and i don’t want ambivalence no more, i don’t want ambivalence no more, i don’t want ambivalence no more, no i don’t want ambivalence no more.
so i’ve got a ton to write about, but after a friend called me today stressing about an encounter that he had with a girl this weekend i knew i needed to start here.
girls are bad at rejecting boys. ok. that’s way to general of a statement. but after this weekend, i realize that letting someone know that you are not interested in them is much more difficult than boys give girls credit for.
i will say, now with more certainty than ever, that i am not good at letting a boy know that i am not interested. and most likely i did not realize that he WAS interested until i’ve inadvertently acted overly fun and friendly, cause that’s just who i am.
maybe it is my own fear of rejection- i can’t bring myself to inflict that on someone. maybe i’m a coward and preach honestly and ownership of feelings but don’t practice it. maybe i attract very confident boys that can’t imagine me not being into them. but i seem to get myself into the predicament of needing to let someone know i’m not interested, um, way too late. but being blatantly honest that i am not interested is ridiculously hard.
and i have two theories on why it is hard. they both apply to me, but the latter i think applies to hetero dating overall.
so, yea, i write a relationship blog, mostly about my single life. and my possible desperation, possible fear, probable longing and definite dreaming of meeting the one. and i’m now on the radio, soliciting dates from cute boys with beards and bikes to anyone that will listen. and that’s me. i’m single. though i despise to say it, some would call me flirty. i’m hopelessly romantic. gregariously extroverted. defective in my need for privacy. and impossibly picky.
i do believe that sometimes the most crucial personality aspect, impossibly picky, is often (apparently) buried deep deep under all the former stephisms. but. it. is. the. bedrock. of. who. i. am.
one of my employees said something to me that was so simple, yet so profoundly right i had to take a moment to process it. he said, “for someone so low maintenance, you sure are picky.”
well there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. stephdub to a tee.
so what’s this mean? it means that when my emotionally open, carefree, fun-loving, compassionate, easy to relate with, outgoing personality is paired with my propensity for meeting new people constantly, talking about my single hood, and DESIRE for a date- we have a recipe for disaster.
the girl that, if you don’t know her well, is ASKING for dates, but has a problem telling people that she is not interested in them.
and this is a problem because unfortunately we have this saying, and belief in our society that beggars can’t be choosers. therefore, if i am asking for a date- who am i to be picky enough to want to be attracted, physically and mentally my date? that is, apparently, too much to ask for. but as my amazing sales person girlfriend says, “if you don’t ask, the answer’s always no.” duh. so YEA. i am asking for my cake, and i SURE AS HELL am going to eat it too. AND just because i’m asking for it does NOT mean that i am desperate for it.
until then though, i do believe that i will have to become more comfortable letting people know i’m not interested. breaking hearts if you will (says my new and non forgiving group of friends who like to laugh at others’ hardships. ;)
there it is. i am open about my desire to meet the one, and all of my trials and tribulations in dating, thereby attracting many more (than maybe normally would) boys to try and hang out. and sometimes i see it from a mile away. and sometimes i am way too far into what i think is friendship and then i get wimpy and freak. i freak because i most likely care well enough for the person as a friend, just am not interested romantically.
but like my friend said today. he’d rather know. rejection is better than not knowing, not showing, or not going.
the OTHER thing that just doesn’t help my cause is that we live in a heteronormative society where masculine and manly roles are not only present but expected to be enacted. and in dating, these roles include being the initiator. it’s the norm for the guy to ask the girl out. it’s expected. and i will go as far to say that it’s expected for him to be aggressive in his pursuit. well, an aggressive guy is much more difficult to turn down than an non aggressive one. especially to someone that just wants to be nice and lovey and caring and not mean.
so, in the car today i was thinking about the fact that boys should just wait for girls to show them that they are interested. and i thought about the fact that i am often the initiator/have no problems tellings boys i like them.
until i realized that was the old me. that was the college aged stephdub. that was pre crazy schema creating relationship that created the “play it too cool” stephdub.
so i’ve talked myself into a contradictory circle. i have a problem telling boys that i’m not into, that i’m not into them. but i have a problem showing boys that i am into, that i am. ummm, can i get a whomp whomp?