healing allowance
December 15th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
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separate love from addiction, they’re not the same, i know i see desperation pulling my strings…hey eliza, is this what you want? sometimes you compromise to get the things you need…
so, maybe i’m from the olden days. or have some weird outdated and skewed vision of men and relationships. but i have this weird skepticism of men and love. i mean, that they want it. believe in it. care about it. but i have NO idea WHY i feel this way. my dad is the most sensitive romantic love believer ever. it must go back, again, to the ex. who flat out doesn’t believe in love (ha). who broke up with me. who thought emotions, having and expressing, were signs of weakness. (ps. he wasn’t all bad. i have just, thankfully, wholly realized how not very relationship compatible we were).
so, in my brian, emotions=girliness=weakness=not good. and thus my unique obsession for guys that believe. and in this oh so funny way that the universe works… it seems as though i am presently SURROUNDED by those men that believe. i have been talking multiple guy friends through breakups recently. how it will all work out. how they will love again. how she wasn’t the love. how being single is not so bad. in fact, it is good. and healthy. and how i know what it is like to have heartache but it will go away. all of these things. and it is, honestly, confusing, and uplifting, and schema shattering.
i was talking to a group of guys this past week and one of them said, “i have never broken up with a girl. i have always been broken up with.” and i was shocked. because 4 of the 5 guys at the table had the exact same experience. and then i got to thinking. i can count 8 guys in my life that have been broken up with over the last year/6 months. and they were all heartbroken. and when i expand the time frame i begin to think about alllllll the good guys i know that have been broken up with.
and i have tons of guy friends. all of which talk openly with me about their dating lives. and how they want to make the right next move and are looking for that perfect girl, and believe in the power of a relationship. but i never seem to hear these things and think that i will ever, umm, have one of those guys. it is like they are two separate things in my brain. the majority of guys in my life wanting and believing in relationships, and how guys act in relationships. so, i guess i am finally starting to really let go off this outdated idea in my brain that in a relationship the guy is going to be less emotional, less expressive, less open to love. and open myself to transferring the relationship experiences of my friends into my brain’s image of what a relationship should be.
there are guys out there that believe. in love. in relationships. in working for it. in making it happen. and i am friends with a million of them. now i just need to learn to believe that i deserve the same. and attract one of those types to be my boyfriend. ha.
and i don’t even expect much anymore. anyway, it’s not like i was waiting for you to come and make it all ok…
December 5th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
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there is a black hole at the center of the universe, its gravity is strong and it’s pulling everybody back in, but we’re trying to escape it, trying to escape inevitability
recently i wrote about my fear of the emotional sneak attack. that moment where something from your relational past sneaks up on you when you least expect it and emotionally breaks you in half all over again. something that was difficult for you to process the first time. something that you think you have moved past. something from which, because of its intensity, you are proud and fulfilled to have moved on.
and that post was most certainly written about one situation in particular. and right on key, when i least expected it, i was sneak attacked by a completely and totally different emotional situation. (right on key because the previous writing/awareness of the fear of the specific situation before alleviated the possibility of the attack).
(sorry in advance for the presence of the relational schemas developed from my ex in recent posts, but i’m processing dammit ; )
i guess i’ll explain the relevant schema and then the recent sneak attack and then. i dunno. maybe just telling someone(s) will just help me release it.
my ex was private. and had a laundry list of crazy ex girlfriends. (i know what you’re thinking, i may be crazy, but i’m normal crazy. i just analyze my own shit a lot). and these crazy ex girlfriends would use every bit of information they could to manipulate and use him. also, his parents were very smart psychologists always probing into his personal life. therefore, he was very very private. even when he needn’t be. and towards the end of our relationship thefacebook became a very popular past time of post college grads. and an even more popular past time of my second job out of college desk sitting position self. and then came myspace. and he refused to be a part of this web 2.0 phenomenon. all while relentlessly making fun of me for my involvement with such interwebness. which was fine. and i had the occasional photo of us posted, and said i was in a relationship in my profiles, but i was never that girl that had a gazillion photos of me and my boyfriend up and blah blah (probably because he would never allow it, and i did respect his privacy).
so we dated very seriously for a few years, and (shortly before our breakup) he caved and created his own little space on the net. and i was excited to welcome him to that addicting world of social media. and i saw that his profile said single. and i asked him about it. and he said that he didn’t specifically choose that, and that it must have been the default. and i said, “oh, well then change it silly.” and that was enough neediness (after years of dating) to send him the opposite direction and refuse to change the relationship status because he, “was in fact single, because he was not married.” and then i added him as a friend (duh) and he refused to accept it. saying that it was personal. and that i was part of his everyday life enough. that he didn’t need me snooping into his life (assuming that i would strategically write all over his comments and photos to mark my territory, even though i didn’t keep so much as a hair brush at his house after two years in fear that he would think i was marking my territory). needless to say that was pretty close to the beginning of the end. we broke up a few months later. and then a few months after that, not able to let go of the connection, became best friends again. so i tried again. sent that myspace friend request assuming that he understood that we were broken up and his life was his life and if i did find anything out on is page that was romantically personal that he knew that it was, consequently, my issue to work through. refused. again.
