working on mysteries without any clue…trying to make some front page driving news, working on the night moves in the summertime, in the sweet summertime.
this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.
i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.
i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…
mind you, it took me roughly 3 years since that jump start to fully embrace this new found love for who i am, and surround myself with people that love me for everything i am. maybe it’s the new chapter in my life that has recently begun, maybe it is an everyday dose of perspective that i force into my consciousness, maybe it’s the accepting attitude of san francy… maybe, i suppose, it’s all the effort i have put into learning about myself, and actually using that to grow and evolve as a person. whatever it is, it’s fabulous.
but, here i am, finding myself in this interesting, messy and exciting intersection of old and new steph. trying to navigate my way through new and existing relationships. navigate through the new because, well, it’s like i’ve never done this before. i’ve never so fully embraced the ‘i am who i am and its cool if you don’t like that’ M.O. but i am also navigating through my old relationships, because many of them started with the ‘i will do anything for you, no matter what it means for me’ steph. and boy, is finding this balance difficult.
well maybe it’s not. i feel like what’s difficult is figuring out the old relationships without writing them off. i mean, i can’t really blame the people in my life, that have been there forever, for expecting to continue the relationship with the same patterns of communication, happiness, hurt, and me changing to understand them. but, now, there is this new emotion in me. i suppose it is anger, or a feeling of which i have been taken advantage. so i now hold all these new feelings and emotions in regards to this relationship, and relational partner, but it is not their fault, because i let these things happen for years, because that’s who i was.
but you know the saying – “when you figure out what you want for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start right that very second” – it’s a brilliant description of this intersection within my relationships. this new steph is still compassionate, caring, understanding, and non-judgemental…maybe even more than before because i am not unconsciously holding negative energy and resentment. but, in my lack of knowledge and understanding in regards to making the transition between the two stephs i believe i may come off as a little…uhh…brash. eek. its the “cool, you don’t like me, then peace out!” attitude that comes off as me shutting down. but i think that it’s because am not yet fully confident in this new ‘i am who i am and that is awesome’ steph. and i’m nervous that if i don’t put out ‘the get out the the kitchen if ya don’t like what i’m cookin’ vibe then i’ll let you (unconsciously) try and pull me back in to the ‘i’ll change so long as you’re happy’ steph. so, maybe, i am actually shutting down my emotions, for the moment when i am meeting, and getting to know new people. but it is only to protect myself, which i’ve never done before. and i am finally believing that i deserve a little protection. now i just need to work on emotionally protecting myself, while communicating it a little more softly….
but the good news- since i’ve fully embraced this new steph, i am attracting new people in my life that, in turn, fully accept steph. actually, this seems to be pretty amazing news. in which i was unsure of because everyone i meet in SF is new and only knows this steph. but back in chicago this weekend (via an adventurous friday night that included a serendipitous meeting of one depaul, and one nondepaul graduate, a jukebox rendezvous, budweiser, laughs, lists, attraction and honest connection) my suspicions were confirmed. i am attracting people that will like me and allow me to like me as well. and what a new, exciting and exhilarating feeling.
so from here on out, i’m not going to let you judge me. no, scratch that. i’m not going to let your judgement of me (if negative) affect who i am. i am going to have compassion, and understanding with judgement and resentment resting far far away.
we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods
Posted: June 18th, 2008 | Author: steph | Filed under: healing allowance, self love, trusting the universe, try try again | No Comments »
i know i might be anxious, but im still not crazy…
so, there are things that we do to get over a break up, heart break, crush, or any other relationship or almost relationship that does not work out the way we hoped planned or wished for. (yes there were a lot of variables in that sentence)..
some people chalk it up to him being a jerk, some to her being a ’floosey.’ (as my grandma would politely say) sometimes they fall out of love, sometimes they just don’t like you. sometimes they just weren’t what you thought they were. sometimes you barely knew them, sometimes you were only physical. maybe your schedules were too different, or maybe you had different ideas of happiness.
maybe you liked them. maybe you loved. maybe you were attracted. maybe you were intimate. maybe emotionally connected, maybe spiritually. maybe it was companionship. maybe young fun.
whatever it was. your mind had a way with coping with the loss of something that was or could have been what you wanted and no longer have. breakups- in the all encompassing sense of the word. we all deal differently.
well, i focus on one thing to assure me that this is how it has to be. i do this for break ups, heart breaks, crushes, unrequited loves and missed connections. sometimes this factor that i focus on, the one to make me believe that it wasn’t me or him- but circumstances, is an obvious one. oh, i never knew him. he lives too far away. or he doesn’t have the same idea of success, or he has a girlfriend. he was boring, or plain crazy.
