i don’t wanna start a flame in your heart. i just wanna set the world on fire…
people often ask me why i’m qualified to give advice about dating and relationships, especially being single, (besides my BA and MA in interpersonal communication, and getting paid for specializing in adult education and coaching in corporate america) i usually respond that i don’t think of it as advice. i like to think of it as giving perspective. and coaching.
and then, only THEN, do i answer the “what advice would you give…” question. and it usually starts out exactly the same way.
it’s not about them. it’s not about what they think, feel, believe, want, need. it’s about you. it’s about what you want. and think. and feel. and need. it’s about figuring out those things first and foremost. but most people don’t want to start there. or know to start there. it’s easier to focus on the other. what he or she does, or doesn’t do. feels or doesn’t feel.
but you know what? the only things we can EVER really know for sure are things about ourselves. we think we know what they want, think, feel, believe… and even more inaccurately, we think we know WHY they want, think, feel and believe the things they do. but guess what. we don’t know for sure. in fact, we’re probably wrong most of the time.
for this sole reason, my advice to people is always always always begin with yourself. what are you feeling? why are you feeling it? where does this lead? because a) it’s the closest thing to the truth that we’ll know, and b) it actually EMPOWERS you to do something about the answers if you don’t like them. because they are about you. and YOU have the ability to change you!
people say that before you can love someone else you must love yourself. they also say that you should be single for X amount of time to really get to know, and understand yourself before you’re ready to be in a relationship. all of this stems from the exact same thing. we can only really know ourselves. but once we’re in a relationship we have this completely erroneous idea that we know what our parter thinks, feels, wants, and needs. and even worse, we either change those things about ourself to align with theirs, or we try and get them to change to align with us. and if this isn’t enough fun for you … it’s usually done unconsciously!! (wahoo!)
i was talking with a friend yesterday about my post on knowing your non negotiables. know how you feel, what you want, what you need and believe. and know which of those are not negotiable. will not change. should not change. cannot change. because they make up who you are. who you are proud to be.
to know your non negotiables, you must first find out everything about yourself. ok, maybe not everything. but a lot of stuff. and guess what. figuring out all that shit takes time. time with self. time with others. time processing. time focused.
but who has time for all of that?? not many. you’re right. which is why there are so many people unhappy in relationships. not really knowing what to do. because they’re focused on the relationship, or their other. not themselves. so guess what? they have no power. because they don’t control the other. they only have control over themselves. but they don’t know what they want. because they never figured it out before they were in a relationship. because that took too much time.
the tricky thing about knowing what you want and need- there’s no excuse not to get/have it. or find it. or demand it. it instantly holds you accountable for your own happiness (the ultimate reason no one wants to take the time; we hate being accountable for anything. our culture fosters a bunch of wishy washy finger pointers with intense commitment issues.)
so here i am. knowing that something needs to be done to get me back to my place of need/want/deserve in a certain relationship in my life. avoiding the hell out of doing exactly that something.
for a zillion different reasons, making sure that what is happening in this relationship and what needs to be happening for me is ridiculously difficult. because doing what needs to be done is in fact combating and overcoming a multitude of relational schemas that i’ve been working through for years.
and now that the issue is no longer an emotional one, and i’ve passed the period of saying what needs to be said because i’m reacting to an emotionally charged issue… it seems way easier to just put off doing it. saying it.
but guess who is the ONLY person affected if i don’t. me. so why the hell do i want to cop out… on myself!?!
cause it’s easier. but nothing will change if i don’t do what i need. i will continue to not get what i need. and continue to be unsatisfied.
so. ok. i’m taking control of my happiness in the relationship. and am going to have the conversation that i’m sure he doesn’t want to have (or even know is coming), and am positive that i want to have even less than he.
and i’ll be stronger after it. i will… i will… i willllll…
like honesty’s annoying most of the time, it’s better entertainment if you keep on lying.
born ruffians. retard canard. say it.