it’s about filling the funnel of life.

she said, “well, take off your sunglasses…” i said, “oh baby why don’t you take off your sunglasses.” she said, “i already have.”

good ole 010 started by me saying thank you to the UNI… and having my dating button reset. and since, things have been, well, amazing.

partly because of my 2010 mott0: just say yes.

it’s that simple. my bff and i have decided to live a life of joy, fun, and spontaneity by just saying yes to anything that we are hesitant about. just say yes. if there is ever a moment of hesitation, just say yes. that’s what life is about.

you see, this bff and i met one fateful lord’s day last spring, and in ‘very true to every moment of our friendship’ fashion we met at the park on easter sunday on a sunscreen borrowing mission, and ended up serendipitously running into one another 4 hours of bar hopping later, at zeitgeist, where i promptly forced her to join us and be friends. at that moment we became the official co-founders and co-captains of Team Fun (llc.). and all was good.

well, you see life got a little in the middle of us for a few months in oh9, and my newbff and i weren’t hanging as much as we’d like- but the uni must have heard my request in january because my nbff was returned to me! and she was EXACTLY what i needed for 010.

you see, she’s amazing. she’s smart, successful, beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and willing to ride the waves of life, take chances, and most importantly…date.

she’s the epitome of a sales woman on top of her game. and she applies her sales theories to life and dating everyday. “it’s a numbers game…” she says. “you’ve got to fill the funnel for everything to play out into something great and amazing. the more opportunities you put in the funnel the closer you are to finding the best one! and, you get to meet some amazing people along the way.”

now we all know i’ve had quite the time meeting suitable gentlemen callers, but not when i’m with my bff (the new has since been dropped, duh). i’m the steph i used to be. the outgoing, carefree, try anything, open to connection with anyone- ‘let’s go!’- steph. and god.it.feels.good.

so you know what? i take it all back. there are a TON of guys in SF to date. i was just going through life with dark sunglasses, old habits and jadeness shading my view.

so starting now, 010 is the year of filling the funnel. of meeting as many new people as i can. of giving guys a chance, opening to every connection i possibly can. because… why not?!

yea 2010, i’m ready to wake everyday to everything you want to give me, bff by my side. i’m attracting good and amazing things from here on out. because that’s how it should be. and what i now see that i deserve. and the uni is here to give us what we deserve.

i’m going to feel and love and connect and trust and be loved. for all of me. cause really, that’s easy.

i’m ready for it uni, and i love you. thanks for my bff and the inspiration. <3

i said, “baby, oh, that’s like me asking you to take out your shoe laces…” so she took out her shoelaces.

i am no wimpy scaredy cat.

you do me wrong now, my love is strong now…

at this moment in ‘history’ i feel like our society is dictated, in an unruly way, by fear. fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of inadequacy, fear of unimportance, fear of vulnerability, fear of success. fear.

and i honestly believe that we are here, in this societal place, because of a lack of love. i know, so naive of me. but it’s true. a lack of love for ourselves, and for others.

when we perceive that  lack of love, it only causes us to hold on to our love, and keep it for ourselves, and therefore not give it away. to anyone. perpetuating a lack of love for each other. which leads to more fear that we won’t be love by another, allowing us to justify further our clinging to our own love.

and all fear stems the same way. from a lack of perceived love. so what do we do? hold onto our love out of fear that a) we’ll have nothing if we give it away, and b) worse, that someone may not actually want it.

and now a days this seems to manifest itself in strong, successful, single twenty/thirty somethings choosing to stay single or to focus on their career, or to play it cool for love and connection. all stemming from a fear that they will not be loved.

recently, i made a decision to identify fear in my own actions as soon as possible, and to own it, and address it head on. overcoming a fear, of any size or importance is empowering, and actually creates self love, which ‘fills up’ our love levels allowing us to feel more comfortable giving it away. to anyone. Read the rest of this entry »

know your non-negotiables.

can we make out and pretend it’s all there? cause you know, i’ve been waiting for something that hasn’t come through but it might come along soon and until that, you will do.