but the big ones, those breakups when that factor is the hardest to find (and the relationship real and intense)- they take a lot of soul searching to figure out. yes, i desperately try to rationalize my emotions. there must be a reason it did not work. and i will find that reason. well, the ones that are the hardest to figure out, those are the reasons i usually cling to the most. those are the words i grip onto in times of confusion, sadness, disappointment and inadequacy. that deal breaking factor in the relationship is what makes me think, hey, maybe there is another one for me.
now the tricky part about my ‘get over a breakup’ default mechanism is that it takes a lot for me to give up on a relationship. i hold on. i try. i’m optimistic. i don’t let schedules, fights, distance, previous experiences, or even a few mess ups end a relationship. i work, hard, for something i believe in. most always harder than the other. i thrive on the possibility of something good, so i just don’t give up. well, because of this not going to fail attitude, when i do break up, i hold on very tightly to that self ascribed reason for the supposed relationship failure.
well what happens when, months later, that little piece of information that i have been telling myself is the reason it didn’t work goes away, or changes. i’m talking goes away in real life, not in my head. then i’m left with a lie. its essentially breaking up all over again. my head/heart must search for yet another reason why it just did not/could not work. mind you this process is easy when the dating ended without connection. but when there is a connection (followed by dating or not), that’s when i ask myself “well, why was there a connection? if not to be together”
so. when the truth comes out, when the reason i clung to as evidence of it never working is gone, what am i left with?
i seem to be left struggling to rationalize the sad, disappointing, hurt, disillusioned feelings all over again. months after i had to do it the first time.
then what.
i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy who’s reality i knew was a hopeless to be had… but then the devil of hope began this downward slope and i believe for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grand…. hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love.
Posted: June 12th, 2008 | Author: steph | Filed under: healing allowance, plain ol' heartbreak, try try again | No Comments »
why wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in your hand
because… its still true.
habits. we all have them. some good for us, some bad. either way, they become part of us. who we are, how we identify ourselves. how we distinguish our selves from others, part of the pieces that make us up.
the process of letting go of a habit, or breaking that habit, is interesting, and difficult. bad habits are difficult to break for quite a few reasons. i mean most of the time if you analyze a bad habit youll find that rationally you do not want to be involved in that habit. cigarettes, alcohol, bad decision making, biting your nails. i mean on paper they are bad things for you. however…that bad habit- it becomes part of you. and letting that part of you go, no matter how bad it is, is difficult. its like losing part of your identity. being no longer able to identify with something that was such apart of you, something you did, someone you were.
breaking up with someone is similar to breaking a bad habit. there comes a point where you look at the situation rationally. ok, we are not meant to be for a, b and c reasons. but longing, and caring, and missing become habits that we fall into. we create the habit of wondering what they are doing, of thinking that they are great, smart, attractive, and kind. and it becomes part of a daily routine. to miss, to wonder, to long. and then that habit becomes part of who we are as a person. part of our identity. so rationally- its over. ‘we’ will not be for a, b, and c reasons. but breaking that habit is a whole nother emotional story.
letting go of a bad habit is still letting go of part of yourself. part of yourself that makes no sense, that is unhealthy. but its something you identified with. whether you identify as someone who longs for another or as the boyfriend or girlfriend we often tend to hold on to these ‘identifiers’ much longer than we actually need to get over the relationship or breakup because they become habit. and habits are just hard to break. 21 days, they say.
you keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew. red wine and cigarettes…hide your bad habits underneath the patio
Posted: May 30th, 2008 | Author: steph | Filed under: healing allowance, separation, try try again, veterns of the game | No Comments »
ill let you fall in love with me, show you how easy it could be, california girl of your dreams
so. california. ive traveled a crooked route to get to this crooked street city. but here i am.
and though im blogging, and usually good at this, ive been so discombobulated lately that its hard to even begin explaining my thoughts, fears, hopes or dreams.
so as of now… here are my thoughts in someone elses brilliantly written words…
well there are times when you know when you should stay, when you should go
but you don’t. rehearse the lines in your head, you know what needs to be said. but it all comes out bad. and if it’s space that you need, if time is falling at your feet walking away empty. love is a crazy dream… is it what you want, is it what you need.
we go back and forth, making war out of peace.
and you won’t let go, and I won’t give up. we go round and round but is it ever enough, is it ever enough.
lately I’m falling away, growing more quiet by the day. not really sure why I even feel this way. I guess I got a little scared someone could actually care. this time, just might be something there. and if it’s change that you need, a little more mystery, some kind of deeper meaning…love is a crazy dream. is it what you want is it what you need we go back and forth making war out of peace. and you won’t let go and I won’t give up we go round and round but is it ever enough is it ever enough
I’m sure I’ll mess it all up I’m sure I’ll try to convince myself that I just need to be. but what I want to be is something else, someone else. so why did we cross the line, mess it all up with time and in the end just assume it’ll be alright?
Posted: May 19th, 2008 | Author: steph | Filed under: healing allowance, navigating the unknown | No Comments »