here i am. this is me.

any day now, it’s alright, she’s standing on the precipice of big time. yea we’re just a couple small people squeezing out life, we need a little good time.

well, this is it.

30 days. a blog post a day. national blog post a day month. complete.

i did it. and things are, well, more calm. i don’t really seem to have anything more figured out. i bullshitted a little, i poured my heart out a little. i felt a little. and then a little more.

and, over all, i feel good about it. it’s interesting to look at where i was 30 days ago. staring at the same full moon that i am now. writing about, siiiiggggggghhh, feelings. i started sitting next to a pool twentythreehundred miles away, in new orleans, and finish sitting in my bed in san francisco. symbolic really. of a lot.

i guess this is what people that write in a journal feel like when they go back and read it. and i’ve only been doing it for 30 days.

i feel good. i wish i could blurt it all out here like a real journal. tell the ones i love that i do, and the ones that hurt me that they did, the ones i wish for in my life that i do, and so forth. but that’d be sappy. and i’m no sap. ha.

this month i’ve come to a place where i’m learning to feel. and just be ok with that. not have to know what to do with those feelings. i’ve learned that people often show you parts of themselves that they chastise in others, and don’t even know it. that sometimes, true friends (or what you thought were) have the ability to hurt you the most. that some people will think what they want about me, whether or not it’s true, well, when most likely it’s absolutely not. that i love my alone time more than ever. that sf is one hundred percent home. that i know more about relationships than i wish to and it haunts me. that i am waiting for you. that i’m still figuring it out. that getting uber geeky glasses has the opposite effect as i desired (total prep boys like em? when i just want to be not looked at). that i absolutely cannot live without the friends i’ve know for years, and know me the best. that travel is in my blood and soul, and i need it like i need sleep. that most of the time, people won’t understand. and that is ok. that my intuition is becoming sharper and sharper. that living for me is exactly how it should be. that i miss academia, and grad school. that i love words, and writing more than i ever thought. that i’ve moved on. that i’ve come full circle. that it’s a process. that i’m moving forward. always.

mostly that i’m okay. i love, and hurt, and feel, and exclaim, and rest, and contemplate, and listen to my inner voice, and am. and that it’s all okay.

i am okay.

and in honor of just being ok with every crazy thing that makes up me, i’ll leave you with this… a song from my favorite ever band of life. with no shame. pure love.

‘im sorry,’ she said, ‘i know, i’m not the kind of girl you want… we’re falling, oh oh oh, falling falling down.’

just listen

crushing.

young hearts spark fire, all night. oh yea. oh yea.

i have a crush.

i don’t know him, really.

but, nonetheless, i hope to see him around.

crushes are weird. they are exciting, they give you hope, they add fun to everyday life. but having been single for so long now, and honestly, not having met many people in that so long that i would want to stop being single with, there is something scary about having a crush. like what if this goes somewhere? what would that mean? (spiral spiral spiral)

and i know it seems extreme that i’m even talking about this, especially because i don’t know said boy, but now is exactly WHEN i think about this stuff. because crushing, in and of itself, is fun. what is not fun is when something happens that is real enough to push that crush onto the 5 yrd line of the possibility zone. because then shit’s on the line. that is where something that is said or done could make or break it. ultimately, that is where rejection becomes factor. that is where a crush moves into a possibility of dating, or going on a date.

it’s kind of nice, actually having a new crush. but the thing is, i don’t know him. and when i think about getting to know him i get all weird and freaked about rejection. and this is all happening before ieven know him. because i meet so few boys that i crush on, the possible rejection that comes from a crush these days oddly holds a higher level of possible affectedness. meaning, that rejection holds more power than if i were meeting smart, handsome, funny boys all over the place every single day. it’s a numbers game. the less chances, the more value each chance acquires. therefore, just the thought of something making this crush move into the possibility zone is mildly paralyzing.

but, um, HELLO i am not going to let a chance at something good pass me by because of fear. that’s for sissy marys. but i am going to blab it all out here to get it out of me and move on.

because i don’t even know him.

