i am, um maybe, um, not interested in you romantically?

and i don’t want ambivalence no more, i don’t want ambivalence no more, i don’t want ambivalence no more, no i don’t want ambivalence no more.

so i’ve got a ton to write about, but after a friend called me today stressing about an encounter that he had with a girl this weekend i knew i needed to start here.

girls are bad at rejecting boys. ok. that’s way to general of a statement. but after this weekend, i realize that letting someone know that you are not interested in them is much more difficult than boys give girls credit for.

i will say, now with more certainty than ever, that i am not good at letting a boy know that i am not interested. and most likely i did not realize that he WAS interested until i’ve inadvertently acted overly fun and friendly, cause that’s just who i am.

maybe it is my own fear of rejection- i can’t bring myself to inflict that on someone. maybe i’m a coward and preach honestly and ownership of feelings but don’t practice it. maybe i attract very confident boys that can’t imagine me not being into them. but i seem to get myself into the predicament of needing to let someone know i’m not interested, um, way too late. but being blatantly honest that i am not interested is ridiculously hard.

and i have two theories on why it is hard. they both apply to me, but the latter i think applies to hetero dating overall.

so, yea, i write a relationship blog, mostly about my single life. and my possible desperation, possible fear, probable longing and definite dreaming of meeting the one. and i’m now on the radio, soliciting dates from cute boys with beards and bikes to anyone that will listen. and that’s me. i’m single. though i despise to say it, some would call me flirty. i’m hopelessly romantic. gregariously extroverted. defective in my need for privacy. and impossibly picky.

i do believe that sometimes the most crucial personality aspect, impossibly picky, is often (apparently) buried deep deep under all the former stephisms. but. it. is. the. bedrock. of. who. i. am.

one of my employees said something to me that was so simple, yet so profoundly right i had to take a moment to process it. he said, “for someone so low maintenance, you sure are picky.”

well there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. stephdub to a tee.

so what’s this mean? it means that when my emotionally open, carefree, fun-loving, compassionate, easy to relate with, outgoing personality is paired with my propensity for meeting new people constantly, talking about my single hood, and DESIRE for a date- we have a recipe for disaster.

the girl that, if you don’t know her well, is ASKING for dates, but has a problem telling people that she is not interested in them.

and this is a problem because unfortunately we have this saying, and belief in our society that beggars can’t be choosers. therefore, if i am asking for a date- who am i to be picky enough to want to be attracted, physically and mentally my date? that is, apparently, too much to ask for. but as my amazing sales person girlfriend says, “if you don’t ask, the answer’s always no.” duh. so YEA. i am asking for my cake, and i SURE AS HELL am going to eat it too. AND just because i’m asking for it does NOT mean that i am desperate for it.

until then though, i do believe that i will have to become more comfortable letting people know i’m not interested. breaking hearts if you will (says my new and non forgiving group of friends who like to laugh at others’ hardships. ;)

there it is. i am open about my desire to meet the one, and all of my trials and tribulations in dating, thereby attracting many more (than maybe normally would) boys to try and hang out. and sometimes i see it from a mile away. and sometimes i am way too far into what i think is friendship and then i get wimpy and freak. i freak because i most likely care well enough for the person as a friend, just am not interested romantically.

but like my friend said today. he’d rather know. rejection is better than not knowing, not showing, or not going.

the OTHER thing that just doesn’t help my cause is that we live in a heteronormative society where masculine and manly roles are not only present but expected to be enacted. and in dating, these roles include being the initiator. it’s the norm for the guy to ask the girl out. it’s expected. and i will go as far to say that it’s expected for him to be aggressive in his pursuit. well, an aggressive guy is much more difficult to turn down than an non aggressive one. especially to someone that just wants to be nice and lovey and caring and not mean.

so, in the car today i was thinking about the fact that boys should just wait for girls to show them that they are interested. and i thought about the fact that i am often the initiator/have no problems tellings boys i like them.

until i realized that was the old me. that was the college aged stephdub. that was pre crazy schema creating relationship that created the “play it too cool” stephdub.

