there is a black hole at the center of the universe, its gravity is strong and it’s pulling everybody back in, but we’re trying to escape it, trying to escape inevitability
recently i wrote about my fear of the emotional sneak attack. that moment where something from your relational past sneaks up on you when you least expect it and emotionally breaks you in half all over again. something that was difficult for you to process the first time. something that you think you have moved past. something from which, because of its intensity, you are proud and fulfilled to have moved on.
and that post was most certainly written about one situation in particular. and right on key, when i least expected it, i was sneak attacked by a completely and totally different emotional situation. (right on key because the previous writing/awareness of the fear of the specific situation before alleviated the possibility of the attack).
(sorry in advance for the presence of the relational schemas developed from my ex in recent posts, but i’m processing dammit ; )
i guess i’ll explain the relevant schema and then the recent sneak attack and then. i dunno. maybe just telling someone(s) will just help me release it.
my ex was private. and had a laundry list of crazy ex girlfriends. (i know what you’re thinking, i may be crazy, but i’m normal crazy. i just analyze my own shit a lot). and these crazy ex girlfriends would use every bit of information they could to manipulate and use him. also, his parents were very smart psychologists always probing into his personal life. therefore, he was very very private. even when he needn’t be. and towards the end of our relationship thefacebook became a very popular past time of post college grads. and an even more popular past time of my second job out of college desk sitting position self. and then came myspace. and he refused to be a part of this web 2.0 phenomenon. all while relentlessly making fun of me for my involvement with such interwebness. which was fine. and i had the occasional photo of us posted, and said i was in a relationship in my profiles, but i was never that girl that had a gazillion photos of me and my boyfriend up and blah blah (probably because he would never allow it, and i did respect his privacy).
so we dated very seriously for a few years, and (shortly before our breakup) he caved and created his own little space on the net. and i was excited to welcome him to that addicting world of social media. and i saw that his profile said single. and i asked him about it. and he said that he didn’t specifically choose that, and that it must have been the default. and i said, “oh, well then change it silly.” and that was enough neediness (after years of dating) to send him the opposite direction and refuse to change the relationship status because he, “was in fact single, because he was not married.” and then i added him as a friend (duh) and he refused to accept it. saying that it was personal. and that i was part of his everyday life enough. that he didn’t need me snooping into his life (assuming that i would strategically write all over his comments and photos to mark my territory, even though i didn’t keep so much as a hair brush at his house after two years in fear that he would think i was marking my territory). needless to say that was pretty close to the beginning of the end. we broke up a few months later. and then a few months after that, not able to let go of the connection, became best friends again. so i tried again. sent that myspace friend request assuming that he understood that we were broken up and his life was his life and if i did find anything out on is page that was romantically personal that he knew that it was, consequently, my issue to work through. refused. again.
and there we were. best friends again. but he stood strong on not letting me into that part of his life. well, obviously, i unconsciously developed a few relational schemas as a result of this steel wall he put up. and most of those i have worked through. 1) understanding that i am NOT the needy and crazy girl he often unconsciously treated me as, 2) that i do not need someone in my life that does not understand that i don’t snoop on people i care about because i assume that out of mutual liking for one another we are open with each other (read: would not be ashamed of being my friend on facebook, and would like when i commented because it was not strategic, just friendship), 3) that some people have a skewed sense of self importance and believe that other’s live breathe and die to know their personal business when this is not the case in reality (read: sometimes, no matter what i do, some people are going to ascribe meanings to my actions that have nothing to do with what i did or my intent), and 4) (the one i was sure that almost 3 years later i had processed and released) that anyone worth caring about in my life will understand me, or try to, and openly care about me in return, and if they do not then it is not someone i need in my life (read: i am NOT inadequate to be in their life).
so, 3 years later he is now on facebook. i know this because i am friends with his best friend, his little brother, his sister, his brother in law
(and so forth) and when they added him as a friend it showed in my feed. and since we talk regularly, and most certainly consider one another friends (not best friends since we moved to opposite coasts), i added him as a friend. the personal message reading, “welcome to the dark side.” and then i call him to see how his thanksgiving was. and he’s tired and hungover and being overly mean to me in the wake of his crankiness. and i say, “oh! hey! i’m your facebook friend now! accept me :)” (i added the smiley cause i was smiling and light hearted while speaking to him). and he says, “no way, rub (his nickname for me).” and i say, “what? why not silly?” and de ja vu, i apparently became clinically crazy thinking this time i would get a different result from the same behavior. 3 years later. thousands of miles away. a million positive life and emotional changes (on my part) and he still thinks that being my friend on the internet is different and
more dangerous than in real life. i had lunch with his mom this week while in detroit. that is how much we are still in each other’s lives. we talk regularly, once every week or two, and i believe still genuinely care about one another. and here i am RATIONALIZING MY POSITION IN HIS LIFE TO TRY AND EXPLAIN MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY for not being able to be his freaking facebook friend. i was affected for a good portion of the day after our conversation. it was a sneak attack. something of which, especially in the web2.0geekloveworld of SF, i had rid myself. the fear that someone does not understand the purpose and function of social media sites and thus projects those misunderstandings onto my actions, making me look and feel stupid.
so here i am. BLOGGING about it. to people that get it. possibly it is rationalizing, but i believe it is more an act of reaching out to a community that understands me and asking for support and assurance that this is not me. i am not inadequate.
i thought i saw somebody drowning in the crystal waters of lake michigan
i threw in a life preserver, but preservation is always only temporary
see i can offer you my hand, but i can’t save you from inevitability