alone.

today i feel alone. and this series of thoughts that will eventually be called a post is going to be much more raw than most of the other posts this month. nothing new for me, or from me, but it does feel a little strange and open given the surrounding posts. but alas, i’m here writing, in theory, to myself, because i need to talk. i need to tell someone. and probably no one will get it. and that lack of understanding is more more digestible when i can’t see it. so this is going in writing, not speaking.

today i feel alone. that’s it. not lonely, though alone could include lonley. it seems that the more i work on myself, learning, growing, striving to be conscious and right, the more i feel alone in the process.

last night a friend said something to me that i’m sure was not intended to make me feel the most understood and, simultaneously, misunderstood i have probably ever felt. she said (in paraphrase), ‘it seems like your advanced knowledge of relationships, your subject and expertise, sometimes just comes back to get you because you’re more aware of everything than the people you have relationships with.’  and for a moment i felt understood in the catch22 that seems to be my life.

you see, because self awareness and the eternal search for growth and goodness is a purely personal thing, if the person with which you are interacting is not ready, willing, or aware of their own self, but you are, there is an instant impasse in the relationship. and then what do you do? you’ve identified that to be true to yourself and serve your higher purpose, a change needs to happen. but if that person is not at a place to accept your needs then it is up to you to make that change for yourself. which often leads to distancing yourself from that person. which then equals a) more aloneness, b) (most likely) a misunderstanding on behalf of the other, which probably then leads to some sort of negative energy passed. both of which feel icky. probably just like the thing that inspired the ‘need to change’ in the first place.

all of this leads me to the unsettling realization that the majority of us are operating, the majority of the time, strictly in defense mode and with unconscious intent. and when that is met with conscious intent the defenses spiral even more, smothering the purpose of that conscious interaction. yea it’s new agey in its wording, but there is really no other way to say it.

mostly what i’m feeling right now in life is a major lack of people and connections in my life that are focused on conscious intent and genuine care. even more unfortunate is that many of the people i have relationships with in my life are being driven by the autopilot mode of defense and project their perceived understanding and supposed ‘figured out’ thoughts of my life onto me. and what’s worse is that those projected defenses are false. because i was never even consulted in the decision making process. because, again, they may think that they know, but that mere fact (that they think they do) means they absolutely don’t. but since they are acting unconsciously, i am treated in response to what they think they know. and this seemingly unending cycle is utterly draining and distracting once you become aware of it. making it that much more difficult for me to be me, in a conscious state.

this makes me feel alone. in my process. in my own head. in my own life. in my own needs. all of it. and aloneness is a complex and tricky concept. it is calming and allows one to just be. but that okayness with self is constantly toeing the line of ‘wall building’ and shutting others out. which is, ultimately, a bigger problem because ‘walls up’ equal defenses which equal exactly that which you are trying to rid yourself. it’s like the mind and soul are unconsciously choosing, without your knowledge, the ‘if you can’t beat em join em’ mentality despite all efforts towards the opposite.

i’m choosing, consciously, to not go there. but that means that i am consistently navigating the terrain of ‘alone,’ testing the boundaries learning through challenge, difficulty and hurt where those lines are.

so today, i feel alone. and that’s it. i’m not trying to be ok with it. or identify if i’m not ok with it. i’m just trying to stay within the present. and most likely, you will not get this post. on a mental, logical level nor emotional spiritual level. but at this point that’s ok. because it’s not about you. and it’s not about needing you to understand. it’s about me. and feeling this. and being with complete and utter absence of concern for you. and your thoughts. your feelings. your projections. or your needs.

pick up lines gone wrong.

we are always running for the thrill of it thrill of it. always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it.

today i had a fabulous hayes valley brunch with ron. we had delicious la boulange while discussing life, love, creativity, work, goals and other awesome stuff.

we then sat in hayes green for at least an hour talking and remembering that saturdays are for exactly that: doing nothing, and being in the moment. preferably in the sunshine.

and then, for some reason we started talking about sarah palin. blech. and THAT lead to pick up lines gone wrong. (logical progression, right?)

so here are some of our favorites. they stemmed from terrible things to say, changing one word in a commonly known pick up line, getting the words mixed up, getting two or three separate pu-lines smooched together, terrible things to use as a pick up line in SF, and taking any pick up like three steps too far.

