baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts
back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.
i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.
but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.
don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.
therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.
but i have acknowledged that this is not healthy. and recently have even had conversations with a girlfriend about how refreshing it is for her to be dating someone that is nice, and gentle, and LIKES her. and tells her. and compliments her. and ALSO allows her to be her.
and then, while in the midwest, i had a weekend filled with a nice boy (again, i try to avoid at all costs talking about one person in particular in my writing, especially if they read… but i’m making exceptions today, hoping he will understand). and it was like having an out of body experience. he said nice things. compliments. was kind and caring. and i felt it was genuine. and i know it was. but i just couldn’t fully embrace the things he said. i know that he meant them, which is more than i can usually believe, and i wanted to allow myself to feel the way one is supposed to feel when they are with a nice fun cute caring boy/girl that they have a lot in common with, but i couldn’t feel. maybe it is because of my affliction for having a connection with boys that live far away, and the accompanying resolution to not go there anymore. maybe i’m jaded. maybe i’m stubborn. maybe i’m broken. i’m not sure.
but this boy. he said things that i hear in movies and dream of having said to me. nothing over the top. the normal things that nice, cute normal boys say to girls they like. it’s pathetic, but after dating
the not nice guys it is these NORMAL, not over the top, things that i dream of having said to me. and here i was, this weekend, hearing them. and feeling calm and thankful and enjoying my time with this boy. but it was like i had this screen door protecting me. like i would let the nice things come in with the breeze but the door was locked so ultimately he could not come inside. (mind you, he lives far far away so, in this case, the screen door’s purpose was served).
it just got me thinking. i am a hopeless hopeless romantic. but i think deep down, i don’t think that all the things that come with romance will ever be mine. like i don’t deserve, or need them. and it seems as though my psyche is ok with that. i just don’t expect them to happen to me. (therefore, in the way the universe works, they will never actually come to me).
so what now. well, first. thank you. nice boy. you know who you are. and you have unknowingly opened me up a little more. helped me walk closer to the screen door. and provided me with a few of those off the cuff but honest movie lines that i will replay in my mind for a long time to come. second, umm… i’m not sure of what comes next…