i don’t know what the hell i want. ok?

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you, you used to have all the answers. and you, you still have them, too.

so. here it is. the not so ‘unjudgmental’ part of steph that i usually try to hide at all costs. if i had to chose one thing in life that i have almost zero patience for i think it would have to be indecision. we all know my obsession with personal accountability (and the fact that it is so difficult to actually enact, and find in others), and i think my annoyance with indecisive people stems from my push for, and expectation of personal accountability. essentially, it’s this simple: make a decision, and own it. period.

decide what you are going to do/say/be and own that decision. but i know, it’s not that easy. we live in society that makes us question ourselves m o m e n t  a f t e r  m o m e n t. so what type of people does this society breed? indecisive, wishy washy, too ‘nice,’ unaccountable, finger pointers. now i know that there is a ton more that goes into making these people than the society we live in, mainly our upbringing, so i’ll go ahead and say that somewhere in MY upbringing i attributed value to the ability to make a decision and act on it. maybe it’s because i’m a virgo. i think things through, i plan, i am pragmatic to the core.  or maybe it is because i have so many fire signs in my astrology chart (energy, action, spark). either way, all of these things lead me to place immense value on the ability to think something through enough to know/act/do/or be.

and i understand that some people don’t place so much value on such things. however, i do. and i see the inability to make a decision as a weakness. i know, there it is, sorry. judgment. my nemesis. however, i say this all knowing that it is an extreme and in everyday life i curtail that massive judgment with self awareness and perspective to act in a normal manner. i’m just trying to give you an understanding of my core instincts. indecision = weakness.

and recently, i had a revelation that ignited a great amount of cognitive dissonance in this analytical brain of mine. so i ignored it. and didn’t tell anyone. not on the radio, not my friends, not here. i what i realized about myself, my life, my needs right now just didn’t fit with one of my core beliefs. so it couldn’t be true. so i ignored some more.

and then, as things most often do with me, it just came out. t he words were spoken.  it was there. the truth. and i had no idea how to process it.

you see, the revelation that i was so willing and desperate to ignore was this: i have no idea what i want.

what’s the big deal with not knowing what i want, you ask? i’ll tell you. let me lay it out there in a nice and rational psychoanalytical fashion. i value knowing, decision, and action. and the ability to do. and to use those characteristics, one must first know what they are knowing, deciding or doing. and therefore, when i have no idea what the ‘what’ actually is, then i am left with zero ability to decide how to do. thereby leaving me paralyzed with inaction. thus, i am a weak person.

make sense? if not, i’ll use this example instead of theory: i, personally, feel strong and confident in life when i act. i have a goal and i make it happen. the ability to create a rational plan to make something i want happen is what brings me true joy. and challenge, hell, challenge just invigorates me more. because i have to reevaluate the plan, and apply more thought and reason to the situation to meet the goal. you see, in my brain, not meeting the goal is not an option. every situation can be analyzed enough to figure it out, and make it happen. i am sure that it is this mentality that helped me get through grad school successfully while working full time, and unsuccessfully deal with a breakup that was due to circumstances out of my control.

i’m a virgo, i like order and rationale, and perfection, and systems, and process, and logic. at my core, it’s where i’m most comfortable.

so, when i am faced with a situation like the one i just revealed to you (that i have no idea what i want in my dating life), i am a complete mess. i feel exposed and vulnerable, out of control and lost.

how am i supposed to create a logical plan, and rationalize my emotions when i don’t know what i’m planning for, or how i even feel?

after coming to this terrible conclusion i tried to just be with this moment in life. allow myself to just not know. tell myself that it doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me less anything. it just is.

but that was hard. because, believe it or not, dating is something that people, in general, are pretty decisive about. “i’m not dating.” “i’m ready to settle down.” “i’m ready to meet someone.” “i want nothing to do with it, it takes too much time.” “i just want to make out.” “i’m heartbroken and can’t even think about dating.” “i’m in no place to date.”  (now, people’s relationship craziness that lead them to whatever decision they’ve made about their dating life is a whole nother story.)

so there i was, stephdub, the relationship writer with a radio show about dating, having no i dea what i wanted. unable to make a decision about something that everyone can make a decision about.

i decided to sit with this anxiety provoking uncertainty and hand the doozy of situation over to the universe.

and about a week and a half later i remembered that the universe doesn’t respond to idleness. so i made a list.

lists are organized, thought provoked entities. they fit with my m.o. well. i figured if i could make a list of my wants and don’t wants in dating, then i would have enough data to categorize the items and determine where i am in my dating life. hmp. here it goes:

don’t wants:

* something serious. i’m trying to focus on some big goals i’ve set for myself, and absolutely cannot get distracted by love and stuff.
* to go on dates with people i don’t know. it’s awkward, and basically i hate traditional dating (for me).
* to do internet dating sites
* to sleep around
* too  much responsibility to someone else

do wants:

* flirting fun
* physical attraction
* physical attention
* a ‘fun’ buddy. someone to do fun things with. while holding hands. maybe. once in a while. but not too regularly.
* someone that gets me, enough
* to do the ‘fun for now’ thing, knowing that it won’t be long term

there are the lists so far. in what category do those juicy nuggets of information put me?

i guess in the “just want to have fun and go to bars and parties and maybe have you there to smooch and laugh with, but you have to be attractive and somewhat intellectually interesting to me or i’ll get annoyed and/or bored and it will become stressful and defeat the purpose. oh, and you don’t want something serious either, but you’re not just trying to sleep with me and move on.” yea.

alas, SF boy for right now… where are you?

watch things on the vcr, with me and talk about big love… but you, you just know. you just do.

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