breakable girls and boys

we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable girls and boys.

so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that.

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly.

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out.

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed.

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twentysomething midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak.

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

begging and choosing and dating…?

why don’t i just give in, have a drink and shake some hands?

beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but i have a tendency to hold myself to this ‘philosophy’ when in a healthy world i’m probably not being fair to myself.
so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world.

it seems as though the longer when we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it the  closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose).

it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we created this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. (anyway, i digress). i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and ‘it’ is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny’ (rather that platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is.

SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone (the one?) to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be chooser’ way. for example- this week i was at a big concert (baracknrollsf.com) and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. (apparently i “cut a few rugs”) so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t attracted to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? (what?!) my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i could be fine with never seeing again.

now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me.

but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us (ex: you’re all probably thinking that i should have given that guy a shot). so as hard and irrational as it will be, next time a guy asks for my number (hahahahahahaha!) and i am not interested, i am not going to give it to him. i’m going to ignore the ‘can’t be choosers’ voiceS in my head and spare us both the awkward no call back later.

we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly attracted to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me say i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality.

that is all.

you traded in your cross 
for a chance to dance with stars 
now nothing is sacred

the dating game is like a job hunt- exhausting.

tell me how anybody thinks under this condition

so it’s been an interesting few weeks. and this weekend someone said something to me really struck me. and, probably against his hopes or wishes, i have really been thinking a lot about it. he lightheartedly verbalized, “i think maybe you’re just trying too hard.” and in my defense i blurted out, “well, actually, i don’t think i’m trying at all.”

and i’ve been thinking about this more and more. and realizing it’s true. what’s wrong with me? i am the biggest advocate that relationships take time and energy and effort. but here i am not evening TRYING to meet anyone. i am hoping that the universe will just bring him to me. whoever ‘he’ is.

and i think one of the main reasons for my lack of trying lately has to do with bigger situations in my life that need my attention. like my job hunt. a few months back i decided to get back into looking for a job while my site and writing are in the works. and with this lovely economy of ours… i am entering rough times. not many leads, all of my contacts exhausted, and panic slowly creeping in. i have a masters degree and years of experience, but unfortunately  ”people skills positions” are the first to go in a depression. who knew? so, blah, anyways. i realized that dating is just like job hunting.

you HAVE to put out tremendous amounts of energy long long long before landing the dream position/person. you have to “cast out lots of lines” to get optimal results. job boards, family contacts, friends’ networks, headhunters: bars, online dating services, friends of friends, new places.

and i realized that i just don’t have the energy for that right now. i’m struggling to maintain a semi not depressed attitude about my actual job hunt. so i guess what i’m saying is that i’m tired, and exhausted from the dating game right now. and i’m really just one hundred percent not interested in ’sowing my wild oats’ in the meantime.
and i have no idea where that leaves me. hopelessly single i suppose.

and now all i can see are the planets in a row
suggesting that it’s best i slow down

relational schema induced one way relationships

oh la we’ve got a lot to learn from each other.
we’ve got to stick together.

so there is something very telling about people. and their interest in you. definitely romantically, but also platonically. and this little something is one of those things that is so very apparent that i think sometimes we (me) purposely avoid seeing it in our relationships.

i have a tendency, wait… had a tendency, to put in the majority of the effort in all my relationships. especially in the early stages of romantic ones (ok, and in friendships too). and i suppose part of this is because maybe i wanted ‘it’ more. the ‘relationship’ the ‘friendship’ the …connection.

when i meet someone that i think i want to get to know better (whether or not i have decided i want it to be romantical yet or not… well especiallllllllly if i want it to maybe be romantical) i usually want to know everything about them. so i ask. about everything. and this is the get to know you period. the opening up.

but there is this tell tell tell tale sign that i am on a different page from them in the aim for connection story that i seem to always and conveniently and unconsciously deny. when they don’t ask back. they don’t want to know everything about me.
i mean we all like to talk about ourselves. hell, i write a blog about myself. it’s easier to talk about ourselves. we know the subject so well. it doesn’t even take concentration. and when someone else is leading he conversation by blatantly asking us about ourselves then hell… it’s even enjoyable. but there is this unassuming sneaky situation that i seem to get myself into all the time- asking all the questions, learning all the info, and never being probed. and i seem to settle for these types of relationships. well did.

and usually i get the slap in the face i had been ignoring once i acquire everything about them i need to know to be sure that i ‘like’ them. what i am really engaged in is a one way relationship. one way knowledge sharing. one. way. interest.
i don’t know WHY i do this. but like i said, i do it with all types of relationships. i feel as though what i have to say is not valuable. and forget that someone may actually want to know about me. and go on creating these relationships where the other person feels great and loved and paid attention to and acknowledged and validated. and then there is me. and usually i don’t even get to the “and then there is me” point. i just go on unconsciously getting none of my relational needs met. continuously entering these types of relationships cause they are all i know. thereby feeding the self fulfilling prophecy of a relational schema.
so, i think for the most part, at 25 i can finally see this pattern starting at the beginning of a friendship and can cut it out (hand motions included). and have even slowly weened past friends like this out of my life. and i am so lucky to have a group of friends that ask me questions about my life, and care about what i have to say and how i feel and yea.

