she said, “well, take off your sunglasses…” i said, “oh baby why don’t you take off your sunglasses.” she said, “i already have.”
good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.
partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.
it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.
you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.
well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.
you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.
she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”
now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.
so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.
so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!
yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.
i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.
i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3
i’d like to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of california stars. i’d like to lay my weary bones tonight, on a bed of california stars.
i’ve talked about my inherent need for travel. it’s like the spin cycle to my daily wash. i can live life without it, but i’m a big dripping sloppy mess. it clears my head, wrings me out, and leaves me fresh and clean for more daily use.
and most of the time, this travel includes some form of spending time with someone that i care immensely about. lately, that someone (or someones) live in the locale that i am visiting. as opposed to traveling to a locale with someone in which i care about and with which want to spend time. which means i get my fill of spin cycle rejuvenation, but it comes only at a cost of having to say goodbye. and though the cost of having to say goodbye does not outweigh the benefit of spending time, it’s still a little thorn in the heart that seems to be getting deeper and deeper.
mostly, i am blessed to have friends that live across the country. good friends. true friends. connected friends. i could essentially visit any (cool) place in the US and have a friend to visit, stay with, see, or at the very last resort, accompany me. and for a travel bug like me, this is more valuable than endless quarters to do my laundry.
i suppose it is the nature of those friendships that make me able to visit in the first place- good, true, and connected. but the relational foundation being so positive and important, means that there are equally as strong feelings of icky, false, and disconnection when leaving those friends.
and as i wrote about feeling alone last week, i looked forward to a thanksgiving week spent with the type of friends that are as close to family as friends can get.
but as the week came to a close today, i was ultimately filled with a sense of loss, and sadness to say goodbye. because the thing about friends as close as family is that they chose you. they chose to continue relationships with you, and therefore they chose to accept you. as you. if we are lucky, we are able to define family as people who accept us exactly as we are. but we do acknowledge that family is one of the most uncontrolled relationships in life. so, having friends as close as family denotes almost a higher (well, different) level of importance and acceptance. because, we could have chosen to disengage from that relationship anytime, unaccept the people with whom we are in friendship, and we didn’t.
therefore, seeing these ‘friends as close as family’ fills me up with hope and courage to continue being me, continue moving forward when it seems like no one cares if i move mountains or if i stand still. but this makes saying goodbye to those friends that much harder.
this year i am thankful for my connections across the nation, or world for that matter. thankful for those genuine times of goodness spent with people when i was not worried about being something else, or being misunderstood. or more importantly, when i was worried, and those connections solidified that there was no need.
i’d love to feel your hand touching mine and tell me why i must keep working on…so I’d give this world just to dream a dream with you on our bed of california stars.
broke his own heart, poured it in the ground, big red tree grew up and out, throw up its leaves, spins round and round.
ok, you know those songs that you hear, usually on the radio or at a place in which you do not control the music, and they make you instantly in the moment. like nothing else matters. like nearly thirty years of life just hit you right then. and you are soaking it in. and don’t want it to end. you know those songs?
i heard one of them last night. and since then i have just been in love with my moment. because, really, the feeling that started during the song hasn’t left.
it was 7:37pm, i was at bevmo in carlsbad california with @tjferrara and his father. after working a busy day at work, i had flown from san francisco to the orange county airport, was scooped up by tj, and within 6 minutes of getting in the car i was watching ‘the carter documentary’ about lil wayne in the front seat of his prius. an hour and a half later we were at the grocery store, meeting @tiffanyleonard and tj’s parents (in from detroit). ten minutes later i had departed with the men and at bevmo we arrived.
after wandering with the snarky tjferrara in search of his pops, we arrived at the wall of pinot noir. and i heard this song.
and everything was put into perspective. here i am. in my life. living in california. spending thanksgiving in california. without my family. blood family. feeling like if i couldn’t be with my family, i couldn’t really imagine being with any other people than tiffany and tj. and tj’s parents. because i have known them for so long, they might as well be family. and yea, we that have moved away from ‘home’ often say that our friends are our ‘family,’ but this is for real. genuine love, acceptance, fun, laughs, and ‘this is the grown up life we used to talk about in my bedroom while staying up late in middle school.’ we are adults. and will always be in each other’s lives. and someday, i won’t be the single third wheel asking tj if he has any single male friends that are his clone. but until then, it’s still just perfect.
this is what the holidays are about. living that adult life that you used to imagine when you were in middle school. with those people that you care for and love like family. that aren’t going anywhere.
