it takes more than ****ing someone you don’t know to keep warm
i don’t know when it was, but sometime over the past three and a half years i came to understand how guys categorize women. and as many men surely will agree, this is no revelatory understanding. why not? because there are two categories. that’s it.
the girl the guy wants to sleep with.
and the girl the guy wants to date (the extreme of this being the girl the guy wants to marry).
and, somewhere throughout my wild wild days of bachelorettehood (ha.) i realized that the line between the two is not, in fact, any where near blurred. it is crystal clear. and most girls cannot even toe this line without it actually violently shoving them into one category that much more. which ever line they may have been toeing.
n. the girl guys want to sleep with- the hot girl that guy cannot stop thinking about, while at the bar, or the next day at work. she is fun and flirty and interesting. and he has a good time with her. but he cannot stop thinking about her not because of those things, but because he is consumed with thoughts of physical attraction and ultimately wants, maybe needs, to bang her.
n. the girl the guy wants to date- the hot girl that sparks connection and commitment in him. the one he can see himself settling down with. the one with which he mentally, emotionally, AND physically connects, and wants no one else connecting.
ok, so what is the difference? well in the totally weird world we date in, guys are often looking for one or the other. and in their brain, the two cannot be one in the same. therefore, upon meeting or seeing or flirting, a guy does all he can to gather qualitative data, code that data, and categorize that lady. and sometimes girl does some obvious things to place herself in one or the other, but sometimes not.
and as i’ve gathered. guys usually have an idea of that category of girl they are seeking at any point in their life. so they start weening through the masses of potential lady loves labeling and identifying each that sparks some sort of interest, assigning them to the collection which they belong.
annnddd let me clarify. these two categories are equal in status. i am by no means saying that being the girl the guy wants to date is more or less desirable than the one he wants to sleep with. because, let’s face it, we’re adults, and our needs and wants change throughout time.
they each serve many purposes and functions, fulfilling needs for both parties.
i guess throughout my dating hits and misses i just really didn’t get how common, ultimate, and consistent this categorization was. and my over analytical self has finally begun to understand how complex this makes dating.
you see, there are two tricky things about this process in which men engage. first, it is all done without the girls’ participation, or knowledge. secondly, and even more confusingly, the men’s behavior towards women of each category is strikingly similar. and the more libations involved, the more the differences in behavior tend to fade.
now i’ve gone through periods of, unconsciously, being each of these girls. meeting the boy at the bar that i connect with, and have genuine conversation with, and really want to get to know better. and also seeing a boy that i’m very attracted to and yea (which my astrologer has kindly pointed out is something i need to indulge in more. umm?).
but what i hadn’t before considered was which girl THEY saw me as. i could have felt the want to date connection with a guy that placed me in category of ’sleep with.’ and since, like i said before, the behavior for both categories looks eerily similar, i probably thought he felt the same way i did. when in fact, he was doing and saying whatever necessary to sleep with me. and i fell for it, enough. i didn’t fall for it all the way to the bedroom, which is why, despite the connection i THOUGHT we had, he didn’t call. you see, we were playing two different games.
now that i’ve spelled out one of many possible scenarios, you can use your imagination to fill in all of the other instances where disappointment could come from aiming for two separate goals.
after this monumental revelation, i made a major altercation in my dating life. i realized that i never again wanted to be the girl the guy wants to sleep with. well, when i say it like that… that’s not true. i just decided that from here on out i want to be an active participant in the process of determining which category i fall into. and that is, at this point (and probably from here on out, contrary to my astrologer’s advice) the date category.
and i think that much of what you may have read, or personally know about me fits the image i’m trying to create.
it’s just where i am in my life.
but also where i am, physically, is san francisco. and this is where launch into my analysis of dating in SF.
the best way to describe (at this moment, cause i can probably have a zillion thoughts on the subject) the heterosexual dating scene of san francisco is within the terms of my previously outlined theory.
it seems like the man boys in the city by the bay ‘date’ the “girls guys want to have sex with.” and of course i use the term date as defined by the situation. because, as i’ve articulated previously, i think that in general America has a pretty standard definition of dating. and sf is the anthesis of that already loose (yes, i went there) definition.
what am i saying? in my year and a half in this city it seems like most (because i’ll have the others crawling out of the woodwork now arguing) guys i’ve met want to have regular sex, with limited commitment, or responsibilities, with girls. and call that dating.
well, let me clarify. some of them don’t call it dating. they call it acceptable, and expected. while clearly stating that they DON’T want to be dating anyone. the others call regular sex, with limited courting dating.
and as a girl who has decided that she wants to be regarded as the girl guys want to date, i am finding myself mighty fed up with the ‘dating’ scene in sf.
because, really, it’s a sleep around scene. now i hope you know that i hate making generalizations, and there are definitely guys out there that want connection and commitment and to actually date. hell, i’m friends with a gazillion of them. but it seems like even THOSE guys kill time trying to find the ‘girl they want to date’ by fooling around, in all senses of the word, with the girls they want to sleep with.
and because i process emotions by rationalizing them to death, my frustrations have got me pondering WHY we, the smart, sexy, fine women of san francisco put up with this. i mean, obviously we have to. it seems that somewhere, in the guiding rules that attract intelligent, successful, ambitious men to this city, lies the unspoken rule that men dictate the definition of and bounds around dating.
and these dating defining men, being some of the most intelligent, successful, and ambitious men in the country, get away with acting like grown children that happen to make a lot of money.
and i’ve come up with three rational reasons as to why we allow it to continue.
first- strong, intelligent, successful men are not the only ones drawn to fog city. independent and ambitious women are as well. and honestly, they are looking for the same thing. for dating to mean sleeping around, with limited strings attached. because successful and ambitious, for a man OR a woman means that you can’t possibly have a relationship AND be successful, duh.
second- many of the fine young women drawn to the culture of innovation SF is known for are much in the same place as i once was. that place of not realizing that maybe he is saying and doing all of those things, just to sleep with you. and fall for it. time and time again. because in other parts of the country there are rules. and they have not yet realized that SF plays by its own rules.
and third. maybe, just maybe, these strong successful, intelligent, beautiful, ambitious, fun loving women know about these new fandangled rules, and hate them. and have become so mentally, physically, and emotionally attention deprived from not subscribing to one of the only two categories that they give in and say, fuck it. (i mean… um… i’m… um… guessing).