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about the things i want and need in relationships (in general, not just romantic). and i am reminded of a single, yet overwhelmingly powerful, sentence that i heard last year around this time. it was almost year ago that i had a life changing week at the Smart Marriages Conference. that i was surrounded by others that feel as strongly about the same things that i do. and believe in my ability to make a difference in the world.

anyway. a very smart marriage therapist said quite simply, “you’ve got to know your non-negotiables in relationships.”

what does this mean? well i’ll start with the fact that they say that people with similar backgrounds and values are more likely to succeed in relationships. and, incase putting words to the  not so tangible concept of ‘values’ is hard for you i’ll define values: 1. a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life, 2. the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance orpreciousness of something.

values are the CORNERSTONE of relationships. yet, when do we really begin to talk values with someone? once we’ve been dating them for a while, or at least hung out a few times. this social norm seems to be contradictory to everything we know to be important to the success of a relationship. shouldn’t we be basing our desire to continue a relationship on the fact that our ’standards of what’s important in life’ are the same? not whether or not we locked eyes across the bar or grocery store. don’t get me wrong, attraction is important. very important. but why do we treat it MORE importantly then values? our principles in LIFE.

have you ever been asked to describe your values in life? i’m not talking about what you’re looking for in the perfect partner (cause that usually goes something like this- smart, attractive, good sense of humor, kind, successful, etc.). i mean, have you ever really said aloud your list of guiding principles of LIFE. most people haven’t, nonetheless even thought through them completely. only after you have consciously decided what you value in life can you really begin to understand what you want and need in a partner and relationship. (remember, i am NOT just talking romantic relationships.)

we all know that i’m big on accountability, and consciousness of one’s actions at all times. so i really wonder how it is that we blindly enter relationships based on attraction, or proximity, and leave the basic building blocks of importance out of our decision to move forward in a relationship. (so, i know i’m leaving out one of my favorite not so little things in life- connection, but i will argue that connection is created with a basic understanding of one’s OWN values…even if it is unconscious.)

i’m not saying that we leave out completely our values in dating. not at all. i’m just saying that it seems like we’ve got the order of how things should go all wrong. doesn’t it seem silly to create bonds and connection based on something other than values, with the possibility that eventually it may come out that our values are not aligned?

i know sometimes i go off idealistically of how we all could have the perfect romantic relationships, and acknowledge that it would absolutely be very awkward socially to discuss values within minutes of meeting someone. i get that. but, have you ever begun dating someone, and start to like them, to then find out that you have very differing views on something important to you. here’s an example. i have a friend that is very very very involved in and passionate about politics. her friends know this, and many parts of her life include political elements. so, she meets this guy through a friend of a friend of ours. and they totally hit it off. are very attracted to one another. they go down the normal path to begin dating. and then she finds out through a friend that he belongs to the ‘other’ political party. and she freaks. why? cause she likes him. and now there is no way they can possibly continue in her mind. and she’s disappointed.

where am i going with all this if i am NOT suggesting a mass social norm readjustment that includes awkwardly talking values at moment one?

right here: know your non-negotiables. it is that simple. ask yourself what you value. write down your guiding principles for life. out of those decide which of these you are not willing to give up or compromise in any, especially romantic, relationship.

do this BEFORE you start dating anyone. if you are currently dating or married to someone. do it now as a DISCUSSION with your partner. if you are single complete your list of nonnegotiables RIGHT THIS SECOND. before you even set eyes on another person. ever have the chance of meeting anyone new.

why is this so time sensitive? why am i urgently asking you to act? because if you don’t do this before you start a relationship the less likely you are to be adamant about deserving those things, or ‘wanting’ or ‘needing’ them in a relationship.

because connection and attraction are important things just like values. and the way society has evolved these things happen BEFORE any sort of value discussion. and when we get to know someone, and connect on other things the more we begin to believe that if we are not getting one of our values, or not aligned with our partner that it doesn’t matter. passion, and love and connection and love and caring screw with our heads. we end up making decisions in relationships (friendships and romantic) that are based on the fact that we care about the other person, not the fact that we need/want/deserve/value something. and in most positive friendships we often give to and care for our partner (friend or dating) as much or more than to ourselves- cause that is love at it’s most basic.

but that is where love will trick you. if you don’t know your list of values, of non-negotiables (the things you are not willing to give up in a relationship) BEFORE you enter a relationship… love will likely cloud your rationale and you’ll be confused as to what you really value because of the connection and care you have between you.

know.your.non-negotiables.before.you.enter.a.relationship. w r i t e  t h e m  d o w n.

it will save you heartache, resentment, self blame, sadness, disappointment, and lost connection.

i’ll take you to the movies
yell at you when you’re late
you can sigh when i shower for too long
hold up the bathroom so that you have to wait
invite people over for dinner
make up names for kids we could have had
and when we get drunk, we can get it together
go home too early, everyone will say we’re sad
i can’t believe it’s not love!

sometimes a break is needed. but, we gotta stay positive.

