i am no wimpy scaredy cat.

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you do me wrong now, my love is strong now…

at this moment in ‘history’ i feel like our society is dictated, in an unruly way, by fear. fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of inadequacy, fear of unimportance, fear of vulnerability, fear of success. fear.

and i honestly believe that we are here, in this societal place, because of a lack of love. i know, so naive of me. but it’s true. a lack of love for ourselves, and for others.

when we perceive that  lack of love, it only causes us to hold on to our love, and keep it for ourselves, and therefore not give it away. to anyone. perpetuating a lack of love for each other. which leads to more fear that we won’t be love by another, allowing us to justify further our clinging to our own love.

and all fear stems the same way. from a lack of perceived love. so what do we do? hold onto our love out of fear that a) we’ll have nothing if we give it away, and b) worse, that someone may not actually want it.

and now a days this seems to manifest itself in strong, successful, single twenty/thirty somethings choosing to stay single or to focus on their career, or to play it cool for love and connection. all stemming from a fear that they will not be loved.

recently, i made a decision to identify fear in my own actions as soon as possible, and to own it, and address it head on. overcoming a fear, of any size or importance is empowering, and actually creates self love, which ‘fills up’ our love levels allowing us to feel more comfortable giving it away. to anyone.

this past weekend i had three specific moments of fear identification. and i consciously addressed them. and it was hard, and well, umm scary. two of them were in regards to ‘goal achieving’ and one regarding ‘connection seeking’ (read: dating).

and it seems like the more valuable we perceive the item/outcome sparking fear the more fear it has the potential to create. because the cost of failure is the increased, potentially paralyzing us. because, if we don’t try, we can’t fail.

the moment i identified the fear in my response to a connection seeking moment this weekend, i realized something. i had unintentionally raised the value of a potential outcome (therefore fear) without even knowing it. in fact, it was by being true to myself and identifying feelings and showing them that i made the outcome of yet to happen actions worth an immense amount. more than an unoccured event deserves.  you see, to work on another huge part of myself, i have been trying to allow myself to actually feel things. not try and manage my feelings, but feel them and express them. so of course, what is the best way for me to do this? by talking about them to my friends. and in this particular situation, the feelings are of liking and ‘can’t wait to see what happens next.’ so through telling the story, and expressing my feelings, i now have a handful of close friends as invested in the outcome of that ‘not yet happened yet situation’ that is creating fear. ugh.

and thus today, when thinking about the scary part that i would play (putting myself out there) in this yet to happen interaction, i instantly became apathetic towards the situation all together. completely apathetic. about a situation, that a few people in my life know in excruciating detail, that i feel anything BUT apathetic.

and i said to myself, well maybe i’m over the situation all together and processed and moved on. how healthy of me.

and then i said, steph, that cannot be the case. because nothing, nada, ziltch, has changed in the situation to warrent the change in attitude towards it.

so why, then, the sudden apathy revelation? fear. fear unconsciously and sneekily, crept into a situation i previously identified as valuable, and started defending my self love in preparation for a possibly negative outcome of a high value situation. my unconscious was holding on to the love that i thought i would need to deal with the possible negative outcome (rejection), and trigger apathy.

but what about the possibility of a positive outcome of that high value situation, ms. unconscious? i completely eliminated it by preemptively  holding on to my love.

all unconsciously. all out of fear.

so i stopped myself from feeling apathetic. it was NOT easy. because the mind is tricky when it comes to self defense. and combating a subconsciously created feeling and replacing it with a vulnerability inducing feeling seems illogical in the name of self defense.

but there in lies the problem. self defense. we are all so scared of not getting the love we need that we put all of our energy into self defense. and holding on to what we’ve got. and we hold on to it. don’t give it away. spiraling the fear cycle.

so today i stopped myself. stopped myself from letting fear ruin my life.

because, contrary to cultivated ideas, i have tons of love. an unlimited supply, actually. because it comes from inside me. it’s not given to me by any one. therefore, no opportunity to ‘get love’ from another is any more valuable than any other. therefore, the only outcome in the situation i was scared about is a positive one.

so i’m going to do it. the scary this that creates electricity in my stomach thinking about it. because it’s all in the name of connection. and if it doesn’t happen i’m absolutely no worse off than i am right this second. but if it does, it could be infinitely better than right this second. how awesome is THAT?!

so present yourself to me, please, awesome opportunity full of potential to connect…. vulnerability awaits!!!

(note: please hold me to this. kay? thanks.)

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” -eleanor roosevelt

thao with the get down stay down. you’ve really got a hold on me.

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