imagine you’re a girl just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they’d prefer you were dirty and smiling
pity the fool that is silly enough to start dating me. ok not really. but basically i think that is the monkey i am now carrying on my back. and i do believe it is not going away anytime soon.
this weekend i said to a friend, “ugh. i just feel like when i actually do start dating someone its going to be this stupidly big deal.” not because i think everyone cares that much about me and my personal/dating life. but because i have found that my friends and readers of this blog somehow find themselves sneak attackly invested in the analytical spirals of my crazy dating life. and in my hangover state i really couldn’t explain it to her much better.
and then another friend asked me about a boy i met last week. and i started telling him the story and he was happy and interested in what may transpire, and then he said something very close to, “oh man, think about the social implications of dating you…” and i was absolutely not offended, upset, sad or anything. but i was like sigh, you get it.
have i dug myself into this grave of a self imposed dating drought? am i that girl that is not worth the baggage she brings into a dating situation? do i have the “she’s a lot to take in” stigma? cause i’m not. i mean, i’m all about having healthy relationships. and i know what boundaries make up a healthy relationship. i know that writing about someone else (that i am possibly seeing) is a tricky and delicate thing. and as loud and outgoing and blaaahhhh as i may be, i have tact. i have a masters in communication. i know how to handle situations. and this blog is about me. not the person i am dating.
and being pretty new to this ubertechgeekinterwebsoversharing world i am struggling to find the boundary between thinking it is great when i meet a new boy and he knows of my blog, or asks what i do and tell him about this little space on the net, and wanting him not to know, wanting to maintain this aura of normal girl that he may want to get to know. cause what i write on this blog only assists in the one way relationship that i am so skeptical about. but what i write on this blog is so one hundred percent who i am that i also do not want to be ashamed of it.
i have been writing a blog since my ‘thebestofnothing’ live journal days in the year 2000. but no one cared. no one followed. then my myspace blog provided me an outlet to analyze. but my best friends said, “why would we read your blog? we are your best friends, we know everything about you.” and then i move to SF where in week one i was asked if i had a blog, was considered a bona fide writer. everyone out here got me. and this blog. and thinks i give good perspective. and expresses their similarities and support. and it is amazing. but it’s overwhelming. i know i created this amazing life and blog and so happy and thankful. but i’m trying to figure out my dating life in the basic way, and now here i am this girl that writes a dating blog where dating me means immense social implications. and it’s fine and great. but i just don’t know how to do it.
it’s a new thing for me to be in a conversation with a friend about a boy i met and for her to ask “so what are you looking for… oh wait i read your blog i know- casual or serious.” and i love it, it’s amazing to be in a place where people enjoy my writing and my crazy analytical steph self. but no one can deny that it is probably a bit much to handle if you are a new guy that i meet. and yes i know that the one for me won’t care, and will get me and yes yes yes. but getting to know someone through dating is two ways and better off slow and this blog speeds up that process to the tenth degree. and i am worried that i am forever inhibiting my ability to take it slow with a boy i like. to tell him my history, to talk exes and schemas and fears and hopes and dreams and. sigh.
i’m just trying to find the balance of mutual information sharing and living my dream of being understood by people. today i feel like i am on the high end of a teeter-totter where i have no option but to dangle my legs and wait for the boy on the ground to decide if he wants to push back up to level it out.
i am not an angry girl, but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled. every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it
i am not an angry girl, but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled. every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it up to my anger and never their own fear. and i am sorry, but i am not a maiden fair, and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.