think about you all the time. it’s strange and hard to deal.
so, i’ve been meaning to write this for a few months actually. and now seems to be exactly the right time.
through having some conversations with a friend who had a particularly similar experience this summer to one that i have had, i have begun to wonder about myself. this, i suppose, is where i wish my background were psychology, not communication. but oh well- a post that has been brewing for, well we could say, way more than a few months.
i think i may fall into that large group of people that connects easier to people that are ‘unavailable’ to them. you know, like the girl that falls for the emotionally unavailable guy, or the one in love with someone that lives in another city, or the one with a girlfriend, or. oh shit. wow. any therapists out there. i AM this girl. shit.
so yea, talking with my friend about his experience (read: giving him my rational perspective on his situation) has allowed me to maybe(?) make some more complex analyzations about this stupid psychological rut that i have grown into.
apparently it is not just me that seems to open themselves up to connection with unavailable people. i mean there are tons of couples out there that have this ridiculously serendipitous ’how we met story’ (and we know i EAT THAT SHIT UP) (wow, i’m swearing a bit, sorry). so my friend told me that he thought that many people tend to connect with others while on vacation or that have a significant other or what not. and i felt relieved and curious all at once. why? i mean why do we set ourselves up for sabotage of this kind.
i think at its most basic level it’s romantical. there IS nothing like an impossible situation to make someone feel romantic. but what happens when we get all crazy- rationale clouded by connection- and believe that this impossible situation will actually become possible, and everything we ever wanted? heartbreak. that we brought upon ourselves. and man, heartbreak is anything but romantic.
my basic question i guess is why is it so hard for me to open myself up to possible connections with people who ARE available to me? i mean don’t i preach at length at how all ever want in life is earth shattering connection? so why do i only allow myself to make such connections with unavailable people. i suppose the only answer is that i’m scared. maybe of rejection. cause when an available person and connection with that person don’t work, i will inevitably blame myself. but at least with connection with unavailable others i can blame something else. like a significant other, or distance, or whatever. and i can get over it and move on.
but for a million reasons these connections seem to a) keep popping up in my life, and b) tend to be really really real. they tend to be so real and intense because neither involved has any other agenda than pure genuine openness because we know that we are not getting to know each other in hopes of dating. cause circumstances make that irrational, unreasonable, and unavailable. and we are OBviously a culture that does not value anything else.
its a catch 22 (shocker). i could open myself to connections with people ‘available’ and become extra vulnerable in the beginning of possible relationship (because i may be rejected). and may never find this connection which equals MAJOR rejection. or i can have an amazing connection with someone for a moment in time that will inevitably end (so i tell myself- all while actually letting myself be consumed by the romatical feelings that this might work, that love might prevail and the impossible become reality).
i have just put my foot in my mouth. seeing as i (ugh) apparently love and value vulnerability. no. i just like vulnerability when it is genuine AND used with the intent to connect. but what i hate about the vulnerability in the above catch 22 is that it is also one way. cause i have to open up nearly everyone not knowing if they will like me back, or open up back, or connect. and because some people just don’t like some people. i will say that certain people i open up to will NOT like me and connect. rejection on a mass scale.
so what is worse. having connection that ends because of something totally out of your control, or being closed off to a possible connection that may not end because it may never happen (rejection).
this is hard. i’m confused. still. usually i end unconfused, talking through my thoughts and theories and craziness and boom, i feel better and resolved. but this one is different.
what is worth more: vulnerability or connection? save face (not be vulnerable) and create an awesome intense connection that will end in heartbreak… or become vulnerable and alone in hopes of creating connection that will last but never knowing if it will lead to actual connection or just rejection.
is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? or is the heartbreak that comes with a connection ended just cruel punishment?
help. it’s possible that i cannot help myself on this one. because i am addicted to the unavailable connections (cause they are real, and genuine) but know and love the value of vulnerability.
dear chicago, you’ll never guess. you know the girl you said I’d meet someday? well, I’ve got something to confess. she picked me up on friday. asked me if she reminded me of you. i just laughed and lit a cigarette, said “that’s impossible to do. “