but, the romatical side of this little relational habit is more difficult to break. but there are just sometimes where i step back, gain some perspective, and say… wait. a. minute. and unfortunately at this point the only one with anything ‘lost’ is me. my time. my energy. my efforts to get to know the other. they haven’t put anything in. and therefore have nothing lost. actually they probably unconsciously gained from me praising them with interrogating attention.

so it sucks when i realize that, yet again, i am putting in all the effort in the preromantical relationship. because, ultimately, all it means is that they are not interested in getting to know me the way that i am them. because. when you are interested in someone, you want. to. know. them. everything about them.

and it’s funny. i have this vision of my perfect partner. and one of the main things about him is that he gets me, or wants to, and doesn’t misunderstand me. or my thoughts, or my needs (if i admit i have them, which, to my perfect partner i will, because he will care). but for some reason this image of the PP doesn’t make it into my everyday reality. we think out of context and act in context i suppose. but it’s weird how instinctually i internalize this as the image of a relationship. someone that calls me to talk about them. someone that waits for me to text them. someone that continuously lets me ask them to hang out. someone that will probably not ‘get me.’

and it’s also sad that when this isn’t the case, my whole mind body and soul get so excited they don’t know what to do. but talk. and keep talking. and it is at those times where i am speaking so passionately and am an consumed with someone wanting to know about me that first i stop- and ask “oh my god, do you even care?!” and then i apologize for speaking so passionatley about my life and goals and loves, and then internally mull over the interaction later and ask myself why i am so surprised when someone DOES ask about me.

this exact situation happened to me a little while back. someone asked me about my writing, and explained that he really got it. and was asking me all these questions about my goals and dreams and i found myself 3 beers in SO enthusiastically BLABBING about my life that i stopped myself midsentence and blurted out “oh my god! do you even care!?” (i was SO used to someone not asking that out of shear excitement i couldn’t stop myself from speaking) and his response was so perfect. so stop-me-in-my-tracks-and-get-it inducing that sometimes i repeat these words to myself to regain confidence and trust in the universe that there are people out there that want to know, and ‘get it.’ he said, quite simply, “no, you’re right. i don’t care. can you please tell me about something you’re NOT passionate about. tell me about something you are really indifferent about.”

so. in my intense longing for connection i tend to idealize really normal things, believe that one way relationships where i put in all the effort are the usual, and deem my desire to have someone know me unimportant.

i’m sick of asking all the questions. of putting in all the work. and i have no one but myself to blame (well, my psyche). by (unconsciously) creating this relational habit i have in turn attracted only these relationships into my life. and if these are all i’m getting IRL (in real life) i might as well sit in my bed and stalk cute boys on facebook all day. cause, essentially, i can learn everything about them from the internets that i would by asking questions, and create a one way relationship in which they know nothing about me and i am left dreaming of a day where they would want to know me.

so what is worse. actually having relationships, one way as they may be. or, waiting, longing and hoping for a boy who wants to know what’s going on in the crazy mind of steph. sigh.

i wouldn’t say the word now but this is not what I meant, for a woman that’s fallen over head and ears and still so warm, but i’m lonely too, suddenly she is still and says, “i hope that things will be better here.”

textual romance.

the way you keep your distance is keeping my interest so i’ll keep it persistent

so we all know my weird obsession with communication theory, and using said theories to rationalize my emotions that spiral while riding the dating roller coaster. but it seems, as i’ve said before, that we are constantly entering muddy territory when it comes to the way we communicate in romantic relationships these days. and it’s been postulated that email and technology is creating a whole new range of miscommunications in the workplace. but what about technology in the romanticalplace?
for once i’m not going to talk about social media. i’m gonna go simple this time and ask… what is texting doing to our relationships?? i have had a few specific conversations lately with people who have intensely fallen for someone via text. um, myself included. and keep weighing the pros and cons of this little piece of mobile technological advancement and again, it seems that there is this weird catch 22 about texting in the beginning stages of dating… or even getting to know someone non romantically.

so, my cynical mood lately means i’ll start with a con. i mean, honestly, texting is an outright loop hole in accountability. it’s cheating. it’s easy. there are no voices involved. there are no pre phone call jitters. and texts can be flat out scripted. you can ask your friends if a text is “cute and clever” prior to sending. they can tell you that you sound desperate, or passive aggressive, or perfectly flirty, or appropriately vulnerable. and as i am writing this i realize. this is exactly WHY it seems that so many people i know ‘fall’ over text. because it IS scripted. you can make sure to ‘write’ exactly what you hope to be. rather than saying what comes out right then. text relationships are built on showing our ideal self. we try to be the most witty, the most nonchalant, the most cute, the most interesting, open, amazing person we can be. because we have time to plan. to scheme. to think about what we want to say, and how we want to say it. and so do they. so i suppose it makes sense that so many people i know have really felt connected to another romantically strictly via text conversations.