:::this one is how it all started::::

“have you read sarah palin’s new book?”

“do you know what going rogue means in the UK?”

“my name is ‘Ron’… should we keep talking, or just do this?”

“do you come here often? because, i love you.” (see also, insert i love you after everything)

“do you have a quarter? i told my wife i’d call her when i found the girl of my dreams.”

“those pants are becoming on you. of course, i’d becoming on those pants if i were you.”

“what’s your sign? virgo? not after i get through with you.”

“jesus may love you. but i’ll LOOOVVEE you.” (said in marvin gaye voice)

“those pants are becoming on you. i would be coming on your floor if you were on me too.”

happy saturday, ya’ll.

on and on and on we are calling out and out again. never looking down i’m just in awe of what’s in front of me.

addendum to original post, including additions from friends that read this original post-

“im not normally a supporter of interracial sex, but id be willing to make an exception for you.”

“didn’t anyone tell you about me?”

the thrill (feat empire of the sun). wiz khalifa.

iwannapuppy

waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnntttttt.

words. can’t get enough of people that know how to use them.

soooo. this nablopomo is beginning to wear on me ever so slightly. mostly because i don’t have enough intelligent stuff to say every night, cause i’m tired. i said it all in the day. at my job that pays me the big bucks to theorize, plan, create process, organize and manage. so at night, i’m just a little sleepy.

and i had my left over like date night butternut squash linguine from last night for dinner. carb and butter overload.

basically, all i need to say about what i am thinking is this: i need to date, love, marry a writer.

and if jason schwartzman wasn’t already my perfect mate, he is now. because anyone that questions my need to be with a writer has not seen bored to death on hbo.

and now, i must cancel my cable because the season is over. and i really can no longer justify paying all that money to watch friends, seinfield, the office, and everybody loves raymond reruns on tbs every night.

meanwhile, you can take writer to include song writer. cause, well, duh.

i’m here, mr. writer…right here, waiting. i laugh loudly, but you’ll get used to it, promise. come find me!

it is what it is. and it’s just instantly there.

and if you shake your heart enough, she will appear. tonight i think i’ll be staying here.

ok, so i know i promised you a super sleuth story. but, after a big huge date night like meal (cheese, wine, salad, wine, butternut squash linguine, wine, and some chocolate thing in a coffee cup that was like half cooked brownie mix, ie:heaven) i am in a food coma, which is affecting my patience for my own stories. alas,  my friends, the crime scene murder mystery will have to wait. ok, you’re right. not murder.

so, this ‘feeling’ thing i guess gets you somewhere. like, through things. embracing them has apparently made me move forward. not on, because well, that suggests like, getting over. and this is something (and i wrote someone just then, and had to correct. total freudian slip) i don’t want to get over. 

so yea, i’ve moved forward. and it is what it is. but this time, in a ‘i’m not putting up a wall’ it is what it is, ignoring feelings as a way to avoid disappointment, or heartbreak. but a different kind of is what it is. like a ‘it is what it is,’ forgot i wasn’t thinking about it way. like it pleasantly, and nondescriptly dropped off my list of things to remember to think about. and that was, nice. well, i didn’t even realize it really.

until this morning. when i got out of the shower, at 6:22 am, and *f*l*a*s*h* you were there. in my head. like, why? just there. in the front of my brain. and then i realize that 14 minutes earlier i awoke from one of those completely and utterly real dreams that later, when you remember it, you can’t remember right away if that memory was because it happened, or because you dreamed it.

and i sighed, embraced it, and kept going, kept moving. and proceeded to have a totally, outrageously busy day at work. meeting with my boss’ boss, employee year end performance reviews, 45 minutes total of non meeting time in ten hours, plus ninety five “must do today”s on my list kind of day. an life went on.

until in a double whamie kind of way jason schwartzman began singing to me on the burnt orange sunset drive home through berkeley while staring across the bay at my city. he sang, “for a second there i thought you disappeared. it rains a lot this time of year… and miss you, i’m going back home to the west coast. i wish you would have put yourself in my suitcase.”

and i forgot again, if you were right there, in the front of my brain, all over again because it happened, or it was a dream.

i felt, and therefore learned, two things today: the west coast is home. and it was a dream.

going back home to the west coast…

west coast- coconut records.