Entries from October 2008 ↓

we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable girls and boys. 

so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that. 

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly. 

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out. 

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed. 

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twenty five year old midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak. 

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

took a ride on the love wheel. scary, scary go-round and around. honey, honey I don’t want none of your money. i just want off before we hit the ground.

so there are some situations that i have inadvertently given my self props for processing, handling, and dealing with very well. situations where i like to believe i have gotten over things, or done things purposefully in a healthy manner cause i am educated and know what is good for me. like being best friends with my ex, traveling around the world and meeting cute boys and so on and so forth.

but maybe i give myself too much credit for some of these situations. the way i’ve handled them, or gotten over them, or processed, or acted cool through emotionally affecting times. 

today, i had a panic moment about something that i am not going to go into too much depth on. but i basically said to myself- oh shit. what if i haven’t processed this really old situation like i thought i had, and what if because i haven’t processed it its going to explode in my face any day now. 

i know this sounds silly, or maybe it doesn’t. but i usually like to think of myself as someone that does NOT just suppress and ignore feelings (can you believe it?). i try try try so hard to embrace fear, excitement, sadness, joy, love, worry, and hope so that i know i am being true to myself. but our brains are tricky little suckers and often our unconscious sneaks in and tells us things that we want to hear. we lie to ourselves. lying just makes things easier. cause reality, especially when it comes to looooovvvee and stuff, is not always hugs and smooches. sometimes its gut wrenching heartbreak, circumstantial unavailability, and really somewhat hellish. Continue reading →

why don’t i just give in, have a drink and shake some hands? 

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but i have a tendency to hold myself to this ‘philosophy’ when in a healthy world i’m probably not being fair to myself. 

so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world. 

it seems as though the longer when we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose). 

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we created this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. (anyway, i digress). i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and ‘it’ is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny’ (rather that platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is. 

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone (the one?) to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be chooser’ way. for example- this week i was at a big concert (baracknrollsf.com) and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. (apparently i “cut a few rugs”) so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me in knew i wasn’t attracted to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? (what?!) my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i could be fine with never seeing again. 

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me. 

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us (ex: you all probably thinking that i should have given that guy a shot). so as hard and irrational as it will be, next time a guy asks for my number (hahahahahahaha!) and i am not interested, i am not going to give it to him. i’m going to ignore the ‘can’t be choosers’ voiceS in my head and spare us both the awkward no call back later.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly attracted to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me say i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality. 

that is all.

you traded in your cross 
for a chance to dance with stars 
now nothing is sacred 

tell me how anybody thinks under this condition

so it’s been an interesting few weeks. and this weekend someone said something to me really struck me. and, probably against his hopes or wishes, i have really been thinking a lot about it. he lightheartedly verbalized, “i think maybe you’re just trying too hard.” and in my defense i blurted out, “well, actually, i don’t think i’m trying at all.”

and i’ve been thinking about this more and more. and realizing it’s true. what’s wrong with me? i am the biggest advocate that relationships take time and energy and effort. but here i am not evening TRYING to meet anyone. i am hoping that the universe will just bring him to me. whoever ‘he’ is.

and i think one of the main reasons for my lack of trying lately has to do with bigger situations in my life that need my attention. like my job hunt. a few months back i decided to get back into looking for a job while my site and writing are in the works. and with this lovely economy of ours… i am entering rough times. not many leads, all of my contacts exhausted, and panic slowly creeping in. i have a masters degree and years of experience, but unfortunately  ”people skills positions” are the first to go in a depression. who knew? so, blah, anyways. i realized that dating is just like job hunting.

you HAVE to put out tremendous amounts of energy long long long before landing the dream position/person. you have to “cast out lots of lines” to get optimal results. job boards, family contacts, friends’ networks, headhunters: bars, online dating services, friends of friends, new places.

and i realized that i just don’t have the energy for that right now. i’m struggling to maintain a semi not depressed attitude about my actual job hunt. so i guess what i’m saying is that i’m tired, and exhausted from the dating game right now. and i’m really just one hundred percent not interested in ’sowing my wild oats’ in the meantime.

and i have no idea where that leaves me. hopelessly single i suppose.

and now all i can see are the planets in a row
suggesting that it’s best i slow down

oh la we’ve got a lot to learn from each other.
we’ve got to stick together.

