i guess i got a little scared someone could actually care, this time there just might be something there
even though, or perhaps maybe because, i am an interpersonal communication freak i am a bit obsessed with all things awkward, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. especially calling these things out. but oddly enough, i’m terrified of being in certain awkward situations. namely – dates. like my own. with a boy.
since i started rambling on about dating long ago, i have always said that i doubt the person i will end up with will start with traditional dating. and this is my ‘it took me years to finally articulate why’ reasoning. i am obsessed (in a bad-can’t get past it way) with how awkward dates are. what are we supposed to do, where are we supposed to go, all that one on one conversation, what if it’s boring, what if i have nothing to talk about, what if i talk too much, what if i’m not as cute as he remembered, what if i ask too many questions, is he going to kiss me, is he going to pay for dinner, is he going to expect something for paying for dinner, can i order dessert, etc., etc., etc….
yes. i like dessert that much. and if i can’t tell him on our first date then… well, why am i on a date with him?! i want to know the answers to all the above questions BEFORE i go on a date. yes. i know. i think too much. i need some weird form of control. but without this control i feel wayyyy too vulnerable. because just like when i tell my friends that i may be sweatin’ a boy- on a date i feel like my whole purpose of the date is to make him like me. and i forget to figure out if i like him. i even get all awkward and confused and spiraling just thinking about/writing about this. so in all my efforts to meet someone i, quite unbelievably, rule out anything that starts with dating. and then it hit me. my “thoughts” on dating and its all encompassing awkwardness came from my wee days as a college student. where everything is awkward. and no one knows what they are doing.
and i started thinking about an actual date. well what i can imagine is one. because i ALSO cannot remember the last time i went on a date with someone new… well, someone new that i was really excited to get to know.
my last date was most certainly with my ex. and that’s different because first and foremost we had been dating forever. he and i never went on a date prior to ‘boyfriend/girlfriendness.’ and most importantly the main reason for the date was not to get to know one another, or spend time with one another, it was to experience the food and restaurant. and it was stressful, and expensive, and made me fat and broke. (sorry b). so add that experience to my thoughts of going on dates. and where does that leave me. not wanting to do THAT again.
and then there is this little thing that i most certainly learned from my pistol of an independent first woman to get her driving and real estate license in michigan of a grandma. don’t let someone put you in a position where you owe them. and they have something on you. (hence my inability to accept help without a fight)
so in our paradigm shift of a dating world where the rules of traditional dating have not yet changed (dinner/drinks, boy should pay, probably hold hands) but we ‘want it all’ in regards to physical attention where does that leave us (me)? with the boy paying and then me owing him something.
again, i am not claiming that i’m not completely psychologically too independent for my own good, but i’m my grandmother’s granddaughter, as well as my entrepreneurial mother and only child father’s only child who knows how to change her tire (and has DONE it many times) has a graduate degree, that can pay for my own dinner and drinks thankyouverymuch.
so THESE are all the crazy things that come into my mind when i think about WHY i will most likely not get into a relationship via dating.
but who am i kidding. do i really know what i’m doing any other time i’m trying to date someone? um, no. i’m just like everyone else. trying to find a connection whilst being terrified of losing myself, being misunderstood, being expected to ‘owe’ something, being vulnerable and well… everything else.
so. i’m throwing it all out the window. because this weekend the idea of going out on a date, getting dressed up, having great conversation and connection, and being giggly for days after just sounded refreshing. and exciting. and who am i to know when and how i will get to know someone or start a relationship. and this way i know they are at least interested in getting to know me romantically. rather than building a deep intense friendship waking up in love one day not knowing at all how the other feels about me. what about THAT seems less awkward than someone paying for dinner or kissing me on my doorstep? geez steph. get a grip.
so there we have it. i will go on a date. i will enjoy it. i will wear a dress and if all goes well i will be giggly for days until the next.
(but i suppose i am overlooking the obvious… a gentleman caller to escort me on said date. ugh. remembering that apparently the type of boy i am attracted to and intrigued by is calm, quieter than i, and often shy… i probably won’t be getting any date invites that surpass the previous 4 paragraphs of awkwardness and jump into exciting territory. and now comes the ever appropriate uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)