Entries from November 2008 ↓

trying to be a good girl, and give em what they want

so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently. 

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory. 

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience. 

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

do try it once and then you know. it’s your move. settle for less again. again.

i was thinking about the concept of crushing. you know, having a crush on someone. and, though i understand some of the psychological benefits of getting a crush on someone, i realllllly can’t get past some of the icky effects of having said crush.

so, we have all these chemicals in our brian that make us blissfully sheltered from the harsh realities of life. they allow us to ‘be happy’ and see things positively. actually, they say that, simply put, clinically depressed people see the world with more of an accurate lens. these chemicals don’t allow them to float through life thinking that there are good things where others do. now, those of us that are not depressed, or are taking supplemental chemicals for it, see things as generally good. people as generally good. life as generally good. 

so, back to a crush. why is it that crushes seem to ALLOW us to blatantly ignore anything real that is not one hundred percent positive. it seems that when we crush, our crushee can do no wrong. we get dressed with the anticipation of the first time our eyes meet that night. we arrange our schedules to allow for the maximum amount of possible hang out time. maybe we see them and get butterflies. we talk to them about all the things we have in common. and sooner or later this crush becomes the next persn we want to date. and efforts move forward in that direction.

but. these feel good chemicals that incite all the previously mentioned behaviors sometimes do us a total disservice. they allow us to spiral into wanting to date someone, without ACTUALLY knowing the whole story about them. we only know the good things. s/he is cute. funny. charming. intelligent. and that is all we need to know to swoon. 

so, there was this boy. and he was cute, and we had so much in common. we knew some of the same groups of people. we had similar interests. interesting conversations. and i had a full blown crush. now this crush, thank goodness, didn’t last because of one awkward dating situation or another and i was able to get a more accurate view of who this guy was. and from that awkward moment on, everything he did and said kind of annoyed me. so i immediately started beating myself up for ever crushing on such a stupid boy. and become mad about the crush induced things i did. thinking, ‘why couldn’t i have seen all these things before so i didn’t waste my time on that boy.’  (so i don’t feel the need to berate myself for NOT seeing those things.) Continue reading →

try, try, try just a little bit harder. so I can love, love, love him, i tell myself.

this post is very much inspired by a craigslist missed connection that i read last week (oh yea, and the events of my and friends’ dating lives lately.)

basically the CL missed connection was to all the hipster boys of the mission neighborhood in san francisco, from a hipster girl. 

word for word she says “Dearest hipster boys, 
We get it. You were a loser in high school. And now (*sigh*), gangliness, improper hygiene, and the-I-got-dressed-in-the-dark-look is hot (dare I even say sexy?) and you have absolutely no idea what to do. Yes, women exist, and you must (no matter how cool your guitar is), interact with them at some point. 

The good news is we forgive you, but please (we’re begging), take note: saying hello to a girl in a bar is one thing, staring at her blankly all night and looking down at any eye contact while huddled with your friends (bros?) talking fixed gears and shades of fluorescence is an entirely different one. Repeat slowly: hell-o. We don’t bite and almost definitely want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to us. And oh yea, shave your goddamn beards (cough* defense mechanism *cough). (thank god Faralito is better than sex.) 
Much love, Hipster Girls”

so first things first. i do not endorse the beard comment. if you know me at all you know that i love me some burly facial hair. BUT this girl has the most amazing point. on which i would really like to elaborate. Continue reading →

heart and show stopper, break it off proper

so i have been meaning to write this post for a while. but i’m glad i didn’t. i like to mull things over (read: analyze them to death) until i’m certain of my thoughts. and i think i’ve sufficiently figured this one out. 

a while back my boys were both going through a ‘when it rains it pours’ phase. and i was not (ha.) and saying that phrase repeatedly to me was their way of sympathizing (uh?). like, ‘oh steph it’s the way the universe works.’ like that’s all there is to it. and i began analyzing this concept. and after having a kind of when it rains it pours day earlier this week it now seems so obvious to me why this happens. i feel like a dummy (who says that?) for not seeing straight through it before now. 

i have decided that the phrase ‘when it rains, it pours’ is the noun form of the verb ‘playing it cool.’ 

playing it cool works. it does for a million reasons. the most simple explanation is to apply the scarcity cognitive heuristic to dating and instantly understand why playing it cool works. we place more value on something we may not even be sure we want because of the possibility that we may not be able to have it when we want it. to play it cool is essentially to make yourself less available, thereby making yourself more valuable. (pure academic geek right there).

so. when you are playing it cool you become more valuable to cute boys or girls. and new cute boys and girls see this and want some of your valuable goods (haha i love my mood today). and if you are then interested in said additional cute boy or girl you begin to pursue them as well. and then, your time (availability) is divided even more. INCREASING its value! and therefore desirability! and boom! the cycle continues! creating the ‘when it rains, it pours’ effect. 

the next thing you know you are veritable cute boy/girl dating magnet.

ha. i do believe i have learned my lesson. my crazy brain just needs to put my ridiculous dating life into academic terms and the world makes sense again. woot. 

maneuver well, i tell girls that can’t tell
that say since i don’t look like maxwell
they think i can’t mack well

imagine you’re a girl just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they’d prefer you were dirty and smiling

pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon. 

this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better. 

and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it. 

have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating. 

and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it. Continue reading →

and it’s only doubts that we’re counting on fingers broken long ago. i read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous 

so after some time to myself, denial, and pure suppression of feelings i am back and ready to write. it’s funny that when i feel the most sad, vulnerable, confused and emotional i put it all out there and then retreat. so, sorry for the break. i just needed minute to regroup. and contemplate my heartbreak. 

and that contemplating led to a very interesting, saddening and pitypartyful conversation with one of my closest friends. another heartbroken soul who is navigating his way through the murky waters of managing expectations of our future partners. so, we were discussing what it is like to have found that person that embodies all of our hopes and dreams in the perfect partner. and how a) our inability to be with that person for what ever reason is heartbreaking beyond complete repair, and b) how we know we’ll move on to different things but none will ever be what we can no longer have. 

and after my last post, someone that i know only through his reading and commenting of this blog asked me a question. he said, “Curious question about your dating luck: are you looking for short/casual or long/serious or either? ” and what was interesting is that i stopped to think about it and realized that i didn’t even have to think about it. Continue reading →