i just want to have a good time, just like everybody else.

wastin time running scared when all that love needs is to be believed in…

so i’ve been in a very ‘in my head’ mood the last few days. like groggy with my thoughts. much more romantic than analytical. and it’s really just throwing me off. and like i said last post, i think it has something to do with some sort of loneliness. but what i can’t seem to explain in words to others is that this loneliness is not a feeling incompleteness. not at all. it’s more, like…. im just ready to find someone.

and when i then think about what that means i get all crazy. confused. overwhelmed. so this is going to be a much more personal post. probably too personal, but i need to release this somehow. and of course i will probably regret making my self so vulnerable on the interwebs the second i post but, hell.

so i try to live my life conscious of what i’m doing. being wholly present, if you will, at each moment. and the last, well, year of my life i have been conscious of not getting into a dating situation with anyone. i had a great fun summer with some summer lovin’ and then it was time to get serious with life. i was working full time in corporate america and going to grad school full time (and then some) and there was no way i would let myself date someone, screw up school, and then beat myself up for it forever. so there i was, taking months off drinks, spending quite comfortable saturday nights with ice cream and a movie, waking up early sunday to actually get things done, and it was nice. i felt caught up on life. i wasn’t going to the bars hoping to meet or see a cute boy just to wake up with a hangover, and maybe a phone number that would never amount to anything. i was living solely for me. and it was, to say the least, exactly what i needed, for me. i learned to love myself, and focus my energy, and i began to honestly not care what other people thought of me (a huge struggle for me for my whole life, and probably still to come).

so. in this past year, dear god, i have become wholly me. i have learned to trust my instinct, i have truly understood my place in the world. i have left everything i have ever known or loved and moved thousands of miles away. i have been openly vulnerable for the last eight months and have incurred a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and accomplishments. and here i am. coming down from all of it. and, honestly, coming down from it is almost more overwhelming than living it. i now have a bedroom, i have more than that. i have space to myself, i have amazing friends who love, embrace and support me, i have a goal, a dream, a vision, a drive, and the ability to get there. and, for all of this, i am ever grateful to the universe.

but as this all comes together, there is something teeny itching my brain. i’d like to meet someone. someone to share this with. someone to laugh with. someone to, god, date. so, my predicament- the same as everyone- who? what? where? when? how? why?

and as i sit and begin to admit that my entirely too independent for my own good, communication freak, relationship loving, crazy analytical, new age, emotional self would like to meet someone i have NO idea where to even start. look at all these theories i have postulated. i believe them! so where does that leave me? let’s recap: a) i need to date someone that i have a connection with, a friend, but i usually don’t know that until i am deep into friendship; b) i am very expecting, i expect you to get me, or want to, and be open to learning and growing with me; c) i have issues with judgement, and if i feel as though you are judging me i say peace out; d) i am (apparently) (and unbeknown to me until recently) unbelievably honest, and this honesty is ummm apparently overwhelming for those unprepared for it; e) adding to the honesty: i write a relationship blog, an honest one, and as brought to my attention by many, the thought of being a subject or component of this blog is a little… nerve-wracking; f) i write a relationship blog!- 1) this supposed to make me an expert, and 2) no one wants to get into something with an expert if they themselves feel like they are going to be called out for not knowing something; g) after two and a half years has accumulated since my last ‘relationship’ … i’m scared. of everything. of losing myself. of losing everything i have realized over the last year. of everything i’ve made for myself. of everything yet to make for myself.

so there. i’m stuck. and i don’t want advice. in fact, if you know me well enough, please don’t try to tell me your thoughts on the about vulnerability inducing statements. i just, honestly, need to release this. say you hear me, say you understand. let there be no ‘buts’ or convincing statements why i shouldn’t care, or feel this way. i’m not sad, i don’t need sympathy, or advice, or help getting through this. i work independently (except for writing) on this one. i just need to release it. and work through this millionth and one catch 22 that i have realized about my life and love.

i want to have a good time, just like everybody, and i don’t want to fall apart…i just wanna have a good time just like everybody else and i don’t wanna fall apart this time so would you please invite me in….come on and take a spin, hey i got a brand new set of wings.

the average guy- savior of the dating world

there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last

this post is most certainly for a dear, dear friend.

the good guys. it seems to be a common phrase in the dating world. they’re either all taken, or too nice, or girls like/want the opposite (the bad boy).

but i’m going to to go ahead and make a grand postulation. the good guys: they are the start of all things good in dating life today. and i don’t think we truly value, appreciate, or reciprocate their all consuming amazing energy. hopefully karma will someday make up for our faults.

and how did i come to this conclusion? well, i’ll tell you. i am lucky enough to have some amazing guy friends. the genuine good guys. the ones that don’t even know that they are awe inspiring. the ones that are just normal daters, they don’t call themselves good guys, they don’t wanna be bad boys. the average guy who believes in love, romance, and relationships. the ones that see beyond the skin, that care, and nurture, and embrace love and beauty and imperfection. and do it never knowing the impact that this truly makes.