so i’ve talked myself into a contradictory circle. i have a problem telling boys that i’m not into, that i’m not into them. but i have a problem showing boys that i am into, that i am. ummm, can i get a whomp whomp?

and there’s a shadow in the sky, and it looks like rain, and shit is gonna fly once again, and I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but pathos has got me once again…

the misrepresentation of playing it cool

can’t give up acting tough. it’s all that i’m made of. can’t scrape together quite enough, to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that i need love.

after talking with some friends about some recent dating situations i’ve come to a conclusion. one that is slightly frustrating, mostly because i thought i had shed myself of much of the baggage from the ex. but apparently this one has stuck. and i just don’t know really what to do.

so, i think i’ve mentioned that my ex had very very very needy and truly psychologically crazy girlfriends before me. and because of this, he had more than a tendency to react to things that i did like i was one of those crazy exes. after years of dating, he wouldn’t let me keep any clothes or girl products at his house, he assumed there were ulterior motives for all of my questions, and never ever did anything outwardly romantic, because he thought i expected it, therefore he wasn’t going to give it just to spite me. and this went on and on. and i basically told him that he is the crazy one and needs to take a chill pill.

but ultimately, it came down to the fact that he was treating me like i was crazy and needy no matter what my behavior actually was. he had this image in his brain of ‘girlfriend’=needy and when he looked at me, that’s all he saw. the image created in his head. NOT me.

so for a zillion reasons, we broke up. and i’ve analyzed every aspect of our relationship and it’s lasting effects over and over, here in writing, out loud to friends, and in my head. and it’s been three and a half years. and i was pretty positive that i got all that analyzing, growth and understanding out of my system.

until recently.

it has come to my attention, based on the way i’ve acted with the past few guys i’d ’seen’ that a little habit that i would have previously prided myself on may actually be unhealthy, and reek of self sabotage.

apparently, the moment i decide that i’m into someone (romantically, like, more than getting to know if i like you as a person) i say calming and nicely to myself, “play it cool.” which is drilled into me over and over. don’t be desperate. don’t show that you like them too much. and i guess we’ve all heard the message, but forget where it came from, and really, what it’s purpose is.

play it cool so that if he/she decides that they don’t like you in return you don’t look dumb.

so here it is, a HUGE disconnect in what i preach (vulnerability at all times) and what i practice (defenses up). a disconnect of which i was honestly very UNAWARE. and there it is, the stain of my last relationship, coming through my fresh and laundered self. apparently (says accounts from my friends) i do and say things (in my conscious ‘play it cool’ attempts) that come off as not only playing it cool, but completely disinterested.

so here i am, at the beginning of any such swooning, deciding that this boy is one i’d like to get to know better, romantically, and i make the conscious decision not to throw myself at him. and in that decision i, in fact, act completely uninterested thinking that i am doing exactly what i need to be doing- acting NOT needy or crazy.

because that is what was drilled into me over and over and over throughout every interaction with my ex. don’t act needy. don’t act overly into anything. don’t be emotional. don’t show interest.

and it is so funny. because i know and say that openness and connection and emotions are real and allowed and NECESSARY in relationships. but i totally put up a wall and DON’T do those things because, when it comes down to it, i’m afraid they won’t like me back.

f*ck. i am that person. the jaded girl or boy who has forgotten the benefit of vulnerability and how good it feels when it IS right. and i’ve let my desire to no longer feel hurt or rejected over shine my desire for honest and real connection. all UNCONSCIOUSLY.

i guess i just don’t know the middle ground. i don’t know where the line between interested and desperate really is. because my benchmark of desperate is all out of whack from the ex.

and i don’t really know where to go from here. i’m feeling pretty unsettled with all of this. my muscle memory was trained that all things interested=desperate. and i don’t know how to change that, because i honestly don’t really KNOW the difference between interested and desperate.

so i play it cool. way. too. cool.

and continue to be single.

did someone make a fool of me, before i could show em how it’s done.