a wake up call to a rented room sounded like an alarm of impending doom. to warn us it’s only a matter of time. before we all burn.
it’s funny. ten days from now will mark my one year san franniversary. one. whole. year. one year since i left everything i loved in search of adventure, newness, and ultimately, love.
and here i am. one year later. coming down from the whirlwind that was the last 12 months. but there is something funny about where i stand right this moment in life. people ask how in the world i moved across the country to a city where i knew no one but the person whose couch i would be living on (whom i had previously met only twice before.). how did i meet people? was it hard? how did i quit my job and leave all security? how could i afford to be unemployed for months and months? wasn’t it scary not knowing anyone? and when asked these questions i would answer in the only way i knew how – no it wasn’t scary. i felt like it was something i had to do. meeting people came oddly easily (and hell have i been lucky with the friends i’ve come up with so far). being unemployed was difficult for what it was- unemployment in a recession. but it was exactly what i needed to do for me.
so here i am, in the come down period. the settled in my own apartment working for the number 3 best fortune 500 company to work for with a great group of friends and stability period. but, well, here’s the thing. stability isn’t something i really place much value on in my life. cause in the last month, the most stable and unwavering month in the last 12, i’ve been in a rut. many things have contributed to this down period in my life. a few of which i have now identified and of which i will proceed to give you a detailed description.
as you can see in my archives, sf different from chicago. different from everywhere. in so many ways. and i have had to navigate these foggy bay waters by using the only method i know- talking about my experiences. and gathering perspective. and as often is the case, sometimes an outside perspective can be much more insightful, understanding and um, validating. this past weekend i got all of those things after a long and grounding conversation with a friend that was in town visiting. he and i talked… and he ‘got it.’ whatever ‘it’ is about sf that makes me feel like i am on a roller coaster riding the peaks and valleys of life and love in this city.
san francisco: the social experiment of the nation (i absolutely cannot take credit for the most brilliant analogy this side of the mississippi, for @ryanmcminnis the genius that helped me articulate this theory.) san francisco is filled with some of the most brilliant and innovative people in the world. we (and i say we not to call myself brilliant but a) to not point a finger, and b) for sake of ease) are socially five years ahead of everyone. i mean come on- every social networking site is based here. we get to test the new hot site, adopt it, obsess over it, and ultimately affect our relationships in a zillion ways we do not care to contemplate before smothering every part of our lives with it. all before oprah’s done any endorsing. because by the time anything has oprah’s stamp of approval we, the proud citizens of san francisco, have participated in the clinical trials. allowing the founders of the new and innovative social networking site to adjust for optimal performance. thereby making it usable for the everyday non san franciscan american.
so here is what i have found. about me. about my friends. about my dating life. about living in one big social experiment. i let myself slip into this weird isolating place of social awkwardness. i met this amazing group of friends and i got to know them, and showed them who i was. and became close with all of them. all of which was followed by following them on twitter, and becoming friends on facebook, and seeing what they chose to tumble everyday, and you know… participated in the trials. so i was seeing my friends all the time when i was unemployed. for the obvious reason- i had a lot of time on my hands. but also, because an important part of successfully moving across the country is building new relationships and that takes effort. so i put in all this effort. and made a huge group of amazing friends.
and then i got a job. a job where i defy all san francisco logic daily- i get to work before 7am. thus putting the ca bash on the very alcoholcentric weekday social life i had grown accustomed to. which is fine. i like my job. though, unconsciously more than my foursquare check ins and alcohol consumption levels were dying. so was the authenticity of my relationships with my friends. but i had no idea. because i was following their every move on twitter and facebook. cause they are my friends, and i genuinely cared about what they were doing. and if i couldn’t be there to experience it with them cause i had to rise at 5:30am, then i’d ‘follow.’
but i got to the point where i stopped wanting to make the effort to go out to meet people, even when it did fit into my schedule. i stopped wanting to make the effort to go hang out with my friends. what? i mean, that doesn’t make sense. but i began to focus on how awkward it would be to see them and have nothing to talk about. and why wouldn’t i have anything to talk about? because i’ve been following their lives digitally, and them mine. and i ‘knew’ everything they were doing… so there wouldn’t be anything new to talk about. because seeing my friends at the bar turned into seeing passing acquaintances. by following their every move online i was taking the connection out of our friendship. i was going through the motions. and i found myself with all these good friends that TURNED superficial because of social media sites.
