great lakes, great times.

i grew up outside of detroit. and the longer i’m gone, the more proud i am to call it home.

not many people who have never visited the city, or great mitten state would have any clue of just what a wonderful place it is.

detroit has the heart of a midwesterner, enough soul and groove to keep motown alive for centuries, and a little sass to keep things interesting.

i took this the night before i left town in july. i was driving from my dad’s house to my mom’s, staring at the sky the entire way. then i remembered that my camera was in the back. i pulled over along the 2 mile drive and tried my best to capture the feeling. this doesn’t even begin to instill the comfort and warmth of that moment.

went i was home for the week in july i decided to spend the day downtown taking photos. capturing what it is about detroit that consumes my heart.

i’ll post some of those, but right now i am craving this. this sunset. this 80 degrees at 10 pm. this warmth. and green. and homeness.

it’s about filling the funnel of life.

she said, “well, take off your sunglasses…” i said, “oh baby why don’t you take off your sunglasses.” she said, “i already have.”

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

keeping with the honesty, even if it’s scary.

you could say it’s my instinct, yes, I still have one. there’s no time to second guess it. yes there are things that i’m still so afraid of … but my courage is roaring like the sound of the sun.

here it is, what seems like the requisite “airplane ride home from new orleans processing life” post.

recently, i’ve had a few separate things happen which i described later as “not knowing how much i needed that until it was given to me.” and i’m sure this stems from working through my minor issues around ‘feeling’ and ‘needing.’ the thing about these silly issues that that there are two levels to actually work through. first, there is actually allowing and admitting to myself the feeling or need. second, the conversation about or expression of those needs and feelings with whom you hope to validate or fulfill them. and all of this plays out practically in my life as me trying to stop my ‘play it cool’ (ie: have no needs) attitude with people i care about.

that’s where getting something i didn’t even know i needed comes in this time: the initiation of a tricky, feelingful conversation that needed to be had (that i never would have actually had if not for his initiation). mostly because it was a conversation about a need (that i wasn’t allowing my self to need).

anyway, in this feeling centric conversation i reacted with my typical mode of operation: play it cool. i didn’t respond, in the conversation. i reacted. without conscious choice in the matter (i even thought, ugh, why am i saying this?). but in this conversation, my ‘play it cool’ flat out lie (to myself and him) was not taken at face value. it was actually met with understanding. and then i was called on my bullshit.

he didn’t take ‘play it cool’ as an option. and he called me on my bullshit in a perfectly kind and understanding way that actually allowed me to open up. and discuss my feelings honestly. and he cared enough to get to that point. he didn’t take the easy way out, initiate a conversation about needs and feelings because he knew it was the right thing- but then jump on any chance to end the conversation before having to discuss them. Read the rest of this entry »

“the dos tutorial isn’t fun?”

but i’m in so deep. you know i’m such a fool for you. you got me wrapped around your finger…

so i payed depaul university a whole hell of a lot of money to make me read way too much and force me to write paper after paper. thereby forcing me have multiple fits and breakdowns during many many finals.

and a few years later i said, oh four years of that wasn’t enough, i’ll go back and do it again for two more. with quadrupole the reading and writing expectations, for a low low price of 50% more than the first time.

at least i have a piece of paper on the wall now that calls me a ‘master.’ i mean, honestly, that’s cool.

my point is, and my my mother will be the first to tell you, that grad school writing was the bane of my existence, and caused many a late night breakdown session filled with questioning how i’d ever finish the ninteyfivepage paper that was due the next day. and here i am, nearly two years after being handed that piece of paper, desperate to write as often as i can.

even crazier, desperate to explain, theorize, categorize, and rationalize every single thing that happens in life through writing. i am officially an academic geek.

i had this realization (and acceptance) when i spent entirely too long this week examining my fake character movie crushes of the mid to late nineties.

it started when i read a very funny, and um, oddly thought provoking piece of writing, which discussed some of the greatest movies from my child-to-adolescence-hood. one of them being camp nowhere.

i loved this movie. and drew’s post about it sparked instant memories with their associated feelings. and my mind started spiraling into analyzing those memories. i specifically remember watching it in like 5th or 6th grade on new years eve while i was babysitting. and i remember crushing so so hard on mud. and then i remembered that i felt like i was supposed to like andrew kegan’s character. but i just liked mud. the geeky, small, long haired idea man (kid). and i began to think that this was probably some pretty heavy foreshadowing on ‘life’s’ part.

i then began to think about all the other childtoadolescencehood crushes i had.
nick from ‘my girl 2′ (same year) (same long hair)- shyer kid that falls for the independent, determined, mind made up well spoken vada.
john baker from ‘boys’- (long, less mullety, hair) shy geeky prep school boy changed by the mysterious mature patty (winona ryder) who shows him that he can stand up to his dad and be a man.
josh in ‘clueless’- um, uber geek college boy that wears flannel, can’t dance, and is a smarty that is going to be a lawyer.
cameron in ten things i hate about you- yes, i had a crush on joseph gordon levitt over heath ledger. the dorky, adorable boy who, shocker, was in love with the totally hot popular girl and said things like “and i’m back in the game!” when she pays him an once of attention.
mark in ‘empire records’- goofy nerdy guy that is not the hot dude the chicks want. giggles a lot.
preston in ‘can’t hardly wait’ (ethan embry round 2)- not popular guy that has fallen for the prom queen beauty, writes her love notes and gazes longingly towards the sky when he hears a song with her name in it, and honestly cannot imagine life without her.
max fisher in ‘rushmore’- duh, long haired geek that is overly involved in school and falls, yet again, for a completely unavailable woman (teacher) and wholeheartedly believes his life will end without her. goes to great lengths to do things for her so that she will like him in return.

