so i originally wrote this post back in october.
but have since had enough fuel and fodder to revisit, and revise my thoughts. so here it is.
beggars can’t be choosers. we’ve all heard it, said it, and probably felt it at some time. but lately i’ve been frustrated with the way others’ have had a tendency to hold me to this ‘philosophy.’
so i am going to my hardest to rationalize to my psyche and to the world why i think the phrase- beggars can’t be choosers- is NOT appropriate in the dating world.
it seems as though the longer we ‘long’ for something and don’t get it, the closer and closer we get to begging for it. but, when it comes to a someone to date, or be romantically interested in we cannot let our brain fill in the gap with the rest of the phrase (we can’t choose).
it’s my personal philosophy that we cannot help who we like, or who we are attracted to. it’s just in us. it seems like it is still one of the most instinctual things about us. or maybe not. maybe with the paradigm shift from economic partnerships to ‘love’ based partnerships we actually evolved into having this ‘instinctual’ attraction button. anywayyyy- i subscribe to the idea that connection, attraction, and the ‘it’ factor is just there for some people and not for others. it’s not personal who we find attractive, or ‘romantically funny, intelligent, or arousing’ (rather than platonically) or whatever. it just is. i like you. or i liiiiiiikkeeeee you. its one of those intangible things that separates the two. and therefore, it just is what it is.
SO. when my rational brain is creeping closer and closer to ‘beggar’ status with finding someone- ok…the one…to date… it unconsciously and rationally reacts in a ‘can’t be choosers’ way. for example- a while back i was at a big concert and per usual, a few gimlets in, i began to cut a rug in the the front of the huge venue. and apparently i “cut a few rugs”- so when i was finished and sweaty (by no means glistening) and this boy came over to chat me up i was shocked. as i wiped the rug cutting sweat from my brow he explained that he loved my dancing, my fashion style, blah blah and would love to hang out sometime. now. this boy seemed cool. but the second he started talking to me i knew i wasn’t into to him. but when he asked me for my number i found myself giving it to him. and making plans…?!? ….(what?!)….. my inner voice was SCREAMING “you’re not interested” but it seemed as though my rational brain had plans of its own- being deprived of all romantical male attention for so long and all. so i gave my number to a boy who had a ‘fro twice the size of mine, and that i was actually fine with never seeing again.
now. i am SURE that all of your rational brains are kicking in and saying “steph! you don’t even know him. he could totally be great but you’re never going to know cause you wrote him off as not interested.” and lecturing me on not being open minded. when really it is the classic “beggars can’t be choosers” phrase that you want to scream at me.
and honestly, i no longer let myself ascribe to this mentality. but it seems that the longer i am single and continuing to voice my desire to meet someone, the more others’ feel the need to tell me that i should try ‘this’ or try ‘that’ when i know those things DON’T work for me. but people like to tell you what they think, and what they think you should do. and when what THEY think i should to doesn’t fit with what i know to work for ME, they get a bit of an attitude. as to say, without the words, “well steph, beggars can’t be choosers.”
now don’t get me wrong. if i were sitting at home every friday night in my flower nightgown watching reruns of law and order eating ice cream, then YEA give me a little shit for not trying. but HELL. i am TRYING to meet someone. i am out being social, involving myself in all kinds of new experiences and i haven’t met him. now DON’T jump to another very common phrase dictated to me by people that think they know what i need more than do, “well, steph, there’s your problem. you’re TRYING too hard to meet someone. it always happens when you’re NOT trying. just let it go and have fun.”
and this phrase makes me EQUALLY, or maybe even more mad. because i am not TRYING TOO HARD to meet someone. my being social is not whatsoever done with the sole goal of meeting a boy. but that does NOT mean that i am not allowed to keep it in mind when i do out. because, honestly, i’ve found that i actually NEED to keep it in mind when i’m out or else i get so caught up in hanging with my group of 20+ friends at the bar that i don’t even allow myself the opportunity to meet someone. i know that the girls, and even many of the guys in my group of friends will agree with me on this. when we all go out, there are a lot of us. and a) no one in their right mind that doesn’t know us wouldn’t be intimidated to come up to ONE person in such a big and awesome filled group. and b) we all really like one anothers’ company, so we absolutely do not actively seek out other people to engage with.
so. yea. i DO have to keep it in mind when i’m out and social. i want to meet someone new. i NEED to try a little. because i’m pretty positive that nothing really happens in any area of life if you don’t even TRY.
so, back to beggars can’t be choosers. i’m just frustrated that because i am a social woman, that is VOCAL about her less than satisfaction with her dating life, that I am the one doing something wrong, and if i’m going to be repeatedly vocal about my dissatisfaction (ie: beg) then i shouldn’t be so picky (ie: choosey).
but you know what. screw that. love, relationships, dating, attraction- if we don’t demand what we want in these categories there is no way in hell that someone else will demand them for us.
we can’t help who we are and are not attracted to. and we all hope to find that one that we are hopelessly into to in all aspects and have them feel the same way. but until that comes i’m not going to ‘try others on for size’ when everything in me says i’m not interested. be it rational or irrational. because, in all honesty, i’m not even a beggar. i just live in a society that makes me question myself, and self worth every moment of life, and that promotes the “beggars can’t be choosers and you’re looking pretty close to a beggar cause you’re single” mentality