cause it’s one thing to start it with a positive jam, and it’s another thing to see it all through

so, it’s been a while. sorry about that. i was beating myself up for not writing for so long. and then i looked back on my last month, and well, it was a bit intensely overwhelming. i guess we all reach a breaking point where we shut down a bit. and i did. i shut down. well. i’m back.

so i’ve got a few things i want to write about but i’m not sure where to dive back in. i guess i’ll just dive into where i am right now. start personal.

it seems as though i am getting to that point of apathy towards relationships and meeting someone. and there are a few thoughts around this. first, i genuinely feel like i have had too much going on to a) meet someone, b) put in the time to get to know them, c) have the mental capacity for anything new in my life. and this depresses me a little. feeling apathetic to the one thing that i live breathe and die for, relationships.

i think another part of my apathy comes from the fact that i am feeling apathetic. it almost depresses me, that i just don’t care. and you know, depression eats at you where you least expect it. creating a cyclical stream of not caring. but this is not the good kind of not caring. it’s the i don’t care how i look, i don’t care if anyone likes me, i don’t care if i leave the house on friday night not caring. it’s not ‘healthy moderated not caring.’ it’s letting yourself fall into a go to work go to the gym go home eat dinner watch 3 episodes of everybody loves raymond go to sleep funk. not. healthy.

i met a boy a few weeks ago (and, i think we are at the point where i can say with conviction that nothing will come of it). but my friend kept saying that going through the motions with this boy is exactly what i need. because i was completely apathetic towards the whole encounter.

i saw him at a bar. thought to myself, wow, that is the cutest boy here. he’s cute. and ended it there. (apathy creeping- i had absolutely zero desire to begin to think about getting his attention, chatting it up, etc…) so, when he and his friend came over to talk to me i was like, oh. well. ok. and then he started talking to my girlfriend. and i was like oh, shocker. ok. whatever. genuine whatever. starting play on my phone. was not even going to try and compete for attention (a WHOLE nother story which will be what i write next about- competition). i just didn’t care that much. and low and behold, he leaves his conversation with her and comes to talk to me. surprise surprise- we have a great conversation. and blah blah he GAVE me HIS number. and all i could think was, really i don’t feel like being the one to have to do all the work. so i said. no, why don’t you call me. and gave him mine. as i was getting into a cab his friend says, “if he doesn’t call you. call him. for real.” i laughed (thinking, eh, probably not). and he says again, with more urgency, “no, i mean it. if he doesn’t call you, CALL him.” well, ok.

so nothing from him all weekend. and i really honestly didn’t care. and asked a friend or two about it. but something was different. i felt as though i was going through the motions. i was supposed to be telling my close friends that i met a boy. i was supposed to be asking their advice on if he would call, or when i should. so i did. i went through the motions. and everyone encouraged me to text based on what the friend said. so. tuesday rolls around. and i text him about something we were talking about the night we met. he responded perfectly, and suggested a meet up. i agreed to meeting, and then there was no actual plan making. whatever. i really didn’t care. but in practice for playing it cool, my friend convinced me to text him a few days later (due to his positive response the first time). so i did. and the same thing, great response. suggestion of meeting, no actual plans when i agree. (i was really thinking- i reached out, i am agreeing to your suggestion, now you man up and actually plan this). nothing.

so here i am. whatever about it. and they say that it is during times like these that you meet ‘the one’ or, well, ’someone’ for that matter. but i honestly don’t want to. i don’t have the energy in me. i don’t have the ability to care right now. or get girly. or anything.

where did the real stephdub go? the nonjaded (eh), over excited about all things cute boys and relationships, ready for a good how we met story (the boy above asked ME what MY sign was. um, awesome).

the apathy and lack of energy for any/all things dating has seeped into the rest of my life, not caring about what i look like. who i meet. what people think of me. and i’m looking from an outsider/academic perspective and thinking that just can’t be healthy. if for no other reason than it is too extreme in one particular direction. but i’m not sure how to care again. about dating. and about myself.

i care so little that i am absolutely unaffected by today. valentine’s day. the thoughts of ‘ugh’ and ‘blah’ about the day go through my brain, but nothing triggers actual feeling towards the day, good or bad.

hm. this was not the happy go lucky stephdub rambling that i was hoping it would be for my first time back in a month.
help?

we gotta stay positive

my thanks to you, twothousandandeight.

time isn’t telling me a thing, it’s playing with my heart. i’m tearing at the seams. you on the other hand, choosing what to understand is old. i’m sure you know how we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour we can’t get much louder than this. we always lose hearts in the strangest places, picking up the pieces we break… i just won’t tell you about it. i won’t tell you. i just won’t tell you about it.

