Entries Tagged 'healing allowance' ↓

can’t give up acting tough. it’s all that i’m made of. can’t scrape together quite enough, to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that i need love. 

after talking with some friends about some recent dating situations i’ve come to a conclusion. one that is slightly frustrating, mostly because i thought i had shed myself of much of the baggage from the ex. but apparently this one has stuck. and i just don’t know really what to do. 

so, i think i’ve mentioned that my ex had very very very needy and truly psychologically crazy girlfriends before me. and because of this, he had more than a tendency to react to things that i did like i was one of those crazy exes. after years of dating, he wouldn’t let me keep any clothes or girl products at his house, he assumed there were ulterior motives for all of my questions, and never ever did anything outwardly romantic, because he thought i expected it, therefore he wasn’t going to give it just to spite me. and this went on and on. and i basically told him that he is the crazy one and needs to take a chill pill.

but ultimately, it came down to the fact that he was treating me like i was crazy and needy no matter what my behavior actually was. he had this image in his brain of ‘girlfriend’=needy and when he looked at me, that’s all he saw. the image created in his head. NOT me. 

so for a zillion reasons, we broke up. and i’ve analyzed every aspect of our relationship and it’s lasting effects over and over, here in writing, out loud to friends, and in my head. and it’s been three and a half years. and i was pretty positive that i got all that analyzing, growth and understanding out of my system. 

until recently. 

it has come to my attention, based on the way i’ve acted with the past few guys i’d ’seen’ that a little habit that i would have previously prided myself on may actually be unhealthy, and reek of self sabotage. 

apparently, the moment i decide that i’m into someone (romantically, like, more than getting to know if i like you as a person) i say calming and nicely to myself, “play it cool.” which is drilled into me over and over. don’t be desperate. don’t show that you like them too much. and i guess we’ve all heard the message, but forget where it came from, and really, what it’s purpose is.

play it cool so that if he/she decides that they don’t like you in return you don’t look dumb.

so here it is, a HUGE disconnect in what i preach (vulnerability at all times) and what i practice (defenses up). a disconnect of which i was honestly very UNAWARE. and there it is, the stain of my last relationship, coming through my fresh and laundered self. apparently (says accounts from my friends) i do and say things (in my conscious ‘play it cool’ attempts) that come off as not only playing it cool, but completely disinterested. Continue reading →

cause it’s one thing to start it with a positive jam, and it’s another thing to see it all through

so, it’s been a while. sorry about that. i was beating myself up for not writing for so long. and then i looked back on my last month, and well, it was a bit intensely overwhelming. i guess we all reach a breaking point where we shut down a bit. and i did. i shut down. well. i’m back.

so i’ve got a few things i want to write about but i’m not sure where to dive back in. i guess i’ll just dive into where i am right now. start personal.

it seems as though i am getting to that point of apathy towards relationships and meeting someone. and there are a few thoughts around this. first, i genuinely feel like i have had too much going on to a) meet someone, b) put in the time to get to know them, c) have the mental capacity for anything new in my life. and this depresses me a little. feeling apathetic to the one thing that i live breathe and die for, relationships.

i think another part of my apathy comes from the fact that i am feeling apathetic. it almost depresses me, that i just don’t care. and you know, depression eats at you where you least expect it. creating a cyclical stream of not caring. but this is not the good kind of not caring. it’s the i don’t care how i look, i don’t care if anyone likes me, i don’t care if i leave the house on friday night not caring. it’s not ‘healthy moderated not caring.’ it’s letting yourself fall into a go to work go to the gym go home eat dinner watch 3 episodes of everybody loves raymond go to sleep funk. not. healthy.

i met a boy a few weeks ago (and, i think we are at the point where i can say with conviction that nothing will come of it). but my friend kept saying that going through the motions with this boy is exactly what i need. because i was completely apathetic towards the whole encounter.

i saw him at a bar. thought to myself, wow, that is the cutest boy here. he’s cute. and ended it there. (apathy creeping- i had absolutely zero desire to begin to think about getting his attention, chatting it up, etc…) so, when he and his friend came over to talk to me i was like, oh. well. ok. and then he started talking to my girlfriend. and i was like oh, shocker. ok. whatever. genuine whatever. starting play on my phone. was not even going to try and compete for attention (a WHOLE nother story which will be what i write next about- competition). i just didn’t care that much. and low and behold, he leaves his conversation with her and comes to talk to me. surprise surprise- we have a great conversation. and blah blah he GAVE me HIS number. and all i could think was, really i don’t feel like being the one to have to do all the work. so i said. no, why don’t you call me. and gave him mine. as i was getting into a cab his friend says, “if he doesn’t call you. call him. for real.” i laughed (thinking, eh, probably not). and he says again, with more urgency, “no, i mean it. if he doesn’t call you, CALL him.” well, ok.

