Entries from August 2008 ↓

it feels like love love love, and it feels like touch touch touch 

so the macking game is interesting. and completely different for men and women, boy and girls. and apparently i have no game. in the literal and metaphorical way. because almost two weeks ago i decided that, just for sport, i would consciously get my mack on, if you will. i decided to get back into the game just to see how it goes. and to have fun, and get some attention and you know… be flirty. cause it’s fun. so i thought. 

the concept is fun, until i realized that i apparently have no game. i never thought it something i needed. i talk and laugh, a lot, and loudly. and that is usually enough to get some flirtations going (and equals zero effort because its, uhhh just who i am). but a few times recently i have set out with my boys on a quest of getting my mack on. to see if i could. and my boys mack their shit. and i go home in a cab alone. (which is fine by me, don’t think i’d want my mackee to be in the cab with me anyway) 

the point. instead of a full on mack session, it seems like i often just become the awkward third (or fifth) wheel in the situation. and im not sure why. well, i have some thoughts. Continue reading →

i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there

even though, or perhaps maybe  because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy. 

since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….

yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing. 

and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know. Continue reading →

you’re chatting me, like we connect but I don’t even know if we’re still friends
 It’s so confusing, understanding you is making me not want to do the things that I know I should do 
But i trip up and then i lose and i hate looking like a fool

wow. feel like some crazy person the way my thoughts about myself and dating seem to fluctuate lately. i think generally this is where i stand: i am in no hurry to jump into a relationship (hello 2.5 year break since my last), i am, however, open to meeting someone to get to know, i do need to take whatever it is with that someone slowly, i am not into this whole hook up culture, and like the giggly stuff… but THAT being said, i have a bone to pick. 

ok, this maybe is just a rant, so if you’re not into hearing curly redheads bitch, then maybe wait for the next post. but here is the thing. what does it take for a guy to ask for a girls number? it seems i have friends that get girls numbers all the time (and they call, usually, i’m not just talking sport). and because most girls are not like me, they had to ASK for those numbers. 

so my question, to you straight boys- what makes a girl worth asking for her number?! Continue reading →

on page one of chapter 24 in the story of my life i decided to move to san francisco. mostly in search of adventure and something new and exciting. and the first half of this chapter, as most enjoyable reading goes, came with a lot of character building and scene set up (grad school tests, job quitting, and goodbyes). however, the second half of this chapter has been much more… ummm, eventful. and serendipitous. and amazing. and whirlwind like.

and for those of you unaware of the happenings of chapter 24:pt1 the plan to was to get out here on the west coast. get a training and development/HR job. and begin to pursue my dream much more aggressively. and boy, was i surprised how the universe defined aggressively. 

7 days after moving to the city by the bay i started to meet the new cast of chapter 24:pt2. and the universe showed me its definition of aggressive. the next thing i knew i was going to techie events 2 and 3 nights a week, meeting new friends and thoroughly beginning to understand how exactly i could make a difference in this crazy world we live in- by using the interwebs, of course!

after soaking up everything my brian and heart could possibly hold at the Smart Marriages Conference 2008, and completing a two day intensive IMAGO Relationships Couples Course training (by the founders/my heros themselves!!!) my vision became instantly clear. 

i needed to build (well, thats where G comes in : ) a website for all things relationships. and that’s where my life and love took off. 

so here i am, months later: no training and development corporate america job, house/cat sitting in one of the nation’s hilliest neighborhoods, 2/3s of my belongings in storage, surrounded by some of the most amazing friends i could ever ask for, finishing up chapter 24. 

and as i close this chapter i intend to make these next four weeks wildly intense and go out with a bang!

therefore, it is with much excitement, stess, tears, giggles, laughs, fears, and love that i announce my new life: ShadesOfPerspective. 

Shades of Perspective will be a website for all things relationships. With entertaining and informative writing, events, and interactive features SOP aims to help twenty and thirty somethings navigate the difficult world of dating and relationships while having fun (duh!). 

so here is it is. the SOP mission statement. my life and love: 

Create and maintain a safe space on the internet that normalizes twenty&thirty something relational experiences while providing opportunities for relational education and growth. Thereby helping people better identify the real or perceived obstacles that are preventing loving relationships, and discover advantageous methods to overcome these obstacles prior to marriage and/or divorce. 

so keep posted. in the next few months this will only get better and better. and come on, don’t you want to be personally part of chapter 25? 