so there is something very telling about people. and their interest in you. definitely romantically, but also platonically. and this little something is one of those things that is so very apparent that i think sometimes we (me) purposely avoid seeing it in our relationships. 

i have a tendency, wait… had a tendency, to put in the majority of the effort in all my relationships. especially in the early stages of romantic ones (ok, and in friendships too). and i suppose part of this is because maybe i wanted ‘it’ more. the ‘relationship’ the ‘friendship’ the …connection. 

when i meet someone that i think i want to get to know better (whether or not i have decided i want it to be romantical yet or not… well especiallllllllly if i want it to maybe be romantical) i usually want to know everything about them. so i ask. about everything. and this is the get to know you period. the opening up. 

but there is this tell tell tell tale sign that i am on a different page from them in the aim for connection story that i seem to always and conveniently and unconsciously deny. when they don’t ask back. they don’t want to know everything about me. 

i mean we all like to talk about ourselves. hell, i write a blog about myself. it’s easier to talk about ourselves. we know the subject so well. it doesn’t even take concentration. and when someone else is leading he conversation by blatantly asking us about ourselves then hell… it’s even enjoyable. but there is this unassuming sneaky situation that i seem to get myself into all the time- asking all the questions, learning all the info, and never being probed. and i seem to settle for these types of relationships. well did. 

and usually i get the slap in the face i had been ignoring once i acquire everything about them i need to know to be sure that i ‘like’ them. what i am really engaged in is a one way relationship. one way knowledge sharing. one. way. interest. Continue reading →

the way you keep your distance is keeping my interest so I’ll keep it persistent

so we all know my weird obsession with communication theory, and using said theories to rationalize my emotions that spiral while riding the dating roller coaster. but it seems, as i’ve said before, that we are constantly entering muddy territory when it comes to the way we communicate in romantic relationships these days. and it’s been postulated that email and technology is creating a whole new range of miscommunications in the workplace. but what about technology in the romanticalplace?

for once i’m not going to talk about social media. i’m gonna go simple this time and ask… what is texting doing to our relationships?? i have had a few specific conversations lately with people who have intensely fallen for someone via text. um, myself included. and keep weighing the pros and cons of this little piece of mobile technological advancement and again, it seems that there is this weird catch 22 about texting in the beginning stages of dating… or even getting to know someone non romantically.

so, my cynical mood lately means i’ll start with a con. i mean, honestly, texting is an outright loop hole in accountability. it’s cheating. it’s easy. there are no voices involved. there are no pre phone call jitters. and texts can be flat out scripted. you can ask your friends if a text is “cute and clever” prior to sending. they can tell you that you sound desperate, or passive aggressive, or perfectly flirty, or appropriately vulnerable. and as i am writing this i realize. this is exactly WHY it seems that so many people i know ‘fall’ over text. because it IS scripted. you can make sure to ‘write’ exactly what you hope to be. rather than saying what comes out right then. text relationships are built on showing our ideal self. we try to be the most witty, the most nonchalant, the most cute, the most interesting, open, amazing person we can be. because we have time to plan. to scheme. to think about what we want to say, and how we want to say it. and so do they. so i suppose it makes sense that so many people i know have really felt connected to another romantically strictly via text conversations. Continue reading →

i wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. i can’t find my way in, i try again and again.

it’s interesting. the posts that i think are the most crazy scatter brained confused steph seem to get the most comments, the most input and i am shocked. 

so i’m going to write about the only main thought i have on my mind today: fear. i’ve been spiraling into confusion and low self esteem, and frustration with dating and playing the game. but when i strip all of that away. and think about it. i’m scared. 

as of right now. i honestly (gasp!) don’t want to meet anyone. because i am terrified. of losing myself. of being rejected. of letting someone in. but most of all, of being misunderstood. with starting a new life and all, i’ve met a ton of new and amazing friends. but as it is with anything new, i am constintanly having to define myself and my values and my beliefs and my thoughts and my emotions. and because i have been blessed by the universe, most of them get about 90% of what i have to say. but there is always that awkward moment of misunderstanding and that snippet in time leaves me raw and vulnerable and scared and alone. but we are always trying to explain what’s going on up there to other people. that’s what relationships, platonic or romantical, are. sharing that leads to connection. 

but there are those people in that come into our lives that we long to have understand us more than others. that we want to understand who we are. many of the times these are people we like or are interested in liking romantically. but what makes the presence of these people in our life so different than explaining ourselves to friends?…. attraction? Continue reading →