any day now, it’s alright, she’s standing on the precipice of big time. yea we’re just a couple small people squeezing out life, we need a little good time.
well, this is it.
30 days. a blog post a day. national blog post a day month. complete.
i did it. and things are, well, more calm. i don’t really seem to have anything more figured out. i bullshitted a little, i poured my heart out a little. i felt a little. and then a little more.
and, over all, i feel good about it. it’s interesting to look at where i was 30 days ago. staring at the same full moon that i am now. writing about, siiiiggggggghhh, feelings. i started sitting next to a pool twentythreehundred miles away, in new orleans, and finish sitting in my bed in san francisco. symbolic really. of a lot.
i guess this is what people that write in a journal feel like when they go back and read it. and i’ve only been doing it for 30 days.
i feel good. i wish i could blurt it all out here like a real journal. tell the ones i love that i do, and the ones that hurt me that they did, the ones i wish for in my life that i do, and so forth. but that’d be sappy. and i’m no sap. ha.
this month i’ve come to a place where i’m learning to feel. and just be ok with that. not have to know what to do with those feelings. i’ve learned that people often show you parts of themselves that they chastise in others, and don’t even know it. that sometimes, true friends (or what you thought were) have the ability to hurt you the most. that some people will think what they want about me, whether or not it’s true, well, when most likely it’s absolutely not. that i love my alone time more than ever. that sf is one hundred percent home. that i know more about relationships than i wish to and it haunts me. that i am waiting for you. that i’m still figuring it out. that getting uber geeky glasses has the opposite effect as i desired (total prep boys like em? when i just want to be not looked at). that i absolutely cannot live without the friends i’ve know for years, and know me the best. that travel is in my blood and soul, and i need it like i need sleep. that most of the time, people won’t understand. and that is ok. that my intuition is becoming sharper and sharper. that living for me is exactly how it should be. that i miss academia, and grad school. that i love words, and writing more than i ever thought. that i’ve moved on. that i’ve come full circle. that it’s a process. that i’m moving forward. always.
mostly that i’m okay. i love, and hurt, and feel, and exclaim, and rest, and contemplate, and listen to my inner voice, and am. and that it’s all okay.
i am okay.
and in honor of just being ok with every crazy thing that makes up me, i’ll leave you with this… a song from my favorite ever band of life. with no shame. pure love.
‘im sorry,’ she said, ‘i know, i’m not the kind of girl you want… we’re falling, oh oh oh, falling falling down.’