i am no wimpy scaredy cat.

you do me wrong now, my love is strong now…

at this moment in ‘history’ i feel like our society is dictated, in an unruly way, by fear. fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of inadequacy, fear of unimportance, fear of vulnerability, fear of success. fear.

and i honestly believe that we are here, in this societal place, because of a lack of love. i know, so naive of me. but it’s true. a lack of love for ourselves, and for others.

when we perceive that  lack of love, it only causes us to hold on to our love, and keep it for ourselves, and therefore not give it away. to anyone. perpetuating a lack of love for each other. which leads to more fear that we won’t be love by another, allowing us to justify further our clinging to our own love.

and all fear stems the same way. from a lack of perceived love. so what do we do? hold onto our love out of fear that a) we’ll have nothing if we give it away, and b) worse, that someone may not actually want it.

and now a days this seems to manifest itself in strong, successful, single twenty/thirty somethings choosing to stay single or to focus on their career, or to play it cool for love and connection. all stemming from a fear that they will not be loved.

recently, i made a decision to identify fear in my own actions as soon as possible, and to own it, and address it head on. overcoming a fear, of any size or importance is empowering, and actually creates self love, which ‘fills up’ our love levels allowing us to feel more comfortable giving it away. to anyone.

this past weekend i had three specific moments of fear identification. and i consciously addressed them. and it was hard, and well, umm scary. two of them were in regards to ‘goal achieving’ and one regarding ‘connection seeking’ (read: dating).

and it seems like the more valuable we perceive the item/outcome sparking fear the more fear it has the potential to create. because the cost of failure is the increased, potentially paralyzing us. because, if we don’t try, we can’t fail.

the moment i identified the fear in my response to a connection seeking moment this weekend, i realized something. i had unintentionally raised the value of a potential outcome (therefore fear) without even knowing it. in fact, it was by being true to myself and identifying feelings and showing them that i made the outcome of yet to happen actions worth an immense amount. more than an unoccured event deserves.  you see, to work on another huge part of myself, i have been trying to allow myself to actually feel things. not try and manage my feelings, but feel them and express them. so of course, what is the best way for me to do this? by talking about them to my friends. and in this particular situation, the feelings are of liking and ‘can’t wait to see what happens next.’ so through telling the story, and expressing my feelings, i now have a handful of close friends as invested in the outcome of that ‘not yet happened yet situation’ that is creating fear. ugh.

and thus today, when thinking about the scary part that i would play (putting myself out there) in this yet to happen interaction, i instantly became apathetic towards the situation all together. completely apathetic. about a situation, that a few people in my life know in excruciating detail, that i feel anything BUT apathetic.

and i said to myself, well maybe i’m over the situation all together and processed and moved on. how healthy of me.

and then i said, steph, that cannot be the case. because nothing, nada, ziltch, has changed in the situation to warrent the change in attitude towards it.

so why, then, the sudden apathy revelation? fear. fear unconsciously and sneekily, crept into a situation i previously identified as valuable, and started defending my self love in preparation for a possibly negative outcome of a high value situation. my unconscious was holding on to the love that i thought i would need to deal with the possible negative outcome (rejection), and trigger apathy.

but what about the possibility of a positive outcome of that high value situation, ms. unconscious? i completely eliminated it by preemptively  holding on to my love.

all unconsciously. all out of fear.

so i stopped myself from feeling apathetic. it was NOT easy. because the mind is tricky when it comes to self defense. and combating a subconsciously created feeling and replacing it with a vulnerability inducing feeling seems illogical in the name of self defense.

but there in lies the problem. self defense. we are all so scared of not getting the love we need that we put all of our energy into self defense. and holding on to what we’ve got. and we hold on to it. don’t give it away. spiraling the fear cycle.

so today i stopped myself. stopped myself from letting fear ruin my life.

because, contrary to cultivated ideas, i have tons of love. an unlimited supply, actually. because it comes from inside me. it’s not given to me by any one. therefore, no opportunity to ‘get love’ from another is any more valuable than any other. therefore, the only outcome in the situation i was scared about is a positive one.

so i’m going to do it. the scary this that creates electricity in my stomach thinking about it. because it’s all in the name of connection. and if it doesn’t happen i’m absolutely no worse off than i am right this second. but if it does, it could be infinitely better than right this second. how awesome is THAT?!

so present yourself to me, please, awesome opportunity full of potential to connect…. vulnerability awaits!!!