its funny. sometimes i come up with my crazy relationship theories and they hit me quickly and easily. but its usually when i sit down to write about them that my mind expands and allows me to truly see much deeper and come out with the ah-ha moments. today is no exception. so i’m going to start with the quick and easy theory. and let you follow my thoughts as they unfolded.

so, a good portion of the population fall into this one particular dating category. the guys and girls that date their partner for more than a few years, usually starting pretty early on in their dating life. these are the relationships that, for obviously reasons, are the ones that we put on a pedestal and compliment and expect to get married and be perfect. and they are the couple that just has it. and they usually start off awkward and unsure of themselves as people. and they encourage one another, and grow together. and honestly (i know this may not go over well) in our society, i think in these relationships (hetero for this theory) the girls get the winning end of the deal.

i feel as though the girls in these relationships are provided an, otherwise unavailable, safe space to grow, and really become everything they have the potential to be. physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. i feel this way because, if you’re not in one of these 4,5,6,8 year long relationships at the beginning of your dating life, as a girl, you are continuously and actively combating all the things that society is throwing your way. and, unfortunately, your main focus is not allowed to be your own growth and you are certainly not encouraged by our american society (read media) to embrace and love who you are. (now of course there are different benefits that these girls acquire (thank god for me)).

so now this lady has had a chance to really grow and become a truly phenomenal women. and she is graced with the honor of a guy who loves her and tells her and encourages her to grow and love herself. and it is a win win, because lady is amazing, and guy has helped create that and thus gets the benefits of being with an amazing woman. which all fosters the even more fantastical and romantic love relationship that everyone sees… adding to the image of the perfect couple.

and then it hits her (and i know this is going to be though to digest because it is more negative and like i am side picking than i usually like to be while analyzing, but bear with me and i’ll turn it into a positive). so it hits her. she’s amazing. and she’s spent her whole dating life with the same guy. and what if there is someone better? (weighing the options). so, logically, she begins to think about what life would be like not part of this couplehood she has always known. and she’s curious, and of course she can’t get married without knowing. so she has options, and each girl follows a different path of exploring options ( a. breaking up- admirably explaining to her guy that she just needs to explore, b. emotional cheating- exploring while still in the relationship, and finding something/one else to connect with on a mental/emotional level, c. physical cheating- i’ll be honest, a seeking out of attention in the form of sex, or d. emotional and physical- i think we get it.

so now what are we left with. the good guy, who has fostered an environment for her to become everything she realized she is, alone. with no thank you. and usually some major heartbreak. cause, of course he is a good guy, and has embraced love.

so my dig a little deeper obsessive analysis of this is, quite simply and majorly- a whole hearted thank you. my heartfelt gratitude to the good guys. the guys that are clearly overlooked, but definitely the holders of the short stick in the entire dating world. (yes, i know that is a big statement.) you are the life blood of hope, and growth, and beauty and love. and there is absolutely nothing that could top what you give to us. you give love, and embrace imperfection, and nurture, and what do you get? sorrow and heartbreak.  we, the dating community, overlook all this and do not say thank you, because we have so much hope and without a doubt confidence that you will most certainly find someone else, and she did not deserve you anyway, because you are a good guy. but i think we overlook this natural and amazing quality because we think that it is just that, natural and average. we focus on the unusual. but why shouldn’t you be rewarded for something that may be natural? or acknowledged, or thanked.

and i honestly, cannot express (as i awkwardly sit at my corner office with a view coffee shop table on the verge of tears) how deeply thankful i am to you, the good guys. you give me hope, and inspiration, love, and courage. and for that, i am forever indebted to you.
i’m fractured from the fall, and i wanna go home.
i gotta really good heart, i just can’t catch a break,
if i could i’d treat you like you wanted me to, i promise.

living my life for me, and only me.

working on mysteries without any clue…trying to make some front page driving news, working on the night moves in the summertime, in the sweet summertime.

this post is really more about relationships in general- the ones we have with ourselves, friends-new and old, romantic interests, and everything in between.

i think i’ve come to a point in my life that probably takes people, and probably more so women, a lot longer to reach than it took me. and who knows why i’m here in my mid twenties, but man, thank goodness i am.

i have learned- i mean ACTually learned- that i do NOT need to be living my life for anyone else but ME. and it’s so interesting because this was a common topic of conversation and stress with my ex. he just could not understand why i constantly let other peoples’ thoughts of me affect me so much. and actually allow me to change who i was so easily and quickly. and i accredit him with the jump start of my self acceptance and healthy dose of ‘i don’t care what you think’ attitude. even if it came with a lot of pain, frustration and misunderstandings…

mind you, it took me roughly 3 years since that jump start to fully embrace this new found love for who i am, and surround myself with people that love me for everything i am. maybe it’s the new chapter in my life that has recently begun, maybe it is an everyday dose of perspective that i force into my consciousness, maybe it’s the accepting attitude of san francy… maybe, i suppose, it’s all the effort i have put into learning about myself, and actually using that to grow and evolve as a person. whatever it is, it’s fabulous.

