“you’re kind of waking up emotionally right now…”

most nights are crystal clear, but tonight it’s like you’re stuck between stations…on the radio.

i think i need to keep this short. i’m in a flurry of thoughts and not feeling able to super process.

mostly, right now the ‘embracing feelings, not managing them’ thing is making me feel sad and in no control and empty in my heart. it will pass. i’m sure.

i’m listening to my astrology reading from last month to give a little guidance and this is what my astrologer said, “right now, how you feel is who you are. it’s not that you’re really moody right now. but your moods are controlling your outlook.”

when he said this 6 weeks ago it meant nothing. now i hear it. and he just said, “you’re kind of waking up emotionally right now.”

i think that’s it for now. trying to process. i’ll trying some libations, a birthday party, and the musical stylings of the ghost and the city at bottom of the hill. after all, it is friday night.

you’re pretty good with words…but words won’t save your life.

Stuck Between Stations- The Hold Steady

embracing feelings, not trying to manage them.

roll, up your sleeves for winter, and i can wait till summer, when you’re warmer. roll, up your sleeves we’re heading for winter i know, the nights will get colder. and i’ll make my bed, make sure i’m all fed and asleep, and wake when we’re older.

day 4.

and i have tons to say. i think #nablopomo is like therapy or something. or making me feel blabby. or less of a need to be relevant. oh well.

so, i’m bad with feelings. i think that’s where i left off yesterday. i’m good at getting to the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ about feelings. but always want a ‘but then what?’ and i think the thing about feelings is that there isn’t always a ‘then.’ because that is a rational and systematic brain to thing to assume. i assume there is a then. if a then b = c. but i think think you’re supposed to just have them. and that’s it…?

another thing i’m bad at…no, scratch that. i was bad at… for the last few years of my adult life i’ve been realllllyyy working on boundaries. and being in control of how others’ actions make me feel. and how and what i do to react to keep my expectations in check. but unfortunately, as with all new self awareness findings that i want to work on about myself, i usually go to the opposite extreme, in the beginning to deal.

so in a very unlike me way, in an attempt to keep my boundaries, i have prematurely shut down towards people that i think would ultimately become in a position to hurt, disappoint, or get too close to me. ie: i could see myself not getting what i need from the relationship.

and mostly, since my dating life has been oh so not interesting lately, this has been with friendships. because i constantly had to learn the hard way that, after communicating my needs or wants in a relationship (friendship too) if they refuse, or can’t give it to me, it does NOT mean that i just don’t get it. but it DOES mean that i’ll have to be the one to make the change in the relationship so i that am not continually hurt/disappointed.

well, in an attempt to manage my own expectations and disappointments i think i forgot about about the fact that the other person may actually come through, or be able to, or want to give back.

and recently, i was a little taken aback by someones reciprocity. in the best way ever, obviously.

and i am using this as an opportunity to learn how to balance the expectation and disappointment game. instead of just shutting down and reverting back to, “whatever, it is what it is. play it too cool, steph.”

i’m just embracing the feelings. and not trying to manage them. but i sure am weary of this fine line i ride between feeling and receiving back, and setting myself up for spiraling emotions that only i am to blame for.

i’m watching you, feelings, emotions and stuff. i’ve got my eye on you.

stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm,  stay calm, stay calm. stay calm. stay calm. keep warm, keep warm, keep warm.

“Roll up your sleeves”- We Were Promised Jetpacks

letting the nice guys in

baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts

back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.

i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.

but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.

don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.

therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.

but i have acknowledged that this is not healthy. and recently have even had conversations with a girlfriend about how refreshing it is for her to be dating someone that is nice, and gentle, and LIKES her. and tells her. and compliments her. and ALSO allows her to be her.

and then, while in the midwest, i had a weekend filled with a nice boy (again, i try to avoid at all costs talking about one person in particular in my writing, especially if they read… but i’m making exceptions today, hoping he will understand). and it was like having an out of body experience. he said nice things. compliments. was kind and caring. and i felt it was genuine. and i know it was. but i just couldn’t fully embrace the things he said. i know that he meant them, which is more than i can usually believe, and i wanted to allow myself to feel the way one is supposed to feel when they are with a nice fun cute caring boy/girl that they have a lot in common with, but i couldn’t feel. maybe it is because of my affliction for having a connection with boys that live far away, and the accompanying resolution to not go there anymore. maybe i’m jaded. maybe i’m stubborn. maybe i’m broken. i’m not sure.

