social media and my one way relationships

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy whose reality, i knew, was a hopeless to be had

so. i’m finally out of my lonely funk. sometimes i guess there is such a thing as too much counting crows. and even before that funk i’d been thinking about something. shocker- another effect of what ’social media’ does to dating. well, my dating.

so when i like someone…. ha, the word like just seems so, uh, middle school. and i haven’t said it in a while. so, anyway when i ‘like’ someone, oddly enough, i usually keep it to myself. yes, i know, weird because i let everyone know what i’m thinking the second i think it in every other aspect of my life… but i usually keep it to myself. for a million reasons but mostly cause saying it out loud commits me to it. i mean our friends hold us to what we say. its like when someone wants to quit smoking they have to tell a friend because their friend will hold them to it. same with a crush, or liking. it is just basic accountability.

but what sucks about the accountability with liking someone is that then it become one way ‘liking’ and in your friends’ eyes everything you do socially becomes part of liking that person. and instantly all your effort goes into getting that person to like you back, rather than getting to know them more and growing your connection with them. its like when you say that you like someone the dating game becomes one way. you are trying to get them to like you back. cause you’ve already come to the conclusion that you like them, and now you need them to like you back. so if you’re the first to admit that you like someone there is this pressure to make it happen. and if you can’t make it happen (isn’t that what we all want- to make someone like us, god.) or they don’t like you back then you just look/feel dumb. its like double rejection. cause a) they don’t like you back, and b) everyone knows and you’re, oddly, publicly rejected, even if it is only to your friends. and let’s be honest, it sucks when someone doesn’t like you back. and public rejection sucks. so, in this oh so loving culture we live in where saving face is important we then have to deal with the uncomfortableness of being publicly rejected AND the sadness of someone we like not liking us back. double whammy. so, yea clearly i have issues of being judged. but i don’t tell people when like someone. i mean this two way liking thing is hard enough. and some things just need to be done singularly, such as processing the ‘liking’ of someone and your hopes they like you back (says the girl who publicly processes life).

so here’s the trouble. social media has screwed this up. what i seem to find myself doing is ‘liking’ someone based on things that i found out about them on the interwebs. i explained this before but its like i’ve got this idea of an awesome guy in my head (you know those stupid little list things like loves riding his bike, wears chucks, likes music, geeky sensitive, loves coffee and ice cream- the superficial norms : ) and i find out via socail media sites that he likes these things and i begin planning the wedding. ha. but, really, i have decided that i like him already. based on things that i can check off, not feelings or connection. so i’ve now committed to liking him based off of the one way gathering of information.

i’ve addressed some of the many things wrong with that already. but heres where it really disrupts the healthy dating game. so, i already know i ‘like’ you. and you’re perfect for me. we’re perfect for each other. and all i have to do is convince you of that. so when we are IRL (in real life) and we should be getting to know each other, in my mind i already know everything i need to, and my main focus is on trying to get you to like me. all my energy is spent hoping you like me back, focused on getting you to be into me. and then if you don’t- yep, rejection. even if it is not public. it sucks. and then i’m mad at myself for spiraling into social media obsessiveness and liking and it was all one way and basically false!

so i guess, the next logical step to fix this is- duh, steph- have some  self control. don’t stalk him on the interwebs. but come on. the concept of self control was invented before the internet. and it’s just so easy to find yourself spiraling. because, well… its romantic. wouldn’t it be great if he fits all these box checker qualities AND we have a connection. it would be purely romatical. and perfect and lovey.

so yea. my conscious effort to not tell people when i like someone allows me to process my liking, make sure it is something i want to pursue – not just a crush. and keep some dignity if it turns out he doesn’t like me. this dignity positively influencing my morale in the dating game. all encouraging me to try try again. but here i am, using social media as some intense form of self sabotage.

as a good friend of mine reminds me- sometimes i need to get a grip. the thing about self control is that, uh, it’s not easy. but nothing worth anything ever is. so from here on out. self control it is. i’m saying it out loud. hold me accountable, friends.

he said, “it’s all in your head” and i said, “so is everything,” but he didn’t get it.

i just want to have a good time, just like everybody else.