but, here i am, finding myself in this interesting, messy and exciting intersection of old and new steph. trying to navigate my way through new and existing relationships. navigate through the new because, well, it’s like i’ve never done this before. i’ve never so fully embraced the ‘i am who i am and its cool if you don’t like that’ M.O.  but i am also navigating through my old relationships, because many of them started with the ‘i will do anything for you, no matter what it means for me’ steph. and boy, is finding this balance difficult.

well maybe it’s not. i feel like what’s difficult is figuring out the old relationships without writing them off. i mean, i can’t really blame the people in my life, that have been there forever, for expecting to continue the relationship with the same patterns of communication, happiness, hurt, and me changing to understand them. but, now, there is this new emotion in me. i suppose it is anger, or a feeling of which i have been taken advantage. so i now hold all these new feelings and emotions in regards to this relationship, and relational partner, but it is not their fault, because i let these things happen for years, because that’s who i was.

but you know the saying – “when you figure out what you want for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start right that very second” – it’s a brilliant description of this intersection within my relationships. this new steph is still compassionate, caring, understanding, and non-judgemental…maybe even more than before because i am not unconsciously holding negative energy and resentment. but, in my lack of knowledge and understanding in regards to making the transition between the two stephs i believe i may come off as a little…uhh…brash. eek. its the “cool, you don’t like me, then peace out!” attitude that comes off as me shutting down. but i think that it’s because am not yet fully confident in this new ‘i am who i am and that is awesome’ steph. and i’m nervous that if i don’t put out ‘the get out the the kitchen if ya don’t like what i’m cookin’ vibe then i’ll let you (unconsciously) try and pull me back in to the ‘i’ll change so long as you’re happy’ steph. so, maybe, i am actually shutting down my emotions, for the moment when i am meeting, and getting to know new people. but it is only to protect myself, which i’ve never done before. and i am finally believing that i deserve a little protection. now i just need to work on emotionally protecting myself, while communicating it a little more softly….

but the good news- since i’ve fully embraced this new steph, i am attracting new people in my life that, in turn, fully accept steph. actually, this seems to be pretty amazing news. in which i was unsure of because everyone i meet in SF is new and only knows this steph. but back in chicago this weekend (via an adventurous friday night that included a serendipitous meeting of one depaul, and one nondepaul graduate, a jukebox rendezvous, budweiser, laughs, lists, attraction and honest connection) my suspicions were confirmed. i am attracting people that will like me and allow me to like me as well. and what a new, exciting and exhilarating feeling.

so from here on out, i’m not going to let you judge me. no, scratch that. i’m not going to let your judgement of me (if negative) affect who i am. i am going to have compassion, and understanding with judgement and resentment resting far far away.

we were just young and restless and bored…and we stayed awake every chance we could- to the back roads, and the allies, to the trusty woods

Breakups- why it just could never be

breaking relationship habits

why wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in your hand

because… its still true.
habits. we all have them. some good for us, some bad. either way, they become part of us. who we are, how we identify ourselves. how we distinguish our selves from others, part of the pieces that make us up.
the process of letting go of a habit, or breaking that habit, is interesting, and difficult. bad habits are difficult to break for quite a few reasons. i mean most of the time if you analyze a bad habit youll find that rationally you do not want to be involved in that habit. cigarettes, alcohol, bad decision making, biting your nails. i mean on paper they are bad things for you. however…that bad habit- it becomes part of you. and letting that part of you go, no matter how bad it is, is difficult. its like losing part of your identity. being no longer able to identify with something that was such apart of you, something you did, someone you were.
breaking up with someone is similar to breaking a bad habit. there comes a point where you look at the situation rationally. ok, we are not meant to be for a, b and c reasons. but longing, and caring, and missing become habits that we fall into. we create the habit of wondering what they are doing, of thinking that they are great, smart, attractive, and kind. and it becomes part of a daily routine. to miss, to wonder, to long. and then that habit becomes part of who we are as a person. part of our identity. so rationally- its over. ‘we’ will not be for a, b, and c reasons. but breaking that habit is a whole nother emotional story.
letting go of a bad habit is still letting go of part of yourself. part of yourself that makes no sense, that is unhealthy. but its something you identified with. whether you identify as someone who longs for another or as the boyfriend or girlfriend we often tend to hold on to these ‘identifiers’ much longer than we actually need to get over the relationship or breakup because they become habit. and habits are just hard to break. 21 days, they say.

you keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew. red wine and cigarettes…hide your bad habits underneath the patio