this is the opposite of what people usually talk about when they talk about ‘friendships’ on the internet. they say, “do you even know those hundreds of people you are friends with on fb, or following on twitter.” “you can’t know them all, those must be superficial relationships…” well. i did know them. and had the false sense of continued friendship when i stopped seeing them in person because i was seeing them online.
so, for a million reasons i took some time off from the digital. and reevaluated my life in the analog. hence the 6 week long posting hiatus here. and here is what i’ve come up with:
i like my friends. i like them IN PERSON. and i like TALKING to them about what is going on in their life. not (just) reading about it online. i don’t care if i have to hear it twice.
also, i thrive on meeting new people. i am at my best in any relationship before twitter handles are exchanged and facebook friendships accepted. because connection and common ground are being sought… not merely maintained.
and as for my dating life. i need to keep it analog. i need the energy and excitement of face to face connection. i need to have no idea what you did all week because i want you to TELL me about it. i don’t want to read it. believe it or not, i want to TALK with my friends. and potential boyfriends (uh, what are those again? yea, that is the status of my not so love life).
so. here it is. a million aggregated thoughts on where i’ve been the last 6 weeks, how i got there, and where i am going from here on out.
but it takes more than one person, so everyone jump on
clearly we like our friends. we like them for being who they are. that’s what friendship is. appreciating our friends for everything they are, positives, areas of opportunity (hello corporate america) differences from ourselves and everything in between. this is why our friends usually last though the roller coaster ride that is the twenty/thirty something dating life. we look to them to give their rational opinion of the people we date, and often really listen to what they have to say. and if we are lucky, the people we date, become friends of our friends. they fit in, and our protectors accept them and life is good.
but before we get to the point where a significant other makes it through to ‘friend’ status, we usually put our core group through quite a bit of shenanigans with all the people we date. and i wonder, do we expect too much of our friends and their support and effort through OUR navigation of the dating process? well, ok, i expect a lot of my friends in general. so maybe i’ll rephrase. why is it that we are so quick to put our friends- our support system- in unfair, confusing and difficult positions while we are dating?
let me explain. we start seeing someone, and usually we see them one on one for a while (while we get to know each other) and then comes the friend introduction. this is usually a very important step in the dating game. we introduce this person to our friends for a multitude of reasons. 1. we are excited about this new suitor and want our friends to know the person that we think is so great. 2. we want our friends’ opinions- because, honestly, they do a much better job of staying rational about judgement on who is good for us and who is not once we get emotionally involved with a datee. 3. we want our datee to know our friends (our support system, our family) because our friends DO mean so much to us, and we love them for all they are. 4. but ultimately, we want our friends to make our datee feel as loved, welcomed, awesome, and supported as they make us feel.
and that is a lot to ask of our friends. friendships are hard. sometimes even more so than romantic relationships. they take energy and effort and emotional work. so to ask our friends to just accept a new friend into the group because we ’said so’ (in our emotionally and ‘carnally’ influenced state) is a large request. and often, because our friends want us to be happy, they oblige. and usually, the beginning of this friendship with the datee is not easy. it takes work. effort to get to know the datee, what their interests are, what their background is, etc. basically, the friends must play the dating game on a non romantic level to get to know everything there is to know about this new person. (and we all know how HARD dating is with someone we are ROMANTICALLY interested in)
so, as friends, we put in all this work and effort because we love our friend. and they deserve to be happy. and we want to do anything we can to increase their chances of being happy (read: entertaining the revolving door of datees that comes through). and during this process we usually don’t get to see our friend without the datee, cause that is how the early stages of dating are. and we go with this because we would rather see our friend than not, even if it means that we have to see their datee too, and put in work and effort.
so here comes the unfair part. we expect our friends to put in all this effort to get to know, and hang out with the people we are dating. and then we break up, or change how we feel about the datee, and expect our friends to just break up with them too. and this is understandable, at certain levels. but, obviously, this gets really tricky when the datee is around for any particular amount of time. because we get used to having them around. we have put in the effort to create a friendship, and then are expected to just ditch all the efforts because the emotional/carnal needs/desires/feelings of our beloved friend have changed.
it just seems like a lot. and i feel like it is unfair. now, don’t get me wrong. i have no IDEA how this could go any differently. and i love my friends, and usually have no terrible judgement on who they date (and if i do, its rational and i tell them), but stepping back and looking at the situation rationally gives me this weird ‘oh my gosh why is it like this’ feeling.