(note: please hold me to this. kay? thanks.)

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” -eleanor roosevelt

thao with the get down stay down. you’ve really got a hold on me.

connection with people that get it? yes, please.

You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones put the words in my head.

so far, twothousandandten is going pretty well. in a, holy hell my intuition seems to be spot on. all the time way. in an exciting, rejuvenating, energizing way.

the last little bit, plus some, of 2009 i was feeling, well… unconnected. with friends. life. goals. love. all of it. and i’m sure a full two week vacation had something to do with it, but it’s like i woke up in 010 (oh-one-oh) and instantly felt that spark for life again. connected. purposeful. hopeful. ready. and willing.

and immediately things started happening. well, i started making them happen. and planning for the year. planning for a really really good year. this is it.

and oddly, as universally connected things have been, two separate conversations left me thinking lately. wondering at what place am i on this twisty turny road of life.

this weekend i was having a conversation with someone that i don’t know very well. and this was almost the context for a ’small talk’/superficial conversation. you know, “hey how are you? happy new year, yea it was good. what are you up to the rest of the weekend…” and so forth. but the content of this conversation was real. and genuine. and actually about real goal setting and making things happen. in life. and refreshing and great.

essentially, the things i seriously get off on every single day of life. and i left the conversation, with someone that i don’t yet know very well, thinking… wait. what did i say? why did i say that? we were talking about planning for success in 2010, making things happen. but thinking about them and being strategic. not just going through the year hoping things will go well. and i said,” yep, it’s going to be a good year, but you gotta act for the universe to bring you what you want.” and he said (something like), “yea, but you have to plan it too.” and i said, “yea, plan and then act, you have to step out of the fear and just start doing, so the universe can deliver.” he, “right, but you have to think through what you want to do, or nothing will happen. you have to think about, and then act. not just go on without planning.” and then there was, ‘good luck planning 010.’ and that was that.

and i left the conversation thinking, wait. that’s so not like me. i sounded like just another person going through life unconscious of what’s happening around. just ‘act’ing. why didn’t i say, ‘yep, you have to think about stuff. and be conscious in your actions.” it’s like the concept of conscious acting just slipped my mind. ummm, WHAT?!

if i had to choose anything as my numero uno theme/life lesson of oh9 it would HAVE to be exactly that, CONSCIOUS ACTIONS. awareness of self and actions. so why, pray tell, was i so incapable of agreeing with his statement about planning, and being deliberate?

and last night, in another conversation with someone i don’t know very well, i said something else that immediately after made me say to myself, ‘wait a second i completely don’t believe what i just said.’ similar subject- understanding self and what works and balancing writing online with real life communication, preferably face to face.

so this is what i’ve come up with as reason for my uncharacteristic behavior. the universe loves me. and is listening, and providing me with exactly what i need in my life. people that get it. life, and connection, and action, and consequence, and risk, and goals, and dreams.

and after feeling pretty disconnected from life and people that last few months of oh9, i was so used to having to explain my new agey, be aware of who you are, and what you do, and make things happen for yourself mindset, that when i was speaking to people that got it i got confused and discombobulated in the conversation. not realizing that they were in the same place as i was. understanding the importance of the COMBINATION of thinking and acting. planning and doing.

also, it’s fun, and weird and crazy to be talking to someone that doesn’t know me very well, who is trying to explain to me the importance of thinking, and planning to make things happen. me! the think-a-holic! i’m so used to having to explain that not only do i think and analyze everything, but i act too! i act on things that i think about. and looking back on why i felt so unsettled after that conversation, so unlike i was able to express myself, i realize that it was because he already got it. the importance of the balance between thinking/planning and acting/doing. i didn’t have to explain the importance of one in compliment to the other. but i was so used to conversations going that way, i just enacted the routine unconsciously. whoa! talk about conversation/mindset shift.

maybe none of this made sense to anyone but myself. so i guess i’ll recap. i was left feeling oddly, uncharacteristicly, and probably unwarrantedly unsettled by my inability to communicate my actual thoughts and feelings on life, and self awareness and greatness in two separate conversations recently. and upon processing, i have come to the conclusion that i was assuming that they wouldn’t ‘get it.’ ‘it’ being how i think, what i feel, and my new agey theories on consciousness in life. i just assumed, and had the conversation as if the assumption were truth. because, i’d learned the hard way that it felt pretty sucky to think that someone got it, only to find out later that they didn’t. but little be known to me, i wasn’t giving the uni enough credit.