so nothing from him all weekend. and i really honestly didn’t care. and asked a friend or two about it. but something was different. i felt as though i was going through the motions. i was supposed to be telling my close friends that i met a boy. i was supposed to be asking their advice on if he would call, or when i should. so i did. i went through the motions. and everyone encouraged me to text based on what the friend said. so. tuesday rolls around. and i text him about something we were talking about the night we met. he responded perfectly, and suggested a meet up. i agreed to meeting, and then there was no actual plan making. whatever. i really didn’t care. but in practice for playing it cool, my friend convinced me to text him a few days later (due to his positive response the first time). so i did. and the same thing, great response. suggestion of meeting, no actual plans when i agree. (i was really thinking- i reached out, i am agreeing to your suggestion, now you man up and actually plan this). nothing.

so here i am. whatever about it. and they say that it is during times like these that you meet ‘the one’ or, well, ’someone’ for that matter. but i honestly don’t want to. i don’t have the energy in me. i don’t have the ability to care right now. or get girly. or anything.

where did the real stephdub go? the nonjaded (eh), over excited about all things cute boys and relationships, ready for a good how we met story (the boy above asked ME what MY sign was. um, awesome).

the apathy and lack of energy for any/all things dating has seeped into the rest of my life, not caring about what i look like. who i meet. what people think of me. and i’m looking from an outsider/academic perspective and thinking that just can’t be healthy. if for no other reason than it is too extreme in one particular direction. but i’m not sure how to care again. about dating. and about myself.

i care so little that i am absolutely unaffected by today. valentine’s day. the thoughts of ‘ugh’ and ‘blah’ about the day go through my brain, but nothing triggers actual feeling towards the day, good or bad.

hm. this was not the happy go lucky stephdub rambling that i was hoping it would be for my first time back in a month.
help?

we gotta stay positive

time isn’t telling me a thing, it’s playing with my heart. i’m tearing at the seams. you on the other hand, choosing what to understand is old. i’m sure you know how we always find ourselves in the deepest corner of the darkest hour we can’t get much louder than this. we always lose hearts in the strangest places, picking up the pieces we break… i just won’t tell you about it. i won’t tell you. i just won’t tell you about it. 

so, much like every person who has the luxury to be self reflexive and autonomous and intelligent enough to reflect on their past year with the ability to give thanks and make resolutions… i have been thinking about my last year extensively. and at first i started just writing a list of all the things that have happened this past year. but there was just a major component lacking to this list- feeling. it was a list of events. not the emotional, mental, or physical challenges, growths, or revelations that came with finishing grad school, moving across the country, sleeping on a couch for two months, creating a new home, or family for that matter. it was list.

so, i started to think of resolutions, like everyone else. but, without judgement to those brave souls with resolutions, this concept didn’t seem to work for me either. resolution, the word, doesn’t sit right with me, where i am in my life. i am working hard on making every action one i would not want to resolve. which lead me to think of all the lessons and personal growths i have experienced this past year. and overall, singling them out seemed to diminish the importance of the others. so this has left me pondering how to accurately summate what was the year of twothousandandeight. 

and in the midst of all this ringing in the new hoopla i had been experiencing some ‘dating life’ situations that inspired some very personal and revelatory writing. and so i wrote. on a plane. where i seem to do my best and most heart wrenching writing. where there was no internet to directly post. where i could ’sit’ on that emotional post for just another day. which i did.

and, in rereading my personal and very chronologically detailed post i had a moment of hesitation to post this excerpt of my life. overall, it was a great post. but it was… personal. about me and someone. and in an attempt to verify that i would not be misunderstood by posting this blog, i sent it to a few close friends. and asked their honest opinion of what they took away from it. and low and behold, i would have been misunderstood. so i struggled with following my process of, well, processing by posting it and putting it out there, and not putting it out there in fear that i would be misunderstood. and because i trust my friends, i didn’t post it. 

needless to say, the universe revealed itself to me in a way that made me grateful for that moment of hesitation. that silence.