dating is hard. friendships are hard. because anything worth anything takes effort. but it seems like we expect our friends put SO much effort into OUR dating lives- all while they are trying to navigate through their own dating lives. and i mean. they do this to us too. but, i just feel like there has to be an easier way! why all this effort?!
i guess it all comes down to the fact that we love the people in our lives, and because of the nature of love, we put them through hell, and expect them to do the same. what is WITH our crazy human brains?!
wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…
so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.
and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell.
so i try to live my life conscious of what i’m doing. being wholly present, if you will, at each moment. and the last, well, year of my life i have been conscious of not getting into a dating situation with anyone. i had a great fun summer with some summer lovin’ and then it was time to get serious with life. i was working full time in corporate america and going to grad school full time (and then some) and there was no way i would let myself date someone, screw up school, and then beat myself up for it forever. so there i was, taking months off drinks, spending quite comfortable saturday nights with ice cream and a movie, waking up early sunday to actually get things done, and it was nice. i felt caught up on life. i wasn’t going to the bars hoping to meet or see a cute boy just to wake up with a hangover, and maybe a phone number that would never amount to anything. i was living solely for me. and it was, to say the least, exactly what i needed, for me. i learned to love myself, and focus my energy, and i began to honestly not care what other people thought of me (a huge struggle for me for my whole life, and probably still to come).
so. in this past year, dear god, i have become wholly me. i have learned to trust my instinct, i have truly understood my place in the world. i have left everything i have ever known or loved and moved thousands of miles away. i have been openly vulnerable for the last eight months and have incurred a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and accomplishments. and here i am. coming down from all of it. and, honestly, coming down from it is almost more overwhelming than living it. i now have a bedroom, i have more than that. i have space to myself, i have amazing friends who love, embrace and support me, i have a goal, a dream, a vision, a drive, and the ability to get there. and, for all of this, i am ever grateful to the universe.
but as this all comes together, there is something teeny itching my brain. i’d like to meet someone. someone to share this with. someone to laugh with. someone to, god, date. so, my predicament- the same as everyone- who? what? where? when? how? why?
and as i sit and begin to admit that my entirely too independent for my own good, communication freak, relationship loving, crazy analytical, new age, emotional self would like to meet someone i have NO idea where to even start. look at all these theories i have postulated. i believe them! so where does that leave me? let’s recap: a) i need to date someone that i have a connection with, a friend, but i usually don’t know that until i am deep into friendship; b) i am very expecting, i expect you to get me, or want to, and be open to learning and growing with me; c) i have issues with judgement, and if i feel as though you are judging me i say peace out; d) i am (apparently) (and unbeknown to me until recently) unbelievably honest, and this honesty is ummm apparently overwhelming for those unprepared for it; e) adding to the honesty: i write a relationship blog, an honest one, and as brought to my attention by many, the thought of being a subject or component of this blog is a little… nerve-wracking; f) i write a relationship blog!- 1) this supposed to make me an expert, and 2) no one wants to get into something with an expert if they themselves feel like they are going to be called out for not knowing something; g) after two and a half years has accumulated since my last ‘relationship’ … i’m scared. of everything. of losing myself. of losing everything i have realized over the last year. of everything i’ve made for myself. of everything yet to make for myself.
so there. i’m stuck. and i don’t want advice. in fact, if you know me well enough, please don’t try to tell me your thoughts on the about vulnerability inducing statements. i just, honestly, need to release this. say you hear me, say you understand. let there be no ‘buts’ or convincing statements why i shouldn’t care, or feel this way. i’m not sad, i don’t need sympathy, or advice, or help getting through this. i work independently (except for writing) on this one. i just need to release it. and work through this millionth and one catch 22 that i have realized about my life and love.
…oh geography is gonna make a make a mess of me, my mouth – a confessional cannon- run away from me with the most reckless of abandon…
after numerous reminders of how small san fran really is, especially in regards to the dating scene, i began thinking about a few of my nutty theories. and all of a sudden something came to me and it seemed so obvious that i can’t believe i never really put it all together like this before. i supposed it could even be considered an aggregation of a few older posts.
