heartbroken and still picky, and that’s just ok.

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and it’s only doubts that we’re counting on fingers broken long ago. i read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous

so after some time to myself, denial, and pure suppression of feelings i am back and ready to write. it’s funny that when i feel the most sad, vulnerable, confused and emotional i put it all out there and then retreat. so, sorry for the break. i just needed minute to regroup. and contemplate my heartbreak.

and that contemplating led to a very interesting, saddening and pitypartyful conversation with one of my closest friends. another heartbroken soul who is navigating his way through the murky waters of managing expectations of our future partners. so, we were discussing what it is like to have found that person that embodies all of our hopes and dreams in the perfect partner. and how a) our inability to be with that person for what ever reason is heartbreaking beyond complete repair, and b) how we know we’ll move on to different things but none will ever be what we can no longer have.

and after my last post, someone that i know only through his reading and commenting of this blog asked me a question. he said, “Curious question about your dating luck: are you looking for short/casual or long/serious or either? ” and what was interesting is that i stopped to think about it and realized that i didn’t even have to think about it. my response was simple, “either, or both. i would like to meet someone interesting and smart that i am also attracted to. it seems like i can’t find both in the same person lately.”  then i told him how i liked that he called it luck (as in- it’s not just me being wrong at life) and asked why he asked me the question in the first place. his response, “I ask because 1) I’ve had the same “luck” as you for 1+ year and 2) I’m looking for either, but super picky, even when asked out.” of course i responded, “well duh, i’m picky too, i’m not going to stop being picky just because it’s been a while since my last relationship.”

and suddenly the conversation with my friend came to my mind. while wallowing in our broken heartedness he said, “the thing is steph, we both know what is out there for us in terms of love, we feel we have had it or a taste of it, and what breaks my heart even more is that i know neither of us will settle for anything less. and that makes me worry that we will end up alone.”
so i guess this is the best way to explain where i am in my dating life. when most people get ‘desperate’ they change or lower their standards. they try different methods of dating or different types of people, they give in. whereas i become more steadfast and determined. alas, if i’ve waited this long there is no way i’m going to settle for someone that doesn’t do it for me like i know it can be done (ha). i mean i like who i am. i think i’m pretty great. and i also think that the person i am going to date casually or seriously needs to be pretty great. because there is nothing in it for me to talk to a physically attractive guy that doesn’t mentally stimulate me. i’m just past that. that’s what you do in your first year of being single. you explore all the possibilities. by year 2.5 you end up at the same place you were before. waiting for the one that has exactly what you know you need. the one that could break your heart if he/she didn’t work.

cause really, there is nothing more exciting than knowing at the beginning of dating that this could be something so good that it could kill you. heartbreak is just that. heartbreaking. but it is invigorating and rejuvenating, and ultimately the perfect reminder to keep looking. that those people that embody all your hopes and dreams in a partner do actually exist. and holding out is totally worth it.

and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind: 
get loved, make more, try to stay alive.

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