today i feel alone. and this series of thoughts that will eventually be called a post is going to be much more raw than most of the other posts this month. nothing new for me, or from me, but it does feel a little strange and open given the surrounding posts. but alas, i’m here writing, in theory, to myself, because i need to talk. i need to tell someone. and probably no one will get it. and that lack of understanding is more more digestible when i can’t see it. so this is going in writing, not speaking.
today i feel alone. that’s it. not lonely, though alone could include lonley. it seems that the more i work on myself, learning, growing, striving to be conscious and right, the more i feel alone in the process.
last night a friend said something to me that i’m sure was not intended to make me feel the most understood and, simultaneously, misunderstood i have probably ever felt. she said (in paraphrase), ‘it seems like your advanced knowledge of relationships, your subject and expertise, sometimes just comes back to get you because you’re more aware of everything than the people you have relationships with.’ and for a moment i felt understood in the catch22 that seems to be my life.
you see, because self awareness and the eternal search for growth and goodness is a purely personal thing, if the person with which you are interacting is not ready, willing, or aware of their own self, but you are, there is an instant impasse in the relationship. and then what do you do? you’ve identified that to be true to yourself and serve your higher purpose, a change needs to happen. but if that person is not at a place to accept your needs then it is up to you to make that change for yourself. which often leads to distancing yourself from that person. which then equals a) more aloneness, b) (most likely) a misunderstanding on behalf of the other, which probably then leads to some sort of negative energy passed. both of which feel icky. probably just like the thing that inspired the ‘need to change’ in the first place.
all of this leads me to the unsettling realization that the majority of us are operating, the majority of the time, strictly in defense mode and with unconscious intent. and when that is met with conscious intent the defenses spiral even more, smothering the purpose of that conscious interaction. yea it’s new agey in its wording, but there is really no other way to say it.
mostly what i’m feeling right now in life is a major lack of people and connections in my life that are focused on conscious intent and genuine care. even more unfortunate is that many of the people i have relationships with in my life are being driven by the autopilot mode of defense and project their perceived understanding and supposed ‘figured out’ thoughts of my life onto me. and what’s worse is that those projected defenses are false. because i was never even consulted in the decision making process. because, again, they may think that they know, but that mere fact (that they think they do) means they absolutely don’t. but since they are acting unconsciously, i am treated in response to what they think they know. and this seemingly unending cycle is utterly draining and distracting once you become aware of it. making it that much more difficult for me to be me, in a conscious state.
this makes me feel alone. in my process. in my own head. in my own life. in my own needs. all of it. and aloneness is a complex and tricky concept. it is calming and allows one to just be. but that okayness with self is constantly toeing the line of ‘wall building’ and shutting others out. which is, ultimately, a bigger problem because ‘walls up’ equal defenses which equal exactly that which you are trying to rid yourself. it’s like the mind and soul are unconsciously choosing, without your knowledge, the ‘if you can’t beat em join em’ mentality despite all efforts towards the opposite.
i’m choosing, consciously, to not go there. but that means that i am consistently navigating the terrain of ‘alone,’ testing the boundaries learning through challenge, difficulty and hurt where those lines are.
so today, i feel alone. and that’s it. i’m not trying to be ok with it. or identify if i’m not ok with it. i’m just trying to stay within the present. and most likely, you will not get this post. on a mental, logical level nor emotional spiritual level. but at this point that’s ok. because it’s not about you. and it’s not about needing you to understand. it’s about me. and feeling this. and being with complete and utter absence of concern for you. and your thoughts. your feelings. your projections. or your needs.