“the dos tutorial isn’t fun?”

but i’m in so deep. you know i’m such a fool for you. you got me wrapped around your finger…

so i payed depaul university a whole hell of a lot of money to make me read way too much and force me to write paper after paper. thereby forcing me have multiple fits and breakdowns during many many finals.

and a few years later i said, oh four years of that wasn’t enough, i’ll go back and do it again for two more. with quadrupole the reading and writing expectations, for a low low price of 50% more than the first time.

at least i have a piece of paper on the wall now that calls me a ‘master.’ i mean, honestly, that’s cool.

my point is, and my my mother will be the first to tell you, that grad school writing was the bane of my existence, and caused many a late night breakdown session filled with questioning how i’d ever finish the ninteyfivepage paper that was due the next day. and here i am, nearly two years after being handed that piece of paper, desperate to write as often as i can.

even crazier, desperate to explain, theorize, categorize, and rationalize every single thing that happens in life through writing. i am officially an academic geek.

i had this realization (and acceptance) when i spent entirely too long this week examining my fake character movie crushes of the mid to late nineties.

it started when i read a very funny, and um, oddly thought provoking piece of writing, which discussed some of the greatest movies from my child-to-adolescence-hood. one of them being camp nowhere.

i loved this movie. and drew’s post about it sparked instant memories with their associated feelings. and my mind started spiraling into analyzing those memories. i specifically remember watching it in like 5th or 6th grade on new years eve while i was babysitting. and i remember crushing so so hard on mud. and then i remembered that i felt like i was supposed to like andrew kegan’s character. but i just liked mud. the geeky, small, long haired idea man (kid). and i began to think that this was probably some pretty heavy foreshadowing on ‘life’s’ part.

i then began to think about all the other childtoadolescencehood crushes i had.
nick from ‘my girl 2′ (same year) (same long hair)- shyer kid that falls for the independent, determined, mind made up well spoken vada.
john baker from ‘boys’- (long, less mullety, hair) shy geeky prep school boy changed by the mysterious mature patty (winona ryder) who shows him that he can stand up to his dad and be a man.
josh in ‘clueless’- um, uber geek college boy that wears flannel, can’t dance, and is a smarty that is going to be a lawyer.
cameron in ten things i hate about you- yes, i had a crush on joseph gordon levitt over heath ledger. the dorky, adorable boy who, shocker, was in love with the totally hot popular girl and said things like “and i’m back in the game!” when she pays him an once of attention.
mark in ‘empire records’- goofy nerdy guy that is not the hot dude the chicks want. giggles a lot.
preston in ‘can’t hardly wait’ (ethan embry round 2)- not popular guy that has fallen for the prom queen beauty, writes her love notes and gazes longingly towards the sky when he hears a song with her name in it, and honestly cannot imagine life without her.
max fisher in ‘rushmore’- duh, long haired geek that is overly involved in school and falls, yet again, for a completely unavailable woman (teacher) and wholeheartedly believes his life will end without her. goes to great lengths to do things for her so that she will like him in return.

ok. you get the point. from these i pull out a few major themes that have proven to translate perfectly to my life as a dating adult.
i like boys that fall for girls that are opposite of me (read: popular prom queen beauties) (i’m also not saying they wouldn’t like me, but they have no idea what to do with someone like me) (the older i get the more i rid myself of this one, phew).
i like boys that are smart and geeky. period.
i like(d?) long hair. hey it was the 90s. and oh so cute. and let’s be honest, i’ve been more than interested in more than one guy in my adult dating life that has had as long, or longer hair than me. (i can only explain this by directing attention back to the fashions of the mid to late 90s.)

before i started writing this i tried to really think about why it is that i go for the geeky type. now, this being a blog, and me living in san francisco and being friends with about a gazillion tech industry people, the geeky thing is probably not even confusing for a lot you. but for everyone else, yes, i have been trying to figure out the geek thing.