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell.

so i try to live my life conscious of what i’m doing. being wholly present, if you will, at each moment. and the last, well, year of my life i have been conscious of not getting into a dating situation with anyone. i had a great fun summer with some summer lovin’ and then it was time to get serious with life. i was working full time in corporate america and going to grad school full time (and then some) and there was no way i would let myself date someone, screw up school, and then beat myself up for it forever. so there i was, taking months off drinks, spending quite comfortable saturday nights with ice cream and a movie, waking up early sunday to actually get things done, and it was nice. i felt caught up on life. i wasn’t going to the bars hoping to meet or see a cute boy just to wake up with a hangover, and maybe a phone number that would never amount to anything. i was living solely for me. and it was, to say the least, exactly what i needed, for me. i learned to love myself, and focus my energy, and i began to honestly not care what other people thought of me (a huge struggle for me for my whole life, and probably still to come).

so. in this past year, dear god, i have become wholly me. i have learned to trust my instinct, i have truly understood my place in the world. i have left everything i have ever known or loved and moved thousands of miles away. i have been openly vulnerable for the last eight months and have incurred a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and accomplishments. and here i am. coming down from all of it. and, honestly, coming down from it is almost more overwhelming than living it. i now have a bedroom, i have more than that. i have space to myself, i have amazing friends who love, embrace and support me, i have a goal, a dream, a vision, a drive, and the ability to get there. and, for all of this, i am ever grateful to the universe.

but as this all comes together, there is something teeny itching my brain. i’d like to meet someone. someone to share this with. someone to laugh with. someone to, god, date. so, my predicament- the same as everyone- who? what? where? when? how? why?

and as i sit and begin to admit that my entirely too independent for my own good, communication freak, relationship loving, crazy analytical, new age, emotional self would like to meet someone i have NO idea where to even start. look at all these theories i have postulated. i believe them! so where does that leave me? let’s recap: a) i need to date someone that i have a connection with, a friend, but i usually don’t know that until i am deep into friendship; b) i am very expecting, i expect you to get me, or want to, and be open to learning and growing with me; c) i have issues with judgement, and if i feel as though you are judging me i say peace out; d) i am (apparently) (and unbeknown to me until recently) unbelievably honest, and this honesty is ummm apparently overwhelming for those unprepared for it; e) adding to the honesty: i write a relationship blog, an honest one, and as brought to my attention by many, the thought of being a subject or component of this blog is a little… nerve-wracking; f) i write a relationship blog!- 1) this supposed to make me an expert, and 2) no one wants to get into something with an expert if they themselves feel like they are going to be called out for not knowing something; g) after two and a half years has accumulated since my last ‘relationship’ … i’m scared. of everything. of losing myself. of losing everything i have realized over the last year. of everything i’ve made for myself. of everything yet to make for myself.

so there. i’m stuck. and i don’t want advice. in fact, if you know me well enough, please don’t try to tell me your thoughts on the about vulnerability inducing statements. i just, honestly, need to release this. say you hear me, say you understand. let there be no ‘buts’ or convincing statements why i shouldn’t care, or feel this way. i’m not sad, i don’t need sympathy, or advice, or help getting through this. i work independently (except for writing) on this one. i just need to release it. and work through this millionth and one catch 22 that i have realized about my life and love.

i want to have a good time, just like everybody, and i don’t want to fall apart…i just wanna have a good time just like everybody else and i don’t wanna fall apart this time so would you please invite me in….come on and take a spin, hey i got a brand new set of wings.