but, neither does anyone i know. which is also nice for a change. avoiding the normal incest that comes with dating and my group of friends.

so i have a crush. and randomly thinking about this boy that i don’t know gives me hope that i’m not broken. i do know how to maybe be interested in someone in this city. cause it’s been a long time since that’s happened.

also, i love my neighborhood.

we used to dream, and now we worry about dying. i don’t wanna worry about dying… i just wanna worry about those sunshine [boys].

young hearts spark fire. japandroids.

furryfriends

after i decided to stay in tonight, i saw that jess had put these photos up on flicker.

this was a few weeks ago on a sunny saturday afternoon stroll down market street.

maybe, um, i should focus on a) real friends, b) that are people….?

either way. i love these photos. and my furry/creepy friends.

…and it comes with a goodbye.

i’d like to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of california stars. i’d like to lay my weary bones tonight, on a bed of california stars.

i’ve talked about my inherent need for travel. it’s like the spin cycle to my daily wash. i can live life without it, but i’m a big dripping sloppy mess. it clears my head, wrings me out, and leaves me fresh and clean for more daily use.

and most of the time, this travel includes some form of spending time with someone that i care immensely about. lately, that someone (or someones) live in the locale that i am visiting. as opposed to traveling to a locale with someone in which i care about and with which want to spend time. which means i get my fill of spin cycle rejuvenation, but it comes only at a cost of having to say goodbye. and though the cost of having to say goodbye does not outweigh the benefit of spending time, it’s still a little thorn in the heart that seems to be getting deeper and deeper.

mostly, i am blessed to have friends that live across the country. good friends. true friends. connected friends. i could essentially visit any (cool) place in the US and have a friend to visit, stay with, see, or at the very last resort, accompany me. and for a travel bug like me, this is more valuable than endless quarters to do my laundry.

i suppose it is the nature of those friendships that make me able to visit in the first place- good, true, and connected. but the relational foundation being so positive and important, means that there are equally as strong feelings of icky, false, and disconnection when leaving those friends.

and as i wrote about feeling alone last week, i looked forward to a thanksgiving week spent with the type of friends that are as close to family as friends can get.

but as the week came to a close today, i was ultimately filled with a sense of loss, and sadness to say goodbye. because the thing about friends as close as family is that they chose you. they chose to continue relationships with you, and therefore they chose to accept you. as you. if we are lucky, we are able to define family as people who accept us exactly as we are. but we do acknowledge that family is one of the most uncontrolled relationships in life. so, having friends as close as family denotes almost a higher (well, different) level of importance and acceptance. because, we could have chosen to disengage from that relationship anytime, unaccept the people with whom we are in friendship, and we didn’t.

therefore, seeing these ‘friends as close as family’ fills me up with hope and courage to continue being me, continue moving forward when it seems like no one cares if i move mountains or if i stand still. but this makes saying goodbye to those friends that much harder.

this year i am thankful for my connections across the nation, or world for that matter. thankful for those genuine times of goodness spent with people when i was not worried about being something else, or being misunderstood. or more importantly, when i was worried, and those connections solidified that there was no need.

i’d love to feel your hand touching mine and tell me why i must keep working on…so I’d give this world just to dream a dream with you on our bed of california stars.

california stars- billy bragg and wilco.

food coma

today was yummy.

cinnamon vanilla pecans.
cream cheese toffee pretzel dip.
gouda, havarti, sharp cheddar, jarlsberg.
homemade dill veggie dip.
homemade cheesy spinach and artichoke dip.

smoked (for 7 hours) turkey wrapped in bacon.
baked turkey stuffed with sage and oranges.
mashed potatoes with butter, cream cheese, and garlic.
mashed sweet potatoes with brown sugar, butter, with marshmellows folded in and sugared pecan crumble on top.
stuffing.
cranberry relish (my great aunt’s recipe).
cornbread with homemade (by me) honey butter.
vegan and gluten-free greenbean casserole.

trifle with angel food cake, whipped pudding, berries and powdered sugar.
pumpkin pie with all natural vanilla IC.
gluten and dairy free pear and cranberry crumble.

yum.yum.yum.