’cause these guys got it.

so, thanks universe. first, for the perspective. reminding me to stay conscious of what is, not what i think is. second, for sending me people that get it. i hope to see more of them.

(postscript. i had connections in late oh9. was just feeling disconnected in general. i’m clarifying to let you, my connections, know that you matter. then, and now.)

strength in my bones put the words in my head.

say anything. i want to know your plans.

the reset button has been tripped.

ok, so about 9months ago, on a rainy saturday afternoon my friend did something silly. after bullying me about joining match.com, and me refusing (no judgement just this, and this and this prove it’s not for me) repeatedly, he signed me up.
he created an account, filled out the profile with his best ‘me’ impersonation, included the requisites (ice cream, love love love, bike rides, parks, place pigalle, astrology, and laughing), uploaded photos from fb and that was that.
then he told me to go on it. that i’d like it. i’d get hooked. i was skeptical. and played around for a few days, logging in to see who looked at my profile. but after a while (read: two weeks tops) it just didn’t feel right. i wasn’t responding to any of the emails. because, well a) i hate formal dates, and b) i wasn’t interested in any of the guys. something like 35 emails, and none of them seemed right. and then i started to get down on myself. and blah blah blah remembered why i don’t do online dating in the first place.
i hate dating. in it’s formal and totally awkward sense. because, well, i have absolutely no idea how to act, and i focus entirely on making sure that everything is good for the other person, and i have extreme weird issues with the rules of a date like paying and making plans, and then um the goodbye. dear lord. it is all so whacky that i become some crazy cuke that looks like steph, sounds like steph, but is absolutely NOT steph. so WHY would i do all of that when the person i’m on some sort of set up date with would not even get to experience me?
also, i’m a sucker for words. i obsess. can’t get enough. so really, it’s totally crazy for me to be reading 75 perfectly crafted paragraphs written by you telling me all about you. because i like stories, and writing, and words, and meaning. so i’m all outta whack with my ‘into you’ radar right off the bat. it’s like excitement transferral.  i mean, let’s just say it how it is. most likely i don’t like you (sorry, it’s just rare that i like people, trust me, it’s worse for me, a curse in fact), but i like the fact that i am reading antagonizingly written prose. carefully crafted words.
so yea. for all of those reasons, i completely forgot all about match.com and my friend’s little experiment. until a few days ago.
i have no idea what made it pop into my head, but i remembered that silly day in march and logged in the account (that’s name is totally NOT wholesomemidwesterngirl sounding, ps.).
and i started spiraling through all of the same crazy thoughts that i tempered above. and then, before logging off, i decided to do a search. for men, in my area, with my physical, personality, educational, and recreational preferences.
and that’s when i got it. what i needed from the silly site. after perusing through the 200 profile photos and 20 word descriptions, coming up basically dry on anyone i’d even be interested in meeting, i remembered that all of these guys are out there ‘wanting it.’ believing in relationships, and dating, and looking for a “cute girl who I can hold hands with at the farmer’s market” or “Someone that I can make laugh and visa versa. Someone with a good head on her shoulders (keep up in intelligent conversations as well as goofy banter)” or “a woman that is charming, intelligent and beautiful, with a sense of adventure” or however else you want to say it. and they are trying. and going for it.
and though this realization didn’t make me change my mind whatsoever about the rightness, or lack thereof, that i feel about online dating, it did give me an overwhelmingly rejuvenating kick in my dating reset button for good old twenty ten.
so yea. he’s out there. waiting to serendipitously experience our meet cute. and with him i’ll get drinks. i’ll get dinner. i’ll go to a baseball game. i’ll go for a trip down the coast. i’ll get bi-rite ice cream and  spend the afternoon in the coffee shop reading. i will go on ‘dates’ that feel right, and know they’ve seen the actual steph. cause there is way more cuke to this girl than meets the eye.
so thanks match.com. not for any actual dates, but the refill on hope. and i’m ready, 2010, for whatever dating life you throw my way.

she led the modern sunset to your window, gestured with a plane jane hand, she said, “let’s go.”