so i have felt, for a long time, that it seems logical that friends would date their friends exes. and this never really goes over well. so i took it back a few notches, and decided that when groups of people are merged and initially two people are drawn together and it doesn’t work it should not really mean that everyone else in the group is off limits. because we all hang out for a reason, and that means we are similar and if it just so happens that one night at a bar two people are in a position to start talking that doesn’t mean that they are going to be the best two in the group to date. and so, in attempt to not limit our options, we should not look down upon dating someone that someone we know has dated (long term relationships mostly excluded)
i’ve also identified that, personally, i have to be friends with someone prior to getting romantical with them if it is actually going to last, or if i want it to. therefore, i can be pretty sure that if anything romantically physical happens before we are really friends (ie: boy at the bar, or party, first date etc.) we are not going to date seriously. now this gets into much deeper sociological issues with our culture but- obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that i don’t meet boys at the bar or ‘date’ them. because, well, we need attention, in all forms. and if we meet at a bar it usually means that we are physically attracted to each other – so who better to get attention from than someone we are attracted to? so i personally get into these situations knowing that they will not lead to anything serious, and enjoy them for what they are- some fun and attractive people hanging out regularly with some attention involved.
and then it hit me. the combination of these two concepts is so logical and present in real life situations and is so rational.
so the situation- you meet a guy/girl at a party/bar. you’re attracted, and probably a little ‘relaxed’ from cocktails, and you begin giving each other romantic attention. this could lead to ending the night at one of your houses, or meeting up another night while at the bar, or both, and so on. but it is usually socially based (friends around), with adult beverages involved and physical motivators. it is what it is. we all do it, and we’ve all done it.
now, some of these ‘relationships’ (for a very loose definition of the term) last for one night (the initial meeting) and some may last a few weeks, or may even be ongoing for more than that. but the characteristics of the situation remains the same – socially based, alcoholically induced, physical attraction and attention.
so, the longer it goes on the more the ‘friends’ get involved. mostly to lessen the awkwardness of the situation, really, the friends begin to question you about you- who you are, what you do, what you want to do, your hobbies, likes, dislikes… etc. and since you are physically involved with their friend there is no pressure, or judgement. neither of you really has anything to lose. so you open up, there are no stakes attached to the relationship. and its just honest getting to know one another… you are creating a connection based friendship… duh dun duh (see where this is going?)
so, we’ve instantly got a logical arithmetic equation for dating-
= logically wanting to seriously date/have an actual relationship with the friend of someone you have ‘physically’ and not seriously dated.
hmph.
as always- now what? so you and so and so’s friend now have this real and honest connection but you’re the girl/guy that so and so hooked up with. making you, honestly, much less umm… yea. so what are the next steps? are there any? or are we just forced to let go of the honest connection and chance at something good, because we wanted attention from someone we were attracted to at a bar one night however long ago.
are we just constantly sabotaging ourselves(myself)?! i’m beginning to think that it’s possible…
there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last
this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.
the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).
but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.
and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.
its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded.
so, a good portion of the population fall into this one particular dating category. the guys and girls that date their partner for more than a few years, usually starting pretty early on in their dating life. these are the relationships that, for obviously reasons, are the ones that we put on a pedestal and compliment and expect to get married and be perfect. and they are the couple that just has it. and they usually start off awkward and unsure of themselves as people. and they encourage one another, and grow together. and honestly (i know this may not go over well) in our society, i think in these relationships (hetero for this theory) the girls get the winning end of the deal.
i feel as though the girls in these relationships are provided an, otherwise unavailable, safe space to grow, and really become everything they have the potential to be. physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. i feel this way because, if you’re not in one of these 4,5,6,8 year long relationships at the beginning of your dating life, as a girl, you are continuously and actively combating all the things that society is throwing your way. and, unfortunately, your main focus is not allowed to be your own growth and you are certainly not encouraged by our american society (read media) to embrace and love who you are. (now of course there are different benefits that these girls acquire (thank god for me)).
so now this lady has had a chance to really grow and become a truly phenomenal women. and she is graced with the honor of a guy who loves her and tells her and encourages her to grow and love herself. and it is a win win, because lady is amazing, and guy has helped create that and thus gets the benefits of being with an amazing woman. which all fosters the even more fantastical and romantic love relationship that everyone sees… adding to the image of the perfect couple.
and then it hits her (and i know this is going to be though to digest because it is more negative and like i am side picking than i usually like to be while analyzing, but bear with me and i’ll turn it into a positive). so it hits her. she’s amazing. and she’s spent her whole dating life with the same guy. and what if there is someone better? (weighing the options). so, logically, she begins to think about what life would be like not part of this couplehood she has always known. and she’s curious, and of course she can’t get married without knowing. so she has options, and each girl follows a different path of exploring options ( a. breaking up- admirably explaining to her guy that she just needs to explore, b. emotional cheating- exploring while still in the relationship, and finding something/one else to connect with on a mental/emotional level, c. physical cheating- i’ll be honest, a seeking out of attention in the form of sex, or d. emotional and physical- i think we get it.
