broke his own heart, poured it in the ground, big red tree grew up and out, throw up its leaves, spins round and round.
ok, you know those songs that you hear, usually on the radio or at a place in which you do not control the music, and they make you instantly in the moment. like nothing else matters. like nearly thirty years of life just hit you right then. and you are soaking it in. and don’t want it to end. you know those songs?
i heard one of them last night. and since then i have just been in love with my moment. because, really, the feeling that started during the song hasn’t left.
it was 7:37pm, i was at bevmo in carlsbad california with @tjferrara and his father. after working a busy day at work, i had flown from san francisco to the orange county airport, was scooped up by tj, and within 6 minutes of getting in the car i was watching ‘the carter documentary’ about lil wayne in the front seat of his prius. an hour and a half later we were at the grocery store, meeting @tiffanyleonard and tj’s parents (in from detroit). ten minutes later i had departed with the men and at bevmo we arrived.
after wandering with the snarky tjferrara in search of his pops, we arrived at the wall of pinot noir. and i heard this song.
and everything was put into perspective. here i am. in my life. living in california. spending thanksgiving in california. without my family. blood family. feeling like if i couldn’t be with my family, i couldn’t really imagine being with any other people than tiffany and tj. and tj’s parents. because i have known them for so long, they might as well be family. and yea, we that have moved away from ‘home’ often say that our friends are our ‘family,’ but this is for real. genuine love, acceptance, fun, laughs, and ‘this is the grown up life we used to talk about in my bedroom while staying up late in middle school.’ we are adults. and will always be in each other’s lives. and someday, i won’t be the single third wheel asking tj if he has any single male friends that are his clone. but until then, it’s still just perfect.
this is what the holidays are about. living that adult life that you used to imagine when you were in middle school. with those people that you care for and love like family. that aren’t going anywhere.
so i was thinking of a fun post about drunk woman etiquette. but i decided that it is going to wait.
many of my friends run the internet. well, like half of it at least. the fun half. and while why are taking the train to the internet everyday, i am driving across the bay bridge (well 3 hours before them). and while they are doing ‘work,’ i am, in fact, doing work.
normally i’m so not into this. stuff from the internet, that is. i just don’t have time. but apparently today was a productive day for my friends. therefore, i going to regurgitate their productivity to you.
here is all the good work they did on the internet today. thank you friends, mostly via twitter. your success does not go unnoticed.
today i feel alone. and this series of thoughts that will eventually be called a post is going to be much more raw than most of the other posts this month. nothing new for me, or from me, but it does feel a little strange and open given the surrounding posts. but alas, i’m here writing, in theory, to myself, because i need to talk. i need to tell someone. and probably no one will get it. and that lack of understanding is more more digestible when i can’t see it. so this is going in writing, not speaking.
today i feel alone. that’s it. not lonely, though alone could include lonley. it seems that the more i work on myself, learning, growing, striving to be conscious and right, the more i feel alone in the process.
last night a friend said something to me that i’m sure was not intended to make me feel the most understood and, simultaneously, misunderstood i have probably ever felt. she said (in paraphrase), ‘it seems like your advanced knowledge of relationships, your subject and expertise, sometimes just comes back to get you because you’re more aware of everything than the people you have relationships with.’ and for a moment i felt understood in the catch22 that seems to be my life.
you see, because self awareness and the eternal search for growth and goodness is a purely personal thing, if the person with which you are interacting is not ready, willing, or aware of their own self, but you are, there is an instant impasse in the relationship. and then what do you do? you’ve identified that to be true to yourself and serve your higher purpose, a change needs to happen. but if that person is not at a place to accept your needs then it is up to you to make that change for yourself. which often leads to distancing yourself from that person. which then equals a) more aloneness, b) (most likely) a misunderstanding on behalf of the other, which probably then leads to some sort of negative energy passed. both of which feel icky. probably just like the thing that inspired the ‘need to change’ in the first place.
all of this leads me to the unsettling realization that the majority of us are operating, the majority of the time, strictly in defense mode and with unconscious intent. and when that is met with conscious intent the defenses spiral even more, smothering the purpose of that conscious interaction. yea it’s new agey in its wording, but there is really no other way to say it.
mostly what i’m feeling right now in life is a major lack of people and connections in my life that are focused on conscious intent and genuine care. even more unfortunate is that many of the people i have relationships with in my life are being driven by the autopilot mode of defense and project their perceived understanding and supposed ‘figured out’ thoughts of my life onto me. and what’s worse is that those projected defenses are false. because i was never even consulted in the decision making process. because, again, they may think that they know, but that mere fact (that they think they do) means they absolutely don’t. but since they are acting unconsciously, i am treated in response to what they think they know. and this seemingly unending cycle is utterly draining and distracting once you become aware of it. making it that much more difficult for me to be me, in a conscious state.
this makes me feel alone. in my process. in my own head. in my own life. in my own needs. all of it. and aloneness is a complex and tricky concept. it is calming and allows one to just be. but that okayness with self is constantly toeing the line of ‘wall building’ and shutting others out. which is, ultimately, a bigger problem because ‘walls up’ equal defenses which equal exactly that which you are trying to rid yourself. it’s like the mind and soul are unconsciously choosing, without your knowledge, the ‘if you can’t beat em join em’ mentality despite all efforts towards the opposite.
i’m choosing, consciously, to not go there. but that means that i am consistently navigating the terrain of ‘alone,’ testing the boundaries learning through challenge, difficulty and hurt where those lines are.
so today, i feel alone. and that’s it. i’m not trying to be ok with it. or identify if i’m not ok with it. i’m just trying to stay within the present. and most likely, you will not get this post. on a mental, logical level nor emotional spiritual level. but at this point that’s ok. because it’s not about you. and it’s not about needing you to understand. it’s about me. and feeling this. and being with complete and utter absence of concern for you. and your thoughts. your feelings. your projections. or your needs.
we are always running for the thrill of it thrill of it. always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it.
today i had a fabulous hayes valley brunch with ron. we had delicious la boulange while discussing life, love, creativity, work, goals and other awesome stuff.
we then sat in hayes green for at least an hour talking and remembering that saturdays are for exactly that: doing nothing, and being in the moment. preferably in the sunshine.
and then, for some reason we started talking about sarah palin. blech. and THAT lead to pick up lines gone wrong. (logical progression, right?)
so here are some of our favorites. they stemmed from terrible things to say, changing one word in a commonly known pick up line, getting the words mixed up, getting two or three separate pu-lines smooched together, terrible things to use as a pick up line in SF, and taking any pick up like three steps too far.
:::this one is how it all started::::
“have you read sarah palin’s new book?”
“do you know what going rogue means in the UK?”
“my name is ‘Ron’… should we keep talking, or just do this?”
“do you come here often? because, i love you.” (see also, insert i love you after everything)
“do you have a quarter? i told my wife i’d call her when i found the girl of my dreams.”
“those pants are becoming on you. of course, i’d becoming on those pants if i were you.”
“what’s your sign? virgo? not after i get through with you.”
“jesus may love you. but i’ll LOOOVVEE you.” (said in marvin gaye voice)
“those pants are becoming on you. i would be coming on your floor if you were on me too.”
happy saturday, ya’ll.
on and on and on we are calling out and out again. never looking down i’m just in awe of what’s in front of me.
addendum to original post, including additions from friends that read this original post-
“im not normally a supporter of interracial sex, but id be willing to make an exception for you.”