Continue reading →

this distance in your realization in the the way you’ve been, no one can be so cold and be without skin, but it’s been hundreds of years and there is no care

i don’t know where my propensity for attracting all things awkward in my life comes from, but it’s there. and as someone who attracts awkward and uncomfortable things, i have come to expect them in all cases. like, i am a weird on the phone talker. i would rather text. i am UNBELIVEBLY awkward hanging out with someone for the first time, romantic or platonic. i don’t know what it is, but i FIXATE on the utmost possibility of awkward in any situation and assume that it is what i will be involved in. 

i suppose that is the reason i attract all things awkward. i am fixated on them, assuming they will happen, and thus attract them.

i guess being a communication scholar has given me the disposition of someone studying the patterns and behaviors of people. so much, in fact, that i view all interactions (my own included) as awkward because it is like i am seeing them in slow motion, applying communication and psychology theories to real life interactions at all times. (#academicgeek)

but thankfully, universe, you have shown me the light. it seems as though lately, since i’ve moved to the wild wild west, i have unconsciously, and probably with some weird form of protestation, actually been attracting amazing, genuine, kind awesome people into my life. and i am FINALLY opening my eyes to what a world beyond awkward looks like. 

and as our unconscious minds are usually seventeen steps ahead of our conscious selves, i guess six months after experiencing these relationships i am consciously ready to give up the underlying social anxiety that comes with living in an “all awkward all the time” world. Continue reading →

separate love from addiction, they’re not the same, i know i see desperation pulling my strings…hey eliza, is this what you want? sometimes you compromise to get the things you need…

so, maybe i’m from the olden days. or have some weird outdated and skewed vision of men and relationships. but i have this weird skepticism of men and love. i mean, that they want it. believe in it. care about it. but i have NO idea WHY i feel this way. my dad is the most sensitive romantic love believer ever. it must go back, again, to the ex. who flat out doesn’t believe in love (ha). who broke up with me. who thought emotions, having and expressing, were signs of weakness. (ps. he wasn’t all bad. i have just, thankfully, wholly realized how not very relationship compatible we were). 

so, in my brian, emotions=girliness=weakness=not good. and thus my unique obsession for guys that believe. and in this oh so funny way that the universe works… it seems as though i am presently SURROUNDED by those men that believe. i have been talking multiple guy friends through breakups recently. how it will all work out. how they will love again. how she wasn’t the love. how being single is not so bad. in fact, it is good. and healthy. and how i know what it is like to have heartache but it will go away. all of these things.  and it is, honestly, confusing, and uplifting, and schema shattering.

i was talking to a group of guys this past week and one of them said, “i have never broken up with a girl. i have always been broken up with.” and i was shocked. because 4 of the 5 guys at the table had the exact same experience. and then i got to thinking. i can count 8 guys in my life that have been broken up with over the last year/6 months. and they were all heartbroken. and when i expand the time frame i begin to think about alllllll the good guys i know that have been broken up with. 

and i have tons of guy friends. all of which talk openly with me about their dating lives. and how they want to make the right next move and are looking for that perfect girl, and believe in the power of a relationship. but i never seem to hear these things and think that i will ever, umm, have one of those guys. it is like they are two separate things in my brain. the majority of guys in my life wanting and believing in relationships, and how guys act in relationships. so, i guess i am finally starting to really let go off this outdated idea in my brain that in a relationship the guy is going to be less emotional, less expressive, less open to love. and open myself to transferring the relationship experiences of my friends into my brain’s image of what a relationship should be. 

there are guys out there that believe. in love. in relationships. in working for it. in making it happen. and i am friends with a million of them. now i just need to learn to believe that i deserve the same. and attract one of those types to be my boyfriend. ha. 

and i don’t even expect much anymore. anyway, it’s not like i was waiting for you to come and make it all ok…                                                

there is a black hole at the center of the universe, its gravity is strong and it’s pulling everybody back in, but we’re trying to escape it, trying to escape inevitability

recently i wrote about my fear of the emotional sneak attack. that moment where something from your relational past sneaks up on you when you least expect it and emotionally breaks you in half all over again. something that was difficult for you to process the first time. something that you think you have moved past. something from which, because of its intensity, you are proud and fulfilled to have moved on.

and that post was most certainly written about one situation in particular. and right on key, when i least expected it, i was sneak attacked by a completely and totally different emotional situation. (right on key because the previous writing/awareness of the fear of the specific situation before alleviated the possibility of the attack).