all my love <3

stephanie

snails see the benefits, the beauty of every inch, so why why why you so quick to kiss?

so, i was having a conversation last week with a friend, one of those honest saviors of the dating world, and he is newly back on the market (you chicago ladies have something majorly good on your hands) and i asked him if he was going to get his mack on at the bar that evening. and his response, perfectly simple, “eh it’s not about macking as much as i could let it be. i mean i could go out and get my swerve on if i wanted but that’s not really my style.”

and of course i said i loved that it wasn’t his style. and he said that he was bringing dating back. and respected certain milestones in relationships. and i was oh so in love with our conversation at that moment. 

it also reminded me of something a teacher at my friend’s all boy high school told him once “if you like a girl, don’t kiss her right away.”

and wow. how perfect. dating is supposed to have milestones. and we have somehow created this hookup culture that bypasses all these milestones. but the thing about the hook up culture that that it was created because we want real/lasting/satisfying relationships, but don’t know how to get there so we might as well “have fun trying.” and yes, i’ve talked about this before… but i think we need to analyze the old milestones of dating as a way to remember how good they were. Continue reading →

we barely have time to react in this world, let alone rehearse…

so, i hate to say it. but i think some of you may know- i’m, uh, skeptical of social media sites and our twenty/thirty something dating lives. it’s just so new. and we are most certainly in a societal paradigm shift when it comes it relationships, marriage and dating. but this morning i was overwhelmed with excitement when i read the comment on my last post. and boom it hit me. the positive side of this gathering of information. 

i’ve clearly decided that taking relationships slowly is the way  for me (and honestly, all of us, hooking up is like poison on actual relationships…but more on that later). and i know i need to take relationships slowly, and become friends with someone first, but there is just allllll this information out there. and we have ideas in our head of what our partner should and will be. and we can find out about others and their standing in out perfect mate outline by searching them on social media sites. and though i’m still totally in need of holding my self accountable for not stalking boys i may be interested in… i have a new perspective on this. 

one thing i have noticed about getting older and dating (and so has the academic community!) is that we seem to want the perfect mate more than ever, yet we don’t necessarily want to do all the things that attract or create the perfect mate. such as get to know them before hooking up, not meet at a bar, take things slowly and so forth. so i see a lot of my friends in this weird stage of dating- old enough to have one or two really serious relationships in their past, not wanting to get into ‘that‘ again unless it’s with the right person so they are going out, drinking, having a good time meeting a guy/girl and hooking up and maybe continuing to see that person, knowing that they are not the ‘one.’ and ‘just wanting to have fun’ until the right one just happens to appear (uh, sorry, not that easy). so, what i’m trying to say- we go out, find someone at the bar to play the game with, flirt, hook up, and get the attention we are in need of. all while waiting for mr/s. right. Continue reading →

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy whose reality, i knew, was a hopeless to be had

so. i’m finally out of my lonely funk. sometimes i guess there is such a thing as too much counting crows. and even before that funk i’d been thinking about something. shocker- another effect of what ’social media’ does to dating. well, my dating.

so when i like someone…. ha, the word like just seems so, uh, middle school. and i haven’t said it in a while. so, anyway when i ‘like’ someone, oddly enough, i usually keep it to myself. yes, i know, weird because i let everyone know what i’m thinking the second i think it in every other aspect of my life… but i usually keep it to myself. for a million reasons but mostly cause saying it out loud commits me to it. i mean our friends hold us to what we say. its like when someone wants to quit smoking they have to tell a friend because their friend will hold them to it. same with a crush, or liking. it is just basic accountability.

but what sucks about the accountability with liking someone is that then it becomes one way ‘liking’ and in your friends’ eyes everything you do socially becomes part of liking that person. and instantly all your effort goes into getting that person to like you back, rather than getting to know them more and growing your connection with them. its like when you say that you like someone the dating game becomes one way. you are trying to get them to like you back. cause you’ve already come to the conclusion that you like them, and now you need them to like you back. so if you’re the first to admit that you like someone there is this pressure to make it happen. and if you can’t make it happen (isn’t that what we all want- to make someone like us, god.) or they don’t like you back then you just look/feel dumb. its like double rejection. cause a) they don’t like you back, and b) everyone knows and you’re, oddly, publicly rejected, even if it is only to your friends. and let’s be honest, it sucks when someone doesn’t like you back. and public rejection sucks. so, in this oh so loving culture we live in where saving face is important we then have to deal with the uncomfortableness of being publicly rejected AND the sadness of someone we like not liking us back. double whammy. so, yea clearly i have issues of being judged. but i don’t tell people when like someone. i mean this two way liking thing is hard enough. and some things just need to be done singularly, such as processing the ‘liking’ of someone and your hopes they like you back (says the girl who publicly processes life). Continue reading →