and then i realized. i don’t have to. it’s all right here, ENACTED in the movie that sparked all these thoughts. mud and gabby make a pact that they will only date ex geeks when they actually start dating. because only exgeeks will really understand them.  bingo, understanding. common ground. i wouldn’t call myself a geek when i was young. cause that doesn’t fit. but i definitely wasn’t the tall skinny popular blond cheerleader that all the boys pined for. um no. i knew who i was, and wasn’t afraid to show my uniqueness… in a world where that makes you very misunderstood. so that’s why i go for the geeks. because not being instantly understood in life builds character. and strength. and self-acceptance. so by the time said geek is an adult, geekiness is pretty darned attractive because it goes hand in hand with self-understanding, strength, acceptance and respect for difference. whoa. i just pulled all of that from a crush on jonathon jackson in 1994.

(veryvery long sidenote: after making the pact to only date exgeeks they have a moment where they ’shake on it’ and realize their feelings. and watching that as a way too old to admit this adult, i seriously get giddy watching them go through that moment of butterflies. cause THAT is what dating is all about. that moment of butterflies when you think the other person feels it too, and you aren’t sure what ‘it’ really is, but know that you like it, and want to feel it more. yea. we forget about that stuff as adults that drink too much and have important stuff like paying bills and opening mail that’s piled up for 4 weeks to do. we forget the good old fashion butterflies. hop straight to the good old fashion banging. watch it 7:50-9:50. it’s perfect. the best two minutes of well, right now.)

which leads to the second main theme pulled from my childhood movie crushes. that i (still) have a thing for boys/men/guys that swoon. that show it. that believe in relationships and love. i’ve discussed it before, my obsession with married men (because they BELIEVE in love and commitment and relationship), but this just goes to show how deep and far back this thing really goes. my overall obsession with guys that SHOW their swoon. show their infatuation. write it in letters. express it through music. talk about it out loud.

so there you have it. a lot of words to come to two conclusions that had already been made. well, at least i’m consistent.

in related news, im semi ecstatic for the new TNT tv show with ray romano called ‘men of a certain age.’ i think this also highlights my over the top interest in adult mens’ relationships and getting to hear and analyze their thoughts and emotions towards those relationships.

until next time, i remain single. and watching movies from fifteen years ago. having a crush on a 14 year old boy. um, intervention?

do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

linger. the cranberries.

crushing.

young hearts spark fire, all night. oh yea. oh yea.

i have a crush.

i don’t know him, really.

but, nonetheless, i hope to see him around.

crushes are weird. they are exciting, they give you hope, they add fun to everyday life. but having been single for so long now, and honestly, not having met many people in that so long that i would want to stop being single with, there is something scary about having a crush. like what if this goes somewhere? what would that mean? (spiral spiral spiral)

and i know it seems extreme that i’m even talking about this, especially because i don’t know said boy, but now is exactly WHEN i think about this stuff. because crushing, in and of itself, is fun. what is not fun is when something happens that is real enough to push that crush onto the 5 yrd line of the possibility zone. because then shit’s on the line. that is where something that is said or done could make or break it. ultimately, that is where rejection becomes factor. that is where a crush moves into a possibility of dating, or going on a date.

it’s kind of nice, actually having a new crush. but the thing is, i don’t know him. and when i think about getting to know him i get all weird and freaked about rejection. and this is all happening before ieven know him. because i meet so few boys that i crush on, the possible rejection that comes from a crush these days oddly holds a higher level of possible affectedness. meaning, that rejection holds more power than if i were meeting smart, handsome, funny boys all over the place every single day. it’s a numbers game. the less chances, the more value each chance acquires. therefore, just the thought of something making this crush move into the possibility zone is mildly paralyzing.

but, um, HELLO i am not going to let a chance at something good pass me by because of fear. that’s for sissy marys. but i am going to blab it all out here to get it out of me and move on.

because i don’t even know him.

but, neither does anyone i know. which is also nice for a change. avoiding the normal incest that comes with dating and my group of friends.

so i have a crush. and randomly thinking about this boy that i don’t know gives me hope that i’m not broken. i do know how to maybe be interested in someone in this city. cause it’s been a long time since that’s happened.