(sorry in advance for the presence of the relational schemas developed from my ex in recent posts, but i’m processing dammit ; )

i guess i’ll explain the relevant schema and then the recent sneak attack and then. i dunno. maybe just telling someone(s) will just help me release it.
my ex was private. and had a laundry list of crazy ex girlfriends. (i know what you’re thinking, i may be crazy, but i’m normal crazy. i just analyze my own shit a lot). and these crazy ex girlfriends would use every bit of information they could to manipulate and use him. also, his parents were very smart psychologists always probing into his personal life. therefore, he was very very private. even when he needn’t be. and towards the end of our relationship thefacebook became a very popular past time of post college grads. and an even more popular past time of my second job out of college desk sitting position self. and then came myspace. and he refused to be a part of this web 2.0 phenomenon. all while relentlessly making fun of me for my involvement with such interwebness. which was fine. and i had the occasional photo of us posted, and said i was in a relationship in my profiles, but i was never that girl that had a gazillion photos of me and my boyfriend up and blah blah (probably because he would never allow it, and i did respect his privacy).

so we dated very seriously for a few years, and (shortly before our breakup) he caved and created his own little space on the net. and i was excited to welcome him to that addicting world of social media. and i saw that his profile said single. and i asked him about it. and he said that he didn’t specifically choose that, and that it must have been the default. and i said, “oh, well then change it silly.” and that was enough neediness (after years of dating) to send him the opposite direction and refuse to change the relationship status because he, “was in fact single, because he was not married.” and then i added him as a friend (duh) and he refused to accept it. saying that it was personal. and that i was part of his everyday life enough. that he didn’t need me snooping into his life (assuming that i would strategically write all over his comments and photos to mark my territory, even though i didn’t keep so much as a hair brush at his house after two years in fear that he would think i was marking my territory). needless to say that was pretty close to the beginning of the end. we broke up a few months later. and then a few months after that, not able to let go of the connection, became best friends again. so i tried again. sent that myspace friend request assuming that he understood that we were broken up and his life was his life and if i did find anything out on is page that was romantically personal that he knew that it was, consequently, my issue to work through. refused. again. Continue reading →

baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts

back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.

i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.

but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.

don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.

therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.                                                                                  
Continue reading →

trying to be a good girl, and give em what they want

so, i’ve mentioned before that i have been writing a blog for years now. well, i was reading a dear friend’s blog the other day and was instantly reminded of something i wrote. and in my mind it was so present that i was sure that it was already on stephdub.com. so, i scoured my archives and came up blank. which led me to my myspace blog posts. after perusing the many years of posts, experiences, emotions and ramblings i finally found exactly what i was looking for. a post i had written about the balance of wanting to forget your dating past and start over with new people, and remembering all that has gotten you to where you are right now, presently. 

the most shocking thing about this post is how present it was in my brian (like i had written it in the last 6 months) and how long ago i actually wrote it. in honor of my personal growth, experiences and roller coaster ride through life i have decided to post it in it’s entirety, with no rewrites. so here it is, word for word, in all it’s messy glory. 

november 14th, 2006.  (wow that is over two years ago):

so there are times where you believe it is right. that this time it’s going to happen. this is the one. this is the new start. you’re ready to start fresh. but that is the exact mindset that hinders everything about starting fresh. we cannot just stop who we are, and what we do, and most importantly what we’ve done. we can only build on top of everything we think we want to rid ourselves of. there is no such thing as starting over. there is only moving forward. moving forward and working harder to make it happen. working harder to make the life you want. there are people that will be there the whole way, reminding you that everything you have done is you. and you are perfect for everything you’ve done. you are here now. this moment and therefore everything you’ve done makes you what and who you are now. but how in the world are you supposed to meet someone and let them into the parts of you that have been building up for your entire existence before they arrived. how does anyone ever find that someone. you, and what you are, become a business pitch to every new person you encounter. the elevator business pitch. limited time. get their attention. tell them why your last twenty three years should interest them. you make your pitch and you wait for the job offer. the part where you actually have to work at letting them see what you are made of. all the while trying to understand what has built up in them. but what if you say, ‘hey i want to work for you. i want to work for what is underneath those layers of laughs and jokes, careers and facades and get deep into the layers inside you.’ and they consider your pitch and decided on a candidate that they feel is better suited for their needs. why the hell would anyone want to ever start relationships voluntarily… friendship. romance. its work. and like at the job that pays you, its sucks to be the one always working. putting in more that the people around you. getting by just the same as them. but that extra work. thats what builds the layers. and thats the work that makes not starting over worth it. one day all this work will pay off. one day someone will buy that business pitch and that day will be the beginning of everything new. until then. learn to pitch. be rejected. over and over. get better at knowing what you want. learn. build your knowledge base. experience. 