so now what are we left with. the good guy, who has fostered an environment for her to become everything she realized she is, alone. with no thank you. and usually some major heartbreak. cause, of course he is a good guy, and has embraced love.
so my dig a little deeper obsessive analysis of this is, quite simply and majorly- a whole hearted thank you. my heartfelt gratitude to the good guys. the guys that are clearly overlooked, but definitely the holders of the short stick in the entire dating world. (yes, i know that is a big statement.) you are the life blood of hope, and growth, and beauty and love. and there is absolutely nothing that could top what you give to us. you give love, and embrace imperfection, and nurture, and what do you get? sorrow and heartbreak. we, the dating community, overlook all this and do not say thank you, because we have so much hope and without a doubt confidence that you will most certainly find someone else, and she did not deserve you anyway, because you are a good guy. but i think we overlook this natural and amazing quality because we think that it is just that, natural and average. we focus on the unusual. but why shouldn’t you be rewarded for something that may be natural? or acknowledged, or thanked.
come and join us in the trenches, red and purple by our side.
while drinking and (obviously) talking about dating/relationships with a fabulous new friend last night i started mentally examining my dating life again. and i found my thoughts traveling down a road they have followed many times. ultimately, it ended with the same ‘road closed-under construction’ sign. and it reminded me, that i never finished hashing out my friends of the opposite sex catch 22.
lets refresh and think back about what makes this a catch 22. i began examining the concept that i might actually be sabotaging my dating life with the propensity i have for a high quantity of male friends. and with the help of some perspective (comments) i realized that a) the guy friends that i surround myself with are smart and intelligent and value me and my womanhood for much more than the possibility of sleeping with me, and b) all my ex relationships (the real ones) started with friendship (real connection based friendship)- uh oh.
so what does this mean? hmm where to begin. i guess i’ll begin with the why factor. this is the easy and rational part. why did all my relationships begin with friendship. i guess you could say i’m old school. i believe in connection and intimacy (emotional, mental, and then physical). i’m also very expecting of my friends/boyfriends. i also have issues around being vulnerable and needy. those issues + expecting = it takes a lot for me to trust you (read: connect and become intimate). so, if it is not already OBvious ;), this means that friendship acts as the vehicle that transports me to my end destination: trust and connection. and i find that this is just good. its like friendship (since moment one) lowers the stakes of putting myself all out there. cause, if you don’t like what i’m brining to the table as a friend (a person)- then cool, we won’t be friends. i mean, when do we associate the term ‘rejection’ with friendship… not often. whereas with dating, we play the same ‘get to know you, put yourself out there game’ but if the other person doesn’t like what we bring to the table, then it is just sucky, and rejection. and no matter how high your self esteem, enough rejection will affect you. so there we have it. the why behind my prerequisite of frienship prior to boyfriend/girlfriendness.
now, the trickery of said prerequisite (which, now that i think about it, could actually be considered to have the same side effects as purposefully avoided rejection…hmmm). since this friendship connection usually takes a while to grow, the following questions are a must to consider: when and how do you then move the relationship from friendship category to romantic/dating category? and how do you know if the other one is even interested in taking it from one to the next? how do you know you want to move to romance? and what do your other friends think about it? is is possible they saw it coming/growing? is it worth the risk of not working and losing such a good friend? does physical attraction diminish after being friends for so long? and, once more for emphasis, when and how do you initiate this relationship transformation? mind you, all of these ‘must consider’ questions i am always unable to answer.
and honestly, its not like i’m thinking about all this throughout the growth of friendship. basically, i wake up one day, deep into the friendship, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that i want to be more than just friends. and because its been unconsciously building up for all this time, i hits me HARD.
therefore, i find myself in a situation that is paradoxical to the ‘high stakes get to know you dating game’ conundrum – the “high stakes this could ruin something good how do i know how he feels without telling anyone how i feel?” game. basically, if the decision is made to go for it romantically, then it becomes an all or nothing situation. because once i have identified that i want it to be romantic, there really is no going back (the ultimate guys and girls can be just friends death sentence is when one wants more than the other).
so what the hell do i do now? just when i thought i wasn’t unconsciously undermining my dating life…