and there we were. best friends again. but he stood strong on not letting me into that part of his life. well, obviously, i unconsciously developed a few relational schemas as a result of this steel wall he put up. and most of those i have worked through. 1) understanding that i am NOT the needy and crazy girl he often unconsciously treated me as, 2) that i do not need someone in my life that does not understand that i don’t snoop on people i care about because i assume that out of mutual liking for one another we are open with each other (read: would not be ashamed of being my friend on facebook, and would like when i commented because it was not strategic, just friendship), 3) that some people have a skewed sense of self importance and believe that other’s live breathe and die to know their personal business when this is not the case in reality (read: sometimes, no matter what i do, some people are going to ascribe meanings to my actions that have nothing to do with what i did or my intent), and 4) (the one i was sure that almost 3 years later i had processed and released) that anyone worth caring about in my life will understand me, or try to, and openly care about me in return, and if they do not then it is not someone i need in my life (read: i am NOT inadequate to be in their life).
so, 3 years later he is now on facebook. i know this because i am friends with his best friend, his little brother, his sister, his brother in law
(and so forth) and when they added him as a friend it showed in my feed. and since we talk regularly, and most certainly consider one another friends (not best friends since we moved to opposite coasts), i added him as a friend. the personal message reading, “welcome to the dark side.” and then i call him to see how his thanksgiving was. and he’s tired and hungover and being overly mean to me in the wake of his crankiness. and i say, “oh! hey! i’m your facebook friend now! accept me :)” (i added the smiley cause i was smiling and light hearted while speaking to him). and he says, “no way, rub (his nickname for me).” and i say, “what? why not silly?” and de ja vu, i apparently became clinically crazy thinking this time i would get a different result from the same behavior. 3 years later. thousands of miles away. a million positive life and emotional changes (on my part) and he still thinks that being my friend on the internet is different and
more dangerous than in real life. i had lunch with his mom this week while in detroit. that is how much we are still in each other’s lives. we talk regularly, once every week or two, and i believe still genuinely care about one another. and here i am RATIONALIZING MY POSITION IN HIS LIFE TO TRY AND EXPLAIN MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY for not being able to be his freaking facebook friend. i was affected for a good portion of the day after our conversation. it was a sneak attack. something of which, especially in the web2.0geekloveworld of SF, i had rid myself. the fear that someone does not understand the purpose and function of social media sites and thus projects those misunderstandings onto my actions, making me look and feel stupid.
so here i am. BLOGGING about it. to people that get it. possibly it is rationalizing, but i believe it is more an act of reaching out to a community that understands me and asking for support and assurance that this is not me. i am not inadequate.
i thought i saw somebody drowning in the crystal waters of lake michigan
i threw in a life preserver, but preservation is always only temporary
see i can offer you my hand, but i can’t save you from inevitability
December 3rd, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
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baby it just gets so hard, when you live in the USSR, and people they just make believe that heaven is far from their hearts
back to nice guys.
i don’t have any clue where my propensity for being with or liking jerks has come from. however, i know that it is not from my father. that being said. i find myself in this weird space between between being attracted to jerks and actually going for the nice guy. i no longer allow myself to dive head first into a pool of jerkdom, however, it seems as though i cannot let the nice guy in.
i am skeptical of the nice guys. skeptical of their genuineness. after this holiday season, i think i can accurately say it comes from my stubborn and independent grandma dub. as i have mentioned before, ms. h.c. dub does not like to feel as if she is owned. she responds to compliments with jokes (“oh, you’re just saying that cause it’s true,” one of her most commonly used), gives way more than she receives, and actively and verbally expresses her dislike for taking favors from others. she is a polak to the the core. strong, independent, capable and will not let anyone tell her differently. i take after grandma dub alright.
but somewhere intertwined with the inheritance of independence i have picked up a fear to believe that people are genuinely nice. that people may genuinely think that i am nice. and therefore, until now, i have had no need for good guys in my dating life.
don’t get me wrong. i WANT the good guys in my life. but i can never seem to let my guard down enough to accept that they are being nice, or good, or genuine because they want to. but instead, to get me in a position of less power. yes. i know. this is one of my most “i should get therapy for this” relational schemas. but remember, i’m stubborn. and i believe that awareness gets me a long way.
