imagine you’re a girl just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they’d prefer you were dirty and smiling
pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon.
this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better.
and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it.
have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating.
and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it.
i have been writing a blog since my ‘thebestofnothing’ live journal days in the year 2000. but no one cared. no one followed. then my myspace blog provided me an outlet to analyze. but my best friends said, “why would we read your blog? we are your best friends, we know everything about you.” and then i move to SF where in week one i was asked if i had a blog, was considered a bona fide writer. everyone out here got me. and this blog. and thinks i give good perspective. and expresses their similarities and support. and it is amazing. but it’s overwhelming. i know i created this amazing life and blog and so happy and thankful. but i’m trying to figure out my dating life in the basic way, and now here i am this girl that writes a dating blog where dating me means immense social implications. and it’s fine and great. but i just don’t know how to do it.
it’s a new thing for me to be in a conversation with a friend about a boy i met and for her to ask “so what are you looking for… oh wait i read your blog i know- casual or serious.” and i love it, it’s amazing to be in a place where people enjoy my writing and my crazy analytical steph self. but no one can deny that it is probably a bit much to handle if you are a new guy that i meet. and yes i know that the one for me won’t care, and will get me and yes yes yes. but getting to know someone through dating is two ways and better off slow and this blog excellerates that process to the tenth degree. and i am worried that i am forever inhibiting my ability to take it slow with a boy i like. to tell him my history, to talk exes and schemas and fears and hopes and dreams and. sigh.
i’m just trying to find the balance of mutual information sharing and living my dream of being understood by people. today i feel like i am on the high end of a teeter-totter where i have no option but to dangle my legs and wait for the boy on the ground to decide if he wants to push back up to level it out.
8 comments ↓
At the risk of over communicating/commenting…I think its like when you see a great friend that you haven’t seen in awhile: even though you “know” each other so well that you could speak without full sentences, and you do, the talking/sharing/dreaming never gets old. Its like one long conversation with the unfortunate interruption of time and space and such. So, when you do meet him, even though he’s read your words here, I think you’ll have a lot to talk about. Whether he’ll be comfortable with a part of the spectacle of it all…that’s something we are all inevitably getting used to in our own slow and semi-comfortable ways.
Jeebus! Why not just take baby steps, see if you’re into each other, and if they get freaked out by your blog, then it probally wouldn’t be a great fit anyways. You have a lot to share, and if someone can’t hang, it’s OK. But don’t YOU get hung up on it! Silly Rabbit!
I think, that by writing all of this stuff down, that when reality DOES occur, your just hapless and become a bystander. I mean, Im a single guy, probably a LITTLE older than you, I think your cute, smart attractive…But would I -trust- you? I know some of your friends and how powerful the effect of these people are. I think ut would have to be one of those “im hammered” nights, because, lets face it, you have unbelievably HIGH expectations. I agree with the previous gentleman who posted. Baby. Steps. Women who say they want a relationship never, ever, truly do. And having a masters means nothing in this world of California.
But, what the fuck do I know? Im 33, had a failed engagement behind me and am totally open and single…
steph! omg i love commenting on your blog. I refuse to settle down in a relationship right now so i’m juggling a few situations as you know ….and one of them is the perfectly un-internet man. He uses his computer for email and youtube videos. my guess is he uses it for porn too. But otherwise, he doesn’t really even use the google, and hasn’t been active online. ever. believe me, i’ve looked. and i’ve asked him. he doesn’t use google maps, he just uses the gps in his car. He doesn’t use IM, he would “rather make a phone call.” If he ever saw this comment on your blog - or even read my blog (gasp!) i’d be totally friggin shocked. and i gotta say - it’s awesome. he’s never heard of twitter let alone seen my tweets. he says things that i find ridiculous (but also endearing) like… “i don’t want the internet to rule my life” or “i’m not as advanced as you, i don’t use the internet” meanwhile, he designs semiconductors, works in silicon. so he makes products that make my computer and the internet work, but doesn’t use it. anyway, it’s sorta weird, he could care less about my “internet life” and so far hasn’t used the internet to stalk me. So, i get to live my “internet life” - or in his terms “let the internet rule me.” and he never sees any of it. it’s super refreshing. the drawback: he likes to take me out in the marina despite my many protests. ewwwwww. at least i know i won’t see my internet friends there…! or…will…i….
michael,
what you say is interesting, and a little bit confusing. where does trusting me and who are or who aren’t my friends have to do with meeting new boys and being worried that they won’t want to date me because i write a relationship blog?
and are you saying that a guy would have to be hammered to date me because of my high expectations? interesting…
and, your failed engagement must have lead to you to believe that women that say they want a relationship don’t. i’m genuinely sorry for that. but truthfully, most people that say they do want a relationship actually DO. this is not personal but just because someone wants a relationship does not mean that a)they don’t have standards or thoughts on who that is with, b) they may not settle, c) they won’t change their mind about their desire for a relationship.
and clearly mentioning my MA was an attempt at self validation in a time of questioning self worth. not meant to get you all in a tizzy regarding the educational status of california citizens.
and i DO agree with mr. dnacowboy and dave, a guy that is going to date me will have to learn to deal with the fact that i write a relationship blog. and have high expectations.
and this comments like this that make me uber thankful that i have those expectations.
thanks for the feedback… definitely gave some different perspective.
s
Stephanie,
Firstly, let me say, thank you for the nice and well written response back. Honesty is refreshing in a world full of b.s. I sincerely hope that I didnt convey the thought that you were not an awesome catch or a fantastic girl!
When I said ‘hammered”, I meant having to deal with stuff on MY end. As a single guy, I endure a lot. I also am incredibly insecure at times. Your smart and know how to network, all great attributes. I think Im similar in that way. Its just that when I get close to a girl…When I think things are going great…The sex is still really good three months in…And I decide I want to be the ‘nice’ guy, boom EpicFAIL.
I have learned, practically, as you posted today in fact, that the more disinterested I am, the more the girl chases me. And that when Im dealing with an equal, which in this case is you, I get scared. Being drunk, hooking up, etc., all can be chalked up to “One of THOSE nights”. But like normal life stuff? Oh man, freak out time for me. What if you see all of MY flaws?
So, yes what I said is a bit confusing, IM confusing and often times contradictory.
If I didnt live 320 miles away, maybe id have the balls to call you
-M
i think i kind of get it. so far everyone’s focused pretty much on this guy fearing things about him or your relationship together getting analyzed for anyone to see. what it seems like to me is more an issue of what you referred to as accelerated dating. if you have posts about ex boyfriends for instance is this the equivalent about talking about exes on your first or second dinner out? He’s getting all this information that should be slowly parsed out and not just that but anyone has access to it. Theoretically his friends could hop on this site and have just as much information about you as he does. What becomes special knowledge and part of the privileged of dating? Is that kind of what you mean?
exactly! <3
Leave a Comment