i feel like i don’t even know what game i’m playing.

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everything I touch turns to shit. everyone I try to love won’t hear of it, now my hands are overfull of things I’d like to give. does anybody want it? does anybody want me?

ok. so, i suppose i should address the issue of the ‘pathetic and miserable dating life’ tweets that have been filling the universe lately. while i’d like to write about how i am happy in my singlehood and not having a pity party for myself… um that may be a little false. i am officially frustrated. do NOT read this as desperate, please. i’m not. i know everything is going exactly how it is supposed to.

that being said, what GIVES. i would not ever consciously say that i am in a dating drought. cause a) i would LIKE to believe that i could be dating someone this very second if ’someone’ is who i would like to be dating. and b) i don’t really like the concept of dating just to date. so i’m not looking for just dating as sport.

BUT. if i WERE i feel like i COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT. sigh. there are some weird differences with chicago and SF in regards to dating. in chicago, i couldn’t go to a bar without being approached by a dude. 90% of the time said dude was absolutely not anything i wanted to deal with, but he was there. predictable as always. and when i went home without a number, or without giving one, i honestly believed it was my choice. and friends in chicago. well i had my close group of friends that understood, loved, supported, cared about and embraced me. and i met a million guys that never would get me. and that was life. and i was used to it and it was predictable and i could read it and plan for it.

but here. i feel like im playing a totally different ball game. like rugby. or something that looks like a game i know but has a different accent and different rules. in SF i have friends, a shocking amount, that GET me. like the real me. and love and support and understand and embrace all that is steph. but guys. well. um. i haven’t been approached by one. let me check my brain. nope not one. again. this is NOT pity party. this is rational observation time. that is all.

im confused. first and foremost, i haven’t even met anyone in SF that i would like to get to know better on a romantical level. i mean yes, i meet a new soul mate weekly. but someone that give me butterflies, and makes me excited to think about and get to know, and connect with, notaone (oh shit, there was one. but he doesn’t count cause he is paid to be nice and serve drinks, ha, i’m pathetic). secondly, in chicago, when i went up to guys at that bar and showed interest in them i was considered intimidating and brash and a lot to handle. and though lots of guys SAY they would like to be approached by a girl, i don’t think they mean a not on purpose loud big curly red haired girl whose laugh echos off the walls and is possibly too honest for her own good. they mean the cute blonde or brunette that is part of the gaggle of young ladies at the bar that stick together. not girls that do what they want. but here. i feel like this may be different? the one time i did openly approach a boy and show interest it went, well, it went. no connection there. but definite physical and entertainmentical interest. and that was what it was and was good for what it was.

so. SF. what are your rules? because, in chicago. the game was like this- i only felt semi interested in getting to know roughly 10% of the boys i’d ever meet. and if THAT average applied to my SF dating life i think i may not meet someone until 2016 (when i return to chicago for the olympics, that is). because there i met a new guy a night, so 10% meant that every few weeks i’d meet someone of interest. but here. well, please tell me that i do not have to play with the same odds. also, girls hitting on guys… DO i have to do all the work? if so i don’t mind. but honestly, that one boy that i already approached and gave my number to, he is the only one i’ve even wanted to do that with. i mean i don’t mind stepping up my game and doing the macking, but could you PLEASE send me some mack worthy mackees?!? people in this city are smart, open, exciting and interesting. why are none of them single, attractive men that like crazy curly hair red heads that I want to get to know BACK!?

i’ve been mapping it out
i don’t know what’s wrong with me
but I wish that it was something else
i’ve been mapping it out
maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself

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