therefore, i attract and am attracted to relational partners that are not, um, nice. don’t get me wrong. they are not (usually) mean. but not overtly nice, and kind, and gentle. and i usually don’t like to talk specifically about my ex (and im 99.9% percent sure he doesn’t give a shit about this blog anyway so here i go…) but my relationship with him solidified that it’s not normal for boys to be overtly nice and kind and gentle. for whatever reason the dynamics of our relationship dictated me being more attractive, and appealing when i remained independent and unfazed by any and all nice things, never ever expecting them, and keeping my guard up when surprised by them.
but i have acknowledged that this is not healthy. and recently have even had conversations with a girlfriend about how refreshing it is for her to be dating someone that is nice, and gentle, and LIKES her. and tells her. and compliments her. and ALSO allows her to be her.
and then, while in the midwest, i had a weekend filled with a nice boy (again, i try to avoid at all costs talking about one person in particular in my writing, especially if they read… but i’m making exceptions today, hoping he will understand). and it was like having an out of body experience. he said nice things. compliments. was kind and caring. and i felt it was genuine. and i know it was. but i just couldn’t fully embrace the things he said. i know that he meant them, which is more than i can usually believe, and i wanted to allow myself to feel the way one is supposed to feel when they are with a nice fun cute caring boy/girl that they have a lot in common with, but i couldn’t feel. maybe it is because of my affliction for having a connection with boys that live far away, and the accompanying resolution to not go there anymore. maybe i’m jaded. maybe i’m stubborn. maybe i’m broken. i’m not sure.
but this boy. he said things that i hear in movies and dream of having said to me. nothing over the top. the normal things that nice, cute normal boys say to girls they like. it’s pathetic, but after dating
the not nice guys it is these NORMAL, not over the top, things that i dream of having said to me. and here i was, this weekend, hearing them. and feeling calm and thankful and enjoying my time with this boy. but it was like i had this screen door protecting me. like i would let the nice things come in with the breeze but the door was locked so ultimately he could not come inside. (mind you, he lives far far away so, in this case, the screen door’s purpose was served).
it just got me thinking. i am a hopeless hopeless romantic. but i think deep down, i don’t think that all the things that come with romance will ever be mine. like i don’t deserve, or need them. and it seems as though my psyche is ok with that. i just don’t expect them to happen to me. (therefore, in the way the universe works, they will never actually come to me).
so what now. well, first. thank you. nice boy. you know who you are. and you have unknowingly opened me up a little more. helped me walk closer to the screen door. and provided me with a few of those off the cuff but honest movie lines that i will replay in my mind for a long time to come. second, umm… i’m not sure of what comes next…
and even though we’re free from the evil communist party, my mother she still makes believe that heaven is far from her heart
August 6th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
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wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…
so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.
and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell.
so i try to live my life conscious of what i’m doing. being wholly present, if you will, at each moment. and the last, well, year of my life i have been conscious of not getting into a dating situation with anyone. i had a great fun summer with some summer lovin’ and then it was time to get serious with life. i was working full time in corporate america and going to grad school full time (and then some) and there was no way i would let myself date someone, screw up school, and then beat myself up for it forever. so there i was, taking months off drinks, spending quite comfortable saturday nights with ice cream and a movie, waking up early sunday to actually get things done, and it was nice. i felt caught up on life. i wasn’t going to the bars hoping to meet or see a cute boy just to wake up with a hangover, and maybe a phone number that would never amount to anything. i was living solely for me. and it was, to say the least, exactly what i needed, for me. i learned to love myself, and focus my energy, and i began to honestly not care what other people thought of me (a huge struggle for me for my whole life, and probably still to come).
so. in this past year, dear god, i have become wholly me. i have learned to trust my instinct, i have truly understood my place in the world. i have left everything i have ever known or loved and moved thousands of miles away. i have been openly vulnerable for the last eight months and have incurred a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and accomplishments. and here i am. coming down from all of it. and, honestly, coming down from it is almost more overwhelming than living it. i now have a bedroom, i have more than that. i have space to myself, i have amazing friends who love, embrace and support me, i have a goal, a dream, a vision, a drive, and the ability to get there. and, for all of this, i am ever grateful to the universe.
but as this all comes together, there is something teeny itching my brain. i’d like to meet someone. someone to share this with. someone to laugh with. someone to, god, date. so, my predicament- the same as everyone- who? what? where? when? how? why?
and as i sit and begin to admit that my entirely too independent for my own good, communication freak, relationship loving, crazy analytical, new age, emotional self would like to meet someone i have NO idea where to even start. look at all these theories i have postulated. i believe them! so where does that leave me? let’s recap: a) i need to date someone that i have a connection with, a friend, but i usually don’t know that until i am deep into friendship; b) i am very expecting, i expect you to get me, or want to, and be open to learning and growing with me; c) i have issues with judgement, and if i feel as though you are judging me i say peace out; d) i am (apparently) (and unbeknown to me until recently) unbelievably honest, and this honesty is ummm apparently overwhelming for those unprepared for it; e) adding to the honesty: i write a relationship blog, an honest one, and as brought to my attention by many, the thought of being a subject or component of this blog is a little… nerve-wracking; f) i write a relationship blog!- 1) this supposed to make me an expert, and 2) no one wants to get into something with an expert if they themselves feel like they are going to be called out for not knowing something; g) after two and a half years has accumulated since my last ‘relationship’ … i’m scared. of everything. of losing myself. of losing everything i have realized over the last year. of everything i’ve made for myself. of everything yet to make for myself.
