. dating is supposed to have milestones. and we have somehow created this hookup culture that bypasses all these milestones. but the thing about the hook up culture that that it was created because we want real/lasting/satisfying relationships, but don’t know how to get there so we might as well “have fun trying.” and yes, i’ve talked about this before… but i think we need to analyze the old milestones of dating as a way to remember how good they were.

they were (in paraphrase of my friends): dude i met this girl and we stayed up all night talking, oh we went on a date (the two of us), we held hands, oh man we  kissed, we finally made-out hardcore, and ultimately… i got laid and it was so good.

so now i’m going to take it back myself, and try and enkindle these feelings in us one more time. cause, damn they were honest feel good giggly feelings.

member the feeling of just meeting someone that you could/wanted to talk to all night? not talking in effort to leave the bar with. not talking as a way to kill time until you’re drunk enough to make-out with and blame the alcohol, but actually talk to. think back to middle school if you have to- staying up late whispering to the boy/girl you liked on the phone all night. as if seeing them tomorrow just would never be enough. and no matter how tired you would be tomorrow it would all be worth it to talk about the song you’re listening to right then in your bed, or  your favorite food, or how you did on the math test. remember that feeling of thoroughly enjoying talking with someone, and wanting to know everything about them?

and then you get to the weekend. and you can go out with them, cause its not a school or work night. and you plan what you’re going to do and since you’ve talked about everything on the phone all night during the week every phone call turns to the logistics of hanging out and what “we’re” going to do. and you think about what you’re going to wear (i know you do/did this too boys) and the split second you see them you get giggly inside and try to hide it and play it cool. and all night you’re hanging out, or eating dinner, or watching a movie wonder if he is going to hold your hand, or if she is going to reject you if you try. and somehow your hands actually touch, and you get butterflies. god, remember that?! it was amazing. those butterflies of honest liking and attraction.

so now you’re hanging out and talking on the phone every night and probably holding hands when you see each other and all you can think of is that kiss. the first kiss. and if you’re a girl you’re probably thinking of how he’ll do it, where, when, and will he put his hand on your face (because it is the epitome of hot) or is he ever going to do it? and i won’t pretend to know what you boys are thinking but i’m sure its like: should i? how? when? does she even want me to? will i ruin everything? will it be awkward? and then it happens and more giggles.

and then you’re holding hands, and maybe smooching once in a while and then probably comes some sort of boyfriend/girlfriend talk. cause, in the honest days of dating,  by this time you want them to be kissing only you (not sleeping only with you).

and then comes hanging out with your and their friends and being comfortable enough with the “relationship” that you can hold hands, and smooch in front of friends. and you want to. because you are not looking for someone at the bar that you may be more attracted to, or want to flirt with. you actually just want to be with that person cause you have connection and friendship on top of attraction and giggles.

and then you have a relationship based on mutual interest, friendship, attraction and connection, where you have decided to be exclusive before sleeping together (am i the only one who still believes in this?!) and all is good. and then you sleep together. and it means something. and its connection based. and honest. and strengthens the relationship- not threatens it.

these were good milestones. what happened to them?

i guess the point of this post is to elicit those butterflies in the stomach feelings that we had when we first began dating. and to ask you all, has there been anything better than reaching the dating milestones in such a manner? and propose this – as always, anything worth something takes time and effort… so maybe we should go back to the days where if you like someone you don’t kiss them right away. because hopefully i’ve reminded you of what it felt like to wake up thinking about a boy or girl you like not laying next to them, and you want that feeling again, too.

baby, maybe, i spoke too soon
i’ll touch you once
you make the first move
snails see the benefits
the beauty in every inch

connection is connection, who am i to criticize how it is formed?

we barely have time to react in this world, let alone rehearse…

so, i hate to say it. but i think some of you may know- i’m, uh, skeptical of social media sites and our twenty/thirty something dating lives. it’s just so new. and we are most certainly in a societal paradigm shift when it comes it relationships, marriage and dating. but this morning i was overwhelmed with excitement when i read the comment on my last post. and boom it hit me. the positive side of this gathering of information.

