wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…
so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.
and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell.
so i try to live my life conscious of what i’m doing. being wholly present, if you will, at each moment. and the last, well, year of my life i have been conscious of not getting into a dating situation with anyone. i had a great fun summer with some summer lovin’ and then it was time to get serious with life. i was working full time in corporate america and going to grad school full time (and then some) and there was no way i would let myself date someone, screw up school, and then beat myself up for it forever. so there i was, taking months off drinks, spending quite comfortable saturday nights with ice cream and a movie, waking up early sunday to actually get things done, and it was nice. i felt caught up on life. i wasn’t going to the bars hoping to meet or see a cute boy just to wake up with a hangover, and maybe a phone number that would never amount to anything. i was living solely for me. and it was, to say the least, exactly what i needed, for me. i learned to love myself, and focus my energy, and i began to honestly not care what other people thought of me (a huge struggle for me for my whole life, and probably still to come).
so. in this past year, dear god, i have become wholly me. i have learned to trust my instinct, i have truly understood my place in the world. i have left everything i have ever known or loved and moved thousands of miles away. i have been openly vulnerable for the last eight months and have incurred a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and accomplishments. and here i am. coming down from all of it. and, honestly, coming down from it is almost more overwhelming than living it. i now have a bedroom, i have more than that. i have space to myself, i have amazing friends who love, embrace and support me, i have a goal, a dream, a vision, a drive, and the ability to get there. and, for all of this, i am ever grateful to the universe.
but as this all comes together, there is something teeny itching my brain. i’d like to meet someone. someone to share this with. someone to laugh with. someone to, god, date. so, my predicament- the same as everyone- who? what? where? when? how? why?
and as i sit and begin to admit that my entirely too independent for my own good, communication freak, relationship loving, crazy analytical, new age, emotional self would like to meet someone i have NO idea where to even start. look at all these theories i have postulated. i believe them! so where does that leave me? let’s recap: a) i need to date someone that i have a connection with, a friend, but i usually don’t know that until i am deep into friendship; b) i am very expecting, i expect you to get me, or want to, and be open to learning and growing with me; c) i have issues with judgement, and if i feel as though you are judging me i say peace out; d) i am (apparently) (and unbeknown to me until recently) unbelievably honest, and this honesty is ummm apparently overwhelming for those unprepared for it; e) adding to the honesty: i write a relationship blog, an honest one, and as brought to my attention by many, the thought of being a subject or component of this blog is a little… nerve-wracking; f) i write a relationship blog!- 1) this supposed to make me an expert, and 2) no one wants to get into something with an expert if they themselves feel like they are going to be called out for not knowing something; g) after two and a half years has accumulated since my last ‘relationship’ … i’m scared. of everything. of losing myself. of losing everything i have realized over the last year. of everything i’ve made for myself. of everything yet to make for myself.
so there. i’m stuck. and i don’t want advice. in fact, if you know me well enough, please don’t try to tell me your thoughts on the about vulnerability inducing statements. i just, honestly, need to release this. say you hear me, say you understand. let there be no ‘buts’ or convincing statements why i shouldn’t care, or feel this way. i’m not sad, i don’t need sympathy, or advice, or help getting through this. i work independently (except for writing) on this one. i just need to release it. and work through this millionth and one catch 22 that i have realized about my life and love.
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