all things romance, romantical, and romantic

it’s a saturday afternoon romance between a cowboy and a fool…

i think i’ve been feeling (for lack of a better word) lonely lately. and because of that, all things romantical have been on my mind. and since i kept using the word ‘romantic,’ i realized that it seems to be this intangible thing- difficult to define. like umm love. everyone has a different definition. romance/romantic can be a noun, a verb, an adjective, a feeling and probably any other component of language we could think of. yet, everyone defines it differently.

so how is one supposed to be romantic, or experience romance if each of us defines it differently? there have been a few things in the last few weeks that made me croon with romantical feelings (read: become blue with envy, yes blue=sad) and they were all so different.
first, a friend of mine from high school got married. and he is younger than i, and all his friends were poking fun of him at the wedding for being the guy that had a new girl every week. one said, “and he’d call me and be like, ‘dude, i met this girl and she is so cool…’” another, “then he’d call me and be like, ‘no really i think this is the one, i really like her’” and the next “no it was more like, ‘i met this girl, she’s so awesome, i want to see her all the time.’” and they were all commenting on how its shocking that he is the first one to get married and they are so surprised (!!). and all i could think of (odd since i was one of those girls for a week) was how romantic it was that he believed in love and romance enough to keep trying to find the one. he was an active participant in making love in his life. or at least trying. he wasn’t calling and saying “dude, i met this girl she’s so hot.” every one of his friends unconsciously quoted him talking about how he liked her, as a person. <— romantic.

second, after reading my last post about my one sided love with said chicago boy a guy friend of mine was assuring me that i wasn’t crazy for doing what i was (crazy things). he said, quite simply, “there’s nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel quote-unquote romantic” and wow, was he right. the possibility of something so impossible actually happening is so inspiring and fantastical that it feels like romance. like, “look at the odds against us.” or, “listen to this serendipitous way we met! the stars were on our side…” fantasy-like = romantical.

third, a girlfriend of mine went on a date with the guy she’s been seeing. and to anyone else, the events of that night were probably very ‘normal-date’ like. but i was very hung up on the sole fact that they had a date night. time set aside for each other even though friends get along. wanting to spend alone time together on a typical ‘go out’ night = romance.

so i asked a few of these friends what romance actually meant to them. and the first response was pretty standard – “little things that he knows I like, or flowers, or surprises.” and i realized then that those standard definitions were not really what i was thinking of in my mind. but i couldn’t quite express what it was that i was thinking of.
and apparently after hearing my fumbling words, inappropriate for the ‘over drinks before a night out’ situation, they contemplated my seemingly out of place examples of romance (above) and seemed to get it a little more than i thought.
one said that romance is simply making an effort. and i agree. but, in my idealistic and *romantical* crazy brain, i hope that our awkward evolution of dating cannot be defined as effortless=acceptable and anything more= romantic. so i am going to piggyback onto her idea and make my personal adjustments to her simple, yet accurate assessment.
i think that romance is being positively present. and yes, here i go with my combination of new age and corporate HR terms, but it is as simple as that. i think that being conscious of what you are doing can honestly equal romance. instead of analytically fleshing this out, i’ll give you an antonymous analogy of what i mean. haven’t you ever, or heard of a friend who has become unhappy in a relationship because they are bored and feel like they are “going through the motions?.” come home from work, make dinner, watch tv, go to bed. oh yea, and the bf/gf is there too. those relationships where people are unhappy are those in which the people are just going through the motions. like getting out of a car and not being able to remember the drive. going through life, love, and relationships unconsciously, un-present.
being present is simply being conscious of yourself, and your actions. and doing them with positive intent. and this quite quickly spirals into romance in our brain. its easy. and can mean a million different things. but the best part- you’ll always be right about what is ‘romantic’ to your partner. because ‘right’ = effort… or presence.

so any easy fix to any and all dating(or lack there of) rut- become conscious of what you are doing. be present in dating. have the conversations. keep looking for the right one. surprise her with her favorite ice cream. buy him his favorite magazine. go to your favorite bar together. think about what you are doing. and smile. and do it with positive intent. and life will be romantic. and inspiring.