also, i love my neighborhood.

we used to dream, and now we worry about dying. i don’t wanna worry about dying… i just wanna worry about those sunshine [boys].

young hearts spark fire. japandroids.

interest and power. we’ve forgotten why we’re fighting.

we’ve been walking sideways, waiting for the cold days. finding strength in numbers, on the ocean floor.

lean mean thirteen.

it’s friday night, and i’m at home. alone. and was loving it. until 20/20 came on with a segment of true honest to goodness crazy old cat ladies. then i started to fall victim to thinking about what i am supposed to be doing because it’s friday. then i turned on music and shut out the ’supposed’ to thoughts.

i’m happy where i am. in bed, with laptop, tv on mute (for company reasons only), indie folk playing, alone, in my studio apartment in sf. the only thing that would make this better, ok, well i guess THAT was the wrong way to start that sentence, as a zillion things entered my head. try again: the one not so ok thing with this moment is my upstairs neighbors that are ruining my life with their hardwood floors, no rugs, three dogs, wooden shoes, constant vacuuming, unnecessarily loud conversations, and 95 people living in a 14×15 ft room. phew, got that out of me.

either way, i’m ok. with life. and right now. in fact, i’m good. and thinking about love.

a girlfriend of mine had a date this week, that she thought went really well. and was waiting for him to text, or call, or contact. and i suggested that maybe she text him. and she said that she’s always the one to contact, and this time she wasn’t going to. and i was right there with her. for quite a while that was me. and we are very similar. so i told her i got it. and then she retweeted something on twitter in response to me, that really really got me thinking. she said @stephdub RT Dating Tip: He who calls more has the most interest and the least control. I can’t say it enough…let HIM call YOU!

and i had some weird sort of view of myself, from what seemed like years ago, but in reality, i don’t know when this girl left. but that tweet made me realize it was for real. my immediate response was enlightening.

you see, i realized that it seems like, in dating, in big cities, as successful smart attractive intelligent people, we have forgotten the real purpose of dating. well, at least what i think a lot of us want the purpose to be. to meet someone with whom we connect.

it has turned into such a game. a game of power, and control, and winning. but that has really just manifested from loneliness, and missed connections, and longing. i want it. i want that someone that i connect with, to be here, with me in sf. she wants it too, to be with her. and so on.

we get so wrapped up work, and life, and success, and winning, that we forget to stress the importance, and allowance of opening up, and making ourselves available for connection. i say we as in society, not her, nor me, individually. we place so much pride and value on success and power, and the way to get that is through rationale and strategy. we have completely devalued, and thereby, disallowed any sort of emotions and feelings, in space where feeling are what are supposed to be leading the way. winning the game.

maybe it’s all this feeling i’ve been letting myself do. maybe it’s a recent reconnection that reminded of its value. maybe it’s seeing someone i care about go through the exact same thing that i am. maybe its longing. maybe its hope. maybe its trust. maybe it desperation. but i want to remember now, the purpose of dating. to meet someone. to connect. to laugh. to share. to support. to enjoy. to embrace.

let’s get back there. together. maybe, yea?

we’re thinking with our brains, we’re living in our veins, we’re swimming in our skin, grinning through our pain. here we go.

tiger tamer. arms.

it’s not really about you, or you. but you think you know.

there really ain’t no difference, in michigan and maine… if you ain’t here to see this, i’m missing just the same.

open all night (seveneleven)

so i have 61 minutes to write this. until it’s tomorrow. and there is so much i want to say. and so much i can’t, in a public forum. for two main reasons. one, she will think everyone will know. two, he will know.

and mostly, he should know. a friend of mine, that i ran into at the bar in my neighborhood (place pigalle, <3) said to me tonight, “steph… what?! you have to tell him. he has to know. i mean, from all the advice you give……. he has to know.” and that probably sums up my dating life post B. cause in my last serious relationship, in a schema fitting way, I was the needy one. what?! i know. i was independent, and self able, and that didn’t matter. for the reason that we fit each other’s bad relationship habits, he treated me like i was needy. so what am i now (or was until self enlightenment through blogging as therapy)? the one that plays it too cool. the one that is not allow to say what, and how, and why, most importantly, exactly when.