so there. i’m stuck. and i don’t want advice. in fact, if you know me well enough, please don’t try to tell me your thoughts on the about vulnerability inducing statements. i just, honestly, need to release this. say you hear me, say you understand. let there be no ‘buts’ or convincing statements why i shouldn’t care, or feel this way. i’m not sad, i don’t need sympathy, or advice, or help getting through this. i work independently (except for writing) on this one. i just need to release it. and work through this millionth and one catch 22 that i have realized about my life and love.
i want to have a good time, just like everybody, and i don’t want to fall apart…i just wanna have a good time just like everybody else and i don’t wanna fall apart this time so would you please invite me in….come on and take a spin, hey i got a brand new set of wings.
July 18th, 2008 by steph | shades of perspective
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there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last
this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.
the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).
but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.
and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.
its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded.
so, a good portion of the population fall into this one particular dating category. the guys and girls that date their partner for more than a few years, usually starting pretty early on in their dating life. these are the relationships that, for obviously reasons, are the ones that we put on a pedestal and compliment and expect to get married and be perfect. and they are the couple that just has it. and they usually start off awkward and unsure of themselves as people. and they encourage one another, and grow together. and honestly (i know this may not go over well) in our society, i think in these relationships (hetero for this theory) the girls get the winning end of the deal.
i feel as though the girls in these relationships are provided an, otherwise unavailable, safe space to grow, and really become everything they have the potential to be. physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. i feel this way because, if you’re not in one of these 4,5,6,8 year long relationships at the beginning of your dating life, as a girl, you are continuously and actively combating all the things that society is throwing your way. and, unfortunately, your main focus is not allowed to be your own growth and you are certainly not encouraged by our american society (read media) to embrace and love who you are. (now of course there are different benefits that these girls acquire (thank god for me)).
so now this lady has had a chance to really grow and become a truly phenomenal women. and she is graced with the honor of a guy who loves her and tells her and encourages her to grow and love herself. and it is a win win, because lady is amazing, and guy has helped create that and thus gets the benefits of being with an amazing woman. which all fosters the even more fantastical and romantic love relationship that everyone sees… adding to the image of the perfect couple.
and then it hits her (and i know this is going to be though to digest because it is more negative and like i am side picking than i usually like to be while analyzing, but bear with me and i’ll turn it into a positive). so it hits her. she’s amazing. and she’s spent her whole dating life with the same guy. and what if there is someone better? (weighing the options). so, logically, she begins to think about what life would be like not part of this couplehood she has always known. and she’s curious, and of course she can’t get married without knowing. so she has options, and each girl follows a different path of exploring options ( a. breaking up- admirably explaining to her guy that she just needs to explore, b. emotional cheating- exploring while still in the relationship, and finding something/one else to connect with on a mental/emotional level, c. physical cheating- i’ll be honest, a seeking out of attention in the form of sex, or d. emotional and physical- i think we get it.
so now what are we left with. the good guy, who has fostered an environment for her to become everything she realized she is, alone. with no thank you. and usually some major heartbreak. cause, of course he is a good guy, and has embraced love.
so my dig a little deeper obsessive analysis of this is, quite simply and majorly- a whole hearted thank you. my heartfelt gratitude to the good guys. the guys that are clearly overlooked, but definitely the holders of the short stick in the entire dating world. (yes, i know that is a big statement.) you are the life blood of hope, and growth, and beauty and love. and there is absolutely nothing that could top what you give to us. you give love, and embrace imperfection, and nurture, and what do you get? sorrow and heartbreak. we, the dating community, overlook all this and do not say thank you, because we have so much hope and without a doubt confidence that you will most certainly find someone else, and she did not deserve you anyway, because you are a good guy. but i think we overlook this natural and amazing quality because we think that it is just that, natural and average. we focus on the unusual. but why shouldn’t you be rewarded for something that may be natural? or acknowledged, or thanked.
and i honestly, cannot express (as i awkwardly sit at my corner office with a view coffee shop table on the verge of tears) how deeply thankful i am to you, the good guys. you give me hope, and inspiration, love, and courage. and for that, i am forever indebted to you.
i’m fractured from the fall, and i wanna go home.
i gotta really good heart, i just can’t catch a break,
if i could i’d treat you like you wanted me to, i promise.