so. i am 25. which may seem like nothing to many, seeing as many of the people in my life have seen and bid farewell to 25 years ago. but it is weird. twenty five and single. and hopelessly clinging to the idea of ‘the one.’ with no actual prospects, and no idea how to take my own advice about finding the one.
i was never one of those girls that planned out at what age she would get married, or have kids. in fact, whenever i tried to think of anything after college my mind was black. i have no idea in what city i will be married. what my home will look like. what he will look like. where we will raise our children. where we will honeymoon. what our ‘how we met story’ will sound like. or, really anything.
but in my desperation to believe that there will be someone that fits the unimaginable picture i have been noticing some sad (?) behavior on my part. i tend to obsess over these little things about boys that i meet and add these little things to the image in my head of my perfect mate. but these things are oddly normal. and i wonder- why do i place such ’should be expected’ things on a pedestal? why isn’t the image of my perfect mate comprised of huge values and characteristics?
for example. why do get overwhelmed with love and emotion when i see a man wearing a wedding ring. and my first though is “oh, thank god, he believes. he believes in commitment, and relationships, and love.” i mean, fifty percent of people are married. why is THAT my first thought. or meeting a guy who has gone to couples therapy. why is my first though “oh i love that he gets it, and wants to make it work.” or the guy carrying the bouquet of flowers on the train during rush hour. or the guy in a band belting out about the one that broke his heart. why to i long so deeply for these little silly things. things that one should expect from a partner. at least should believe she deserves.
maybe its because i have dated emotionally unexpressive people. leading me to live breathe and die for any small sign of affection. or maybe because i fall for the unavailable people in my life. or maybe because i am not used to admitting, to myself or anyone else, that i have emotional needs. maybe it is because i haven’t seriously dated anyone in geezus two and a half years. but whatever the reasoning, i can’t even imagine what it is like to date someone who gets it. who lets himself fall. i don’t even know if i remember what it’s like to be in a relationship. and i know that i haven’t really experienced what it is like to be with someone that wants people to know that we are together, and that could not imagine being with anyone other than me. a guy that expresses feelings. HAS feelings. embraces feelings. BELIEVES IN LOVE.
so here i am, at twenty five. feeling SO FAR BEHIND in the dating game. how am i supposed to imagine a life of marriage and babies and love and commitment when i can’t even imagine having a boyfriend. someone who wants to see me as much as i want to see him. and can and will tell me that.
twenty five. in a new city. with a million friends. and no dates. no mutual connections. and no idea how or where to even begin.