time isn’t telling me a thing, it’s playing with my heart. i’m tearing at the seams. you on the other hand, choosing what to understand is old. i’m sure you know how we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour we can’t get much louder than this. we always lose hearts in the strangest places, picking up the pieces we break… i just won’t tell you about it. i won’t tell you. i just won’t tell you about it.
so, much like every person who has the luxury to be self reflexive and autonomous and intelligent enough to reflect on their past year with the ability to give thanks and make resolutions… i have been thinking about my last year extensively. and at first i started just writing a list of all the things that have happened this past year. but there was just a major component lacking to this list- feeling. it was a list of events. not the emotional, mental, or physical challenges, growths, or revelations that came with finishing grad school, moving across the country, sleeping on a couch for two months, creating a new home, or family for that matter. it was list.
so, i started to think of resolutions, like everyone else. but, without judgement to those brave souls with resolutions, this concept didn’t seem to work for me either. resolution, the word, doesn’t sit right with me, where i am in my life. i am working hard on making every action one i would not want to resolve. which lead me to think of all the lessons and personal growths i have experienced this past year. and overall, singling them out seemed to diminish the importance of the others. so this has left me pondering how to accurately summate what was the year of twothousandandeight.
and in the midst of all this ringing in the new hoopla i had been experiencing some ‘dating life’ situations that inspired some very personal and revelatory writing. and so i wrote. on a plane. where i seem to do my best and most heart wrenching writing. where there was no internet to directly post. where i could ’sit’ on that emotional post for just another day. which i did.
and, in rereading my personal and very chronologically detailed post i had a moment of hesitation to post this excerpt of my life. overall, it was a great post. but it was… personal. about me and someone. and in an attempt to verify that i would not be misunderstood by posting this blog, i sent it to a few close friends. and asked their honest opinion of what they took away from it. and low and behold, i would have been misunderstood. so i struggled with following my process of, well, processing by posting it and putting it out there, and not putting it out there in fear that i would be misunderstood. and because i trust my friends, i didn’t post it.
needless to say, the universe revealed itself to me in a way that made me grateful for that moment of hesitation. that silence.
and there i was. left sitting with my all encompassing lesson learned, thankful for experience, biggest revelation, and overall taking away from 2008: pride.
i’m not talking the deadly sin type of pride. i am talking the accountability, conscious of your actions, no regrets type of pride. i have 2008 and all of its players to thank for the greatest gift i could have ever asked for. internal self worth and pride.
and it must be said, that, long ago, the exboyfriend that has inspired so much of my writing was the first person to think it important that i understand this concept. now, he may not have been the best teacher of the concept, but he meant well. thus, my attribution of the beginning of this life changing year to him. he was the one to teach me the idea that i am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, thoughts, or actions. that i am responsible for myself. and only myself. what i had to learn on my own, often the hard way, was what this truly meant.
it meant that i didn’t have to give up all the nice qualities i enojyed having. it did not constitute being mean. or unthoughtful, or unkind. it meant having boundaries between my feelings and actions and others’.
and my dear friend corporate america added to my understanding of this huge life concept that i was beginning to experience. it was in merchandise mart that i learned what an immense amount of value i personally placed on accountability. owning one’s actions. understanding the difference between placing blame and worth and response on someone or something else.
and if there is one truth among truths it is that learning and growth can absolutely not occur in a threatened, defensive, unsafe environment. san francisco enters stage left. a new and unbelievably understanding and advanced city of friends has taught me to be proud. proud of the actions i own. proud of the steps i take, the mistakes i make, and everything i do that adds up to steph. friends that allow me to live, learn, and grow. in that order.
so with all these huge life concepts going on in my life and brain, 2008 taught me how to blend them all into a way of living. no. a way of being.
with the acceptance of friends and family that support and encourage me without judgement, i was able to understand what it meant to truly feel an immense amount of self worth that no one could take from me. cause it was mine. and more importantly, to not put myself in situations where i am giving up this right, this ownership of my feelings, actions and… pride.
i could not be more grateful for the ability to fully understand the consequences on my actions, and act based on them. OWNING everything i do. being fully conscious and proud of every step i take. whether it is not posting a blog that would consequently give someone in my life more power than he deserves. not going home with that boy because in the morning i would feel terrible about myself. not drinking to oblivion every night because everything will still be there, throbbing, in the morning. for NOT telling everyone everything, because some thoughts and emotions are mine, and mine alone. for understanding the value of NOT talking about ‘it’ right away. for understanding the process. for understanding that there IS a process. for writing, for me, with no hopes or expectations of anyones’ reactions,
so here i am twothousandandeight, thanking you with all of my heart, for this life changing lesson. the lesson to act consciously and positively for myself, and for others. for opening myself to this journey. for enjoying the immense amount of power self worth has bestowed upon me. for everything.
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