so, i’m working on that. the feelings part. and then, ugh (even harder) the telling of the feelings part. so yea. i feel good about my progress.

the second thing, though, is that i have realized (in the same capacity of listening to my intuition, even when it’s confusing) that other people’s opinions, and thoughts, and concerns, and ‘perspective’ (yes, in quotes) is really only relevant when balanced with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. or any one’s.

what this really leads to is this- only the two people involved really, truly, know what is shared, felt, and exists in the relationship. therapists, and enlightened friends can offer advice, and suggestions, and perspective…all they want. but the only people that know what is right, are the two in the relationship.

and more often than not, other people’s thoughts, concerns, opinions… they are wrong. they absolutely do not have the whole story. but, nevertheless, they will entice you to spiral into questioning yourself, your relationship, your relationships that they have nothing to do with, and ugh.

the only people that know are you and them. he and she. she and he. she and she. he and he. enough is enough.

and in an environment where people love to talk, but also be incestuous… i learned the hard way. well, people that spiraled far far past anything that they knew, or had to do with… you were way off. way, way off. see second paragraph of this post, ok. it has nothing to do with anyone you know. or think you know.

i’m too scared to ask the right questions, and too tired to fill the right shoes. so i’ll take advantage of the blues.

the blues- jason isbell and the 400 unit

one. step. at. a. time.

attempting to discover… where to begin. you’re weighed down, you’re full of something… you’re underneath it all.

lucky number seven.

this week has been interesting. you’ve clearly seen how, um, introspective i’ve been, just through my writing. i guess that’s what vacation/traveling does for me. when i go to nola, it’s like…times a million. and i’ve mentioned that i’m at this odd moment of life, where i feel more in line with who i am, and who i am supposed to be than ever. and i’ve had almost ‘looking on from above’ experiences of breaking relational patterns that are not good for me. and i’m in a such a moment of life where everything is perfect. and messy. and raw. and uncertain.

and all i’m trying to do is make it. one step at a time. actually, what i’m trying to do is be ok with only going one step at a time. you see, my writing, my reading, my studying- it all adds up to me putting this immense amount of pressure on myself to implement the things i know about relationships into my own life. it’s like “the shoemaker’s children have no shoes” syndrome. but the opposite. i figure that because i’ve identified a relational pattern, or schema, without the help of a therapist, then i must figure out how to get over that pattern…instantly.

and sometimes, like i’ve said, i get to the point where i know why i am there, and what got me there, but not really what to do about it. and more importantly, i know what i need to do moving forward in relationships… but what about the ones i already have? the ones that were created with the not so healthy relationship patterns? how i do say to those people, “oh, you just filled an unhealthy need in my life that i have realized is unhealthy, and i can’t and don’t want to do this anymore,” when they are not in any place to realize that i probably filled the same pattern for them?

well, either way, i’ve been very introspective this week. in a very ok with lots and lots of alone, figure it out, time. for example, i’m writing this day’s, saturday’s, blog post at 11 pm. because today i did exactly what i needed. i spent a lot of quality time with a few select people that i knew would get it. because, as i begin to figure it all out… i realize that some of the people in my life don’t quite get it. get that i want to figure it out. or that there is more.

and this week i was able to pull myself away from the situation, life, and mostly, others‘ relational issue projection and just be ok. with me. myself.

this month is probably boring some of you. a blog post a day about steph finding herself in a much less analytical, much less rational and theoretical way. it’s much more… messy. and i’m trying to just be ok with that. so you should too. one day, you’ll be able to say, remember when she was a mess, writing a blog a day about new agey nonsense trying to find herself? look at her now.

hoping a better place is all i need, with moments of innocence and mystery. oh it’s the little things you miss, like waking up, all alone. it’s the little things you miss, when you’re underneath it all…and all your friends seem like enemies when you’re broken down and empty…

waiting. city and colour.