social media and my one way relationships

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy whose reality, i knew, was a hopeless to be had

so. i’m finally out of my lonely funk. sometimes i guess there is such a thing as too much counting crows. and even before that funk i’d been thinking about something. shocker- another effect of what ’social media’ does to dating. well, my dating.

so when i like someone…. ha, the word like just seems so, uh, middle school. and i haven’t said it in a while. so, anyway when i ‘like’ someone, oddly enough, i usually keep it to myself. yes, i know, weird because i let everyone know what i’m thinking the second i think it in every other aspect of my life… but i usually keep it to myself. for a million reasons but mostly cause saying it out loud commits me to it. i mean our friends hold us to what we say. its like when someone wants to quit smoking they have to tell a friend because their friend will hold them to it. same with a crush, or liking. it is just basic accountability.

but what sucks about the accountability with liking someone is that then it becomes one way ‘liking’ and in your friends’ eyes everything you do socially becomes part of liking that person. and instantly all your effort goes into getting that person to like you back, rather than getting to know them more and growing your connection with them. its like when you say that you like someone the dating game becomes one way. you are trying to get them to like you back. cause you’ve already come to the conclusion that you like them, and now you need them to like you back. so if you’re the first to admit that you like someone there is this pressure to make it happen. and if you can’t make it happen (isn’t that what we all want- to make someone like us, god.) or they don’t like you back then you just look/feel dumb. its like double rejection. cause a) they don’t like you back, and b) everyone knows and you’re, oddly, publicly rejected, even if it is only to your friends. and let’s be honest, it sucks when someone doesn’t like you back. and public rejection sucks. so, in this oh so loving culture we live in where saving face is important we then have to deal with the uncomfortableness of being publicly rejected AND the sadness of someone we like not liking us back. double whammy. so, yea clearly i have issues of being judged. but i don’t tell people when like someone. i mean this two way liking thing is hard enough. and some things just need to be done singularly, such as processing the ‘liking’ of someone and your hopes they like you back (says the girl who publicly processes life).

so here’s the trouble. social media has screwed this up. what i seem to find myself doing is ‘liking’ someone based on things that i found out about them on the interwebs. i explained this before but its like i’ve got this idea of an awesome guy in my head (you know those stupid little list things like loves riding his bike, wears chucks, likes music, geeky sensitive, loves coffee and ice cream- the superficial norms : ) and i find out via social media sites that he likes these things and i begin planning the wedding. ha. but, really, i have decided that i like him already. based on things that i can check off, not feelings or connection. so i’ve now committed to liking him based off of the one way gathering of information. 

i’ve addressed some of the many things wrong with that already. but here’s where it really disrupts the healthy dating game. so, i already know i ‘like’ you. and you’re perfect for me. we’re perfect for each other. and all i have to do is convince you of that. so when we are IRL (in real life) and we should be getting to know each other, in my mind i already know everything i need to, and my main focus is on trying to get you to like me. all my energy is spent hoping you like me back, focused on getting you to be into me. and then if you don’t- yep, rejection. even if it is not public. it sucks. and then i’m mad at myself for spiraling into social media obsessiveness and liking and it was all one way and basically false! 

so i guess, the next logical step to fix this is- duh, steph- have some  self control. don’t stalk him on the interwebs. but come on. the concept of self control was invented before the internet. and it’s just so easy to find yourself spiraling. because, well… its romantic. wouldn’t it be great if he fits all these box checker qualities AND we have a connection. it would be purely romatical. and perfect and lovey. 

so yea. my conscious effort to not tell people when i like someone allows me to process my liking, make sure it is something i want to pursue – not just a crush. and keep some dignity if it turns out he doesn’t like me. this dignity positively influencing my morale in the dating game. all encouraging me to try try again. but here i am, using social media as some intense form of self sabotage. 

 as a good friend of mine reminds me- sometimes i need to get a grip. the thing about self control is that, uh, it’s not easy. but nothing worth anything ever is. so from here on out. self control it is. i’m saying it out loud. hold me accountable, friends. 

he said, “it’s all in your head” and i said, “so is everything,” but he didn’t get it.