i’ve clearly decided that taking relationships slowly is the way  for me (and honestly, all of us, hooking up is like poison on actual relationships…but more on that later). and i know i need to take relationships slowly, and become friends with someone first, but there is just allllll this information out there. and we have ideas in our head of what our partner should and will be. and we can find out about others and their standing in out perfect mate outline by searching them on social media sites. and though i’m still totally in need of holding my self accountable for not stalking boys i may be interested in… i have a new perspective on this.

one thing i have noticed about getting older and dating (and so has the academic community!) is that we seem to want the perfect mate more than ever, yet we don’t necessarily want to do all the things that attract or create the perfect mate. such as get to know them before hooking up, not meet at a bar, take things slowly and so forth. so i see a lot of my friends in this weird stage of dating- old enough to have one or two really serious relationships in their past, not wanting to get into ‘that‘ again unless it’s with the right person so they are going out, drinking, having a good time meeting a guy/girl and hooking up and maybe continuing to see that person, knowing that they are not the ‘one.’ and ‘just wanting to have fun’ until the right one just happens to appear (uh, sorry, not that easy). so, what i’m trying to say- we go out, find someone at the bar to play the game with, flirt, hook up, and get the attention we are in need of. all while waiting for mr/s. right.

and i teeter between thinking this is just a way to dig ourselves deeper into dating/relationship purgatory and thinking that it’s healthy to play the dating game and it’s ok to know that someone is not the ‘one’ and keep dating them. so i was talking to a friend of mine who is on a dating website. and he is most certainly in the “i don’t want to jump into anything serious again but i do want to meet a cool girl that i don’t have to see everyday but i can see whenever i want that is hot and wants to hook up with me even when i only see her every two weeks but i want to be able to meet other girls too and not feel bad but really if the perfect girl came along i would totally snap out of this and do things right” stage. yes, i clearly have an opinion about this ;). but we were talking about a girl he met and went on a date with and he was like “i dunno, she’s well… nah, it didn’t work.”  i reply, “well what was one thing?” him, “she so didn’t look like her picture.” and we got into how it sucks because there are some really cute girls on the site smiling/poking/winking (or whatever flirtatious nonverbal movement the site uses) but it’s annoying that they want to email for like two weeks. and ask how many siblings he has, and what are his hobbies and blah blah blah. and i’m going to go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt that he finds this annoying because he would just rather go on a date to find these things out (the things i do to protect my boys from my own criticism). but thinking back to his “she didn’t look like her pictures” comment made me realize something. he was most certainly NOT looking for what they are looking for. someone to date. he was looking for above super crazy unrealistic perfect guy situation girl.

where am i going with this. somewhere, i promise. so, this morning, while reading said comment on my last post it hit me. the things we find out from these social media sites are exactly the things that my friend was annoyed with having to discuss in email. the things that DO matter in a relationship. similarities, and interests, and hobbies. so this is good. but what really matters, is that, oddly finding out about someone, or ‘meeting’ someone on these social media sites slows things down immensely. you’re not fighting off your attention needing hormones and liquid courage induced flirtations.

i don’t know rickt (in all traditional senses of the word know). but somehow, based off of mutual interests and ‘getting to know’ each other via communication (!) we have created some sort of genuine connection. that had nothing to do with seeing each other across the bar and wanting to go home that night. woah. there’s hope after all!

maybe i can chalk up my self sabotage talk to my newness of fully embracing the techie world. back in the midwest my accountant, PR, sales, and other non internet/computer based career friends and i thought we were being stupid and embarrassing to talk about someone’s myspace and facebook profiles (and, no, they don’t even know of twitter) in public. and there’s still a part of me right there with them, even with all the life style change i’ve embraced over the last three months. yet, they are still on myspace and facebook because, yea, it IS our life now.

so thanks cali, for keeping it honest. duh, we all use social media sites. maybe my seeing it as self sabotage is a bit of midwestern induced embarrassment for living my life so entwined in the interwebs and not IRL. but, as “i <3 my internet friends” solidifies… what’s so wrong with that? connection is connection. and let’s be honest, no matter how we go about dating… it what we are all really after.

and i don’t think i’m better than you
but i don’t think that i’m worse
women learn to be women
and men learn to be men