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling of incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell. Continue reading →

it’s a saturday afternoon romance between a cowboy and a fool…

i think i’ve been feeling (for lack of a better word) lonely lately. and because of that, all things romantical have been on my mind. and since i kept using the word ‘romantic,’ i realized that it seems to be this intangible thing- difficult to define. like umm love. everyone has a different definition. romance/romantic can be a noun, a verb, an adjective, a feeling and probably any other component of language we could think of. yet, everyone defines it differently.

so how is one supposed to be romantic, or experience romance if each of us defines it differently? there have been a few things in the last few weeks that made me croon with romantical feelings (read: become blue with envy, yes blue=sad) and they were all so different.
first, a friend of mine from high school got married. and he is younger than i, and all his friends were poking fun of him at the wedding for being the guy that had a new girl every week. one said, “and he’d call me and be like, ‘dude, i met this girl and she is so cool…’” another, “then he’d call me and be like, ‘no really i think this is the one, i really like her’” and the next “no it was more like, ‘i met this girl, she’s so awesome, i want to see her all the time.’” and they were all commenting on how its shocking that he is the first one to get married and they are so surprised (!!). and all i could think of (odd since i was one of those girls for a week) was how romantic it was that he believed in love and romance enough to keep trying to find the one. he was an active participant in making love in his life. or at least trying. he wasn’t calling and saying “dude, i met this girl she’s so hot.” every one of his friends unconsciously quoted him talking about how he liked her, as a person. <— romantic.

second, after reading my last post about my one sided love with said chicago boy a guy friend of mine was assuring me that i wasn’t crazy for doing what i was (crazy things). he said, quite simply, “there’s nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel quote-unquote romantic” and wow, was he right. the possibility of something so impossible actually happening is so inspiring and fantastical that it feels like romance. like, “look at the odds against us.” or, “listen to this serendipitous way we met! the stars were on our side…” fantasy-like = romantical.

third, a girlfriend of mine went on a date with the guy she’s been seeing. and to anyone else, the events of that night were probably very ‘normal-date’ like. but i was very hung up on the sole fact that they had a date night. time set aside for each other even though friends get along. wanting to spend alone time together on a typical ‘go out’ night = romance.

so i asked a few of these friends what romance actually meant to them. and the first response was pretty standard - “little things that he knows I like, or flowers, or surprises.” and i realized then that those standard definitions were not really what i was thinking of in my mind. but i couldn’t quite express what it was that i was thinking of.
and apparently after hearing my fumbling words, inappropriate for the ‘over drinks before a night out’ situation, they contemplated my seemingly out of place examples of romance (above) and seemed to get it a little more than i thought.
one said that romance is simply making an effort. and i agree. but, in my idealistic and *romantical* crazy brain, i hope that our awkward evolution of dating cannot be defined as effortless=acceptable and anything more= romantic. so i am going to piggyback onto her idea and make my personal adjustments to her simple, yet accurate assessment.
i think that romance is being positively present. and yes, here i go with my combination of new age and corporate HR terms, but it is as simple as that. i think that being conscious of what you are doing can honestly equal romance. instead of analytically fleshing this out, i’ll give you an antonymous analogy of what i mean. haven’t you ever, or heard of a friend who has become unhappy in a relationship because they are bored and feel like they are “going through the motions?.” come home from work, make dinner, watch tv, go to bed. oh yea, and the bf/gf is there too. those relationships where people are unhappy are those in which the people are just going through the motions. like getting out of a car and not being able to remember the drive. going through life, love, and relationships unconsciously, un-present.
being present is simply being conscious of yourself, and your actions. and doing them with positive intent. and this quite quickly spirals into romance in our brain. its easy. and can mean a million different things. but the best part- you’ll always be right about what is ‘romantic’ to your partner. because ‘right’ = effort… or presence.

so any easy fix to any and all dating(or lack there of) rut- become conscious of what you are doing. be present in dating. have the conversations. keep looking for the right one. surprise her with her favorite ice cream. buy him his favorite magazine. go to your favorite bar together. think about what you are doing. and smile. and do it with positive intent. and life will be romantic. and inspiring.