ok. you get the point. from these i pull out a few major themes that have proven to translate perfectly to my life as a dating adult.
i like boys that fall for girls that are opposite of me (read: popular prom queen beauties) (i’m also not saying they wouldn’t like me, but they have no idea what to do with someone like me) (the older i get the more i rid myself of this one, phew).
i like boys that are smart and geeky. period.
i like(d?) long hair. hey it was the 90s. and oh so cute. and let’s be honest, i’ve been more than interested in more than one guy in my adult dating life that has had as long, or longer hair than me. (i can only explain this by directing attention back to the fashions of the mid to late 90s.)

before i started writing this i tried to really think about why it is that i go for the geeky type. now, this being a blog, and me living in san francisco and being friends with about a gazillion tech industry people, the geeky thing is probably not even confusing for a lot you. but for everyone else, yes, i have been trying to figure out the geek thing.

and then i realized. i don’t have to. it’s all right here, ENACTED in the movie that sparked all these thoughts. mud and gabby make a pact that they will only date ex geeks when they actually start dating. because only exgeeks will really understand them.  bingo, understanding. common ground. i wouldn’t call myself a geek when i was young. cause that doesn’t fit. but i definitely wasn’t the tall skinny popular blond cheerleader that all the boys pined for. um no. i knew who i was, and wasn’t afraid to show my uniqueness… in a world where that makes you very misunderstood. so that’s why i go for the geeks. because not being instantly understood in life builds character. and strength. and self-acceptance. so by the time said geek is an adult, geekiness is pretty darned attractive because it goes hand in hand with self-understanding, strength, acceptance and respect for difference. whoa. i just pulled all of that from a crush on jonathon jackson in 1994.

(veryvery long sidenote: after making the pact to only date exgeeks they have a moment where they ’shake on it’ and realize their feelings. and watching that as a way too old to admit this adult, i seriously get giddy watching them go through that moment of butterflies. cause THAT is what dating is all about. that moment of butterflies when you think the other person feels it too, and you aren’t sure what ‘it’ really is, but know that you like it, and want to feel it more. yea. we forget about that stuff as adults that drink too much and have important stuff like paying bills and opening mail that’s piled up for 4 weeks to do. we forget the good old fashion butterflies. hop straight to the good old fashion banging. watch it 7:50-9:50. it’s perfect. the best two minutes of well, right now.)

which leads to the second main theme pulled from my childhood movie crushes. that i (still) have a thing for boys/men/guys that swoon. that show it. that believe in relationships and love. i’ve discussed it before, my obsession with married men (because they BELIEVE in love and commitment and relationship), but this just goes to show how deep and far back this thing really goes. my overall obsession with guys that SHOW their swoon. show their infatuation. write it in letters. express it through music. talk about it out loud.

so there you have it. a lot of words to come to two conclusions that had already been made. well, at least i’m consistent.

in related news, im semi ecstatic for the new TNT tv show with ray romano called ‘men of a certain age.’ i think this also highlights my over the top interest in adult mens’ relationships and getting to hear and analyze their thoughts and emotions towards those relationships.

until next time, i remain single. and watching movies from fifteen years ago. having a crush on a 14 year old boy. um, intervention?

do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

linger. the cranberries.

crushing.

young hearts spark fire, all night. oh yea. oh yea.

i have a crush.

i don’t know him, really.

but, nonetheless, i hope to see him around.

crushes are weird. they are exciting, they give you hope, they add fun to everyday life. but having been single for so long now, and honestly, not having met many people in that so long that i would want to stop being single with, there is something scary about having a crush. like what if this goes somewhere? what would that mean? (spiral spiral spiral)

and i know it seems extreme that i’m even talking about this, especially because i don’t know said boy, but now is exactly WHEN i think about this stuff. because crushing, in and of itself, is fun. what is not fun is when something happens that is real enough to push that crush onto the 5 yrd line of the possibility zone. because then shit’s on the line. that is where something that is said or done could make or break it. ultimately, that is where rejection becomes factor. that is where a crush moves into a possibility of dating, or going on a date.

it’s kind of nice, actually having a new crush. but the thing is, i don’t know him. and when i think about getting to know him i get all weird and freaked about rejection. and this is all happening before ieven know him. because i meet so few boys that i crush on, the possible rejection that comes from a crush these days oddly holds a higher level of possible affectedness. meaning, that rejection holds more power than if i were meeting smart, handsome, funny boys all over the place every single day. it’s a numbers game. the less chances, the more value each chance acquires. therefore, just the thought of something making this crush move into the possibility zone is mildly paralyzing.

but, um, HELLO i am not going to let a chance at something good pass me by because of fear. that’s for sissy marys. but i am going to blab it all out here to get it out of me and move on.

because i don’t even know him.

but, neither does anyone i know. which is also nice for a change. avoiding the normal incest that comes with dating and my group of friends.

so i have a crush. and randomly thinking about this boy that i don’t know gives me hope that i’m not broken. i do know how to maybe be interested in someone in this city. cause it’s been a long time since that’s happened.

also, i love my neighborhood.

we used to dream, and now we worry about dying. i don’t wanna worry about dying… i just wanna worry about those sunshine [boys].

young hearts spark fire. japandroids.