so, much like every person who has the luxury to be self reflexive and autonomous and intelligent enough to reflect on their past year with the ability to give thanks and make resolutions… i have been thinking about my last year extensively. and at first i started just writing a list of all the things that have happened this past year. but there was just a major component lacking to this list- feeling. it was a list of events. not the emotional, mental, or physical challenges, growths, or revelations that came with finishing grad school, moving across the country, sleeping on a couch for two months, creating a new home, or family for that matter. it was list.

so, i started to think of resolutions, like everyone else. but, without judgement to those brave souls with resolutions, this concept didn’t seem to work for me either. resolution, the word, doesn’t sit right with me, where i am in my life. i am working hard on making every action one i would not want to resolve. which lead me to think of all the lessons and personal growths i have experienced this past year. and overall, singling them out seemed to diminish the importance of the others. so this has left me pondering how to accurately summate what was the year of twothousandandeight.

and in the midst of all this ringing in the new hoopla i had been experiencing some ‘dating life’ situations that inspired some very personal and revelatory writing. and so i wrote. on a plane. where i seem to do my best and most heart wrenching writing. where there was no internet to directly post. where i could ’sit’ on that emotional post for just another day. which i did.

and, in rereading my personal and very chronologically detailed post i had a moment of hesitation to post this excerpt of my life. overall, it was a great post. but it was… personal. about me and someone. and in an attempt to verify that i would not be misunderstood by posting this blog, i sent it to a few close friends. and asked their honest opinion of what they took away from it. and low and behold, i would have been misunderstood. so i struggled with following my process of, well, processing by posting it and putting it out there, and not putting it out there in fear that i would be misunderstood. and because i trust my friends, i didn’t post it.

needless to say, the universe revealed itself to me in a way that made me grateful for that moment of hesitation. that silence.

and there i was. left sitting with my all encompassing lesson learned, thankful for experience, biggest revelation, and overall taking away from 2008: pride.

i’m not talking the deadly sin type of pride. i am talking the accountability, conscious of your actions, no regrets type of pride. i have 2008 and all of its players to thank for the greatest gift i could have ever asked for. internal self worth and pride.

and it must be said, that, long ago, the exboyfriend that has inspired so much of my writing was the first person to think it important that i understand this concept. now, he may not have been the best teacher of the concept, but he meant well. thus, my attribution of the beginning of this life changing year to him. he was the one to teach me the idea that i am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, thoughts, or actions. that i am responsible for myself. and only myself. what i had to learn on my own, often the hard way, was what this truly meant.

it meant that i didn’t have to give up all the nice qualities i enojyed having. it did not constitute being mean. or unthoughtful, or unkind. it meant having boundaries between my feelings and actions and others’.

and my dear friend corporate america added to my understanding of this huge life concept that i was beginning to experience. it was in merchandise mart that i learned what an immense amount of value i personally placed on accountability. owning one’s actions. understanding the difference between placing blame and worth and response on someone or something else.

and if there is one truth among truths it is that learning and growth can absolutely not occur in a threatened, defensive, unsafe environment. san francisco enters stage left. a new and unbelievably understanding and advanced city of friends has taught me to be proud. proud of the actions i own. proud of the steps i take, the mistakes i make, and everything i do that adds up to steph. friends that allow me to live, learn, and grow. in that order.

so with all these huge life concepts going on in my life and brain, 2008 taught me how to blend them all into a way of living. no. a way of being.

with the acceptance of friends and family that support and encourage me without judgement, i was able to understand what it meant to truly feel an immense amount of self worth that no one could take from me. cause it was mine. and more importantly, to not put myself in situations where i am giving up this right, this ownership of my feelings, actions and… pride.

i could not be more grateful for the ability to fully understand the consequences on my actions, and act based on them. OWNING everything i do. being fully conscious and proud of every step i take. whether it is not posting a blog that would consequently give someone in my life more power than he deserves. not going home with that boy because in the morning i would feel terrible about myself. not drinking to oblivion every night because everything will still be there, throbbing, in the morning. for NOT telling everyone everything, because some thoughts and emotions are mine, and mine alone. for understanding the value of NOT talking about ‘it’ right away. for understanding the process. for understanding that there IS a process. for writing, for me, with no hopes or expectations of anyones’ reactions,

so here i am twothousandandeight, thanking you with all of my heart, for this life changing lesson. the lesson to act consciously and positively for myself, and for others. for opening myself to this journey. for enjoying the immense amount of power self worth has bestowed upon me. for everything.

break it like you mean it, boy. say it like you’ve said it before, you’re just in time to make your mistake, had all the time i can take.