and i mean. i guess this isn’t bad. some people are shy. and texting allows these people to maybe say things they normally wouldn’t to someone’s face or through the phone lines/waves. because they can plan what they want to say they actually say it rather than letting shyness overcome them. it allows people to overcome time zones and scheduling conflicts. and it allows little bits of unexpected communication to come through. but does it allow people to be cowardly when a phone conversation is in fact appropriate? and now a days, with picture texts we don’t even need to verbalize what we are doing to someone, we just need to send a photo. a picture says a thousand words right?

but don’t words, spoken words, still serve a purpose when getting to know someone. isn’t the point of having a vulnerable conversation ‘verbally’ because you are connecting over the mere fact that you are opening up and putting yourself out there as well as the subject you are actually talking about?

so i’m torn on how i feel about texting and dating. in some cases it allows you to get to know someone in a less vulnerable way, encouraging you to open up more with out such consequences. get to know someone that is possible unavailable to see physically, or talk to on the phone. get to know someone when you may have been too shy to otherwise.

but it also allows you to create this fantastical relationship with the person on the other end of texting. because you can script what you want to say. you can wait before replying. you can ask other’s opinions. and to me… this seems dangerously unfortunate. because it’s obvious why texting has become a tried and true method of getting to know someone. there is less rejection. there is less vulnerability. there is more romance. there is more ability to be the person we hope to be (not just reacting to our environment).

and the rules of texting are really unclear. you can say you mistexted something if you feel embarrassed that you said it. you can claim to have never received a text if you want to avoid the subject. you can reply when ever you want, minutes or hours later. or never. and never touch the subject of the unanswered text, because god knows the person looking for an answer is not going to bring it up out of shear embarrassment of no response. smiley faces and exclamation points carry immense amount of weight, and less can be more or a very bad sign.
and i will most certainly not even begin to speak about drunk texting.
so my attempt to analyze the pros and cons of texting in dating has, yet again, turned into a clusterfuck of positive and negative uses of communication technology creating the ever eloquent and romantic catch 22 of information sharing enroute to connection. sigh.

though i may not know the right things to say
i’ll get it out to you one day
i’m shy that way

i can be optimistic and sad at the same time.

i wanna know what it’s like on the inside of love. i can’t find my way in, i try again and again.

it’s interesting. the posts that i think are the most crazy scatter brained confused steph seem to get the most comments, the most input and i am shocked.

so i’m going to write about the only main thought i have on my mind today: fear. i’ve been spiraling into confusion and low self esteem, and frustration with dating and playing the game. but when i strip all of that away. and think about it. i’m scared.
as of right now. i honestly (gasp!) don’t want to meet anyone. because i am terrified. of losing myself. of being rejected. of letting someone in. but most of all, of being misunderstood. with starting a new life and all, i’ve met a ton of new and amazing friends. but as it is with anything new, i am constintanly having to define myself and my values and my beliefs and my thoughts and my emotions. and because i have been blessed by the universe, most of them get about 90% of what i have to say. but there is always that awkward moment of misunderstanding and that snippet in time leaves me raw and vulnerable and scared and alone. but we are always trying to explain what’s going on up there to other people. that’s what relationships, platonic or romantical, are. sharing that leads to connection.

but there are those people in that come into our lives that we long to have understand us more than others. that we want to understand who we are. many of the times these are people we like or are interested in liking romantically. but what makes the presence of these people in our life so different than explaining ourselves to friends?…. attraction?

why is it that the romantic feelings make rejection and misunderstanding so much more terrible. and terrifying. it took me well into my adult life to accept that some people are just not going to like me, ever, no matter what i say or do. and that was a hard lesson. but that lesson applied to romantic interests is torturous.

i’m the biggest believer in the universe and that things are going to be how they are meant to be. and that ultimately, we as dating humans cannot help who we like. so what is my problem? why am i, personally, so scared to like someone? well, rephrase- why am i so afraid of the rejection that comes with liking someone romantically that does not feel the same way? this is a huge case of cognitive dissonance. i believe one way, and act another. i act out of fear- i do not let my self ‘fall for’ or open up to potential romantic interests because i am afraid of being rejected. but i know, honestly, that it is not me personally that they are rejecting.

i guess that doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t still hurt. whether or not it was purposeful. actually, that is another lesson i am working on in my adult life. allowing myself to feel something like sadness or pain even if i understand completely why the person that sparked those feelings did what they did. so in my crazy brain i know and understand that we can’t help who we like romantically, and therefore do not allow myself to be sad about the fact that someone may not like me back. but it just sucks. ok? this is not a pity party.

opening up is hard and scary. and it sucks to find someone that you want to tell everything. that you want to want to know you. and they do not feel the same way. it hurts. it’s saddening. it makes you question your worth. your direction.
so that’s that. i know it will come to me. and i know the person that comes with that love will want to know everything about me. and will understand, or try, or accept everything that i am. and will be as excited to see me as i am them. and think that i am as smart and funny and cute and enjoyable to be around as well.

but that doesn’t mean that i am not allowed to feel sad, or frustrated, or scared in the mean time… okay?

i know the last page so well 
i can’t read the first 
so i just don’t start 
it’s getting worse