but this boy. he said things that i hear in movies and dream of having said to me. nothing over the top. the normal things that nice, cute normal boys say to girls they like. it’s pathetic, but after dating

the not nice guys it is these NORMAL, not over the top, things that i dream of having said to me. and here i was, this weekend, hearing them. and feeling calm and thankful and enjoying my time with this boy. but it was like i had this screen door protecting me. like i would let the nice things come in with the breeze but the door was locked so ultimately he could not come inside. (mind you, he lives far far away so, in this case, the screen door’s purpose was served).

it just got me thinking. i am a hopeless hopeless romantic. but i think deep down, i don’t think that all the things that come with romance will ever be mine. like i don’t deserve, or need them. and it seems as though my psyche is ok with that. i just don’t expect them to happen to me. (therefore, in the way the universe works, they will never actually come to me).

so what now. well, first. thank you. nice boy. you know who you are. and you have unknowingly opened me up a little more. helped me walk closer to the screen door. and provided me with a few of those off the cuff but honest movie lines that i will replay in my mind for a long time to come. second, umm… i’m not sure of what comes next…

and even though we’re free from the evil communist party, my mother she still makes believe that heaven is far from her heart

start the relationship slowly, for both our sakes

i know there’s little things about me that would sing in the silence of so much rejection in every connection that i make

this post has been screaming to be written for a few months, and full circle-ly, the person who inspired these thoughts some 3 months ago, presented this idea to me in question form last week. so as life usually bestows itself quite blatantly to me, i am listening and writing…

its interesting, when you’re a player in the dating game, no matter who you are, you meet people quite regularly. possible suitors, if you will. and probably ninety-five percent of the time one of the two of you are not interested, and it goes no where. but in your dating life, there are those people that sneak in sideways and blindside you with an instant connection. and if all goes well (and when does that really happen in dating?!) you begin a happily ever after life together. but, for most of us, it starts with a phone call, a text, a discussion of the next time we see one another. and its with these people that the next time usually occurs as soon as physically possible, because, well, theres a connection- and who wants to let that sit for even a second?

so you dive right in. into wanting to know everything there is to know about them. into seeing them every possible second life will afford you. into laughs and glances, histories and dreams of the future. and its amazing.

and this usually lasts, ehhh, about two weeks. and then life sneaks up on you and demands the attention that you have not been giving it. and for whatever reason life tends to snap one of the two of you out of it sooner than the other. and then not only, do you have to divide your attention between life and connection, but you’ve got to play catch up on the life you’ve, so diligently, been ignoring. so instantly, finding time to ‘hang out’ with your connection is nearly impossible… but you want to so badly, of course. so you make plans either- in the hopes of being able to keep them, or out of the naivete that life will force you to work hard for love. and you break them. because, well, you’re still playing catch up. and usually, this happens more than once.

and there you are, two people with a connection, at an invisible crossroads- instanly this has gotten more real, less fantastical. its work to hang out, its difficult to plan schedules, your friends are wondering where you are, giving you a hard time because you were gone for weeks (half in a magical state of connection and half in a catch up on life period). and logically, life and friends win over new, now energy consuming, possible new boyfriend or girlfriend. i mean, what kind of chances does that spark have to grow in those kind of conditions?

so, i’ve decided, that is why taking it slow matters. dating is rough. and getting back into the game after a timeout (relationship, if you will) is even rougher. so when we find someone we connect with… we grab on to it. and swan dive right in, in hopes of making it work. when, unfortunately, that swan dive is the asbestos of that relationship- silently, tastelessly, smellessly, killing all chances that relationship has of living.

taking it slow is kind of like a realistic job preview. putting all the terms of life out there so that you and the other are absolutely positive that it is what you think it is, and it is something you do actually want to get into. its saying- listen, my life demands this, this, and that of me. and i will juggle and arrange for us, but those things are not going away.

as unmagical and unfantistical as it may be, taking it slow and omitting the swan dive is like stepping back and looking at the situation rationally. easy for me to say, right?

you wish that you could tell him that its all okay, but you feel a little shy these days, cause everybody goes away.