ah! potential emotional sneak attack!

took a ride on the love wheel. scary, scary go-round and around. honey, honey I don’t want none of your money. i just want off before we hit the ground.

so there are some situations that i have inadvertently given my self props for processing, handling, and dealing with very well. situations where i like to believe i have gotten over things, or done things purposefully in a healthy manner cause i am educated and know what is good for me. like being best friends with my ex, traveling around the world and meeting cute boys and so on and so forth.

but maybe i give myself too much credit for some of these situations. the way i’ve handled them, or gotten over them, or processed, or acted cool through emotionally affecting times. 

today, i had a panic moment about something that i am not going to go into too much depth on. but i basically said to myself- oh shit. what if i haven’t processed this really old situation like i thought i had, and what if because i haven’t processed it its going to explode in my face any day now. 

i know this sounds silly, or maybe it doesn’t. but i usually like to think of myself as someone that does NOT just suppress and ignore feelings (can you believe it?). i try try try so hard to embrace fear, excitement, sadness, joy, love, worry, and hope so that i know i am being true to myself. but our brains are tricky little suckers and often our unconscious sneaks in and tells us things that we want to hear. we lie to ourselves. lying just makes things easier. cause reality, especially when it comes to looooovvvee and stuff, is not always hugs and smooches. sometimes its gut wrenching heartbreak, circumstantial unavailability, and really somewhat hellish.

another fear regarding my possibly unprocessed emotions is that they will once again become all consuming and explode at any moment into out of control crazy girl BLAH when i least expect it. and if you haven’t gotten it yet, i do NOT like to feel like i have no control. i like to process my shit in my own space, with my friends that get me, and figure that shit out so i can come off as cool calm and collected as i always do in public (um, yea.)

so i guess, in all this panic induced rambling, what i am trying to say is… what if i haven’t gotten over something like i think i have? what if when i least expect it, and when it is LEAST socially appropriate i find out that i, infact, have just suppressed the feeling that consumed me for so long and i am not yet over it. 

maybe i need to trust myself, my ability to process my experiences, and my being exactly where i need to be right now suppressed emotions and all. but, the thought of my repressed emotions exploding into feelings and shit that will inevitably lead to self induced heartbreak, probably worse than the first time freaks the hell out of me.

i want to be over this. i mean. it’s been forever. and i have honestly believed for so long that i officially was. cause you know, sometimes you wake up and you just feel right again. like you’re done with something that no longer serves a positive purpose in your life. and i’ve felt that. but this cocktail of fear, excitement, anxiety, giddiness, joy, and insecurity that is running through my blood right now worries me. that same kind of worry when you fall in love and know that it is probably the worst idea you have ever had, but you’re already in too deep to do anything other than embrace it and hold on tight. 

[expletive]. 

every waking hour. we break down in different combinations. we spin around in smaller constellations.