don’t know if i’m wide awake or dreaming, but all i ever need is… everything…

we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable girls and boys. 

so i am sitting on a plane listening to music that i am sure is about to kill me. i am about to lose it, and have no idea why. well, i have about seventy ideas. all of them lead me to a place where i have no control. and the more and more people start to read these ramblings i call writing the more i feel like i should some how alter the content of this blog to be less personal, more analytical, less crazy about to lose it on a plane steph. but right now, at thirty thousand feet above real life, i just don’t want to do that. 

i’m sad. and confused. and connected. supported. and alone. and leaving an amazing vacation and an amazing city to return to amazing friends in an amazing city. and i am wholeheartedly bawl my eyes out sad. i’m sad to leave vacation, a fantasy world, to return to real life unemployment and dating drought. i am sad that someone is going to read this and not get me. and sad at the honest and unbelievably positive response i have received for writing. there is just something missing in it right now. and i am scared that i am leaning on past good things to fill this void. and when those past good things don’t work, or end for the same reason they did then, i am left feeling a little less sure that this all will work out.  and how do you process something that you know you want but just cannot have. where do you turn when you have no control over something. something you want so badly it breaks your heart. and since you can’t have it, how are you supposed know that it truly is that something that you want so badly. 

how is it that six months after leaving my job, friends, home and life and moving across the country to start anew, i am already feeling restless. why am i reveling in this weekend’s discussion of grad school and a work routine that lead to a missed chance to connect one more time before i left. why do i long for all the things i was so excited to have already accomplished. ready for new. maybe it is unemployment, feeling one hundred percent undesired, or unsure of what my next steps are but i feel restless and stagnant and worthless and sad. and heartbroken. for reasons i just cannot figure out. 

heartbreak. the feeling that you have no idea how to continuing moving through life due to a lack of the returned love, desire, spark and presence of the one thing you feel you cannot breathe without. here i am, on this plane, simply heartbroken. for seventy different reasons. all uncontrollable by me. because that’s what heartbreak is. something you would put all the power in your mind, body and soul to combat. and it still wins. leaving you feeling defeated, at loss of energy, hope, and worth all while simultaneously smothering you in the memories of what you had prior to the loss that made you realize that it was the only thing you ever needed. 

this is a real life glimpse of the story of a twenty five year old midwestern girl overwhelmed with love, honest connection, distance, friendship, accomplishment, and pure old fashioned heartbreak. 

but i finally saw the piece of love in your face, that bathed me in regret then you drove me to places i’ll never forget

took a ride on the love wheel. scary, scary go-round and around. honey, honey I don’t want none of your money. i just want off before we hit the ground.

so there are some situations that i have inadvertently given my self props for processing, handling, and dealing with very well. situations where i like to believe i have gotten over things, or done things purposefully in a healthy manner cause i am educated and know what is good for me. like being best friends with my ex, traveling around the world and meeting cute boys and so on and so forth.

but maybe i give myself too much credit for some of these situations. the way i’ve handled them, or gotten over them, or processed, or acted cool through emotionally affecting times. 

today, i had a panic moment about something that i am not going to go into too much depth on. but i basically said to myself- oh shit. what if i haven’t processed this really old situation like i thought i had, and what if because i haven’t processed it its going to explode in my face any day now. 

i know this sounds silly, or maybe it doesn’t. but i usually like to think of myself as someone that does NOT just suppress and ignore feelings (can you believe it?). i try try try so hard to embrace fear, excitement, sadness, joy, love, worry, and hope so that i know i am being true to myself. but our brains are tricky little suckers and often our unconscious sneaks in and tells us things that we want to hear. we lie to ourselves. lying just makes things easier. cause reality, especially when it comes to looooovvvee and stuff, is not always hugs and smooches. sometimes its gut wrenching heartbreak, circumstantial unavailability, and really somewhat hellish. Continue reading →